gratifying

a gratifying proof of full rehabilitation

by myselves: mark moore

at 2 pm the Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth-of-The-Month focused his or her attention upon the slot in the upper middle cell door with the intention of seizing the box of "afternoon snack" inserted at this moment each day, whipping it out of the slot before the slot cover slid shut, and viewing the entity that inserted the box (which always closed slot abruptly, thwarting viewing each time in a mechanical manner,) for the reason that, the insertor's anonymity aroused the curiosity of the deeetaineee. the anticipated moment arrived, and the cover slid away, but the box fully filled the slot such that not a slice of light came in around its edges. the Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth-of-The-Month snatched the box and whisked it away. a rictus of fracus froze across the the Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth-of-The-Month, and likewise the various orifices of the slot-alien knotted up in surprise. the slot cover then slid shut and there was no motion on either side of the cell door, as each entity listened with horror, awaiting the beginning of screaming and mahem. but all was silence and calm.

a label on the box listed the contents as: "snack.” as the Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month examined the snack box, a document sealed in a large manila envelope suddenly arrived through the document slot on the door of his or her "dormitory room" door (the most door-like part of the door – the part that distinguishes a door from a random slab.) and this apparently came from the "Attendant" whose squinted taut sm(ile/irk) framed by the narrow vertical slot was geometrically spooky. the document announced a full day of unsupervised freedom away from the "Campus." The award was stapled to a set of thirty seven supporting documents with eightythreesomeodd small lines for indicating compliance by initialing, and one BIGsize signature line for indicating irrevocable indoctrination.

A page listed "Incentives" to promote compliance, such as a titanium locking anklet position transmitter and a pager ("not to be pawned/hocked"), the empty afternoon snack box was then inserted in the slot labeled “waste,” on the wall, and a faint diminishing sound could be heard but not listened to, as the box slid away into the quagmire of “waste.”

Forthwith, there appeared a peanut butter sm(udge/ear) which concealed and smothered the staple on the first page. the Youth-of-the-Month removed, polished, and fashioned this staple into an extraordinarily small weapon which could inflict mortal wounds within the boundaries of specific circumstances and with the cooperation of the attackeeeee³.

some time before, the Youth of the Month appeared before a juj.

The judge with the undulating jowls blurbyoolated a lobyoolobba-flobba-hurggle-heaver from within the formal floppy floundering lobes and robes: "Three consecutive three-month terms of suspended freedom from selph-harm and the restraint from perpetration of non good upon the people of our nevertheless rotten community. To be remanded to the Campus at Hunkerdown-Swelterpot Valley, until the satisfactory completion thereof, notwithstanding a gratifying proof of full rehabilitation theretofore ...or otherwise deemed null...blah lubble obyaloobya bluhhhh. Herein Fail Not!" And that is how The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month arrived at the position of BEING incarcerated approximately one while ago, following the hearing following the doing of indescribable inauspicious deeds which he or she recently theretofore had perpetrated on the nervous and fearful townspeople of Hunkerdown-Swelterpot Valley.

The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month appeared at the front desk for release, and asked to borrow a stapler because her or his compliance documents had become mysteriously unstapled. when the desk attendant answered a phone call the stapler hopped into The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month's pants pocket.

meanwhile the sheriff ate a blue donut.

following the series of giant orange arrows painted on the floor, The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month made his or her way toward the main entrance. He or she received a laminated ID card from an Attendant in the lobby. The Indication of Race on the ID card read: "Other". The indication of Sex on the ID card read: "A". The correct card could not be manufactured in time for the scheduled award day, and so the card of the original winner (who abruptly became dead after winning) was assigned, even though it contained the wrong name, because it contained the Swelterpot Campus's's's phone number in case of emergency (who?) The Attendant then inserted a key into a box on the wall and an unpleasant buzz heralded the clanking of the unlocking of the deadbolt of the door (of the building), and not that of a random door-like slab.

Whereupon he or she stepped out onto the concrete landing between the concrete pillars lining the concrete stairway leading to the concrete SPLUDGE.

The vary same juj announced at a press conference his initiative to brighten the unsavory nomenclature of our rehabilitative institutions. Which is how the previous "Federal Youth At Risk Center's Detainment Facility For Adolescent Criminal Corrections And Intensive Wherewithal" became renamed the “The Build-Bright Campus at Hunkerdown-Swelterpot Valley.” And which is how elected officials seeking reelection achieve BEING perceived as favored in polls and therefore effectively liked by a smoldering wretched heaving conglomeration of peoplepellets.

