Always Angry At My Spouse: Am I Too Critical Of My Spouse

Always angry at my spouse - Am I too critical of my spouse.

Anger. Isn't that the emotion that wrecks relationships? Terrifies children? Provokes violence? How can anyone say anything positive about it? For many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families, trying to appreciate anger may seem like extolling the virtues of migraines.

Let's first start by dispelling some misconceptions. Anger is not violence. It is not screaming or yelling, and it is not sarcasm. These are merely mismanaged anger-driven behaviors. Anger is really just a form of emotional energy. It's energy oriented toward protection and survival and we have it because it has helped our species to evolve. Fifty thousand years ago, it helped us to keep the jackals away from our prey. Today, we're more symbolic. Anger now helps us to protect our self-concepts from injury. An important thing to know about anger is that it's always driven by one of two possible emotions. Look under anger and you will always find either fear or pain. That's useful to understand when you face an angry lover. Trying to understand the fear or pain of your partner can help you avoid the cycle of trading retributions. If anger is energy, then like most forms of energy it can be constructive or destructive. Atomic or electrical energies are highly toxic if they are not constructively channeled. Shielded and focused, they're very useful.

So how can anger be useful? Do you think you can have a healthy intimate relationship without sometimes saying "No" or "please stop"? Where do you think you get the energy to oppose your partner's wishes and risk their displeasure when your needs come into conflict with theirs? Many people have a naive notion that intimate partners should be a perfect fit so that conflict doesn't occur. That's not the real world. In the real world, partners have conflicting needs every day and maintaining the relationship is a balancing act. What does useful anger look like? It doesn't have to look like a rage or a tantrum. One example is when you ask your partner to stop doing something that bothers you. Another example is when you maintain the privacy of a relationship from someone else who is disrespectfully prying into your sensitive memories. Useful anger often involves planning.

For example, seeking relationship counseling can also be a healthy expression of anger. Working very hard to save a troubled business can be another form. All of these examples involve energy to preserve or defend; to defend personal comfort, to defend privacy, to defend a relationship, to defend a livelihood. Who would deny that it's healthy to mobilize the energy to preserve or defend our self interests? Many people. Why? It's because so many of us have seen unhealthy expression or enactment of anger.

If you grew up in an alcoholic or other kind of dysfunctional family, you probably have witnessed parents who expressed anger in what's known as a "regressed" form. This means that when they got angry, they tended to become like children having a tantrum and that's very dangerous. Children don't focus or channel their anger. They act it out without regard to consequence. Fortunately, toddlers don't have the strength, the means, or the freedom to cause much damage. Try to imagine a highly verbal and mobile 200 lb. toddler throwing a tantrum. That's what a regressed parent can be like. Those of us who have witnessed an alcoholic parent beat or demean our other parent, shoot the family dog, or leave bloody welts on our legs have probably learned early on that anger is ugly, dangerous, and unhealthy. We may also learn something else: that under no circumstances will we be like our angry parent.

And so, we may learn to deny our anger and become as un-angry as possible. But this doesn't work. It doesn't work because without our anger we can't maintain our boundaries during intimacy. It also doesn't work because if we don't welcome anger into our adult experience, then we also will experience our anger in a regressed form. There are many male readers of this article who fear that they will become explosive like their fathers. The sad fact is that in order to avoid their anger, they must also avoid intimacy... and do so.

Instead of viewing anger as necessarily ugly, let me suggest a view that allows the possibility for "beautiful" anger. What is beautiful anger? It's anger that's not designed to inflict pain but rather allows you to defend self-interest and thereby to risk intimacy. It's anger that helps you to mobilize and say "No" when you need to. It's anger that addresses the needs of that little child inside you and gives you the unconscious message "I'll protect you and keep you safe." If viewed in this way, anger can be focused and channeled as an expression of self-love. Doesn't that sound beautiful?

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There are many things you can do to deal with anger in marriage. One of the things I urge you to do before everything else is to stop playing the blame game. You should avoid putting the blame on your husband or wife. You must accept responsibility for your actions. When you do this, you are on the right track to solving the problem.

Another thing you should do is to let your partner know that if the two of you don't do something about the problem of anger in your home, the marriage may be heading for the rock. Some wives or husbands often try to look for solution alone without getting the cooperation of their spouse. This is wrong because the solution you will get will be temporal. When the two of you seek for and get the much needed help, the job becomes easier.

Once you have sought for and get the cooperation of your spouse, it is essential that both of you see an anger management counselor. Seeing the counselor alone is wrong as the counselor will not be able to proffer the best solution. But when the counseling session is done with the two of you, it will be easier for the counselor to determine the source of anger in the home and recommend what the two of you should do.

You and your spouse should try to put into practice what the counselor has told you. It may be difficult at first, but it will work as you persist. In addition, you and your spouse should understand each other. When you do, you are leaving little or no room for anger. Be sincere with each other in your finances since it is one of the causes of anger in a marriage.

When anger in marriage is not well handled by both husband and wife, it often leads to divorce. It is really essential for you to save your marriage by taking all measures to nip the problem in the bud before it brings an end to your lovely home and family.

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your marriage can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage - Learn More Here

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Further Reading:

My Husband Made Me So Angry I Hit Him

Lost Respect For Cheating Spouse

Can A Separation Save My Marriage

My Husband Spends Money Without Telling Me

My Wife Doesn't Want Me To Touch Her Anymore