june 22, 2021
hi dad,
i'd like to answer a question from one of your emails last month about how i stabilized, because i have brief clear answers which may interest you. you wrote:
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"Meditation is great, but there must be more going-on. Please comment."
if i understand correctly, this implies that most therapies these days involve medication.
the short answer is that researchers have shown that mindfulness meditation generates positive chemical changes in the brain and body. but meditation goes beyond a quick chemical change; it positively re-interprets the world. and these effects are more consistent when a person can initiate them voluntarily (rather than depending on medication).
meditation is now an important part of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). the practice of meditation is ongoing. it's not only the hour of sitting quietly in focus. i also practice breathing meditation throughout the day. during work and going for walks, while cooking.
this is also consistent with my understanding that medication should be used only as a temporary part of therapy. meds may calm a bipolar person so they can participate with a therapist and realize the benefits of CBT, which is to replace negative habits of thinking with positive ones. there's another note later on about meds. but it turns out that much of the behavior described as bipolar is a worsening cycle of action-reaction which is mostly learned and habitual. the job of the therapist is to learn the negative mental habits of the patient and help her convert them to positive habits.
an important benefit of the calm emotional state in meditation is good deep sleep. much of the stress which triggers bipolar arises from insufficient sleep. a tired person is more likely to react from habit instead of thoughtful reflection. i can't remember the last time i had a nightmare. i rarely remember a dream, which is a hallmark of deep sleep.
when personal social relationships are more positive and professional relationships are smooth then all of this creates a positively reinforcing loop. it's the opposite of the triggers and reactions of bipolar.
i'd like to mention a couple of things about bipolar. i included a copy of the DSM-5 in a previous email, but you can google DSM-5 if you want to read the list of behaviors. an issue i had previously with the DSM-5 is that it's only a description of behavior without any mention of the cause of the problem. to illustrate further, you may know that a dermatitis condition is only symptomatic and a disease usually cannot be diagnosed from it. in this example dermatitis is like bipolar: we have symptoms but no cause. and the other problems like "borderline personality" and sociopathic, and others list many of the same symptoms. fortunately, i was able to determine the cause of my own symptoms (also through meditation).
without getting into technical details, cortisol and the physical response of fear showed up as inhibited breathing patterns. that was actually the first problem i solved with breathing meditation. that was four years ago. but then i still did not have a solution to my habitual patterns of behavior. i continued to struggle with personal interactions for two more years.
after the breakup last year, when i was scraping the bottom of the barrel as hans put it, i tried the serious version of meditation which really changed things. that was about july of last year. almost a year ago now. every morning one hour of seated focused practice, to identify the sources of habitual action/reaction which you are familiar with from all previous problems. to put it in simple terms, i was able to catch the triggers in a net and reflect for an instant before reacting. the practice of doing so changed my personality completely. that is why i used the analogy of a person being healed of blindness. (and by the way, now that i've re-read jesus quotations from the new testament, i believe this is the kind of "healing" he was actually doing. that's another subject, but it's one of the most fascinating pursuits of my life now).
many of these things i've learned i would like to share with others who have similar problems. but the reality is that the practice of meditation demands serious attention, regularity, determined focus. my friend hans the yoga teacher says that people don't do this until they are out of other options. i know a lot of emotionally disturbed people and i have very lightly touched on the subject with a few of them. they want to try but fail. and i have reached the tentative conclusion that a person has to discover this for herself. the way it works is going to be different for every person.
another note about meds... we american people are so likely to use medicine because it's quick and convenient. but a lot of medicines work for a while and then the body develops "tolerance" and the benefits diminish. wadeth and i were both on welbutrin for several years. there were times when we felt good, but you see, there is nothing in the medication to change the negative way you think! in fact, one meditation teacher suggests that meds can make you feel good about your bad ideas!
meditation or CBT have the purpose to re-interpret old ideas and prejudices in a positive way. when the benefits of doing so manifest then meds are not needed. an ironic thing, i tried meditation when living with wa in cali. i couldn't stay focused and didn't really know what i was doing. one very outlandish meditation teacher named dispenza says, "what if the worst thing that ever happened to you turned out to be the best thing?" that breakup last year was the inspiration i needed to do the meditation for real. but remember, the evolution is ongoing.
meditation also changes the personality. but what you see as a personality and behavior change is also the result of re-engineered beliefs, values, desires - everything that persona is made of.
in my meditation practice i have enjoyed many of what people often call "epiphany" or "religious awakening." the experience is like seeing the deep connectedness of everything and feeling integrated into everything. like i'm a cup of flour in a loaf of bread :)
i could write pages about that but it would start to sound crazy. it's a totally positive experience.
i had a moment of clarity in meditation this morning. the foundation of who i am now is that anything can happen and it's all an awesome part of god's universe.
next time, maybe i can tell you more about my actual retirement plan. if you're interested let me know! i hope you have found this useful to tie up some of the loose ends of transformation and healing! :)
love
mark