Her Inner Peace
A Story by Arianna Carbone
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At some point in one’s life, it’s expected to come across those who preach one thing but act in a completely different way. For a 16 year old girl in the small town of Mountmend, this was her everyday life experience. It was her actuality. Not many people in Tiffany’s life were truly consistent with the supposed sincerity they showed. All too many times, she’s recalled people saying phrases like “everyone is different” and “live and let live.” These same people, whom at one point she was beyond grateful to have associated with, showed her how far from genuine they possibly were.
One day, she ultimately opened up about her true identity, in the comfort of her own home to start. She assumed she was able to feel secure with her parents who were yet to find out about one of the most important things about her. After being disowned, she was pretty much left on her own. If truth be told, her parents couldn’t even offer some guidance and supportive ears to listen.
To this day, the reaction still haunts her mind.
“Tiffany, what do you mean you like girls?! This is so wrong. This isn’t the daughter that I know!” her mother cried out.
Her father didn’t react any better, as he was reluctant to stand up for Tiffany in the moment and hasn’t engaged with her much since.
Tiffany has never had a best friend, so after going through that trouble she felt she had no one to reach out to for comfort. Though she’s never had a best friend, she did maintain a few seemingly good connections her past few years at Meadows High School. She wasn’t incredibly close to any of them, they were more or less situational friends. But, from what she’d witnessed all her years living in town, people generally weren’t tolerant when it came to LGBTQ+ topics, discussions and people.
After her family turned their backs on her earlier on, Tiffany was terrified beyond belief of coming out to her teachers and classmates. So, for the reason that she waited it out a while and remained silent for several weeks on end.
“I shouldn’t do it, I’m going to make things worse for myself” she pleaded to herself one morning, a few weeks after coming out to her parents. “But there’s still a slight chance I won’t though…” she reasoned in the back of her mind. In that moment of indecisiveness, Tiffany was torn between entering school with the right mindset or letting her anxieties consume her.
Once she finally decided to go for it; open up and share who she really is, her day started out with nothing but willingness and positivity. She was unlike the quiet, reserved person she usually was but instead people began to feed off her joyful energy that morning. They had no idea what was coming, and neither did she as a matter of fact.
It all began when she stayed behind one day after her first period class to talk to her preferred teacher as she had mentioned earlier in the day. Without hesitation, she sat down as she came face to face with Mrs. Owens’ big bright smile and stunning blue eyes. “I can do this, I can do this” she thought. “What’s the worst that could possibly happen?”
Tiffany opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t seem to find the words for a few seconds.
She breathed deeply, and then finally admitted herself to say it. “I’m pansexual.”
Just then Tiffany watched unsettled as Mrs. Owens’ warm, welcoming smile faded away.
A few seconds of awkward silence went by.
“You can be dismissed from my class, Tiffany” she said, forcing her away.
Tiffany left, and sighed. All she could think of was how much of a disgrace she felt like.
In what was supposed to be such an accepting community, Tiffany had opened her eyes long ago to the fact that it was anything but accepting. She hoped for the best and gave it the benefit of the doubt, but then wished she had went with her initial instinct. No way would she dare to tell her classmates at this point. They were bound to respond just as negatively as everyone already was. Tiffany certainly felt an indescribable feeling of shame and fear knowing there was no escape from everything happening in her life. Her friends were oblivious as to what was pushing her away, and Tiffany felt far from at ease admitting to them what the trouble was. Only soon did they find out…
Tiffany strolled down the school hallway by her lonesome later that same afternoon, to find something that would make her regret ever sharing about her true self. There it was, right in front of her eyes written in bright, vivid colors on the wall outside her homeroom as it read: “WE DO NOT CONDONE LGBTQ+ AT THIS SCHOOL, TIFFANY”
She felt shocked and all she wanted to do was just run away like she was never there to begin with.
“Wait a minute, Tiffany is gay?”
She heard the familiar voice and turned around to realize that it happened to be one of her closest friends. A few students in another corner gathered and laughed as they watched Tiffany become more apprehensive. Suddenly she startled when the door to her right swung open and Mrs. Owens gazed into the hallway and casually watched what was going on. Right then is when it all made sense and finally clicked with her.
As it turned out, and she was correct in thinking, Mrs. Owens took it upon herself to out Tiffany to other students and teachers without the permission of Tiffany and much less to her knowledge.
She felt so mortified, embarrassed more than she could comprehend. She dashed to the front door of the school, and left just like that on-the-brink of tears.
She was in disbelief that she just encountered something so discourteous. In a town so small where people were expected to be part of a close-knitted community, she knew there were major changes it needed to undertake at some point. The hardest thing was having nobody to help fight for changes with her. As the strong person she had always been, she had a feeling she could endure what she was going through. Though it was impossible to change people’s minds and opinions, she knew that didn’t have to stop her from showing people she was living her best life nonetheless. She had the determination in her to not care whilst wishing she didn’t feel so different from everyone else at the same time. But in her right mind, she knew being different wasn’t necessarily bad, it was the people around her who made it seem like it was such a horrific thing. “I won’t change for anybody” she said to herself. “I know I love myself and that’s all that matters.”
“But who is going to love me though…”
Tiffany sighed again.
Coming to the realization that the people who were supposed to be solid in her life weren’t worth a second thought was painful. She had to have her own back for the first time in her life.
It was harder than it sounded, as she felt lonelier than ever not having anybody to turn to. It now seemed like it would be a constant battle. A battle that she wished was only in her head, but unfortunately really existed.
Tiffany continued on walking, with no intention of turning back toward the school. Though part of her wanted to have strength, she needed time to collect her thoughts together. She finally reached the end of the street to spot something else so shocking yet not as mortifying on her behalf as what she had just experienced; an anti-LGBTQ sign sitting at the bottom of a beloved neighbor’s doorstep. She was still so distraught that all she wanted to do in that moment was react with anger as opposed to despair.
She just shook her head in disappointment.
Tiffany herself was never for the whole “eye for an eye” subject. But she did however see no reason to continue thinking highly of everyone who disowned her. In her mind, it was out of self-respect and not spite. She did in fact view this as an opportunity to build her own pride. She knew she was capable of valuing her own self-confidence rather than expecting other people to love her. The challenge was accepting the fact that the people she once knew changed.
For as long as she maintained peace within herself and focused on her own solidarity, that energy was bound to come back around to her in the future.
What was more than baffling to her was the fact that such uplifting words once came from her parents. She always knew to have faith in herself, but the people who built her up to have that outlook were the ones now abandoning her. What she had to do, all she really could do was brush it aside.
“I’ll just have to simply live and let live” she kindly reminded herself.
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