My Husband Says He Has Lost Himself: Living With A Miserable Husband

My husband says he has lost himself - Living with a miserable husband.

Sometimes, you have a feeling that your marriage is deteriorating, but you hope that perhaps you are making things worse than they are. That is until your spouse says something that leaves you with no doubt that you were right. Sometimes your spouse uses extremely hurtful adjectives that can leave you unsure as to how to respond or where you go from here. Examples are words like "miserable," "loveless," or "dead."

I think that if he really and truly wanted to hurt you, he perhaps would have actually taken action to initiate some time off. He may have alluded to being "stuck," but at least he's making no plans to leave immediately. So that gives you some time to evaluate what you truly want and how you want to respond. When you evaluate this, try to do it at a time when you can be the most objective. What he said has hurt you, so it would be natural to allow that hurt to cloud your decision making. But it's important that you try very hard to really ask yourself what you would want if you could put the hurt aside. It sounds as if you are both committed to your family, so I'd suspect that what you'd truly want is a happy family where both parents are content in their marriage.

That may sound sort of silly considering where you are right now, but it's important to have your optimal endgame in mind. Then, ask yourself how you can get from where you are now to where you want to be. I am living proof that it is not impossible - even when you have a husband who claims to be "miserable." (My husband used this word several times.) And now that we are no longer separated and I have some hindsight, I realize that what he was really trying to tell me was that our marriage had changed drastically and that he wasn't happy (at all) with those changes. When you take the message at face value, then you have to ask yourself what is valid about that message.

There are some aspects that you won't be able to change - like the fact that you both have to devote time to your kids and jobs. But there are other things that you absolutely can change, like making intimacy and connection a priority and trying to improve the way that you currently interact with one another.

I know that you are concerned with what to do with this or how to respond. As someone who has received this type of hurtful message and then separated before I ultimately saved my marriage, here is my very best advice about that: I would take the message as a call to action. If I had all of this to do over again, I would read the message as my husband saying, "hey, I need you to make some changes before we really go off the rails. I want what we used to have." No these weren't the words that he said, but that is what he meant. I wish my reaction would have been to take an honest look at myself and my marriage and to immediately make the necessary changes. Instead, I got angry and defensive. This is a natural reaction, but it doesn't (and didn't) help.

If I had it to do over again, my reaction would have been to calmly ask him what bothered him the most and what he most wanted to change. That would have served us much better. So you might try something like, "I'm really sorry and hurt to hear you talk this way. But I want to hear the message of what you are really saying. I don't want for you to feel trapped. So what bothers you the most? What can we work together to fix?"

Your husband might be taken aback that you are having such a direct conversation. That's okay. Because you can't start to fix it until you know what is really broken with him. I know that his words hurt, but try to see this is as the necessary beginning to making the needed changes that might make you both happier.

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Sometimes your marriage can be tested by trials and some challenges but aside from striving to make your relationship happy, it is also important to learn some ways to save your marriage especially when big problems arise and the relationship may be threatened by divorce.

Infidelities in the relationship are often among the main reasons why relationships are falling apart, and of course, among the painful reasons too. It may not be simple to survive after infidelities in the relationship but you can find ways to save your marriage if you really want to give your relationship another chance.

Here are some of the ways that you might find useful in making your relationship work.

- Stop doing things that can hurt your marriage. If there is infidelity involved in the marriage, and you are involved in this extramarital affair, it is important to end these things totally before you are able to save your marriage.

- Avoid the common attitudes that can also harm your relationship. Marriage is a great experience especially during the first few years but it can also go sour if you or your partner starts to show attitudes that can harm your relationship. Jealousy without basis for example can be damaging to your relationship and thus, it is important to get rid of this behavior.

- Learn to listen and communicate effectively to your partner. Listening is one skill that is most often ignored but is a very important skill that you need to learn if you want to make your relationship work or if you want to save your marriage. It is also in listening that you can communicate effectively. Even in arguments, listening to your spouse is important to avoid more conflicts. If you think you are not giving your spouse time to explain his side, then you might want to think about it this time. Indeed, being able to communicate openly and listen to both sides,

- Give time to your partner. One of the ways to save your marriage from falling apart is by making sure you give time to your partner, despite the busy lifestyle these days. Even how little time you can spare, for as long as you spend it with your partner, it will help you a lot in saving your dwindling relationship. Show love by giving time to talk to your partner, laugh with him or discuss your future together. Even as simple as walking together on your morning exercise is a great time to strengthen that bond between you and your partner.

- Be positive. The troubles between partners often start from those negative attitudes that you show your partner. Instead of nagging him endlessly, try to appreciate the good things that your spouse has done for you, how little they may be. Of course, you can find many things to be grateful with if you are a positive person and if you see choose to see the positive things in your spouse rather than picking on his faults and mistakes.

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your marriage can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage - Learn More Here

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Further Reading:

My Husband Says He Needs To Find Himself

My Husband Told Me He Has No Feelings For Me

How Do I Talk To My Husband Without Fighting

My Husband Makes Me Feel Ugly and Worthless

My Wife Is Not Happy With Me Anymore