OLD JOKES

The Confession

Try to read with an Irish accent. The story so far a young priest has been placed in a small southern village, his first job is to take confession.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, my son. Go out and say 3 Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Marys."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

AT THE GATES

Some years after the war a holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven and god asked him, Tell me did you tell jokes while in the death camps? Yes of course we told jokes. god asked him to tell a holocaust joke, so he did. god said that's not funny! The survivor said "Well I guess you had to be there"

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a Rabbit in Scotland.

THREE NUNS

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfil her fantasy.

The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"

Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went to Earth to fulfil her fantasy!

The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"

With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"

The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"

And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.

Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

It's always best to tell the truth

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Two Ladies playing golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken"...

The Rabbi Joke book

A man was summoned to the local Tax office regarding his end of year tax return, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're a pauper."

Then he asked his friend the same question, but got the opposite "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested a resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, 'Wear a long, heavy flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. The friend said, 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man protested, "But what does all this have to do with my problem with the Tax Office?"

The rabbi replied, "Your situation is the same. It doesn't matter what you wear. You're going to get screwed."

Joke two

A rabbi was talking to a 80 year old man and asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The rabbi considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a man who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The rabbi continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the rabbi queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The rabbi continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's what I'm getting at..." replied the rabbi

THE QUESTION

I was asked if I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead who would I choose?

I thought for a few seconds and answered " I would like them alive." Just the way my brain works.

Pinocchio

Pinocchio was walking down the street and he met his carpenter father . . . "how's things going?"

"Well . . ." said Pinocchio, "I'm a bit fed up . . . "

"Why?" says the Carpenter,

"Well it's the girls, they say I give them splinters when we make love"

"Oh!" says the carpenter, "..... ever thought of using sand paper"

"Good idea I'll try that!" replies Pinocchio.

Several days later they meet again.

How are things going with the girls says the carpenter

"Girls . . . . who needs girls!"

The meaning of life

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

Reminiscing before school girls

An Irish World War II pilot is reminiscing before a all girls school about his days in the air force as a fighter pilot. "back In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day we were protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these three fokkers appeared.

At this point, several of the girls started to giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realised that there was another fokker behind me."

At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle even more. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Focke-Wulf ' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company, a single-engine, single-seat fighter "

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt Me-109s."

THE IRISHMAN

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the fuck out of you if I could swim!'

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

NAVY JOKE

Note the word joke, first seen 10th September 1999.

This is the script of a radio conversation of a US. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 in thick fog.

American war ship: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

American war ship: This is the captain of a US. Navy ship - I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision..

American war ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

Canadians: This is a lightship. Your call."

Pink Joke Book

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class;" Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the School Governors, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Blue Joke Book

If you're easily offended DO NOT SCROLL DOWN

A woman is in hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.

The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtains around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

THE OLD ONES ARE BEST

I like the girls who do, I like the girls who don't but the girls that I like most of all and I think you will agree are the girls who say they won't but look as though they might.

You must of asked this question

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question.."

Did you hear of the Roman centurion who walked into a pub and ask for five beers while holding his fingers up. He was thrown out!

MIND OVER MATTER

Two brothers are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope.

The other is getting head from a 90 year old woman.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

What is it? DON'T LOOK DOWN