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1/2/19
wonderful world. when i awoke this morning, i realized that everything is possible in the mind. the mind is a place of infinite of possibility.

watch the stream of your ideas without resisting or reacting. it's possible to create new ideas like planting seeds and cultivating them.

i relearn everyday to open my awareness and acceptance to every event. those which at first appear difficult eventually reveal wonder.

when i arrived in kota kinabalu my house had no water and the man asked for more money. but i told him i would carry a bucket of water up to my room for a shower and not give more money. so he replied that he would book me as a malay person. then we laughed and got to be friends. every situation contains a seed of wonderful potential.

(of course the seminal journey began with doug's kind nurturing rescue operation at the little white cottage in milledgeville... that was almost 3 years ago. now i am recalling the whole journey since then, because it is new year for the gregorians and for me too (jan 2nd). the first seed was planted in kampot after doug went to germany. i just want to recall the fun travels).

travel. november i was in poodan's room under bokor mountain with the annual gastroenteritis. so i moved to soapy' aunt's house in takeo and she made soup for me for two weeks until i was better. then i was still struggling to relearn my computer programming skill. and i thought that i needed to find a "permanent home" back in the usa. i started with a notion that i wanted to have a white christmas after 7 years in cambodia... i went to stay with now grumpy married mr. hans and his critical wife mrs. hans in the delux west island of no-yoga-studio-in-the-residentialz montreal canada. i had the intense white christmas but mostly alone as i walked among grumpy shut-in people...

back to soapy's aunt's to redesign my plan. another semi-smooth attempt at brian's and yet another curious marriage situation with the wife of a murder victim and her psycho-pson "a-hole" who threatened to destroy my computer and prevent me from ever working again (he was 8). although that was not ideal i discovered that i love to live above with a view of the countryside. got the shoes and the bank account and the phone and ready to roll.

went to meet mom at myrtle for a week and scrabble and that was really nice! 

but i decided to go on to tucson to explore my old hut but it was full of bees and rat midden and treasure seekers had unearthed many heavy structures. very odd. so i rented with ocd dave and sold the hut to the man with an abe lincloln beard and several muslim name appendages. much delight and relief and enjoyment followed the sale and riddance of that mess. i did enjoy walking about sam watson nayborhood. met brittany at the park with cat on a leash, went to albersons for much chattel and my bike was stolen but i replaced it several times during that month plus bonuses.

back to soapy's aunt's house the refuge. and they built a booool arena and made it nearly impossible to live there. i designed a new plan to tallahassee. taxi to bike shop, bike to airbnb (and this was one of the improvisations - airbnb turned out to be less expensive than renting an apartment and a lot less complicated). and set up with evie at shay's airbnb and made my awesome journey on bike down the st. mark's historic trail to carrabelle and st. george island and rented that tall condo just before the hurricane hit and destroyed things that had never previously been destroyed, and i now have a PO BOX 4 and a "permanent" address, and i biked to sunset at carrabelle beach every night with a bottle of knight's something from napa. and made pictures which people accused of photoshop. and that was a miracle of finding my "permanent home" and nan and mark next door and the IGA bonuses. love it.

but this time when i returned to soapy's i rented rachana's place with AC and i could really focus on work. but she went to singapore and i went to kuala lumpur and stayed in william's tea shop and then tran's high-scraper with pool at kl sentral and ate paneer butter masala every night and stuffed potatoes at aaiya bhavan. and stayed also at durgesh who has a better balcony and pool, but less arm's reach convenience and i walked every day at KL botanical garden and one full evening at the bird park. and then to singapore and a sequence of airbnbs starting with attari's precision muslim guesthouse at pungoll park and the cold barbq fake chicken. and then to andy's and andy's other and then caihua. 

and it was time to go but i couldn't manage the complications of palawan so i went to kota kinabalu and this fancy plastic box and then to the borneo gaya lodge and quickly to mamutik island for sunburn and cute fish chasing.

now i am caught up. today i go to jack's elsewhere in kk.

although there is nothing permanent, the closest i have is most comforting: my mind is home. it's a great place to live!



transformation
11/6/18
you can make it true by believing. there is no doubt.

yongey tells the story of a general who earns enough wealth for a lifetime in one day's work by assisting the king. whether he really got that wealth or not, you can see that the general feels great because he believed that he would receive the wealth. now we know that we can believe what we choose. so we know that we can choose to feel great!

that's a very quick way of getting to the point of the story. in brucE almighty everyone wins the lottery, but because god made everyone win they all divided the total and each got $17. you see? 

whether your prayers are answered or not, you can believe that you have the wealth. then you will feel great. 

a wallet full of cash was laying in front of the market. i picked it up, and there is was the wealth. but i actually felt better giving it back to the owner. because i don't need the actual wealth. because i have a better "wealth" in my mind. one that cannot be lost:

belief that i am the universe.

i am everything. i already have everything.

are people just now becoming aware of their infinite mind? no. it is that i am now noticing those people because i understand them. before i thought they must be crazy.

in your mind is the universe. everything is fine! you will have everything you need so there is no reason to fear or worry. 

just believe it and you will see it.



you will lose the distinction between your body and the other material. you will see that you are everything.

all these words that make no sense now, they will make sense. even the time between now and then is not important. 

a tree is aware of itself through me
actually the tree is me
i am all, the tree is all
we are all one


10/29
i smiled and even laughed: sadhguru

"not an attainment... a realization of what's already there."
don't jump from balcony:

volunteer women

stop your mind?

talk to lawyer


10/20
carrabelle 
i survived the hurricane last week and nearly all services are restored. yesterday i caught up with my freelance writing on upwork. today i am planning the next adventure a bit early.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED !!
i answered the primary question which was the purpose of this journey: where will i live and call home ten years from now? the answer is that i will get a medium to smallish RV and live along the gulf coast, hopefully in this neighborhood of the "big bend." 

this area has lots of infrastructure for RV living. there are numberful RV parks and skadz of them are only $25 per night. you could probably just stay one or two nights a week at a paid place for the hookups and then spend the other five off the grid, depending on travel and budget plans.

the state park at st. george island is $26 per night but that includes electricity and so it's cheaper than most rentals.the people are friendly and there is great swimming.

so that's the short answer. i served my purpose coming here. over the next few years i hope to continue to develop my writing and coding career to support this future possibility. i am open to other possibilities of course. but i found myself in cambodia earlier this year with the realization that i don't have a specific place to call "home" anymore. so now that's settled. 

carrabelle is home now. i might even rent a po box before i go traveling again!



9/11 atlanta - blessings today. made two nice friends on the flight, and now have sunny moderate weather for my arrival. i was able to refocus on every occurrence of a negative ideation. in particular, i resolved to catch uber to the bike shop and go ahead and get a bike to explore the area of tallahassee and eventually the beach.

much improvement in the long flight. i could catch every deleterious distraction within a second or two. and return focus to clear, beneficial breathing, and beneficial ideas. truly this is a skill which improves with intentional practice.

i catch deleterious ideas such as the stop for customs in atlanta. i think delta will collect a checked bag fee. i immediately caught this line of thinking and returned to breathing smoothly and positive ideation.

such as dreading an aspect of american culture like the 12 month lease. before i react, i convert to the meditation subject. i love it. i am quite literally becoming a different person! 

the deleterious ideation is a habit. it's a habitual creation or anticipation of problems. i am replacing this habit with a new paradigm of intentionally constructive, alternative interpretations - often simply requires seeing another person's point of view and needs.

prejudicial ideas are being replaced with constructive ideation!



9/10
my purpose is to increase and improve my new awareness. my awareness is like climbing up the fire lookout tower at crater lake! i can see my skirmishes and choose not to react. it's a view from a high place which gives me the advantage to eliminate unnecessary emotional upheaval.

most challenging at the moment is to stay up in the tower longer! often i wake up in the morning and find myself in a loop of thought that is not fruitful, sometimes even worrying. then i remind myself to go up the tower! i begin the breathing exercise and discover positive alternative interpretations for the subject of problem.



