my meditation

june 20, 2019

meditation for me began when i discovered that i was very often not breathing smoothly.

my breathing was like i was afraid of something. the day i noticed this first i was in kampot walking by the river. everything was fine but i had a sinking feeling in my chest which was typical of a feeling i described as depression.

physically i was in a state of fear. and my shortness of breath was the symptom which i noticed.

it came as a surprise that i could have had this breathing problem all my life and never noticed. i studied this and set a goal to watch my breathing for a full day.

i literally focused on breathing for an entire day. it was possible in part because it was that time you mentioned in your last email when i had fallen off the edge of the world and had nothing to do and did not know what to do. it turned out to be a miracle. i've heard it said that you have to reach rock bottom to find this self awareness and learn what is true.

cambodia was both hell and redemption to me; it was like drown or swim. now i am swimming.

the awareness grew incrementally after that day. i added the intentional smooth deep breathing to my walks around lotus pond each morning and evening. the next step was like arriving at the top of a mountain and seeing the view across all the mountains i could not climb previously.

this fear-like shortness of breath obstacle removed, i could focus better and for long periods, and i could maintain a plan through completion (relearn my skill). i am breathing smoothly as i write this, and it is like the oxygen i breathed for the first time in kampot. it's a continuity threaded through all my day and night (and i no longer have those night terrors).

i started reading and discovered that this type of meditation i do and the ideas which accompany the practice are very similar to tibetan buddhism (yongey mingyur's book "joy of living" seems like i read that first, but the fact i discovered all that on my own i think proves his principles of the calm mind are universal).

i want to mention that the seed of this was planted in my brain by hans in siem reap. it is a nice tradition that people remember with gratitude the seeds.

the next important step in my journey was the recognition that all experiences have equal potential for value. i specifically set the goal to reinterpret all my prior prejudicial ideas. the basis of this was the concept that all people have a valid point of view and there is no absolute truth. the basis of this is just compassion. we're all in a state of transition and becoming. everyone needs to evolve. i have compassion for my father, the dictator of cambodia, even smokers! i still look for an escape from the smokers, but i have compassion for them.

an important part of this concept is to recognize that my reactions are habitual. anger is a habitual reaction just like pressing the brake pedal of a car. you do it without thinking. it was so automatic that it has taken two years to learn to neutralize the input that would normally cause anger, and consciously choose not to react at all. this is a breakthrough which leads to calm.

it's not only anger. it's anxiety and worry over things that are out of my control. today for example immigration said that three old visas are missing from my passport. in the past i would have a pretty anxious reaction to that. by learning to identify these things before reacting and smooth out my breathing, i can also think more clearly and intelligently about a solution to a problem. it really is a joyful peace of mind.

in fact, i don't actually think of this as a problem anymore.

all challenges i now think of as subjects of this meditation. and i realize that i am extending the definition of meditation. these practical methods are also studied by buddhists and that's one of the things they spend a lot of time on packed away in the monastery. but i have a better idea.

when i was in montreal christmas 2017 at hans' house and his wife complained to me that hans needs absolute quiet to meditate, i started to realize that's not challenging. a more durable meditation is one that can be done at the airport when loud phone talkers are surrounding me when i need to write a program. so that is what i embrace now.

the level i've reached is now when someone is shouting or i hear a story about corruption then i actually see these as signals to breathe smoothly and look for the positive state of mind.

the basic mechanics of this calm are: think of the mind as the sky. clouds roam across the sky, some bring thunder, but they don't change the actual sky. the mind is the sky and the clouds are the ideas and crazy things that happen. i was in the habit of letting the clouds obscure my mind. the mind was still there, but i was reacting to the clouds. now i just watch those clouds come and go without reaction.

a surprising result of this new plan to find positive interpretations is that i don't have to wrangle a creative story from every event; the calm is there now, and that's the basic peace of mind. in other words, i don't have to concoct an alternative story for every issue. just knowing that there are hundreds of alternatives, my old reactions were just one among them, is comforting.

a garbage truck parked outside and the men were banging and clanging. this was 2017. when i was at that level where the two forces meet: my old habit of reacting in annoyance versus my new intention to find an alternative. i was on a ladder painting and sweating. i thought about how hard that work was for the collectors. i thought how grateful i am for their work. i climbed down and brought them some cold drinks.

since them, i'm telling you, i don't have to manufacture an alternative, but it's easy if i am inclined to do it. and that's a total transformation of character that people get excited about when it happens in a novel. that's what makes a novel engaging. i know that classical authors illustrate such concepts in character transformations. the alternative to that is a self help book like deeeeepok chropra. i now have a lot of gratitude for people like eckhart tolle, who has a message similar to yongey minyur's. i watch a lot of their talks.

there is one deeper dimension to all this i want to mention: my ideas were highly prejudicial, and i could not perceive beyond my ideas. that is possible to change. for example, my skepticism about religion and god and spirit have all dissolved and reformed into excitement and enthusiasm. i realized that my own prejudicial ideas based on "logic" were like a prison. i can now enjoy the many spiritual courses available to us. it's a real joy.

for me though it is mostly a relief from being trapped in my previous self. it is true freedom.

anything is fine. serendipity. that's the source of joy.

but one more, it's not just throwing caution to the wind and living randomly. i have to study to keep up with this field, because i still need money to live in the world. one day i will transcend that material and i look forward to that!

but the great knowledge is that i can do anything. it's not to cling to one skill or another, it's to recognize that i have this ingenious adaptivity that i was born with. applying that adaptivity every day to new challenges is exciting.

love yourself because you are the universe.