A common language and starting point for each other to recognize the
different moods we get in or the strength of emotions we feel.
*Credit Due: The target is replicated and adapted for younger ages upon my exposure to Jim Sporleder's amazing work. -Mr. S
Target overviewRelated strength video links: The target works a lot with the strengths of Self-Control/Self-Regulation, Social Intelligence, Prudence ( and aspects from Mindfulness (recognizing your thoughts and feelings without the need to judge it).
'In the Yellow' = KIND OF feeling something.
'In the Red' = REALLY feeling something. Feeling a strong emotion.
Linking the target to the stoplight helps students to:
Gain the self-awareness to know when I am in the yellow or red.
Gain awareness of another to recognize when THEY are in the yellow or red.
Increase the self-control and social intelligence strengths. Develop patterns of not pushing another to handle a conflict when the timing is off.
Increase the chance for better outcomes and emotional safety by waiting until each party is in the green or a less reactive state. Because so many conflicts are unnecessary when we can learn to give some time and perspective.
How do you know when you are 'in the yellow' or 'in the red'?
What do you do when you are there? This is the difference between reacting vs. responding (using your strength of self-control).
As you are learning about yourself in situations, what would you like to keep doing and what would you like to change?
Knowing ahead of time what will you do or not do can be very, very helpful! In the moment we feel like doing or saying MANY things. But after those moments pass we can see a bit more clearly. Knowing ahead of time that "I will not allow myself to hit someone when I am angry" or "I will walk away when I am angry" could help relationships you want to keep.
Strengths In Use:
You are using your strength of Prudence just recognizing there are times to be more careful. You are using your strength of self-control/regulation by NOT doing everything you feel when in red (or even yellow). Then you invite your strength of prudence so you do not do or say things you might regret! You notice this is a time to be a little cautious, think ahead and try to make wise choices.
This is a circuit breaker. Maybe you have seen one in your home/apartment.
If there is too much energy coming through, a switch will get flipped. Then electricity, or power, stops to those outlets. This switch acts as a protection.
When you are 'in the red' with anger, there is a lot of energy coming through you. That is part of what anger does - provide you a lot of energy!
When getting in the yellow or red, some people keep practicing flipping their switch and will not continue to do certain things. Like:
Even though I am feeling something strongly, I will not allow myself to hit or kick someone.
I will not allow myself to say things just to really hurt another person, even though I could.
When do you flip your switch so you don't do or say something-too soon and they don't know how you feel/what you think or too late and you feel sorry for hurting them? Do you want to flip it earlier or later? You get to decide this.
Notice you are feeling a certain way. (Feelings will come and go and they serve a purpose)
Ask yourself what are these emotions trying to telling you?
What are a couple different ways you could handle this?
Based on who and how you want to be, choose what to do.
When in the red, REALLY try to be careful of your decisions! Really try to slow things down!
video.movStrong emotion got you in the RED?
You will want to go your fastest in a race, but it is often a great idea to slowdown and be careful reacting quickly to a strong emotion.
Reacting quickly to big emotions (in the red) by making important decisions or saying/doing something you might later want to do differently you might want to learn to be more Slothlike!
Before you react maybe the Sloth can help be a reminder to:
SL_ _ TH_ _ _ _ DOW_
...And if you did or said something when you were in the yellow or red... Use your strength of Forgiveness!
Project 76.movIMG_1123.TRIM.MOVIMG_1126.TRIM.MOVVideo Overview of the Stoplight
Stoplight-first oneRelated to the Stoplight video:
You might suspect someone is 'in the red' if they are baiting you. Recognize it and avoid it!
Project 50.movIf space is needed.
Project 45.movIf you are in the yellow and the other person is not understanding the signal you are giving them.
Project 40.mov
Know that you can always give someone space.
Or ask for space yourself, instead of forcing an issue when it is not the better time.
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You can also ask: "You seem upset. Are you in the yellow? Or red?
You can also say: "I am in the red/yellow, and I am not ready to talk yet." "I need some space right now."
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You can also say to another person: "Let me know when you are feeling better, I would love to talk with you then."