9/2/18
success is mixture of intentional effort and random stabbing in the dark.

through trial and effort, if we don't die in a lab experiment, we may emerge with a grasp of a new concept. a new way of perception that is refreshing. 

i realize that it is only my perception, but it is the one i have to live with: that is actually not entirely true. i have discovered that i can alter my perception intentionally. that perception is amorphous and more flexible with practice like a gymnast.

one of my perceptions was that people are caught in habitual loops, repeating not only action, but also repeating emotional reaction. that perception looks ominous to me because i enjoy new and creative potential. actually i was using creativity to avoid arriving at the dead end which appears to be the destination of everyone who is caught in the repetitive loop. in fact i had my own repetition and it included a very painful emotion which manifested physically in my chest!

the story of using rhythmic smooth deep breathing to eliminate emotional pain began somewhat as a sudden partially random desperate response to emotional pain. this seems odd now, because now i can prevent the pain systematically with the breathing. but at the time i started, i had no control over my emotions. 

i was walking to the river one day in kampot when i realized that i needed to somehow solve the problem of the strange emotional pain in my chest which i'd lived with all my life. taking a desperate measure, i decided to force myself to remain continuously aware of my breathing for an entire day! my plan was to breathe deeply, and rhythmically, and to hold my focus on breathing for a full day. i succeeded, and the result is a personal miracle which made a new life possible for me.

as i write this, i am breathing by volition, intentionally. breathing smoothly, evenly, deeply, as an intentional exercise, enables me to relax body and thought almost completely. the result is refreshing. no anxiety, fear, or anger can occur during this breathing, as i have noticed through much experience.

i became aware during a tense moment that i was not breathing freely, that my breathing was short and irregular. i began to think that perhaps fear and other problematic emotions tend to interfere negatively with breathing. i would experience ideas like this, but then quickly descend into pain and emotional chaos again, losing the thread.

in california on long rainy days indoors i would experiment with guided meditations which often focused on breathing. those exercises planted the seeds in my mind, but i didn't know how to use it, and again i would disappear into a habitual sequence of action and emotional reaction.

in kampot, with the feeling that i had followed every possible avenue with only momentary resolution, i would began to feel at a dead end. my old tactics to escape my emotions did not work anymore.

i would notice during a moment of tension or anger that my breathing was short and irregular.

i had fleeting moments of insight and clarity. i began to suspect that irregular breathing in return exacerbated the tension! 

if so, then the physiological reactions create a feedback loop!

i experimented with intentional breathing to intervene and exit from this feedback loop. i call it breathing meditation, and it is intentional focus on maintaining rhythmic, calm breathing. and i reached new kinds of awareness during this meditation.

awareness as i define it, is a state of mind in which i am cognizant that i need not respond to sensory inputs. awareness enables me to observe and disregard potentially upsetting, painful, and useless inputs. these inputs may be incoming comments from friends, weather that might ruin a picnic, fear of failing an exam, or even the memory of a fight with a family member! (a memory is thus an input to consciousness ). 

applying this in daily life means that i step out the mundane pattern of habitual action and reaction which defines the behavior of most people. let me explain this in terms of ordinary daily life.

prior to a year ago, i would ordinarily have an emotional reaction to a condescending comment from a friend or family member. awareness is like a guard at the sensory input gates, one who evaluates incoming stimuli and very often decides to discard them 

the entry to awareness became accessible during a breathing meditation. i learned to practice the breathing meditation to resolve a painful sensation, an emotional pain which seemed like a sinking weight on my chest. i began to experiment with the idea of replacing a painful action with a nurturing action. 

perhaps you have experienced road rage. when you react to the insult from another driver, perhaps you will notice that your breathing is short and irregular. apparently, this breathing promulgates the tension. it appears that this tension quickly escalates to anger. there is substantial evidence that this sequence of action and reaction is habitual. the response of anger is a habit. 

i read a book, "the general theory of love," in which the authors made a clear point that human emotional reactions are habitual. i believe their concept is useful because it offers access to the behavioral causes of anger, and with access the ability to change the behavior. 

i currently endeavor to reinterpret negative ideas in a positive variation. here is an example. a loud truck outside disturbed my peace and my first reaction might have been to feel annoyed. instead i recognized that it was the garbage truck and i intentionally envisioned gratitude to the workers on that truck for their service, and also some empathy for their hard work. i endeavor to create such a new interpretation every day. it is surprisingly easy to do when i am determined to accomplish it.

i believe that one reason i am writing this entry now is that i heard the story of a woman from the netherlands who was euthanized because of severe depression. during that story i heard it said that her application for euthanasia was approved because there was no hope of improving her condition. this i now believe to be incorrect. i suffered sever depression and pain, and i found a solution which i believe can work for anyone. i also believe the solution can be done alone, which is why i would like to reach people who are isolated in depression and hopeless. perhaps this story can be discovered.

here is the kind of sensory input that brings me a moment of hope and joy:
"we are all astronauts." 

it was the title of an ambient music track i listened to this afternoon.

it reminded me that we are all on a spaceship sailing through the universe and that any wondrous occurrence is possible. we should stay tuned for the future is infinite and full of awesome awakenings.

well, that  is the journal entry today, and i do not have time to proof or correct it.


8/5/18
the dry switch story. i drove up in front of chieng lee, which means motorcycle repairman named lee's repair shop, but his young apprentice was there, and i said that my left side turn signals did not work, at which point the young man abandoned his task at hand and picked up a steak knife and was about to pry the switch plate off the turn signal toggle, when mr. lee put his head through an orifice to look in on the operation and asked the apprentice to pause, because he said, "sngu'et!"

"sngu'et" means dry in khmer, and he immediately injected engine oil into the toggle switch, tested the switch, and noted that the turn signal worked perfectly again, and i was surprised but lee was not. i was also relieved. it is a miracle and a pleasure to find a clever person who wants to do the best possible work and to be honest in the transaction. he would not accept any payment. he also injected a second type of oil from another bottle. i pressured him to accept $2000 riel for the oil to be supportive.

he said that he had worked as a mechanic since he was young like the apprentice. 

in the usa people in a car blew their horn at my grandparents' RV and flagged them to pull off. they told my grandparents their engine was leaking old and advised them to go to their shop. they ripped off my grandparents for some pretense that their transmission was faulty. that's the opposite end of this spectrum. i'm glad to know the range of possibilities. 


5/19
free trade, fair trade, cruelty free, organic, gluten free, non GMO...

american people are estranged from strange, foreign to suffering, and cannot image more than a speck of pancake batter on the edge of a plate without an ocd meltdown and a trip to a gratifying self development counselor. 

american people cannot buy a jar of molasses if it was produced by a person who ever experienced any suffering.

if a person is not sure about they's gender and suffered emotionally because there was no gender neutral restroom during a gender crisis and then if that person ever participated in the manufacture of molasses you can be sure that no american will ever buy that molasses even if the molasses is certified organic and otherwise cruelty free and completely free of gluten and other things we've eaten without consequence for ten thoooooooooouuuuuuusaaaaaannnndddd years.

if that gender neutral individual was mechanically gay then we're going to have a one hundred year candle light ceremony to realize and purge that person's woe.


3/21/18
remembering where i came from recently is useful to mark progress and determine what is beneficial or detrimental in my plans and actions.

only a month ago i was living in cambodia watching permits and licenses expire. today i have recharged everything.

a lot can change in a month.

dearth of details.


2/2/18

i've had many good days since i wrote last july. the thing i call "anxiety" or depression, i don't really know exactly what it is, but i have learned new ways to manage its effects. one today i will call "awareness."

AWARENESS

what do you need most right now? what would satisfy you most right now? i am setting up a bit of a trick question.

what i need most is to breathe oxygen.

the realization came again today, the awareness, that my most important need is something i often forget about in a moment of anxiety. we do breathe automatically, but our breathing is often irregular because of situations causing fear or anxiety. even a conversation can make breathing irregular.

i feel now that, no matter what the situation is, i can become aware of my breathing and make it smooth and even. this is a great power. this is a superpower.

so now i ask again, what do you need most right now?

i was feeling depressed a bit this morning, not terrible, but reminded me of previous years when i had not developed any awareness, and i was just at the mercy of these unpredictable emotions.

i was not thirsty. i was not hungry, the fridge is full of food. you might say those things come next on the list of needs. i was sitting in a comfortable house, no one was attacking me. i had everything i NEEDed, but old mr. depression came to visit. was it because my uncle died? i talked to mom after uncle died and she told me a lot of sad stories about how the families were fighting over trivial matters and not speaking anymore. you see, once again, i fell into the old habit of looking for a reason for this thing that wells up inside me. it's internal. it's not coming from some external cause. and i know a lot of people who have this same issue.

i feel stuck sometimes. i want to change the situation, but i don't know how. so i looked at this picture i made last year which i designed to remind me how to change my ideas toward awareness:


sometimes i have to actually push myself through this mental stream. focus, and take a few long smooth breaths. stand up and stretch out my arms and legs. have a big glass of cool water. this is a stream because i want to develop the habit of flowing easily around this course every day.

so the big realization this morning was, as shown in the picture, if i keep in motion, keep my mind focused on this natural stream flowing along, i don't worry about other things. if i do it's just a brief distraction rather than anxiety.

i was born with everything i need. 

if the bank transfer is late, if the ticket is too expensive, if i am tired of my clothes, if my family don't want to meet me, all these supposed causes of anxiety disappear when i take a deep breath and count the many things i have to feel fortunate for. the long interesting life i lived so far is something extraordinary: taking care of the kids in my little cambodian village for 3 years and exploring that ancient place. 6 years of whitewater kayaking and sailing and snowboarding in california. myriad other rich things to be grateful for.

i can change my emotion to positive!



progress and regress. 

a man was trying to scare a cow to move out of the road and shouted something which i guess would be scary to himself instead. that is 1D thinking; it's habitual, presumptuous, nearly automated gestures. the cow ran away, probably because the man was hideous, but i realized that the apparent cause and effect is usually misinterpreted. if that man just said something innocuous like, "hi cow, how are your cowbabies doing?" the cow would be equally afraid and run away in exactly the same frantic manner. the cow does not know what the man said. it is afraid because of the context. but people do not know that other cows (and people) do not understand what is being said. instead, people simply react to the context of their preexisting emotional situation! that is a hot mess. it does not bode well for human communications.


