September 2019 Blog
Today happens to be Alex’s 6 (not 5 now I feel more like crap) “anniversary.” What about his birthday? Do I celebrate NO his death day. I cannot say I sat here and had my own private party for him but instead I chose to stay with my dog. My husband actually dragged me out of bed which made me cry even more. The people I expected to reach out didn’t and the one person I spent months pushing away did. Not only did she but she made plans for today and wanted to distract me. The rest of you? Nothing except maybe a text. The ONE person outside of my family I doubted, argued with and pushed away went out of her way to help. I turned into Alex and pushed her away. We are siblings you know…..What a POS I am.
I ended up canceling today’s plans because I just could not move and she accepted my decision and told me if I want to go out later to text her. Is that a real friend? I really don’t know. Am I a good friend? Not likely…
All of you reading this are reading the vulnerable side of me. Suicide is the vulnerable brings me right back down to earth and I feel the exact pain you do. Actually, everyone mourns the way they do as do I.
I am keeping my mini reading post up and I am going to do this. Alex reminded me of my path and I will honor him and do these readings. My members and clients do deserve to be read because it is a Sunday. I do have a couple of giveaways during tonight’s readings which is different and fun.
Tune into Psychic Empowerment on facebook it should be fun and let’s see if I can hold myself together.
I am going to end this depressing blog. Please understand today is a day for me that is miserable. I do like to show the human side of me every once in a while.
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you don’t know where to start? That is where I am right now. As you know, I went to Mohegan Sun Psychic fair and had a blast. I do believe I made some contacts and got to meet some new people which makes it all worth it! The person that ran the fair was organized, paid attention to where she put people so two people doing the same thing were not on top of each other, made sure everyone had a good time and tested every single reader so the people attending the fair hired with confidence. I had so much fun! I am supposed to answer some questions Rebecca has asked vendors to answer. Rebecca if you are reading this I really have to think of my words because the fair was perfect. I got invited to the next fair. Such an honor. Rebecca’s fairs are invite only.
I went to a different fair today. Any new fair is scary and makes my anxiety go through the roof until I get there. This fair was smaller and had more merch vendors then the other one. This fair was another fun one and I met some pretty awesome people today. Meeting the people makes it all worth it. I would say I had a good weekend.
September, October and November are the Out of Darkness walks and camping. I have mentioned I am way too much of a princess to camp. No electricity no Heather. Last year my kids and I ran different booths and that worked out well. The walk this year is at a different venue and is much bigger. I have to say I am not sure I can do this. I miss my brother so much. I miss him so much I want to scream as loud as I can. My life is not easier than yours because of what I do for a living. I have to say I believe it is more complicated and more painful at times. I do not get emotional during my readings. It’s not me doing the readings I push myself aside for spirit to take over. I can feel their pain and how they died, I can see where they are standing and what they are doing. I have seen so many things other people would be heartbroken if they saw. I do have a tough skin with everyone else’s spirits but I cannot mention Alex without crying.
5 frigging years. 5 years. I cannot remember Alex’s voice. (when I hear spirit it sounds like my my voice) I have my why. I have my note. I have the key to his apartment that he abandoned to go kill himself but I don’t have him. No one fully understands what it is like because I am not a muggle. Being a psychic medium is my JOB not my life. Now I am sitting here looking at “being a psychic medium is my JOB not my life.” I have to correct myself. Being a psychic medium is my life. I chose it. I chose it with open arms and not knowing what the hell I was getting myself into. I wanted that time with Alex. Alex lied to me and promised me he would never kill himself. Alex promised he would get help or move closer to me and we would have been able to be real brother and sister. (quick backstory we have the same dad but are 14 years apart tons of reasons we did not get in touch until people had passed) I had two years with Alex. Two years 5 years ago. For the love of God…
I have a card in my psychic tarot deck that says trapped in fear. How could Alex NOT be trapped in fear? How could he pull the trigger so quickly and not even think about it. I asked Alex to show me his suicide scene so I can make sure he let the dog out and I wanted to know where his mind was. Alex showed me. No hesitation. No thought but that gun and that trigger. Alex, how? I can get these answers but they will never be good enough. I know the answers but they still are not what I want to hear. I want “sister I made a mistake,” “sister I tried really hard to not leave you.” “sister I will go get the help I need.” Alex called me sister. Alex never called me Heather it was always sister.
Don’t the Out of Darkness walks know they trigger people’s feelings? Don’t they know how difficult it can be to put one foot in front of the other? 5 years I have been doing this. For those of you that know exactly what I am going through I am sorry. For those of you that have no idea what I am going through I pray you never have to.
For 5 minutes (one minute per year) I would give up my gift, anyone in my life that he blessed me with and every single limb. 5 minutes. I have thought so many times what would I do in those 5 minutes? I would hug and hold him and tell him how much I love him. I gave everything up for those 5 minutes I would not argue, ask why, judge and beg….I would hold him. I would smell him and listen to his voice one more time because I forgot what he sounds like. I would thank him for the precious two years we had together and for the last time watch him walk away.
Alex I love you forever how ever long that it. This blog was one of the most difficult blogs I ever wrote. I wanted you to know I struggle as well, I am alone as well. No one wants to talk about my brother killing himself 5 years ago. I just keep going like you do.
Check out Erica’s site. She is the best card reader and group witch I know. Madhawktarot.com
Fall, pumpkins and more pumpkins
Yes, I am one of those people that love pumpkin everything. The dunkin donuts pumpkin muffin is delicious (ask my huge butt)
As you all know I was struggling with summer break ending to the beginning of school. Thankfully, everyone has transitioned but I won’t hold my breathe.
While I type this all I can think of is the death card. The death card to me is everything. Death us saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new. As like many of you, this is not a easy thing for people to do. I hate change and I am not very accepting of it BUT what can I do? Like you, nothing.
I have so many exciting things coming up. All the new fairs coming and I am going to be a presenter at one of the fairs as well. Very exciting news! I have to say I am cautiously proud. Like everyone else I worked very hard to get where I am. I am working at my favorite store tonight 5-8 pm EST Sella Luna, LLC in Southington. Before I work like these I have a serious panic attack that I have to walk myself through. I panic…
Panicking goes like this….my mind won’t stop telling me I lost my gift and I will be useless. I will let everyone down and my car will get repossessed (I pay it myself.) I am not the regular person where someone can just jump in and fill in because it is all me. When I worked the Mohegan sun fair Sam wanted nothing more than to help. He did help but he cannot do the readings. I am forever grateful for my gift and believe I mention it every single time I blog. After readings I am normally pumped up and happy I mean who wouldn’t be? Needless to say, busy weekend this weekend and I am so grateful I am all booked up.
Sam has been practicing his gift. Sam is a psychic which means he can see the future. Sam can tell what will happen in the future by talking to him. I am so proud of him and his teenage hormones help the gift come out faster and stronger. I mean he is my kid not sure what I expected.
Sam has read some strangers that I have read before and people close to me. Thank you everyone for your support.
Hopefully I will see you at one of my events this weekend. I do have my schedule on the website.
Thank you for reading this. If you want to get the best paid card reading you will ever have in your entire life check out Erica’s site at madhawktarot.com
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Facebook name is Heather Gottlieb