(pertaining to the spurious releaseeee) somehow there was a bus schedule in his or her pocket and a watch on his or her wrist (which spoke to the anklet in silky whispery romantic beeptones) and somehow he or she found her/himselph riding a bus (as if transplanted invivo) toward the site of one prior inauspicious deedlet, that site BEING “Friendly Shopping Center,” but why, sprucely adorned with institutional variety handsome attire-on-loan, The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month entered the "Harris Teeter" grocery store and selected a shopping cart with a noisy malfunctioningly wobblesome wheelfulness the gnaaaaarving of which radiated through the full metal cart and which massaged his or her handz and clanked and staltered and made the dragging noise of rubber against lanoleeyum (which we will refer to more simply hereafter as “gnarving,”) did any of this occur? it seemed like destiny. a redundant destiny. one of passing through the portal only swipe the port, again, and perhaps again. the gnarving cart was just the right affrontaflage because in this town if you are doing anything embarrassing people will politely try not to look at you for fear of feeling embarrassed for you. thusfully, The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month strolled gnarvingly down the dawgfood isle and selected the fattest pulsatingest bag of dawgchow in the store and placed it in the cart.

(albeit) The sheriff launched the "Grant" award program in response to a child at the Campus BEING abused by an "Attendant," a campus employee whose position's full official title is "Attendant," as a result of the Judge's initiative, but does not cause "buy-in" in spite of numerous “leave-behinds,” among the employees who found a niche where they are officially sanctioned to vent gestures for which they themselves would otherwise be incarcerated, all of which came out in the paper and embarrassed everyone and his or her brother or sister, and made everyone quite nervous and dyscomfortable. but since the sheriff too seeks reelectedness, and seeks BEING favored and wants to be somehow effectively "liked" by our neatly landscaped but nevertheless rotten community, he or she sought to combat the reputation of his or her medieval child criminal institution's alien slot attendants.

and owing to these competing selph-aggrandizement strategies, more complexity was ultimately discovered to BE forthcoming at that juncture. ibid

Then with the flick of the wrist and the pinching of a pacinian corpuscle while spryly gnarving over to the wine and beer isle (no hard liquor is sold in grocery stores in Nowurth Cayroliiinuh) he or she whipped off the tab and opened the poopydawgchow bag. The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month then immediately but calmly stuffed three bottles of fine port into the dawgfood quite adroitly mashing the bottles down neckwise into the dry brown chunks, which inadvertently served as packing peanuts.

Another shopper then turned the corner whose eyes quickly darted up to the ceiling because of the embarrassing gnarving sound, but even while politely turning a blind eyeball she was nevertheless embarrassed for the unlucky fellowgoodchurchgoingshopper with the loud bad cart. During which time The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month removed the stapler from his or her pocketpants and just blatantly stapled the dawgfood bag shut in full view of security cameras (operated by embarrassed security officials intentionally looking away from their monitors). And then gnarved right up to the cashier stand and hoisted the bag up on the conveyor belt and whipped out the envelope of spendingmoney included in the manila envelope with the compliance documents. But as he or she extended a ten dollar note toward the cashier with a protuberating hollusk bulging with prehensile featurelettes, the cashier looked at the stapled top of the bag with concern, tilted his or her head with body language exuding mixed empathy and crazed inappropriate sexual desire for The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month's handsome hollusk, and in embarrassment and said, "Hun, this bag is tore up. Don'choo wont me t'gechoo another'n? they'z plenee back'ere.”

"un-unh," (which means “no” in southern.) said The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month who disembaaarqued from the grocery store forthwith.

The previous afternoon the corpulent flagrantly vicissitudinous juj had nullified the aforeblurbyoolated award program as an emergency measure owing to a triple murder in the area the previous month rumorously attributed to the previous award recipient, but the documents did not reach the temporarily appropriate administrator at the Swelterpot Campus until a moment after The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month's stapler theft and release onto the concrete, owing to one of the nuances of official bureaucratic activities which is the incapacity after 5 pm of any management level administrator in any orifice to motivate any administrator to maintain the will to pretend to care about anything whatsonever.

When the Nullification Order arrived in the interdepartmental mail, one set of eyeballs in the orifice darted back and forth but only with the purpose to determine whether or not any other sets of eyeballs were darting back and forth, and not because of any desire to care or process the Nullification or worry that this Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month just released was also The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month last month too, and that this might not be a coincidence.

equation:

fear + sloth = inactivity (no diagram); sloth and fear are good crump-flumpners.

The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month immediately began to drink the port (in public, from an open container, because of dire thirst, not to mention disregard for the health and wealth of our financially robust but nevertheless rotten community,) with the aim to achieve SWASH-WHACKLING BLOGGER-DOODLEMENT.

furthermore, since the administrators did not inform the police about the program at all, since the program was slated to BE canceled after two experimental months, there was no police "buy-in," nor were there any “leave-behinds” drifting around the station, which is not to imply that any policeman ever read any leave-behind. willynilly