July 24        2017

I use a breathing meditation to calm my emotions and sleep. It works well when there are many ideas like popcorn in my head.

i have two specific exercises which i do at the same time. one is the breathing.

the idea is to breathe smoothly and deeply. i count about six seconds inhaling and seven exhaling. i set a goal like 100 breaths, and actually count.

Initially the counting is a focus, but sometimes I get distracted and need a more engaging focus exercise.  100 breaths takes more than 20 minutes.

the second exercise which i combine with breathing instead of counting is, on each 13 second breathing cycle, i imagine a good thing happening to a person i care about and especially people i had trouble with in the past. i can imagine you finding harmony with other mark. it builds creativity to exercise the imagination this way.

A part of this exercise most beneficial to me is replacing negative ideas with positive ones. And it also serves to calm us when we worried about something. And allows us to see an alternative to the problem or crisis that we worry about. If we tend to imagine a difficult situation I find that with practice it's as easy to imagine a positive outcome, a happy and rewarding outcome.

It's sometimes overwhelming when anxiety has more emotional power than happiness. Research shows we are more deeply impacted by negative experience. This is a hole to climb up from. But it's possible with effort.

And things accumulate and get difficult as people get older, I think that people develop habitual ways of thinking and perceiving. Some call this "set in your ways" for example. But it is possible to change the habit, as I suggested in the beginning, somewhat difficult to encourage yourself to imagine positive alternatives to situations that you worry about. I mean positive outcomes.

Although we are not in control of everything, with a bit of initiative and influence you can steer a difficult situation in a positive direction. And you should credit yourself for doing so no matter what the outcome.

I do believe a lot of this begins with intentions. And we can set good intentions during this meditation process. Meditation the word makes some people annoyed associated with new age ideas that sounds silly. So I call it breathing meditation because it really does work for me.

I believe we can develop positive habits of thinking. Including openness.

I've noticed that people are deeply persuaded by the painful difficulties in their lives.  Persuaded that their experience is "truth" when in fact it's only one of many possible truths. We have some choice about which truth we live in. Or we can freely abandon the myth that there is truth at all.

Those experiences are persuasive and emotionally difficult to change. You really have to want to change it.

Trying to change seems artificial because it's like trying to ignore the painful experiences that are so real to you. But we have to take advantage of the fact of the knowledge that we have about human psychology. It is unfair and a sense that negative outcomes leave a deeper impression than positive ones, but we can use that information to restructure the way we think.

It comes as a surprise to learn that you are in control of what you think and believe. when after a lifetime of being tossed about on your emotional sea, it does not seem like we are in control of that.

I have heard people say it like this, we are not in control of what happened to us but we are in control of the way we interpret it.

This is where it may be valuable to compare people and realize that every person has a unique set of challenges, problems. We're all together in this sense, and becoming aware of this might lead to greater compassion.

When someone does hurt us we can choose the way it will affect us in the future. It's possible  to forgive with meaningful reasons. We each get hurt but at a different time. Therfore, we each need forgiveness at a different time. I mean that when someone hurts you they may be reacting to having been hurt by someone else previously. So this is the time when you need to have patience for that person who is lashing out. Of course if it's habitual and there's a chronic source to it this needs more evaluation. But in any case you can see how we can begin to have control over the way we react. For example by choosing to replace those painful idead with positive ideas.

For you it might be art, singing in the car, hiking, pottery, for reading articles about brain surgery and looking for new methods in neurology. It could be anything. You can use positive and happy ideas from those activities as Focus points during your breathing meditation.

You can use a mental paintbrush to paint a mental picture of your own design containing all of the most wonderful features that you can imagine. And the focus on this will be surprisingly up listing. And it will be a great exercise for your meditation.

Perhaps the next step is action to take internally, in your emotional world. Where you can take a similar kind of positive action, but perhaps you will need to develop some new techniques. New ways of thinking. Perhaps keeping a journal of your personal discoveries. What works and what does not work.

Love yourself. That is something we hear a lot but it's difficult to do it. I have one idea to share about that...

Seems like we are trained to think that love has to come from other people. But I am a person too. Although it is counterintuitive technically I should be able to love myself.

At the very least I can do some things take some specific actions to take care of myself in the same way that another person who loved me might take care of me. And I do that now because I spend most of my time alone.

Enduring, so I passed through a stage which I would call feeling sorry for myself. Seemed a little bit sad for me to be taking care of myself and having compassion for myself. And I have some very analytical friends who enjoy laughing about this when I talk about it. But here is an excellent way to practice finding an alternative interpretation, a happier interpretation. And mine is that it is not feeling sorry for myself at all but in fact truly having compassion for myself as would a person who truly loved me.

In real terms this requires practice and repetition as any sports or engineering or medical practice for example.

Just one more quick thing about this. The breathing meditation that I do I find it is physically difficult and requires a lot of concentration and it reminds me of swimming laps at the University. even though it has positive outcomes and benefits it's still is requires work every morning that I do it.

Just to give an example of the difficulty, I set the task to make a list of positive memories and experiences, and I find that is quite difficult to do I cannot summon up positive memories happy experiences on demand like I'm turning on the lights. So if you do try this meditation process I hope you will not be discouraged. oh whoops just one more thing,

The concept to say a little prayer of positive hopes for a loved one, that's just one possibility of focus point during meditation. You can invent your own.

Repeating the idea of one method of focus ...The easiest focus point for me would be to paint a picture in my mind like with a mental paintbrush where you envision a beautiful landscape or whatever you love to paint. And actually draw the painting in your mind it's surprisingly effective as a meditation technique to stay focused. Okay now that's the end of the lecture haha

That's the end of my discussion, but I want to tell about a story that I received in reply to the above discussion. A single mom who is discovering the wonderful companionship of her daughter and the strength in independence and freedom of life wrote this:

"I'm lucky to have a constant reminder right in front of me. My daughter reminds me every day that I am here for a reason. When she was 3, she told me that she picked me to be her mom, she said that she knew that I needed her!!! How crazy is that coming from a 3 year old? I love it! And she has taught me patience and understanding and how to really listen."

Isn't that a wonderful alternatives to Modern scientific attitudes about biology and life. The idea that there are little Spirits roaming around out there choosing parents who need them. What a great story about how we are chosen by our children because they have arrived to teach us something important about life and to share.

