Heather's December 2018 Blog
December 30, 2018
Totally backwards this should have been my first blog but it wasn’t because it really hits home for me. My brother, Alex, Army MP killed himself 9/22/14 and his birthday is today. I have been a mess all week and wondered why and figured out from forevermissed.com it was his birthday. You see, I remember the day he shot himself but not the day he was born. I remember the phone call telling me he died and not the phone calls he told me how much he loved me. I remember holding his ashes and not how many pictures he showed me of my nephew Milo (his dog) every single memory goes back to his death. EVERY SINGLE ONE I can see us sitting on a bench together and talking but I cannot hear the words. I remember the lies he told me that he was fine. I remember the lies he told me that he would never kill himself. I remember the lies he told me people that kill themselves are weak. I don’t remember the laughing, the time he sent my kids money for Christmas and I had to lie to them because they did not know he existed (that will be below) and I remember me messaging him the minute he shot himself and can still see his brains all over the room. Again, I am just like you. So many of my readings start with please remember me how I was not how I died yet I do not follow my own advice. Who on earth follows their own advice? Don’t we live with “do as I say not as I do?” I know I say that numerous times to my kids.
Alex and I grew up in different worlds. We share a “dad” but his “dad” and Alex’s mom met at a AA meeting and decided to have a child. Alex’s mom was Steven’s (“dad”) 5th wife and my mom was his 1st. (I later went on to have a good childhood with my dad and mom while Alex was thrown down the stairs, not fed, beaten and put down. He had Bipolar and his mom did nothing, he had Aspergers and again she did nothing. Alex was born with a destiny of having a shit life. Alex and I were 14 years apart and I had no relationship with Steven. Alex’s mom did a good job of keeping us apart by telling me how violent he is and she told him I abandoned him. Steven eventually went on to kill himself and Alex reached out. I had two glorious years with my brother. Alex lost over 100 pounds and enlisted in the Army (with bipolar and Aspergers?!) Alex went on two tours. I started talking to Alex when he was discharged and put in an apartment (thanks VA) and told to take classes in school (thanks again.) Again, Alex was destined to fail and did not even make it a week into school. Like many people his pain and suffering seemed manageable. We spoke all day every day. He seemed okay. I did not tell my children about him because I was not ready. I also did not want them to know about Steven as he was irrelevant to all of us. Alex and I planned to meet at Hershey Park and I was excited we had not seen each other since he was 10. Then he was gone. It was all bullshit and the best thing I ever did was not tell my children about him. My kids were not affected by his death but by my reaction. Alex was surprised I am a psychic medium. I was not talking about it and this will be the subject of the next blog (and youtube video.) The evening Alex died i opened my eyes and he was standing there with his arms reaching out for me and I screamed “DON’T GO” at the top of my lungs. I begged, I pleaded and I could not do one thing to save him. Apparently that ship had sailed.
Your thoughts? Yes I am just like you. I miss him like crazy. I tell my kids I would give my right arm for 5 minutes on a bench with him. 5 minutes…..just to hold him. He took half my heart with him and took so much of me from my kids. He made ME a victim and left ME with the stigma of suicide and mental illness. He did not think of ME when he pulled the trigger. I have seen Alex’s suicide scene and I was nowhere in his mind or at the end of that gun. I could not have stopped him. To this day I cannot look at active or veterans wearing their “uniform,” I can’t watch Army movies and I cannot go a day without missing Alex.
I give back to active and veterans. I will buy them lunch, I have taught my children to thank them for their service. They never come back the same.
Okay I have to start cooking before Kerry kicks my ass. Two blogs in one day will not be the norm. Next blog will be about how the hell I knew I was a medium.
Happy New Years!
Oh anyone know the lotto numbers?
December 31, 2018
Happy New Year
This is my FIRST BLOG EVER! I am so so excited about this website and the changes being made to my business. Thanks to my wonderful, amazing friend, Michelle Warren, who really had to whip my butt into shape to do this and I am so happy I did.
