Learning to Breathe

A Holocaust survivor exclaimed, "Why did God spare me!?" As he walked through the ruins of the Nazi death camp. But I think God spared the people who died. My reasoning is not standard reasoning, and I should explain. With respect, I claim that we should evaluate our assumptions that surviving a horror is a good thing. As i study the Holocaust, I developed the attitude that people who died relatively quick deaths, such as those who were shot, were spared from suffering months of starvation and disease and emotional torture.

I know people who survived the genocide in Cambodia. I know a LOT of them because I roamed around Cambodia for seven years, learned Khmer, and interviewed a lot of people. The killers feel guilty or they're in denial and often drunk, and the survivors feel survivor's guilt. killers and victims live in the same village today. The memory of that horror plagues them all everyday. I do not say this easily or sarcastically, but after many years of studying this problem, it appears to me that those who died rather suddenly in a gas chamber or shot, those people were spared many years of emotional suffering, both during the genocide and for many years after.

Whether or not that proposition is reasonable, I would like to discuss it with someone. But honest and accurate communication is the complex challenge at the next level. Individual people don't want to reveal their secrets. During interviews, after interviewing hundreds of people, I have the intuition that parts of stories are missing. But, what he's afraid to tell, she tells, and vice versa, and her story completes his, and that's why interviewing a LOT of people eventually fills in most of the missing pieces.

There are many taboo topics like this, including suicide, and because of social rules we languish in guessing games. Even sex is taboo for many.

a LOT of why people do things is just plain ignorance. a lot of khmer people believed this hoax that the world is going to be dark for three days. that story circulated in social media my third year in siem reap. someone borrowed a NASA webpage and added the story that the world will be dark. my students urged me to do some panic buying at the market. by then i knew that there's no point arguing. fear and ignorance are far greater armies than intelligence.

[speaking of taboo subjects, i have an example to discuss here]

dad and his friends used to joke at their club and the joke goes like this: "i need to die when i am 85." the joke means that the man has a retirement plan which will pay for his current lifestyle and expenses until he is 85. it means that he spends more than the dividends from investments and pension. implied in the joke is that the man doesn't want to live at a lower standard of living. doing so would extend the life time. i'm talking about friends at a golf club who live very similar lifestyles. i don't have a standard retirement plan as such, and so my dad naturally worries about me.

recently i have a joke of my own, which i think is similar to the men at the club. i say that i do have a retirement plan, but i can't share the details because social rules don't permit us to discuss intentional death openly. my retirement, like the men at the club, imagines an ideal time to wrap up this program. like dad's friends i also don't have an exact date and time to write the end of the chapter, only an approximate one. my retirement plan is simpler in many aspects. but lately i am realizing it's more difficult in one particular regard: intentional death (which is what their retirement plan also alludes to jokingly) is contrary to our survival instincts, or our will to overcome threats. it's not easy. planning to end life is scary. it requires an action which we are hard-wired to avoid.

i have already experimented with several methods. setting up a closed breathing apparatus to replace oxygen with a light gas, for example. i have discovered that my reflexes oppose what i am doing. however, it's important to note that the decision to follow through with a plan is often difficult. most of our plans involved the avoidance of a future problem which is very likely to occur. there are additional considerations in my case.

i really enjoyed snowboarding and surfing. now that i am 59 i can see the end of that type of activity is near. i don't want to live without that kind of adventure. papaw lived ot 87 and that's another 28 years! i have discovered, thanks to the covid-19 lockdown in borneo where i now live, what it will be like to be immobilized for the most part. i've already lived this way for over a year now and i don't want to continue much longer. i want to mention that i have thought about this retirement plan since i was middle 20s....

i thought 30 years ago that i will naturally develop hobbies such as reading khmer and sanskrit, painting watercolors, doing research and writing. and it's true, i have done all these things. but there is not enough of what i call LIFE and LIVING in those activities to feel satisfied. even though my physical adventures now reduced mostly to hiking up river and swimming, i cannot totally let go of the desire to get out and explore. so now i am thinking about a forthcoming moment at which to "Retire."

the moment is nigh. one may wish to enjoy life up to an optimal point, but avoid passing a rubicon after which the capability to terminate is lost. the time is near at hand. because i have enjoyed jumping from the rocks into the pools at kionsom and i have wondered, do i need to do that again? it's enjoyable, but i feel that i have done enough. this chapter is ready to be closed, and i am simply hanging around near the door, wondering if i will have an alternative idea. which leads me to another point: my creativity is severely diminished now, and i am not sure why. but that is another thing i don't want to live without!

that's the point i made to myself while shaving in the shower today june 14 2021 borneo, peak SOHO.

[end of my taboo topic]

today i'm in borneo, sabah, kota kinabalu, and here again the world of people is a farce of fear and panic. late last year i had hope for the vaccine. but now the vaccine is here and people are at least as afraid of the vaccine as they are of the virus.

at the grocery across the street they spray my feet every time i go through the door. i say, "it's a respiratory virus; it does not spread by surface contact.

I care about you and I only want say that I'm concerned. There was an abrupt shift from our usual fun. And I hope to keep connected with you. If there's any way I can help let me know.

In my life, I realized again and again that most problems I had to face them alone. That was the realization that life is a lonely experience, made worse by being surrounded by people who you might think would empathize, but they don't.

I also used to wonder why... if a million people died in a Nazi gas chamber... Why can't I feel something the way I hear thunder.

And again concluded, all that pain but no signal, we are alone in this respect.

But I still reach out. As if by trying I could talk to dolphins and say sorry we're ruining the ocean with micro plastics.