Thanks for reading. I hope this is beneficial to you! 






breathe first
intentional breathing is best
attentive breathing
smooth rhythmic breathing
extended inhaling and exhaling
"extended" while learning
fill the lungs with air gently 
with effort and purpose
then relax and let the body
breathe out the air

fresh new ideas
emerge from breathing
muscles are flexible
blood flows
skin tingles

stress is relieved in this way
problems and pressures
dissolve and disappear
all ideas come and go
easily while breathing
smoothly and fully

every possible event 
is acceptable
fascination and freedom
reside in every leaf
and every pebble

everything is fine
all things are as they should be

breathe 

as you encounter people who add stress and pressure to your day, remember to have compassion for them and for yourself. take every possible opportunity to breathe freely. take a deep breath before you reply to another person. your reply will be compassionate. this will become your normal way.

collect your positive uplifting ideas and learn to keep them close and dwell on them. build on these ideas and color them and flavor them to inspire yourself and other people. 

i don't always have a reason for what i do, and that's perfectly fine. human reasoning is limited in scope and function. it is not the ultimate determining factor! follow your preferences to fruition. there is no need for rationalization.

i manage my emotions as a swimmer manages the water around him. and now i have discovered that the best way is to FLOAT. floating on these emotions. reclining on a cloud as it drifts above me and my world. i can see the whole.

if you find something interesting here, write to me at: sunsetologist@gmail.com

When does the past begin?

i feel increasing pressure to forget about the past. should i forget all of it? to be technical about the subject, the end of this sentence is one place where the past can begin. at the point which signifies completeness.

if i choose to forget about the past before i type the period then i might close the computer in the middle of my journal entry? perhaps a practical definition of the boundary where the past stops and now begins should be the point where one endeavor is finished.

when i click "save" this entry is done, it's history.

and i need to accept the continual flow of new experiences. like this one, in which someone reminds me of a past i would rather forget: i worked many years to improve the tin can mailman bookstore in arcata california, a bookstore which belonged to my former partner. i wrote a lot of software for managing credit and website. i also did a lot of physical work at the store. built custom shelves and went on book buying trips with my partner. even hung the christmas lights in the windows every winter. but my partner decided to end our partnership. that was eight years ago (now) and i moved on.

but last year she wrote and asked me to work on the software again. i was glad to work with her again. i must have missed some experiences with my partner and the store. but the balance was generally painful and so it was not difficult to let it go. so i completed another chapter with her and the tin can mailman, writing updates to her store programs.

but today i received an email from her announcing that she is selling the store. no one but me can have any idea or concept how that final blow feels.

but i will take it as a more powerful reminded to live and enjoy today. i will not waste anymore energy on this subject.

and here is one more subject i will not waste more energy on: my current partner informed me today that she will not call me anymore because when i am very busy i don't answer my phone. 

all the time that i have lived in cambodia i have heard people blaming me for not answering my phone.

at the same time, i am in a meeting and i cannot politely answer my phone. but i also see at least half the other people in the room will interupt the meeting and answer the phone. we all have to wait for that person and the next to answer the question, "where are you? when are you coming home? have you eating yet? don't let anyone steal your motor. don't take the east road by the temple because that's where the ghosts of that woman and her baby are who were killed in the crash last year. get some prohoc on the way home. your father is no good. don't forget tomorrow is a holy day. buy incense. get a bag of soup....."

i have been in a boat for two hours where i could not bring my phone, or swimming at the beach.

i have talked to my partner twice per day on average for more than a year. but today she is not satisfied with my phone performance. now it's all up to me. she is waiting for me to call. and i am going to the beach to live my life, at the end of this journal entry, at the point where the past begins and now begins.

likewise i have noticed that i do not feel disappointed if another person does not answer my call. sometimes people are in the shower, or standing outside the house talking to neighbor, or there is a loud wedding party and they cannot hear the phone.

these things are so obvious to me, and yet all the other people i see around me do not remember the same experience. they had the same experience because they were sitting with me in the meeting. but they act as if they can't remember.

now i will act as if i can't remember. people make me tired.

and they do not comprehend and perceive the world as i do. 

and that is why i feel alone. i don't feel lonely in a difficult way. i have accepted the realities of life, and i am content.

i am content with being alone.


jooon 30

28 days after the last entry! absorbed by the beach, ocean, sand, sea, sun, fresh air.

still searching for the most inclusive view of everything i can perceive.

to reset openness each morning
to recall the best first priority
and let it guide my plan and action

today i realized that i did not meditate properly for a week or more.
and the result was impulse to buy a ticket when i have no destination!

fortunately i caught it before following it.

now i have a more relaxed order: research the destination diligently, locate possible residence, purchase ticket (eva), all the while keeping upwork apps open and running.

meditate to keep focus clear

twists and delays:
interview job
cannot find americans in otres
get skype recorder to interview people back in usa
first recorder does not work
suggests add firewall exceptions, done
still not working
updates to fix, still not working
power failure
wifi stops
shower to cool off
no power to pump
dip water from bucket
2nd recorder would not install
now on 3rd installation
talkhelper bogus site shows links for all other recorders but all links point to talkhelper



joon 2      2017

“Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” Attributed to Buddha.

today i find what matters most: being of service to the needs of other creatures including people, that is the moment when i feel happy and think of nothing else. i found an injured bird, "strawberry", because his head was scraped and bloody and really looked like a little wild strawberry. and made a little sleeping bag from strips of cloth and tucked him inside and put some milk in his beak. and he died about 20 minutes after i found him. and i stopped to greet a woman who said her house flooded during the night's rain, and i offered to make a little wall of brick to keep out the water. and another neighbor offered some bricks. but the lady said that if i put a little row of bricks then she cannot put the scooter in the house at night. and so the balance of advantages and disadvantages to an act was equal in this case by her opinion. although these two examples do not have the desired happy ending of novels they show the intention and the goal, which is to always find what matters now.
 
i did something new!  (see 5/20 entry)
and converted an ugly "genetic father" email
into a positive review of progress! here it is:


i'm learning to be flexible. i hope you will read all this email. even though it's long. i hope you will accept that new things appear under the sun, because that is what happens whether you hold tightly to old ideas or open your self to new ideas. people do change. consider this:

i've lived with an emotional disturbance most of my life, and this was a tricky problem. when people would urge me to seek counseling or therapy, i would reply that this is much like telling a person with a broken leg to walk to the hospital.

and then the leg remains broken.

and a lot of people live their entire lives in such a state, unfortunately, without awareness that peace can be learned. i can reset my own bones!

a cycle of action and reaction develops which delays real awareness. family who meant to help would say that i had bipolar disorder and recommend lithium. i would react harshly and go another lap on the roller coaster. the suggestion that i had bipolar at the time was just insulting. but i don't see it that way now.

there are limits to how much we can help each other, whether limits of volition, ability, or value judgement. i don't blame anyone; "everyone has something", as mom says. in cambodia there is no psychiatic counseling available, but  it is partly because of living in cambodia that i was able to make progress understanding my emotions.

emotional problems skew our perception of reality, and in my case this was expressed as frequent and erratic changes in priorities, goals, actions, leaving everyone near me confused. the feedback from cambodian people about my actions was somehow unprejudiced, and i was able to find more self awareness in the reflecting pool of their comments.

i recently read that this particular problem often presents special challenges for therapists, who may get entangled on an empathetic level in the patient's reasoning and anecdotes. in this case going to the hospital even does not guarantee the broken leg will be fixed! i had my share of wrong diagnoses, including the famous ADHD, and a prescription of ritalin from a doctor in greensboro. like everyone, the doc had good intentions, but did not get to know me. i didn't really know myself, nor what i should tell him.

but he did say one classic thing that stayed in my db of useful concepts: "each situation seems different to you, but after years, you will see patterns beneath. this will eventually lead to awareness of what is going on." that may have been the most useful feedback, and so in a sense the ADHD diagnosis was just one trial and error required along the journey.

yet in spite of blunders and mayhem, i have made a surprising breakthrough. thanks to caring feedback from people included in this email, i have achieved a specific and useful self awareness.

what i have learned during the recent six months is a method of seeing my own emotions from a safe distance, in such a way that i can make a new kind of choice about whether or not an emotion or impulse needs action, or whether in fact it is another roller coaster ride. and this is my favorite analogy.

my life often felt like a roller coast ride, and now i envision it like this: i am watching the roller coaster from a hundred meters away, rather than actually riding it. the ups and downs, highs and low, i can observe rather than react. sometimes when i am swimming or kayaking i may have this terrible emotion. in the past i would have a reaction, change a plan, alienate a friend. once i quit uga in the middle of a term and flew to france!

now i am able to effectively see the emotion, label it, and disregard it when it's disconnected from my actual circumstances. a fear or extreme sadness which occurs while doing an enjoyable activity. i can now disregard that. the cumulative benefit of this new ability and awareness is already showing benefits. relationships of all kinds and jobs.

i am now freelancing with Upwork, and just received a 5 star review for a long research paper i wrote for a business in the us. this is a more established prospect than the freelancing i did in the past, when i would terminate a job because of an emotional spike.

each time i observe an unnecessary negative emotion and choose to disregard it, i get a feeling of accomplishment - personal accomplishment - something rare to me until recently.

and something very nice is now emerging. i am able to enjoy life without the fear and pain that wrecked things in the past. i am living at a peaceful resort town on the coast of cambodia and continuing online work here. and so i can swim every morning and evening.

this new method is a cognitive restructuring, and it takes a lot of practice to do it right. occasionally an emotion will catch me off guard like a cat waiting quietly to pounce. because emotions are SO REAL that it is nearly impossible to disbelieve them! but now when i have such a sudden sporadic emotional spike i quickly realign my awareness of this, and make a clear evaluation of the situation at hand. the results so far are very positive.

