I focus on Jesus' truth, and God The Father's goodness. In Phillipians 4:8, “whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” What is this joy? Is this happiness? Focusing on these things have created happiness. More than fleeting happiness. True joy. 

I focus on the good things. I make the best of every day. I finally did get to move back into my house. I was no longer homeless. I had an awesome Florida vacation. And I made new life-long friends in August 2023. 

Phillipians 4:8 kept popping up all around me. I prayed and wished for happiness my whole life. Every birthday calendar I blew out was only for happiness. I realized that was the key to my happiness. I need to practice to focus on the content from phillipians 4:8. Focus only on the Good[1]

When you are frustrated with other christians for ignoring that you are in the wash cycle... how to love our brethren:

I would sit and pray and weep for an hour at a time naming, out loud, all those family and friends and Christians, who had injured me. I would forgive them for everything. I would bless them, I would love them, and I would ask forgiveness for holding something over them for so long. 

I knew the worst thing to happen to a Christian is a hard heart. Well, despite my best efforts, my heart was hardening. I had lost trust in other humans. All of them. I would scream with every unexpected noise. My therapist called it PTSD. I call it living in hell. I grew angier with each time I fell back into spiritual debt. The anger towards the church for abandoning me cut the deepest. I hated the pastors for closing down during the pandemic. I hated that the churches were never opened to the homeless. I hated that I was not able to use their toilets, their sinks, their showers, their kitchens. Weren’t they supposed to love me as Jesus loves them? Even if I was the least of the brethren-and I was and probably still am- weren’t these so-called “Christians” not supposed to be a respecter of persons? Indignant, angry, bitter, me. And now, to throw even more fuel onto my blaze, every time I thought of them, I had to forgive them all over again. Back to the start. In a heaping pile of spiritual debt dung. Grrr. 

It hurt, because people I thought were my friends repeatedly asked about my favorite things I was keeping for myself. 

The worst was my broken, and now callous, heart from the rejection and being left for dead, again and again. And who can forget my sons’ future stepmother, who kept reminding me that in Chinese culture those who brought shame upon their family never returned. And nothing drove me crazier than the trite Christian clichés. You know the ones. The ones that make you want to roll your eyes into another dimension, like: “God never gives you more than you can handle” or “you just need faith” or the classic “I’ll pray for you,” as they wave goodbye. Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Hello, bitterness root. 

I needed to build a healthy Christian tribe with Healthy Boundaries: that has been important. I have been removing people from my life, after praying for wisdom. I am learning that it takes a good 6 months minimum to learn who someone is. Therefore, the person should not be fully trusted with the gems of my soul until then.   

I need to stop giving so quickly of my time and resources, and must practice praying about it first. That was a challenge - to learn to wait and pray and trust that God will answer me. In His time. Not mine. 

I remained trapped in a toxic relationship full of unkept promises for 4 long years before I finally was able to leave. I know my life would have been significantly different if I had listened to God in my youth. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think my life would have been easier as much as it would have been much more fulfilling, with much more joy of the Lord, much more purpose-focused, much more abundant, and much more peaceful. Again, don’t misunderstand. I am not dwelling in regret as that is fruitless. Those are thoughts that I know now come straight from the destroyer himself. I am using those incidents as specific reminders to trust God each and every time I hear from him, and I have confirmed that is was him. Without these experiences, I wouldn’t be the Spiritual Warrior I am today.

The interactions with that ex, I desperately wanted to follow God and break up with him. I had nobody to discuss this situation with. I pondered it alone. It was just me. I didn’t know how to go straight to God for strength. I didn’t know how to pray. And I didn’t know how to listen to God. And I had no clue that I could ask God to confirm the message, so that I would have no doubt as to whether the message was truly from God. 

[1] “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.

Continue to Chapter 13