memento

4-22-17

here is my savings account of happy memories. creation of this list is progress toward living a more uplifting life. my plan is to focus more on positive ideas and use them to crowd out the negative ones. it's an experiment. three years ago this site was packed with unfortunate stories from cambodia. there was progress in letting go of those stories and deleting those pages. between then and now there was a lot of struggle and strongle. i managed to stop the diazepam, and begin to look for constructive avenues. i spent three months with doug in georgia, and there may eventually be 100 entries here about that, such as 100 cornbread dinners at the cottage, doug's episcopal church in greensboro (post episcopal pizza), laundry day - which was stressful for him but which became a monument of laughter since, the swagway, dinner with walt and amy, sealing walt's duct and forgetting to unseal it, a picnic on the governor's lawn, a choral concert, bike and hike in selma irwin, dinners with jason at cottage and lake house, a palestrina lecture on a bed sheet used a projector screen, the kitchen enter the circle, smoking an apple, cis gen priv lectures, measuring some art work, equipment in the car, and finally goodbye at the atlanta airport. following entries are to be tossed in randomly and no concern about date or chronology is permitted. just a word about this list and meditation. i found that having constructive concepts to focus on during breathing meditation prevents distraction. i've developed several tactics for staying focused. hopefully this will be one too.

a nice surprise was the visit to chisor mountain, where there is an ancient temple near the top of the mountain, friendly people - a nice woman in particular who cooked for us. a good hike up a long stairway, a nice older man who tends the modern temple, an interesting inscription in one of the kleang doors, and best of all a view of distant fields east from the high door. a nice sunset, a sweet veranda on the highest house with a view east and west. i had no expectations, and it was just a two day escape, and it turned out to be a lovely place. a happy memory. and there is another mention of chisor below.

i want to mention all the laughter in the "white box" but it was ephemeral and difficult to capture in words. it was the curious chemistry of two people thrown together sort of randomly. but it was like a happy magic that occurs rarely. hans causes me to have weird and funny thoughts. we had a little episode online and here are some examples ... hans may have a sinus thing coz'd by pollen, and it made me wonder "what if people pollinated each other! you don't even touch or have sex, you just shoot out some pollen and then a few days later a woman down the street has your baby! hans and valerie rented out their house and now they have to camp out on the roof. and hans is a "drowning expert" because i told him that the netipot process is the same experience as drowning. see? it's just a chemistry thing that can't be captured or reproduced. but it's one of the best things in life. valerie hits cars on top like me? they're having a shotgun wedding for the illegal alien.

chantheoun trying to say my name and all the lauging... mo'uch! mow'utch! laugh for a week. she called me to meet at the wat and walk in the parade and carry a candle every night for a week. finally i visited her family home in preahveang and her parents were mad because i might have tried to hug her. her little sister made me sing khmer songs on the motto.

one of my trips to coconut mountain i found a man flying a kite he made with a 10 meter long tail and little gadgets that made a sort o musical sound. klaingeik. he told me to go get my money and he would sell me a piece of land. $40 per square meter. i asked to buy two meters that would be enough to lay down, and if there were two trees i could hang my hammock there. total price $80 perfect for my budget. and i told the kids the eik called the ghhosts from the sea and they laughed like crazy.

one of the most exciting things was night ski at shasta, because of the moments when everything was frozen over and the whole world looked like crystals in the lights. and the lift chair ride was amazingly beautiful and flying down the slopes and stopping to look at the stars from that lofty mountain.

pure fun could be achieved by going into the old chapel at uga during the day and unlocking a window. then i could climb in at midnight and play the huge yamaha grand piano on the stage. it was the best piano on campus that i knew. the odd outdoor entries to the stairs up to the balconies were often left unlocked i suppose because no one imagined that i could climb over the rails and slide down the pillars inside the chapel. one night in particular the cleaning staff sat on the front row and listened to me playing. i also enjoyed many quartets and recitals there on a friday night.

numerous days and evenings wheel throwing and building sculptures. although it was an obsession i loved it and there were many fun and enjoyable moments. raku night, taking a volcanic chunk out of the kiln and plunging it into straw and other combustibles to get thoze crazy effects in the glaze! wow. and heather fearnbach was there some nights. she was more disturbed than me i think (and here is another cemetery story late night under a huge oak tree, quite a surprise). once when warren took our pieces out da kiln she was having a fit and later that night i walked down in front of her house and she was sitting on the roof outside her bedroom window throwing her pots into the road where they exploded. i must say that was fun and i threw a few myself, but i hesitate to say this was fun because it seems like the cost of that fun was related to her madness and alcoholism. well, let's not think about that right now. i also got the 1st place jury prize for sculpture at the sawtooth center that year. it was the papawheadpawn chess set and even the board tiles were individually designed and fitted. mom bought it from me because i was as ever without money. now i think she still has it and that is another happy thing because most of my art was either lost or stolen.