for example, i just read an unpleasant email from my father, in which he requested that i delete his email address from my phone and computer, and that we end our relationship. it is one of the results of many years of difficult interactions. it is understandable. to that email i am replying, "as you wish". and along with my reply, i would like to show how, in the past, these interactions often fueled an unfortunate cycle, in which i would become upset and then lash back with an ugly reply.

things have changed. i don't expect everyone ever outraged by my behavior to suddely forgive and forget. i am simply taking the time to acknoledge a new horizon to people i care about.

over the years, many people did their best to help me in various ways. as hans would say, we did the best we could at that time! i am grateful for this.

i am aware that my problem made people tired for ages. the worst of it came at the end of 2015, when i quit the drug diazepam which i was using supposedly for sleep. i had a very difficult and long withdrawal.

but the strange side effects of withdrawal forced me to rediscover my own life. i imagine that it was like being born and not even knowing what my own senses were telling me! paresthesia was the weirdest of all. i guess it must be very weird for new born babies to discover their own senses. what a shock, and how difficult to interpret it all. that is the effect of withdrawing from a medication that alters the way synapses work. information to the brain gets distorted. fortunately it has past with excellent results.

i am hopeful for the future. there are exciting discoveries ahead. life is new and fresh.

please keep in touch and keep the conversation alive.

On May 7, 2017 9:21 PM, "Ron Moore" <rlm@triad.rr.com> wrote:
Hey Mark
 
I have continued to communicate with you for 55 years because I am your genetic father and I have always felt that it is my
unending responsibility to encourage your to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave,
clean, and reverent. To live your live based on the Ten Commandments and the Fruits of the Holy Spirit (in the Bible). When
I am deceased I hope you will remember that.
 
Now I am 76 years old and I am tired of the type of conversation that flows back and forth between us. And I am tired of the
heartache that all of that causes between your mother and I. And I am tired of hearing Wendy say "Why do you keep on
doing that." So let's stop this forever today. Please remove my email address from your phone and computer.
 
Good luck and best wishes for a happy and productive life.
 
Dad
----- Original Message -----
From: mark moore
To: Ronald Moore
Sent: Saturday, May 06, 2017 8:55 PM
Subject: Warren

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-berkshire-buffett-idUSKBN1820J4

Did you check yourself into a good rehab program?

(end of joon 2 entry)


5/20 phuck dis entry. i am incredibly bored with this life in kampot. i need to do something new. And now for a test of the typing speed. i disabled several startup programs. there was a lag or delay as i typed before about once every 30 secondssdfnsdnfsdlknfsdklnfsdlknfsdlknsfnsdfnds  still happening. phuck dis computer.

italian surfer's right leg arm and hip were severely scraped about two acres of flesh removed and he told of the accident in which a khmer family of four people on a motorcycle struck him. his injuries appeared the same as russian revenge lady's. we are generally in agreement that no matter how safely we drive khmer people are going to hit us. this is one of the reasons i did not buy a moto as planned. many people i know have healing injuries and stories of such accidents. i witnessed an accident in which two young khmer men crashed their moto into a row of six rental motos parked in front of a cafe knocking them all down. the men fell on the road injured lightly. i rescued one man near chisor mountain with severe head injuries and bleeding. i saw a man crash into a bus which then crushed one wheel of his moto.

regularly there will be a large tree branch rising from a hole in the road where the pavement collapsed into a broke pipe or an erosion gap. if new pavement is installed a huge truck carrying a thousand bricks will drive right across it depressing the saft blacktop into deep grooves. but it's not a disregard for safety; people here have no training, no skills, and apply no analysis.

you can see a man on a skinny homemade bamboo ladder leaned against high power electrical lines with another man down below supposedly holding the ladder steady. electrocution is a frequent source o accidental death here. most of the dearth of safety measures here is obviously a result of nearly zero training and cost cutting.

oun12 answered, then either turned off the phone or the battery died. she probably does not know her phone is off. whatever happened, this type of event is so commonplace in cambodia as to leave me feeling that nothing really works here. infrastructure is unreliable and everyone contributes to this quality

as i walk about observing behavior of drivers, i realize that people here really have no knowledge base of experience to draw from. it's not just lack of training today; there are a million people on the road of all ages who learned to drive by TRIAL AND ERROR. in the usa it's the opposite.

for example, my grandfather taught me how to drive when i was 14, and he had been driving for 30 years. that's a lot of experience to combine with a clear set of driving regulations, and a solid infrastructure in the usa of good roads and also enforcement. a lot of features go into this highly functional system. and if you drive incorrectly you will get a lot of negative feedback to put you in line. police everywhere, signs indicating special conditions, driving tests, and by special contrast to cambodia, severe penalties for drunk driving. in cambodia there is basically no penalty; it almost seems that people are not even in clear agreement that driving drunk is a cause of accidents! as a result of this the few smart people stay home, especially at night.

now for the the contrast. i guess about half the cars in cambodia have the driver on the left and half have the driver on the right side of the car. we're supposed to drive on the right side o the road. what a mess. people turning left across traffic regularly veer into the opposite lane diagonally up to 50 meters early. they seem to have no concept that this creates problems, the "turn" lasts a lot longer than if they went up to the point of turn and made a 90 degree right angle turn. but these people drive by habit, not by training or skill, certainly not by forethought.

i shot a chunk of garbage into a blue barrel a split second after the boys in green evacuated it with macyay shouting choppity slopa trapok, walked hardly a lap and straight to ellie's, "chargrilled" chunks "coooscooos", C-N visit, Will's interview at 2 plpus a stout reward...

and a day later...

shoes to chan (cozmetiks!) chat with debbie, oil on the water at tek chhou, and a lot of consolation detritus from the almond store and the motto rental lady.

phart and psuck

5/17
this is a long-ass entry, but i realized that it's impossible to know anything about my material existence from reading these abstractions. so here is an email to BlockHandsMan which tells of my current psituation:

extraweird.
anyway, well congrats (on engagement to V), and that's exciting. you must be on cloud 9
with all your chakras igniting into little fireballs and whatnot.

... i myself have lost touch with all formal procedures other than visa renewal.

i reckon you must be quite busy operating the yoga program, or
stranded in a tent on the roof, with a lodger occupying the house? i
confess i don't have much concept of what's going on there; just my
imagination to fill in the white space.

presumably this will not count as a reply to your invitation unless i
mention the possibility of my attendance. at the moment i don't have
the financial resources for a trip to canada (14,000 km).

although i am making progress finding new interests and rediscovering
old ones that were unfulfilled. i've been reading about madagascar, a
place i wanted to visit when i was a kid, and finding it appealing.
just learned that malagasy is an austronesian language, not related to
african languages but indonesian. borneo.

but this was the first result of a new research i'm doing to find a
peaceful place to RETIRE. madagascar appeared first because its murder
rate is better than norway's ('better' presuming you prefer fewer
murders). (after reading about the gangs of honduras i realized some people
prefer more murders). and this single statistic makes is remarkable among
undeveloped countries.

i had a surge of activity on Upwork.com and completed a research
project there which paid better than most programming jobs i've had!
but now it's slow again. i am just making enough money to retain the
savings i have to move to a new place. but i have nearly ruled out
very cold places and focused more on warmer places with great swimming
opportunities. i have not decided yet, and the ability to make a firm
decision is still under construction.

as of today, i am still occupying this small apartment in kampot, have
one or two friends, but spend most of my days doing research. i
increased my physical exercise plan to two episodes of unnecessary
actions, morning and night, doubling my previous set of futile
gesticulations, but i am now fit as a fiddle. you would be surprised,
especially if you continue to compare me to people who have terminal
cancer.

i just read a book on SEO, a nauseating term because of excessive use in job ads. but i immediately pasted the contents of this journal entry into a word frequency counter and got the following result:
WordFrequency
pink6
awkward5
pole4
and if the search engine has intelligence it will infer that people are seeking dramatic penis fiction. and now this page will be flagged for content intended not for very young small early peas, but instead for the elder doofae.