Just wandering down a random residential street lined with "homes" the gurgling-fountain-of-port-mouthed Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month melted down onto the curb in front of a fully manicured residence. At that instant, the garage door of the residence activated and slid open revealing the gigantic steel deep-humming Cadillac of Dr. Milbert Pilthage, a celebrated and honored Phlubupthemotologonotrist who was contained within the vee-hickle which was already lurching backward before the opening door began closing again the instant the top of the car cleared the bottom of the door, and with such rhythm and precision that observing aliens documented the occurrence as absolute proof of the theretofore legendary "humanoid redundancy and inertia disease" (hrid). But Dr. Pilthage's Cadillac jerked to a halt and Pilthage's head cocked back and chin pressed against the tinted driversidewindow and left eyeball nearly made contact with the windowglass, and moreover, one hair on the eyebrow above the right eye raised up in a rigid arced piloerection, as Pilthage viewed, with knee-quirk suspicion, awe, disdain, surprise, and projected embarrassment, The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month, sprawling naked and drunk on the edge of his otherwise precision-landscaped lawn, flattening otherwise crisp vertical blades of kentuckeee fescue, and de-aerorating the soil.

The subject of The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month BEING The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month for the second consecutive month escaped official notice because, as mentioned, since the program was only slated for two months no process was implemented for restricting candidates to one win.

a slot alien was suddenly summoned back to his planet of origin for reasons of a birth in the family, and the need of a new spewer.

The gargage door was an inch from the concrete when it reversed direction again and the carcophagous received light and the thick steel gollythruster slid back into its keep and the door, just an inch from the top of the car began to close for the second full cycle.

Pilthage-in-clothes went in the house and shouted at his wife that there was a person rolling around naked in front of their otherwise perfectly appointed residence. She gasped.

(ensuing dialogue of generic married couple:)

"What should we do?"

"If someone drives by our house we will be [significantly] embarrassed."

"Should I call the police?"

"That will take too long, and be embarrassing."

"Someone will drive by and we will be embarrassed."

"Go out and offer him or her five hundred dollars to go sit in front of the Jacob-willy's house."

"No. You go. And BE firm."

[who says what in a marriage situation is irrelevant, according to alien analysis. the characters' statements can be reversed without affecting the outcome.]

"No. You go and take some jewelry and a vcr and a bottle of vodka along with the cash so that you will have some potentially desirable booty in case the person wants to mug or kill you."

Suddenly the (naked drunk) Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month appeared in the living room with the two floundering fearful townpeople. He or she suddenly took him or her by the throat and launched a strang-you-lay-shun module.

He or she had apparently grabbed the rear bumper of the car when Pilthage reflexed back into his carcophagus, and came fluuvuxing into the carcoughagus without the written consent of Dr. Pilthage Webage, and with his bare naked birthday suit dragging along the semismooth concrete making a eerie skin-peeling sound known to the slot aliens as fluuvuxing. The marrieds were banefully grotesqued by the bloodythirtsy thwartage of him or her.

Their only thoughts were about blood dripping on the expensive rug¹. but no one had been stabbed yet, and stabbing did not seem m&m-inent so the bloodstain paranoia was vacated.

[other random events came to pass and other semi-random somewhat germane personages appeared to partake in the trauma and embarrassment, including aliens.]

Le Dénouement:

IT was an awkward embarrassing moment for everyone:

The Sheriff the judge and The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month stood on the curb side-by-sideways nervous and fearful and The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month kicked the judge in the side of his toookus. but a little energy nugget shot out of the tubby little alien's krubyolet and burnt the right thumbnail off of The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month (no, he had only one,) which resulted in a loud cry of pain. The three were BEING reviewed by a panel of amorphous creatures (ostensibly from space) who had already indicated to the humans that they should be still and quiet while BEING studied. one of the aliens was rectangular and suspiciously similar in size to the slot on the door-like slab of his cell, thought the Youth-at-Risk.

in facto, IT turns out the part of him or her that was framed in the slot was his or her entire body! yuk.

The stolen stapler was hopping around in the yard behind the three, escaped from

the sock pocket of The Federal Youth At Risk Center's Youth of The Month. it had a bad feeling about what was to come.

whereupon, the Youth-at-Risk unsheathed a tiny sliver of metal with a dangerously sharp tip and began stabbing people. The problem at hand though was that coagulating agents in the humans appeared to be stopping the bleeding of the victims before they could bleed enough to become dead. no aliens became stabbing victims that fine day. They simply increased their hovering altitude to observe the mahem from a safe distance. they took notes and relayed them to their home planet. then they departed for Xrax, another planet with humanoids scheduled for observation.

fin

the empty set

pseudojakhandyfootnotes:

1. if “buy a bottle of chocolate syrup” is at the top of your priorities list, i think you need to do some soul searching; it seems like you have totally neglected to consider the ice cream to pour it on (unless you are planning to drink syrup, which, come to think about it, is not a bad idea. ok, i get it. never mind.)
2. probably one of the most dangerous things that can happen to a guy is that he is on the point of starvation and someone walks up and hands him one of those wax models of a hamburger they use for advertisements.
3. the pen is mightier than the sword, provided that your opponent will hold still while you stab him in the neck 10 or 12 times with the pen.