holly androooo liked to toss a football at the old cemetery near uga. that was fun. we had many a laugh.

lawndale shopping center contained a little market-pharmacy combo in 1987 and i would occasionally obtain a bottle of red wine along my bike ride from ginga's house to fisher park. there were quite a few days sprawled out on a rock with my head near the water, listening to the trickle, gazing at the trees, reciting random verses from a shakespeare drama i got at the used bookstore, dreaming of flying to india. wonderful days.

amy taught me to dance the polka on the roof at reed hall one night. she was a modern dance major which was exotic enough for me. she took me to momix and pilobolus performances at dook u. there was a wood deck on the roof of the 4th floor then. and a curious chain link fence around the top. that polka was fun dancing, more like partner galloping really. we also visited her bro'n'law/sis randy/faith in hickory? and attempted to do some pilobolus maneuvers in their back yard. that was a 4th of july and we had a picnic at a fireworks area. all of that was quite fun indeed. amy boozer. wow. and i remember the light blue room and the lofty flowing curtains over the big glass door where she stayed at dook.

montarra point lighthouse was converted into a hostel some time before my long bike ride up the california coast. and i was extremely happy to spend the night there. riding north then, it was just before san fran, and there was a group of women on a retreat there doing watercolor painting and relaxing. and i was amazed that they installed a hot tub on a deck right under the lighthouse. i was pretty sore from a very long ride and i sat in the hot tub and watched the big light search across the water. when i arrived it was all new to me. and the desk person said there is a woman who needs a partner for the hot tub and would i like to join her? yes. that was fun. and then the woman hiked me down to the rocks and introduced me to inter-tidal creatures like the anemone with the flowing arms sort of luminescent green, and all this was new to me because i don't see much inter-tidal life on the east coast where i am from. pigeon point and point reyes were also lighthouses with nearby or attached hostels. i stayed at all of them and it was quite fun.

on the long california bike ride i stayed twice at bodega bay state park. one of the best experiences was climbing down the steep cliffs to a sea cave and exploring around inside the cave at low tide. i suddenly said a prayer that if i could find a shark's tooth i would keep it for a year and then return to that place and put it back in the cave. i was astonished to find a white shark's tooth under about 20 cm of water in mixed with some small pebbles. it was not quite 3 cm. i was surprised because on the east coast i only ever found black shark's teeth. at high tide that cave was loud and waves would crash into it and fill it with water briefly. a year or so later i was living in arcata and drove back there to keep my promise and return the shark's tooth to the cave. that was a bit difficult letting go it. but i know letting go is part of the experience of life.

mom and i played a thousand games of scrabble. that was always fun and we laughed a lot. even when i was in california for years we played. we set up an app called wordbiz on our computers so we could play online on the same board. we had unlimited minutes on the cell then, so we could talk and play at the same time. that's what i call a miracle, because otherwise we would only meet once per year. this gave us a lot of time to share stories and play at the same time. here is an example of the nice benefits of technology. 2005ish

one night i went visit barbara and there was a raccoon in her apartment. it looked large in her small apartment. this is a bit blurry in my memory, but somehow when we opened the cabinet door under the kitchen sink the raccoon ran in there like she knew the place. i think later we discovered that there was a hole in the walls of the cabinet which actually led to the crawlspace under the house! she apparently came in that way, maybe closed the door while running around, and then couldn't figure out how to return. 90s

i met with matt and his staff led by rina who were planning to quit. they were all very friendly and the problems were just a bit of misunderstanding. mathew is the perfectionist and shouts and slams things occasionally. the girls said they were not happy to work in that kind of situation. but mathew promised to change his demeanor and to smile at work. the girls gladly agreed to give him another chance. today i went by to discuss a schedule change and they were all laughing and happy even on a very hot day in the kitchen. another young man was waiting tables. he and the girls all said how they noticed that mathew changed his attitude. that was an accomplishment which made my khmer language skills worth the study. and i got the free lunch of couscous and veggies!