14 million years ago there was no florida: https://geomaps.wr.usgs.gov/parks/pltec/sc14ma.html  
(morgan freeman is a freegan mormon)

what brought on this verbal episode was the realization while reading about madagascar that the aghulas current flows between, and contributed to Ostrichnesian peeps finding the island instead Afreakan'uns...

awkfulwardness. here is a reconstruction of my absurd morning: stretched on my 100% rubber double-flops and walked out into the soup and sprinkle, encountered oun12 who shuttled me to the corner by ellie's, blacker than usual and carrying a big sack with raincoat and "tea" and declaring abstinence from sra. no staff on hand and Will reminded me that the meeting is thursday not 2day, walked to view c-n (ounSeethru) at c-k but they looked awkward so i said hello and goodbye. then the most peculiar event: i approached an urban right triangle, a passageway, decorated with a ចំប៉ី tree as the hypotenuse, a concrete telephone pole as vertical cathetus, and a team of pink flowers wedged between the sidewalk forming the horizontal cathetus. but there was not enough space between the pole and tree for my umbrella to pass though without brooot force distorting both the magic gateway and or my parasol zontik, only enough space for my skull to pass through, and so as i entered that slot my right hand adroitly reached around the pole and handed my left hand the stalk of the umbrella so smoothly that my gait was uninterrupted as my feet also gracefully stepped over and betond the pink flowers bursting out of the concrete crack without perturbation and this seemed polyawkwardly disawkward for this awkward morning, but the concealed awkwardness was revealed when suddenly and simultaneously the non owner of the unlit market arrived in his twelfth-baked police car with his blank stare aimed at me and or my bright pink umbershoooot... i mean that i was right in the middle o' congratulating my own adroit maneuver in progress with the pink dome of the zontik bulging out into the grey road when the most willifying creepy heebie jeebie misalignment of coincidental events brought us to conjoin out mutual whereabouts and attention spans upon the bright pink dome passing around the pole just at the instant that the pennypincher gawked up with zombie-mouth, and i mechanically smiled and his face stagnated at me through safety glass although the car accelerated, ever the inert dull-eyed clerklet, the cellophane engineer, unresponsive spuk-face as far as knowability permits, soccer-slope promotionist, but i instantly pondered possibilities such as the statistical graphs representing his potential recognition of the pink paraplooooy and its juxtaposition now with my visage the dislikes of which never purchased anything more than $1.60 at not his market. and then i bought small pieces of ice left over from yesterdearth and ounICE said no twice, and then i met sa'mo'neee with a smile in her military police halloween costume awaiting transport to go the 20 meters to work, and said she was the prettiest police and asked her to arrest me, but she was trying to say something to me and i crowded out her words with nonsense and then felt awkward, and i wondered if people remember these awkward moments, people other than me i mean, and the whole morning has been awkwawawawardy starting with the attempt to declare love being curtailed abruptly by word of mouth and then writing it into a machine. but i wore my tailored rubber 2Xflops well and no one laughed at me.

now again i am reading about plate tectonics, stemming from an exploration of madagascar yestermuck, and today will likely evaporate into fantasy as did the previous and the previous.

i've been staring at the computer four hours today and not much to show, more like entertainment research really.

5/14
awoke vaguely, wondering if the taxi would go this morning. mild trepidation. another futile examination of my imperfections truncated by taxi's early arrival. secretly grateful. walked directly to change money and buy a phone card. is it just an accident the name of the market and his first name being metta? (he claims non ownership, but he also claimed soccer field on a steep hill). anyway, his torpor and vacant gaze a mysterious deterrent, i was thwarted till later. but i did indeed procure the muesli even shoulder to shoulder with comatose staff at the moto rental. people never even look at me, i have achieved the dullest appearance. quite a granola stockpile now, topping four kilos. moto empty, gaslady asked about the muesleee, "what foreigners do wit dat?" slid sideways to bookstore for boxes of colors. home for setup: 4shoes, hat, soap, sundries. one thought on the road to k12, "i am redistributing a modicum of resources from rich to poor". keep almost nothing for myselph. sideways to k12 to meet chan, who was delighted with my praise for her honesty throughout the oun fraudebacle, and who accompanied me to preacher korean debbie's church also at k12. odd assembly of almost dead people. delivered chan back, then a long chat with debbie myoungjin and a bowl of dried blueberries! american and korean chatting with difficulty in khmer language! both selph taught forgottenness. she offered lunch, and her mom is not just visiting, oh and a family member of chan handed me a prop-ka, and i was alert enough to say i cannot get permission from work. promised chan shoes and bow next sunday (her snaggletooth mother got the Xmedium shoes so hopefully she wont torture chan). coming back stopped at nary's house, greeted by thai, parents said no $ for nary's rien cours, thai showed me the way to grandma's hut and i gave them each a book, nary the legends and thai the puzzles. back home for a shower and change. got chan's shoes and last best sunscreen at accident's store although he was there in fact, and tall boy hovered at foot coverings. then see'n c-n for a minute to explain broken phones again. planned to tukchooo but too much oncoming drunkardoolia, quick trip to the almond store, shampooooooo and pooooooodre for c-n, who gave me a hefty sack of leftover donuts upon closing the bakery, which i intended for the skinny kids at shrahchhooook. then returned a moto (net gain $3 -- oh and siphoned the last liter into a rum bottle for next rental yukyuk). and stopped at navi's and awarded donuts to theee, kid, fat sister, navi, who asked me to concert. stopped at simple things andre asked me to talk to da again who was carrying an IV bag of piss (vitamins), and said she had an allergic itchy skin conflagration after a chunk of cow meat and the blood exam said she has high white blood cell count and low blood pressure. said she could not sleep behind the kitchen andre moved her upstairs very caring i thought but he'll probably torture her to death when there is a customer lull. walking home i went straight to the gov building where the family lives and awarded donuts. many people were delighted by surprise free fattening donuts tonight. i sampled one myself and gained two pounds instantly. c-n called a total of 22 times on the metfone claiming boredom at work. at home i had a pot of mashed potatoes and gravy, chick peas and goooooda, a bit of the 1000 island salad, and bread, bit of wine and the unbelievalyy smoovvvv choc. now i'm done. and during all this activity i entertained no thoughts. oh nary is suddenly fat.

agenda monday 9am meet marisa at ellie's.


5/11
a rare day when i feel useful here in kampot. after the little strawberry head died, i felt sad, but i walked to the market with s'of'w and set her up with mome to make the wedding dress and that was fun, and i got another 60s office shirt, and then had some coffee with them at ellie's and chatted with the khmer staff. i had several deliveries this afternoon. a pair for ountrapeang and a tarp for oun12; both were pleased. i declined sour palm juice for tomorrow. made my rounds at the modern markets and discovered the choc meuslie at  cramped market for tomorrow. new idea for da at simple thangz worked and she copied fb mess to new google khmer voice and heard her messages for the first time! (can't read). and andre gave me the mexi salad or which i need to advisetripor's. soapy comz 2morrow. and the legion is camped out in my back yard. cooling rains are here.

extra towels or containers, a syringe, keep these items for when you rescue an injured bird and attempt to rehabilitate and care for it. what amazes me is how suddenly this arises. like the man who fell off his motor and the little bird with a head like a strawberry i just found on my way to get water. how most of his little body was bare and red like all the feathers were stripped away by a cat just playing with it, not even aware of the pain and injury. and the location i found the bird is the prowl of the cat. discarded when no longer lively and fun. that is the mechanical stupidity of life in general that more sensitive creatures endure until they likewise are caught in the teeth of the machine. i am not fighting the process anymore. but this little bird reminded me of many years of resistance.


upwork slightly revived when i got 4 credits back from jobs that were cancelled. now i can be much more cautious about choosing only jobs that are likely to succeed. 9 more days till i get more!


5/10
wednesday. a somewhat tedious day, and counting backwards through time i only recall a silly chat with da. i sent her several messages at the request of andre to ask about a sick staff member, and when she did not reply i called. she said sorry she cannot read. so we had a laughing giggling moment and that was much more fun that messaging. and i forget because i am plagued with people staring at phones that some few of them cannot read. she said maybe toich is pregnant! and laughed. and that she missed marina. i imagine it must be nice to disregard all the printed world and yet this freedom now must have some difficulties too. there's only one escape.


