10/4/15 perception
suppose that all you knew about Robin Williams was that he ranked among the most successful comedians ever, and suppose you are not a psychiatrist biased with the perception that a lot of comedians are emotionally ill. what would be your perception of him? Then, how do you suppose your perception of this "highly successful" person would change when you learned that he killed himself, for reasons that possibly no one knows, including himself? individual human beings are driven by emotional motives and influenced by circumstances in immeasurable ways which render the outcome of their conscious intentions unfathomable. but people are afraid of not knowing. so they invent knowledge.
a lot of my articles are about human prejudice and assumption. knowledge and intelligence in general are among the targets. human beings invented the concept of intelligence, said it was good, and declared themselves uniquely good in this way.
human beings are rapidly destroying their own ecosystem, but in disregard of this many of the supposedly most intelligent people devote their lives to developing new technologies which will contribute to this destruction! It's time we find something healthier than "intelligence" and start rewarding the people who possess that something.
9/24/15
if you tilt your tablet about 10 degrees and cross your eyes so the i and the f collide and diverge you can see the word if.
September 20, 2015
Can you believe that I miss a person that I only knew for 10 hours? what is missing? this feeling is a longing to experience again, which is the opposite of the lesson I learned from her. I never in my life encountered a person more free, more truly free and unencumbered. Already 4 weeks have passed since I met her, and I still think about her. it's not love, it's not a sexual attraction, its not anything like that. This is related to 6 questions which focus your attention to know who you are and to explore your deeper self. One of the questions was who do you admire? This woman that I met and new for only 10 hours total, is near the top of the list, but for strange reasons that are difficult to explain. Completely aside from the story that she told me about her life, and even if I deleted every word she said during that 10 hours, my feeling would be the same, one of simple amazement and admiration. She goes through life with a kind of freedom that I used to dream of achieving. a dream i seem to have lost. this is something I worked on for many years.
this person also answers another of the six questions, which is, what will you do if you are not afraid of anything? she answers that question, but I doubt she ever thought of such a preponderance, because if she had it might stop her flow. the answer for me came because I have never seen first hand up close and personal another human being who does this. the answer is to feel a pull from a source that intrigues me and simply follow it. for me it means walking around with nothing but the clothes I'm wearing and following the simplest instincts from one to the next. it might be a butterfly that leads me to the jaws of a crocodile! I might go hungry for a week. I might find $40 laying on the road as I did a few weeks ago and use it to buy a new shirt and throw away the old one. if someone asked me where is your family? I might cry freely as she did, and then quickly become excited about a flock of birds playing in a tree.
even unconsciously I've pursued this kind of free spirit all my life. But this meeting a few weeks ago brought it to my consciousness because I was beginning to feel dead creatively. And I had no answers for these six important questions. these questions are important to me because I cannot answer them or I could not. now I have some answers.
my teachers come in forms that I don't recognize immediately. and they vanish suddenly. that is part of the same lesson.
September ? maybe 13th? 2015
I'm almost empty. I taped a big piece of paper to the wall as if I would draw a picture, as I've done many times. I see images in my mind, but none inspire me enough to lift a pencil. I have a favorite movie, "the English patient." because I am devoid of motivation I can watch that movie again and again. nothing interests me.
I learned khmer language while working as a volunteer in several Cambodian villages. but in the schools they don't allow teachers to use khmer language to explain about english. it reminds me of usa history when native Americans were forced to speak English. now I cannot pretend that I can read and speak the language of the country where I live. and all my friends agree that Cambodian people hate when a foreigner can "listen" to them. it was my intention to improve education and now I am limited to private tutoring because a broken educational system yields to a dictatorship. what a waste.
alone in my room, I really have nothing of interest. a heavy rain pours outside and I remember a time when I felt trapped in my parents' house with a feeling of nothing to do. boredom.
I know there is something to do. I just don't know how to get there.
my last big adventure of my life was my volunteer work with the kids in the villages. I wonder if there will be anything else for me, or if I am finished. I think of suicide a lot. I feel that it's an option. but I don't want to upset people who care about me. it's absurd to worry about what happens after you're dead. you can see that people go on with business as usual after someone dies. according to the Worldometer, more than 122,500 people have already died today but it doesn't seem to affect the people laughing and playing at the BBQ outside my house.
one reason that I am alone in my apartment is that I really can't stand most people. I met a woman today that I've known for four years. she always smiles and promises to contact me and never does. I wonder if she saw a video of herself that she might be surprised at her own fraudulent, disingenuous behavior. but I also know that most people endure this type of social behavior with a smile and that's why they have a social life and I don't.
so I'm down to basic urges. that's about all I have. I have a free ticket to anywhere I want to go on Korean Airlines but there's nowhere I want to go, and this may be the result of already traveling too much. I feel hungry and I often eat the same omelet sandwich three meals in a row. but i do eat. I still brush my teeth but I've almost quit flossing. I have a very sparkling new apartment with shiny tiled floor and I keep it extremely clean, so there must be some energy in here reserved for ocd. because a suicidal person certainly does not need to obsess about a tidy apartment.
this journal entry started because I taped a piece of paper to the wall and had no idea what to draw. I sat down to Google "happy pictures" and wrote this instead. now i'm hungry. time for an omelet sandwich. it reminds me of an old rap by mc solaar.
what a pointless day. September 17, 2015