My “Live” video last night was amazing. I believe it even hit three hours which is an all time high. At one point I had about 20 people watching! I am so thankful for my group. I am so thankful for the people that actually want to watch me on a Sunday evening because they want to, I truly truly love everyone in my group. This group has supported my business and when I am doubting myself, being yelled at by a member and frustrated I go to your ratings and read through them. I have almost 600 positive feedback and that is crazy to me. Staying humble is part of my job. I keep my life even. I read for my friends and family for free and charge others, I give back when I can, I run raffles no matter whether I make money on them or not and lastly I try and make everyone happy (which by the way is impossible so look above to me getting yelled at.)
As the new year approaches (holy cow already??) I reflect on my family, my friends and my business. When I think about how blessed I am it can be overwhelming. All of your support and love is astounding and I appreciate every single one of you. Did I say that already? Without you I would not be me. On the flip side I made another amazing friend, Jessica, who I am so grateful for. Really really strange events to get Jessica and I together. Jessica’s husband, Jeffrey is a teacher at my boy’s school and he is the reason Sam decided to go there. Flash to about 6 months and Jeffrey is my daughter’s softball coach and Sarah and Addie became quick friends. There are times when people are meant to be in your life and I have to say we were all put in each others laps kind of like “you WILL BE FRIENDS” so work on that. So grateful for them as well.
Like you I have had people come into my life and leave my life. Love and loss like everyone else. I had a “friend” that I thought would be “ride or die” and I had to have her “ride away.” Beth and Kerry pretty much had to shake me and say what the hell are you doing?! My daughter is in her last year of elementary school and really cannot wait to get the hell out of it. I must say I agree with her.
I have done so many videos on what it is like to be friends with me. Is it different? Am I weird? How would someone be friends with a psychic medium. Well guess what I am just like you. Whoever is reading this. Whoever is spending time reading my blogs, watching my videos, joining my live feeds and watching my Youtube channel. I make mistakes, I piss them off, and we laugh until we pee ourselves, and I live life like all of you. My friends are my tribe and I am so glad I finally met everyone. This took years so if you have not met your tribe yet keep going! I met Beth and Kerry at a frigging Anti Bully Group! Seriously?! Beth and I have more of a history we met in a suicide awareness group for Veterans. My brother Alex killed himself in 2014. This year I have grown so much as a person as I used to not care what he thought and now I just want to make him proud. I can see hear and feel my brother. Is it different for me? Honestly, no. I had so much anger and guilt I would not let him come near me for years. As part of growth and acceptance while I cannot completely forgive him I can work on it.
Back to what it’s like being my friend. I’m a pain in the ass and not the nicest person in the world. I am the one that hides in the corner during social events unless its a party and I have to read for people. I am the person that sits in the back at school events. I am the person that brings my Nook to read while I wait to pick up my kids. Luckily, my boys can get Sarah now so that is over (whew). Do I blurt out readings to my friends I do. Is it annoying? I am not sure you would have to ask them. My sentences used to be “can I be a medium right now” but instead I just blurt shit out. Poor Jessica has gotten information from her friend that passed at an amusement park, Kerry has gotten information while she is driving from the beach, Beth has gotten information at restaurants.
My parents have been read but only when asked. My dad was not a “believer” and it took me two frigging years to change his mind. My mom has had such a difficult time for almost a year so her information is more healing. I am happy to help.
My kids know what it means to sage the house and they help, they know what it means when I ask Sarah if she sees the spirit rocking in the rocking chair and I ask her opinion if we should let him stay. Oh I did not mention Sarah is a psychic medium as well…..and she is 11. No picnic there. Sarah wants to be a better psychic medium then me and guess what DO IT! I do let Sarah read for what I call “safe people” where I can talk to the spirit and know the client. Who can blame me? She is just a kid and it is my goal to preserve as much of my kid’s childhood as I can. These days so much innocence is lost and my kids know way too many things because they have to. I have to be honest and this world is not a world to raise children that don’t know what is going on. However, my children do not have social media. No facebook, instagram, twitter any of that. I am that mom.
I am not going to make myself any New Years promises I won’t keep. I hope I will follow through with my weight loss journey. Jessica and Kerry both have my back.
Happy New Years everyone. Thank you for your ongoing love and support.