5/8
"progress" is amorphous, hard to measure. i often forget, "what did i do today?" yesterday. many days pass as i search and search through warehouses of info for a job, a skill to learn, a place to live and explore. i want a new experience, but i feel a bit stuck now. i had one good project on upwork, and now it seems i am back to the routine of 40 applications to get one rejection! the point of this journal entry is to encourage perseverance. i am definitely improving several fronts of development: physical fitness is great, diet and creativity in preparing meals much improved, motivation to continue this search, bank and finance situation, all going well. here are some results of research:

on fronts 1 and 2, job search and new skill... i ran out of "credits" to bid on upwork, and now i don't see replies to my recent bids. 12 days to receive another 60. time to find another freelance site: guru or toptal? at the moment there is a vague offer to edit a "novella" without a start date. i researched job skills in demand on upwork. most in demand is php. typical co-requisites "symfony" (PHP web application framework), wordpress (content mgmt sys), javascript, many others. conclusion: php is not sufficient by itself, and most jobs require many other dev tools, languages, libraries. even if i review php and pass the test, i may not have enough co-requisite skills to get a specific job. better to find work in less complicated development. for example, there are many projects posted for vba excel macros. i can do this now without additional study. sql is sometimes needed. easy. "fastest growing skill" is machine learning. i followed the tensorflow tutorials for several hours. it's not difficult, but the job descriptions involving machine learning are a bit vague or it's not easy to see a clear application and product. at the moment, it seems my best options are research writing (no. 5 in demand) and excel. front 3 is the next place to live and explore. on this front i am somewhat as i was the months before i went to cambodia. i had then signed up for a the astronomy certificate thinking i might do some support job at kitt peak. in other words, this front is an all or nothing situation; i could have no idea for months leading right up to the moment i catch sight of inspiration. then the quandary is forgotten.


5/1
this is a meta example... from my leadership yoga retreat chakra...

after the fourth repetition i began to feel that this was not a joke anymore and that the woman might have a mild autism. she said that i did not answer her call and then i also did not call her back. i replied that i did indeed call back but her brother answered the phone and told me that she was in the shower. she said that i did not call her back.

but she asked why i did not answer when she originally called. and i replied that i wanted to call her back so that she would not use all the prepaid money in her sim. she then refuted me by saying that i did not call her back. i thought she meant that i did not call back on the number she used to call me, so i said that i called back on her other number, the network in which i have a sim which had money on it, but her brother answered the phone and said she was unavailable. 

she asked me if i noticed how many times she called. i said, "about 20." (and it was actually 23, and i thought that was a slightly alarming because cambodian people sitting idle at work with no work to do will hit redial 20 or 3 times consecutively). but she replied, "you saw how many times i called but you did not call me back. i replied that those 20 calls were from the previous night. i did not know about those calls because the speaker on that phone is broken. the next day when she called again, i said that i signaled busy and then called from my other sim, the one that has some prepaid money on it. but her brother answered the phone. she then said that i did not call her back.

i persisted in thinking that she meant to say that i had not called back the number she called me on. didn't i explain that already? it would be nice to just go ahead and talk now, and forget this episode of mixed up cell phoning.

she then said that i had not answered her call and that i had not called back. is this the same episode but missing a catalog number? or are we still talking about the same transaction? she then said again that i did not return her call. i replied that i understood, and that i would make every effort to answer her call immediately at the next opportunity.

what did you want to talk about?

she then said that she had called me many times, that i did not answer, and that i did not call her back.

i felt day slipping away, only about 4 minutes into this conversation about a phone mishap and i suddenly felt all the air sucked out of the room. i attempted to divert us out of the roundabout. "what was it that you wanted to talk about when you called?"

she said that i did not answer. "i mean, why did you call?" she replied that she had called many times and then when i switched the phone to busy i did not then call her back.

at last i reached the physiological end of my psychological limits and terminated the transaction by stating firmly that i was busy with work and would have to hang up the phone.

she said that i did not call her back.

although i am supposedly out of that loop, i am still in that loop because i am now writing about it. is this the meaning of post traumatic stress? it's tricky. this pts can come from a missed phone call.

it's a meta example because it was annoying during the phone call, and it's also annoying writing about the annoyance during the phone. i still wonder if she was playing with me or serious, because she never broke the pattern. 

otherwise on this tedious monday i continued searching for a secret entrance or magic work to get access to this new stage of life, and i am still standing outside staring at a big blank wall.

i learned what "historiographic metafiction" means, because the book my favorite movie is based on is historiographic metafiction, and i am following all new avenues no matter how obscure in my search for something NEW.

i also got the audio book of that book, not the audio of the movie. oh they should have used the sound track from the movie in the audio book. 

and i read another page or two in mrs dillydally and learned that i have a few things in common with mrs woolf which did not surprise me at all. and another suicide in the 50s. emotional disturbance is like a severe obstacle course where everyone else is walking on the sidewalk enjoying the people-watching while you, only an arm's reach from them, are skating backward upside down on razor blades while nanobots eat your elbows.

"give suck" mr twatbone.


4/30/17
because he stopped meeting me, the laughter stopped, he never confided anything useful or inspiring, because he never replied to my messages. a month later, meeting along the roadside, he was polite but then mute man held fast his policy of silence. and now in concrete terms he is actually gone. and for this i am now actually glad and relieved, because there wont be anymore fraudulently polite meetings by chance. i would rather move on to the next one, as i would rather read a new book, a more interesting one in fact. i wrote several messages to ask if there was any problem that might be resolved, and when there was no reply whatsoever i even inquired of a mutual acquaintance about his health. that's why "former friend", and there's no benefit mentioning the name because similar occurrences were innumerable during my life, they come and go and are forgotten soon enough, and although our acquaintance was better than average for my enjoyment, it was not as nice as a sunset or a starry night. there was one anecdote he shared akin to generic news stories i've read, but he brought these stories to a personal level of detail, by which i mean tales of his patronage of brothels. there was just one in particular which i found fascinating and demoralizing, which was his story about a particular brothel where customers choose a ping pong ball and toss it at the woman desired and if she catches the ball then she will provide services to that customer. i don't know if such things exist in cambodia; i've never seen anything like it. but hearing his story translated unbelievable to believable, translated unfortunate incredible stories from news articles into unfortunate credible personal anecdotes, but only believable because the narrator has no equivalent creativity for invention, which made it useful to me as a document. i like knowing whether or not such stories are real, rare, or just gymnastics of a paid author of fiction. it was an unlikely friendship - with a  whom - i shared nothing in common other than a need to laugh in a disparaging world of blatant materialism and corruption. his girlfriend was the first source of annoyance. i translated them into an affair when otherwise they could not even speak. but she then proceeded to lie about everything from ants to shoestrings, and it appeared that she was either in denial of her miserable state of existence or perhaps deranged, a habitual liar. and i am unlikely to ever know which, and so as godel would say i got an ounce of answers and a pound of new problems. incompleteness. yes, it had varying effects, sometimes discouraging. but it also serves to focus my attention to what we should realistically expect from a "relationship" of any kind, especially that they should not last a long time, only in rare cases unknown to me except in my imagination. my focus now is toward relationships with clear benefit such as offering hope where hope is sought. for example there is a student i meet occasionally and it is all benefit and pleasant on both sides and there is not judgement, annoyance, nor any unrealistic expectation that i know. "former" certainly has private difficulties, but for whatever reason chose not to share any of it, and therefore another repetition of a friend floating under the bridge, or a spilled friend, certainly not a goose that lays a golden friend.

i hope it's apparent that i just really enjoy writing even without a subject of significance!

new topic: 
volunteer work should include replacing half the vodka with water in a bottle after the seal is broken, no matter how much remains; here is a backward benefit, a drunk that didn't happen to you and other people, or a diminished drunk. you may thwart a car accident and save lives! let's expand this idea with some tricks and tactics.
 
your husband, boyfriend, father, or priest may be aroused or entranced by a tv sports event or a sermon, and this distraction will conceal your program. after the drunk has drank from the bottle, he's less likely to notice a taste difference on the next drink, and this is increasingly true with the drunk. if possible, now is the time to first dump a few ounces in the sink or intermediate container such as your own glass of water and replace the vodka with water. if you can safely add white cider vinegar to make the drinker a little bit sick then add a few drops and you may also defeat the drunk entirely. 

but some part of this tactic must be tempered by your familiarity with the drunk. you certainly don't want to invoke a drunk's suspicion. but fiddle with the white liquors in the same way, gin, rum, tequila. now the bottles of colored liquor like rum, whiskey, and tequila, you may need to add some food coloring to cloak the water. next enjoy the freedom from the drunk or the reduced potency drunk, and meanwhile imagine creative new volunteer work to do in your community. a more ambitious project is the destruction of a bulldozer scheduled to destroy your favorite hiking area! look here for additional volunteer suggestions.

