Embedded Files
Unhappily married with children - Not happy in marriage but have a child.
We live in an era where broken homes are becoming the norm; where children are having to grow up with only one live-at-home parent. More than 45% of marriages now end in divorce and that doesn't include the relationship breakdown of those were not legally married. There could be a number of reasons why this is the case:
1. They are finding it increasingly difficult to stay together due to modern living.
2. There are more people marrying without due consideration of the commitment involved.
3. They are less able or willing to work at the marriage than parents used to be.
4. There is a more common belief that it is in the best interests of the children that they split up.
5. There is more violence, psychological abuse or drug/alcohol abuse in the home.
My focus here is not on the reasons why parents split up but to show the reasons why they should make every effort to stay together; how they can create a peaceful, stable home in which to bring up their children and find true happiness through loving their children more than themselves.
It is a modern myth that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The main argument parents give for breaking up is that they don't want their children growing up in a home which is constant conflict; that the adversity of a home where the parents don't get along will be detrimental to the mental health and development of the children. While the emotional fallout from two parents who's relationship has become difficult or completely broken down can affect the children, it doesn't have to be that way.
Supposing the parents were able to come to an amicable agreement for the sake of the children? What if they could find a way of living together without creating conflict? Wouldn't that be a better solution to the situation than breaking up the family home? Is it workable? Can two people really do this? I think so. My wife and I did it for 20 years.
We make compromises all the time for lesser reasons than the well-being and personal development of our children. We learn how to be 'professional' with work colleagues with whom we don't get along because we know that we need to keep our jobs. If it's possible to be peaceable and resolve conflicts in the workplace, why can't we do it at home?
Do we always agree with the behaviour of our friends? No, of course not. Do we feel that we always have to point out their character flaws or bad behaviour? No, because we know that good friends forgive each other and are willing to overlook indiscretions for the sake of keeping the friendship. Why not have this approach to marriage?
Will live by laws and rules in almost every aspect of life. We don't park on double yellow lines even when we think they have been painted in an inappropriate place. We move aside to allow people to pass us on the pavement. We stand in line when we need to buy stamps at the post office. We sit quietly when we read in the library. We pay taxes which we all think are too high. All of these are very real aspects of life. Aspects which require us to make adjustments, show restraint, be disciplined, show respect to laws and to other people. We don't always like it, and sometimes it's difficult, but we do it nonetheless.
If we can behave this way in the more mundane aspects of life, why shouldn't our children expect us to do it in our relationships for their sakes?
Is it really so hard for two people to learn to make the necessary compromises in their own relationship to provide their children with the best possible upbringing they can - one with a stable home, with two parents who are selflessly devoted to their children?
If conflict is the reason for leaving why not look for ways to resolve the conflict? Or at least, make compromises so that the children are not subjected to the conflict? Is an unhappy marriage a good reason to break up a family? Or do parents seriously think that creating a broken home will be better for the children?
I don't believe for a moment that a child growing up with two parents who have split up will be better off than one who has two parents who are prepared to work together to give their child a peaceful, stable home to live, grow and learn in. It is naive for a parent to think that a child of divorced parents will suffer less than one who has only one home, one set of values, a state of normality and both a male and female presence on a regular basis to enjoy.
Children of divorced parents may do better than living in a home where shouting and screaming are occurring on a daily basis, but if the parents can resolve to live peaceably - if not affectionately - with each other, they will be creating a much better solution for their child's upbringing than living apart and creating conflict within their children.
Discover one of the most destructive things you're probably doing to your marriage right now that is destroying your chances of saving it. Learn the key tips to make your spouse turn towards you instead of turning away - Learn more here
Divorce is never easy on the children and they are by no means unaffected by having to grow up with two parents who live apart, no matter how loving those parents are towards their children. Even if a child is too young to experience the trauma of divorce on a cognitive level, he or she will still be affected by it. Scientific evidence has shown that children from broken homes have under-developed emotional capabilities. Perhaps because such children grow up knowing that one or both of his/her parents decided that their own personal happiness was more important than theirs. This would cause the children to withdraw emotionally from one or both of the parents, giving them low self-esteem and an inability to make strong emotional connections to others.
Of course, I've heard the arguments from people who have grown up after divorce who have said that they are glad that their parents split up because they were fed up with the shouting or the long silences. And there are those who say 'I would never have wanted my mother or father to be unhappy for my sake'. But who knows what effects growing up with divorced parents have on a child? Most of us are not capable of assessing our own emotional well-being or character development. We are not really the best judges of how our parents actions affect us. But if we look at the statistics, there is strong evidence to show that not having both a male and female present in the home to influence us during our formative years does have a detrimental effect on our personal development, even if those influences may not be of the highest standard.
But what if a child grows up with two parents who were so committed to giving their child the home and upbringing they deserve - the best that they can provide, that they stayed together and found a way of living in harmony with each other? What would that say to the child? That he/she were so valued that his/her parents wouldn't even consider disrupting her life for the sake of their own happiness. But does a parent have to sacrifice their own happiness by staying in the marriage?
Perhaps not.
Staying for the sake of the children doesn't mean that parents have to live unhappily together. By changing his/her priorities a parent can find happiness in other aspects of life. If marriage is the be all, end all of a person's life then yes, he/she will suffer immensely when the relationship breaks down. However, there is more to life than marriage. Emotional, intellectual and relational needs can be met to a greater or lesser extent through other aspects of life. There are friendships, pastimes, volunteer work and social groups which can provide much of what a parent needs to feel 'connected'. But more importantly, there is immeasurable satisfaction to be found in throwing oneself into being a great parent.
Am I talking about living vicariously through your children to find happiness? No. I'm talking about finding happiness through giving to your children. Through loving them, caring for them and making them happy. If parents were to remove some of the importance they place on what they get out of their marriage and place it on what they put into their parenting, they would find that the rewards for placing their children's needs above their own far outweigh any sacrifices they make for their children.
The affection that a parent desires from their partner should never be looked for in their children, but that doesn't mean that they cannot pour their affection on their children and find personal joy in doing so. Nothing is being demanded from the children in doing this and a parent can never be too affectionate to their children.
There is nothing in life more rewarding than knowing that your love and commitment to your child has resulted in her personal development into a mature, stable and loving adult. I'm not saying that divorced parents are not loving or committed, but if parents can dig deep and find the resolve to stay in their marriage and make it workable for the sake of their children, they will provide them with the best possible upbringing they can and give them the best chance of growing up to be the best people they can be.
Staying for the children's sake can work if parents really want it to. It's just a question of how much of oneself a parent is willing to give and to sacrifice to see their children thrive.
50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage. There are powerful techniques that will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here
Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your marriage can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage - Learn More Here
Being married could be challenging. Visit our blog, we can help you have a blissful marriage! Go to: RomanceDictionary.com
---------------------------------------------------
Further Reading:
How To Get Back On The Same Page With Your Spouse
How To Make My Husband Talk To Me After A Fight
How Do I Talk To My Husband Without Fighting
How To Deal With A Negative Critical Husband
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse