Lost Respect For Cheating Spouse: When You Lose Respect For Your Spouse

Lost respect for cheating spouse - When you lose respect for your spouse.

To learn how to respect your spouse after an affair may seem to be a difficult task. Many people are good at pointing out their spouse's fault, especially after an affair. They may often rake up the past to show their unhappiness. Sometimes, the couples will end up quarrelling and fighting again. It is common that the non-cheating partner may turn controlled, paranoid, resentful or even disrespectful at certain time because they may have that kind of mentality that "hey, you were the one who started the affair first." Do you want to stay like this forever or rather you want to have a lovely marriage where your spouse may just tell you what he is going to do next?

If both of you have made a decision to rebuild the marriage, you should learn how to respect your spouse after an affair. This will help to make their heart faithful and also happiness in the marriage. Of course, you will need some time and patience to overcome your pain. So, you should come out with a plan on how to respect your spouse.

Try to control your emotions. Try not to flare or cry as this will make you look very unattractive. If you want to gain respect from your spouse as well, you will need to know how to handle things in a mature way rather than just screaming and yelling when there is a problem. Instead of picking up on things that you do not like, do the opposite, learn how to compliment your spouse. Compliment is an encouragement and your spouse will love you more than before if you do that every day.

Communication is one of the ways to know how to respect your spouse after an affair. Discuss things together and ask your spouse what he or she would like you to do then. It can be anything from household chores, cooking or even sex, etc. An open discussion can make you understand each other needs better. When the needs are met, your partner will be happy and appreciative on what you have done. This will help to build the lost trust and heal the pain too.

Learn to be a good listener can also be one of the ways on how to respect your spouse after an affair. Trust me, your spouse can feel it if you are one good listener. Your spouse may start to tell you everything or maybe even things that you don't even really care but because you are one good listener and advisor to him or her, they just want to share with you on everything.

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A question that I often get on my blog is "how can I fix my marriage after an affair?" Sometimes, this question is from the spouse who has cheated, who deeply regrets it and who now wants to take action to fix the damage that their actions have caused. More often though, the request comes from a wife whose husband has cheated, but who now very much wants to move on and save the marriage, but isn't sure how. It's so common that, even if you have theoretically decided that you want to move forward, it's very difficult to do this because there are so many unresolved feelings of betrayal and devastation. So, I am writing this article for the wives who want to fix the marriage after the cheating, but who just can't or who just don't know how. (Although I will discuss the feelings of the cheating spouses who contact me as they are deeply remorseful and legitimately wanting to move forward as well, I am focusing more on the wives as this is where my personal experience lies.)

Don't Be Afraid To Express Your Real Feelings And What You Really Need To Heal: So many women hide their true feelings, even from those very close to them, and especially from their husbands. For whatever reason, many wives feel ashamed about the affair, as if their husband's choice was somehow their fault. (It's not!) They are so willing to shoulder at least some of the blame. Yes, affairs happen because a marriage is vulnerable. And yes, there are always contributing factors, but your husband made this choice. You did not.

It's perfectly OK and acceptable to feel extremely angry, betrayed, scared, and vulnerable, and you need to let these feelings out. Many women are afraid to share these dark or vulnerable places with their husbands for fear that it is going to push them further away or make them appear more undesirable.

But, here's the problem. If you don't set these feelings free, they are going to come back at some point. They will keep festering, just bubbling under the surface, and they will impede your healing. Even if you feel you can't tell your husband everything, at least journal your feelings and promise that you will remain open to discussing this with your husband in the future. You can express what you need to say without being spiteful or destructive and honestly, your husband will respect you more for having enough self respect to be honest.

When I dialog with many wives whose husbands have cheated, many of them will say something like "I just need him to reassure me, or let me know where he is. I'd like for him to call and check in and make time for me. I'd like for him to be honest, show remorse, and show me affection." And I'll usually answer, "well, then tell him," but the wives fear that placing demands will drive the husband further away.

Here's the truth. Husbands email me quite often and want to know exactly what they can do to fix the marriage after an affair. They want you to tell them. They desperately want to take concrete action. They aren't going to begrudge you for this. They know the affair is their fault. They'd rather you tell them what you need than their having to guess and fell hopeless. So, by all means, speak up.

You Eventually Need To Focus On What Is Right Rather Than What Is Wrong: Once you've made the decision to save your marriage, try to place the focus instead on creating new memories rather than remembering what went wrong with the affair. This often requires a change of scenery. Because often it's very hard for the wife to interact in the places or in the town that the affair took place. Restaurants will bring about anxiety if she wonders if her husband dined here with her. Sometimes, jobs have to be changed. This can be very inconvenient, but it is sometimes necessary. You can't really heal if the scab is being reopened every day - every time you have to be reminded of what happened. Nothing good can come out of either of you having to face or deal with the other woman on a regular basis.

Once you've eliminated the reminders, don't look back. Focus on creating what I like to call your "new normal." Focus on things that only the two of you have experienced together. You're trying to create better, exciting memories that are unique to just the two of you. You want new, fresh ways of being together that don't remind you of anything but the new reality you are creating.

Understand That Your Marriage Can Actually Be Better: Before my husband cheated on me, I used to think that those folks who claimed that an affair actually improved their marriages were delusional or were in denial. I now know that isn't the case. Very often, affairs very quickly draw your attention to vulnerabilities in your marriage. You no longer take things for granted or make assumptions. Many husbands learn, when their marriages are almost taken away, just how much they value them and would be lost without them. People learn to communicate better, listen more, and show affection freely. Intimacy can eventually become much more important and frequent.

Here is the real secret to fixing a marriage after an affair. If you can get both parties to a place where their experience in the marriage is better than ever, where they are regularly experiencing feelings of being loved, appreciated, and valued, they no longer worry about what happened yesterday. They are too busy being excited about today and tomorrow.

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Further Reading:

My Husband Made Me So Angry I Hit Him

Always Angry At My Spouse

Can A Separation Save My Marriage

My Husband Spends Money Without Telling Me

My Wife Says She Doesn't Feel Loved