I am confident in your abilities to find a solution, but when you both are in green. Maybe you can tell them, "let me know when you are ready to talk about this. "
You may want to brush up on being Kindly Honest when seeking to solve a conflict.
Some DON'Ts:
Try to force a conversation when you or they are not in the place.
Interrupt the other person when they are sharing.
Make the focus about why you are right.
Argue why this is their fault.
Not 'owning' your part you played in the situation- if you did play a part.
Being sarcastic during the conversation.
Baiting the other person (or taking the bait) [see video above on Baiting]
Draw YOUR target.
What does YOUR overall target look like? How big is your Green?
Now, how about with different emotions (at this time in your life)? Try drawing your target for how it seems for you regarding: Anger, Sadness, Embarrassed, Bored, Confused, Scared/Nervous/Worried, Jealous. Tell us more about what you have drawn!
Some of these targets show differences of how slow or fast it feels or if it seems to take a little, medium amount or a lot to get you to yellow or to red?
Some examples of what a target might look like for any emotion:
Now, on each target, write down or draw pictures of what happens with each emotions that you find yourself going to yellow or red about.
Now, discuss with a friend, or teacher, what do you feel like doing or what does it feel like for you when you get in this space? Also, write down or draw what you are learning or trying not to do when you are in that space. These actions (what you say or do) that you draw or write are things you are working on with that emotion.
Pick an emotion you feel at school and show or share with others how they might know how you are feeling? What do you look like or sound like that shares to others you are feeling in the Yellow or Red with (emotion)?
1. How would you like others to respond to you if others know more of how you are feeling? a. What would you like other students to say or NOT to say? b. What would you like students to do or NOT to do? c. What would you like your teacher to say or NOT to say? d. What would you like your teacher to do or NOT to do?
2. If, or when, someone--including yourself-- does not do or say the better thing, what can you say to yourself?
Start a list (writing or drawing) what helps you to get back to green. This list can include what you say or do OR what you do not say or do not do that helps you calm again. (Example: I do not keep arguing!)
Start a list (writing or drawing) what helps you get back to green at school. This list can include what you say or do OR what you do not say or do not do that helps you calm again. Share what you have written or drawn!
Taking a few minutes alone or asking for some space
Drawing
Coloring
Using Play-Do
Reading
Using the Chill Spot (all the above can be done in the Chill Spot and can be enlarged with other sensory items too)
talking with someone (teacher, a friend, Mr. S)
Taking a walk (getting a drink of water)
What else would be helpful? Start a list, keep exploring items that work (learning ones that don't) and grow that list. There can be a list overall, and a list you can use at school. This can be a powerful tool to develop self-awareness.
Instead of saying I feel "bad" see if you can create a list of emotions so you can broaden your understanding and labeling of them for yourself and others. Instead of "I feel bad", you could say "I feel disappointed" or "I feel like I am not being heard."
How easy or hard is it for you to stop doing or saying things when you are in the red with anger?
What role do emotions play? How do emotions serve me?
Much of the time we feel like immediately doing or saying something in an unpleasant situation, but if we can give ourselves a few minutes to calm, gain perspective to decide how we want to address the situation (act on it and how, not act on it), then we can have more options of how to skillfully handle the situation. That is using our strength of Self-regulation!
Show everyone how you might look when you are in the yellow with xxx, or in the red with xxx? Tell everyone how you might act when you are in the yellow with xxx, or in the red with xxx? (express and read emotions and corresponding cues)
In a conflict. Feel your feelings, and then explore what it might be like from the other person's perspective.
Draw, write or think of times when the stoplight was or will be useful for you to remember?
Discuss or write: How easy or hard is it for you to tell someone you are not ready to try to work things out yet? That you need some more time or space?
Discuss or write: How easy or hard is it for you to give someone space or time when they tell you they are not ready to try to work things out yet?
What do you need to be aware or careful about when one or both people are in the yellow?
Think how this stoplight can be something you can use in your life other than at school too.
How can you learn to recognize what is in your control and the many things that are not?
