comparisons are revealing, even enlightening. the way you frame a question, the frame of reference, can illuminate a dark room in your mental house or sail over potholed road. example.
"what happens after we die?" or what's the afterlife like? these are better than asking what happens after you commit suicide.
although essentially the same question, potential responses differ like reactions between fans at a football game and "fans" at a chess tournament.
i would answer like this:
"do you have any memories from before you were born?"
i think the afterlife is going to be very similar to the beforelife. but people rarely discuss the beforelife and google underlines that word in red as a spelling error to prove it to me as i am writing.
our experience of living is mostly the collection of what we sensed, visually, audibly (and remember that neurologists say we have about 20 senses now - proprioception, and even circadian rhythm is a "sense" now). after a few years of experience, that is a lot of imagery and connection to the universe.
i have a fantasy which would ease the confusion and emotional turmoil of my current suicidal state. my friend L suddenly looks very serious and asks, "do you want to commit suicide?"
i exhale, grunt, chuckle and snort simultaneously in relief, because they said the password that brings light and fresh air into a secret room which has been dull for months. a thinktank of 1 craving new ideas.
"yes! of course. and there has been this thin invisible yet impenetrable membrane preventing me from talking about this subject. "why do you ask?"
"because i want to do it, but i don't know how. do you know how to do it?"
"yes!" and i get excited but i am trying to not to act crazy. but i feel like it's christmas morning and i am about to receive a cute purple bike i wanted all year.
until about a week ago, i felt like i was the only person who felt like this. but suddenly i hit on this statistic that 3000 people attempt suicide every day in the usa and 130 succeed. then i realized i am not alone. but my astonishment at the rarity of online discussion on the subject was irrigated and grew more leaves. i have thought it must be there but i don't know how to find it. google is just big brother of censorship and smacks me with hotline numbers and "somebody cares about you" automated bs.
tension has built up over the past three months, when i realized that we suicide people are walking among the non suicide people fearing that someone will detect our intentions and administer help or intervene with a prevention.
anyway, as i wrote above, it was just a fantasy. a fantasy serves a purpose of dramatizing what i really want and highlighting the thwarting obstacles. but by way of my fantasy i also realized that this is why people do a "pact." it's a eureka moment when a vexing problem suddenly has a clear solution.
doing suicide alone in a vacuum of private secret thoughts is like cooking lunch on a sailboat at sea in a hurricane. i realize how much we depend on discussing things with other people before doing things. i've always thought that i was independent. but in this pursuit i have little confidence and much fear.
and maybe i should not be surprised but i am: that jumping from my 12th floor balcony is an idea which causes bodyfreeze - which is a physical manifestation of fear that i've never experienced before. as a result of that, i wondered how much great the pain and fear of living must be for those who did actually jump. because they overcame the bodyfreeze and actually jumped. wow.
bodyfreeze forced me through a thoughtgrinder and that was when i started researching "painless" methods.
but those painless methods are 100% censored and removed from google search results. there are even research articles which admonish other research authors from including method details. and this brings me to another comparison: compare news articles about accidental death with intentional death.
i quickly discovered that the only way to get useful info about charcoal burning suicide was to read articles in the news about accidental deaths from bbq grills, such as cases where people moved the grill indoors for heating a cold house. it sounds cozy. and you realize while you cooking that the coals reach a point where they're not smoking anymore. and maybe you're a bit tipsy from libations, and forget that those coals are creating carbon monoxide. and how it's almost like having a fireplace.
or maybe it wasn't an accident. because i just read an article by a person who tried to make "their" suicide look like an accident so their friends and family would not blame themselves. and now people are going to think that i am gay because i used their instead of his. and i do love gay and gender-anon people, so their! random tangent.
at this moment in my voyage i am persuaded that censoring the info and avoiding open discussion of both causes and methods of suicide adds to the isolation misery that people feel leading up the the point of committing the act. but fear is what drives society. think of how many millions of hours people have wasted at tsa security because of the fear of box cutters.
i may be repeating something from another entry here. but this is a personal journal and i've never heard from one person who read one of my entries so i doubt anyone will object...
when the nazi death camp survivor visited sobibor 50 years after, he asked, "why did god spare me?"
my reaction was, god spared those who died.