there was a nice hike around the piedmont nature trail with dad. and we hit golf balls at a public place one time.

cruise to mexico with wadeth's family. jet-ski with hawkins jumping waves and he turned white!

kawaii with wadeth's family. a pic of brendan and ? soing something crazy with apples at the boutique grocery. jumping from the cliff and swinging from the vine. the hike up pua-hany-hany-loko-kuku trail.

i really learned to snowboard at brody mountain near williamstown mass, which was a local place only 7 miles from my house where i was living with barbara ruby at that time. wednesday nights were night ski for cheap and i went quite often that winter. that also was the town where in the univ. library i discovered a books of short stories by david foster wallace i think inspired by hearing him chat on fresh air while painting that picture holly asked for but which was apparently stolen from the hut in arizona. and also one day when the snow was tall outside i read 1984 in a day and that was riveting. i could not put it down. and there were small american yew trees beside my patio and i nearly ate some of those berries but i know the seeds are poisonous and decided not to do it. there also i obtained cross-country skis and actually ski'd to town across the country and actually did ski across one frozen river which was exciting and stood my ski in a barrel at the door of the cafe. and that was where at a community garage sale i got my own first pair of downhill skis. all that was new and exciting and memorable. our condo thing was right at the base of an appalachian mountain and i occasionally headed up. there was much to explore. b ruby worked across the border in pownal vermont doing clinical trials of meds. we drove around new england quite a bit before settling on williamstown. i wonder if i can recall any of that trip.

ride on the robot cow to mill rice with sein and sarath's brother-in-law.

refocus on an event and emotions around it: they said that i saved the young man's life, the one who crashed his motorcycle along the road to chisor mountain. we heard from the people in his village two days later. it gave me a sense of purpose, the feeling that i can go out and make a positive difference in the world and actually do good things. but i think we forget about this kind of important event too quickly. i hope to keep in mind and heart the way i felt that week. i want to use the experience to remind me to get out and get involved. although we may go months without a life-changing event of that kind, we need to preserve the memory to keep faith!

when i started teaching in the village little kanya had a bad rash on her chest and it was infected because she scratched it all the time. i found a medicine called flucort-n and we tried it for two weeks. the rash healed and she and her family looked happy. i need to keep in mind and heart that their lives are so difficult that when one such problem is solved they just focus on the next problem. they don't dwell on gratitude as i am doing in this list of happy memories. empathy for their general situation is as important as finding solutions for those individual problems.

one of the happiest experiences is to rescue a wild animal, especially when too young to survive, raise it, and then introduce it to other wild ones. i found a blue jay baby hatchling or scrub on the sidewalk, fell out da nest too young, could not fly. i brought it home and kept it in a box in the window shaded by a dogwood tree. as it grew strong other blue jays would sit in the dogwood and the my little one called "pooter" would watch them. when pooter was ready to fly i took her outside and she mostly stayed in that dogwood. some days i would come out with some food and she would come and sit on my hand. days past and she would get farther away with the other jays and return rarely. then not at all. but i saw her sitting with the other jays. she had a funny shape to her feathers which i could spot instantly.

i remember the first time i saw someone riding waves in a surfing kayak, a playboat about six feet in length, at the mouth of the big river under the cliffs of the little town of medocino. it was amazing and i wanted to learn and do it immediately. when i returned to arcata and wadeth was traveling, i went to the outfitter and bought a used piranha, took it to trinidad beach, immediately flipped, and nearly drowned because i sealed the skirt with the hand pull loop inside the boat! i was doing a pushup on the sand to get my head out of the water. then i pulled my hips out through the top of the skirt. i was hooked. i would kayak surf for the next six years. sometimes four or five times per week. larger and crazier waves. and i remember taking that boat back to the place i first saw kayak surfing, and i remember my first very long ride was at that place. it was perfect and it seemed to last forever. i loved it. i never found anything like that since then. awesome is the word.

we used to take watercolors and sketch pads to the marina at eureka, and to the cliffs at trinidad and paint pictures and wonder how those expert watercolorists seemed to do magic, and we finally discovered books explaining that the magic is in the use of white space, unpainted areas of high contrast. we would bring picnics to one high place on the cliff the one with the fence and spread out there for several hours. what a beautiful place when the sun was shining.

i became good at rollerblading and really enjoyed skating with music around the hsu campus and the marina where there were vast paved areas and ramps to ride on. that was great.