4/29
a former friend once asked me why i share my personal journal entries in a public forum. my answer was that i felt alone in my troubles, and therefore i suspected that another person out in cyberspace must feel a similar isolation. whenever i read the honest words of another i could relate and felt less lonely, and i learned something useful from what they shared. therefore i intend to share my ideas and with the same intentions. in any case there is no harm in it, as it's not required reading! but my former friend expressed that he would be embarrassed by such confessions. i think he was embarrassed on my behalf. occasionally i think it may be useful to mention that we can benefit enormously by sharing our experiences, but no one benefits from keeping them in the dark.

my point in this entry to is to discuss the idea of advancing on several fronts gradually and simultaneously, rather than focusing too much energy into one development. i will use my own efforts as example. i want to improve my breathing meditation technique to enjoy the benefits of relaxation, improve sleep to increase resting, improve nutrition, improve my exercise of patience (i will define my own idea of patience). i want to improve each of these a little bit at a time and simultaneously. during the two months that i practiced the breathing meditation i overcame an employment obstacle which bewildered me for two years. this i think is a result of such improvements.

i began this effort with breathing exercises and guided meditation. the objective is not to prevent upsetting thoughts right away, but to eventually make possible to experience any thoughts without disturbance. as the technique improves, previously upsetting ideas are no longer upsetting, because after all they are only ideas. i realized the immediate benefit that my sleep improved. i could sleep longer and fall asleep easily. my daily activities were likewise improved because i was more rested. 

this effort was motivated by an emotional disorder manifested in episodes where i would wreck my life and ruin relationships. the most recent episode was sufficiently disturbing that i determined to conquer this problem. (for my own purposes i will label this the gulia roberts episode, because my memory is haphazard, and i am likely to forget what i was talking about if too vague). there was absolutely no place remaining for me to escape to. no place left to hide from this problem.

although i made progress through the breathing meditation, it was like bailing water from a slowly sinking boat. a pound of cure for a pound of problem, grateful for the relief, but limited progress. the pessimistic or worrying imagination would return an hour after meditation. i sought a more permanent concept to remedy my emotional disorder. i set out to replace negative ideas with positive ones, thinking that there is only room in my conscious mind for this number of ideas per day. if i could literally crowd out the negative ideas by replacing them with positive ones then perhaps i could train myself into a completely new mindset.

i am still engaged in this effort as of the time of this writing. but the new progress i think is worth documenting. i received the suggestion that it's important to document where i came from in order to note my progress, and this is important to self encouragement. i've discovered in fact that this self encouragement is essential in the technique of replacing negative ideas with positive ones. it is a competitive process, because we are biologically more affected by negative experiences than positive ones, and the effects of negative experiences endure far long than positive ones. to keep it brief about m recent progress from there to here, six months ago it appeared to me that i was unemployable. now i have a completed several programming and research projects online, and my prospect has changed totally toward the positive. however, the emotional disturbance must be managed into the future.

the purpose of this journal entry is to explain that gradual progress on several points of development may actually be necessary. for example, it may be necessary to get sufficient sleep in order to achieve better results in meditation. the two methods are complementary and interdependent. this makes sense when i experience it, but it's difficult to realize without the effects of experience, and for this reason i believe that i may benefit greatly from a counselor, teacher, or coach who is familiar with applying these concepts.

another concept which i think is difficult to understand with theory alone and without exploration is patience. i think the exercise of patience is different for each individual because patience is a result than a concrete thing itself. it is a result of altering my usual reaction. for myself, patience is first of all the ability to delay my reaction. and most of my reactions arise from my emotional disturbance. whereas someone who is not inclined to react might define patience as the ability to remain calm while kids are screaming or there is loud construction work interfering with the classroom lecture. 

one of the ways that i discovered my own inherent emotional disturbance was by noticing repeatedly that i was bothered in a situation where others were not. why would my reaction be different than that of another? this is a complex subject, but to settle it briefly for now, there were two main categories of reaction. i was trained or trained myself unconsciously to react to certain situations habitually, (like people smoking, wasting food, polluting) in the same way, meaning that i would react without thought or creativity (to invoke flexibility and create new responses to usual stimuli is a healthier method of living life, i think). and secondly there were new stimuli which produced a natural, non mechanical reaction. sorting the stimuli and reactions into these categories made it possible to see my habitual reactions and identify my emotional sources, and those are the ones i will change through improvements described here. 

the distinction is that patience is not what we do, but it's a result. patience is not being calm, but instead calm is a result of delaying and altering reactions. when patience occurs as a result, things normally annoying are not even noticed! for me this is extraordinary. i know there were times when i was happy, excited about something great that just happened, and all the usually annoying stimuli faded completely from awareness. and this is also the experience of time passing without notice. it means we are engaged without distraction. that may seem like a separate subject, but when we are fully engaged in an activity we no longer notice the things that habitually stagnate us and make time appear to slow down.

as gradual developments in several areas are complementary, they also engender and inspire new and creative developments. for example, i began a new light exercise plan three months prior to the breathing program. i noticed right away that my desire to eat healthy food and to be more creative with food preparation improved within a week. however, these improvements did not directly improve my emotional issues. so i was searching but not diligently for a solution to the emotional disturbance when the gulia roberts episode happened. this episode inspired me to try something intensive and new. after i began the breathing program i noticed that i was much calmer and engaged in the processes of going to market and preparing food, working at my job, and balancing these activities so that i could achieve them in proportion simultaneously.

as an example, i found myself with a difficult quandary of work and finance. prior to the breathing and nutritional improvements i worried about the problem but really did not make progress toward a solution. as my practice of patience improved with the breathing, exercise, nutrition i began to behave differently and perceive options where i had not seen them before! anecdotes here are like fingerprints; my specific story is unlikely to be useful to another reader because you have a unique set of challenges. my problem is not challenging to you (this i know from vast experience, because when i tell people the things i have trouble with their reactions are that this is something trivial. but alternately, i notice that most people have trouble with things that come easily to me, like theoretical physics and algorithms).

i was walking around the lotus pond this morning and thinking about how people talk about productivity and always wanting to achieve and do useful activities. it occurs to me that a lot of clever and creative ideas arise from relaxation, play, meditation, and other things we do which are not thought of as directly productive.

i noticed that i am inspired to draw again and this new creativity is a result of emotional freedom. i found a novel which i would normally shred and throw out like confetti and i am entertained by this novel, enjoying the nuances of the author's creative writing. i've engaged in more social interactions. and all these results are likewise complementary and reinforcing to continue the healthful exercises.

i also want to mention since this is a journal entry about progress and problems, that i drank some excellent wine two nights in a row and this is an enjoyment which can get out of control. so i want to remember moderation. when i began the exercise program i stopped drinking altogether, and i've read that this is another arena wherein i need to replace one habitual behavior with a more positive one. i was drinking some tea or coffee to perk up and get motivated for the job search five months ago, but now i don't need that. the need is gone but the habit remains. this is an area that needs improvement as well.


4/13
a moment ago i caught myself probing around online banking sites. why am i doing this? every time i involve with money people in the usa there is trouble. eventually. but now i completed some work on a freelance site and the payment is in an escrow account until i transfer it or wire it somewhere. so i am in the miserable loop of bogus human "currency" once again. i grew up surrounded by these financial people and they among the people i've sought to escape. Yet their influence is everywhere. for example, all land is owned and there is no "where" to escape to. for practical purposes i have found a few escapes, and they are understandably temporary, as is everything else in life.

i just laughed for the first time today. that's a relief.

online bank with no address requires its account holders to have an address. they cannot stop a person from using a friend's address, so why require one?

4.11
Heart rate variability increases with joy and appreciation, decreases with anger and anxieties. Although my blood pressure and other signs were normal, my hrv showed anger or irritability! This clue and the advice of neighbor about the HeartMath Institute led me to discover methods of intentional improvements to heat health and emotional intelligence. 

Heart rate variability measured by phone camera.
http://www.marcoaltini.com/blog/heart-rate-variability-using-the-phones-camera


4/5/17

abstract 
google is not compatible with google. actually, google is perfect, but i am an idiot wearing a starfish bikini top invented suddenly when emerging from the primordial soup and realizing that i am naked (norbert).

full text
i only wanted to add a simple counter to this page to determine if anyone other than me opens it. simple is deprecated. nowadays the quickest way to learn how to do something is to google it. "how to add a visitor counter to a google site?" returned hits directing me to create a google tracking id for google Analytics. this is not going to be simple, but i will do it because i like to learn something new. i already have a google account, and i got the tracking id in a few seconds. i also got a script and an instruction to add the script to any page i want to track. next i googled "how to add a script to google site." the first advice was to insert an html box, and that does nothing at all. i tested that method with two scripts and neither worked. then, google has its own instructions about adding scripts to google sites. we must click the html button to the right of the editing tools and edit the page source to add a script. so i added the code google gave me to the google site and when i clicked the save button i got this message:
WARNING: Your HTML contains some tags that are not permitted. These have been removed from your changes.
and when i reopened the html page source view google had deleted not "some tags" but the entire script which google instructed me to paste to my google site. therefore, google is not compatible with google. some people at google are not in touch with some other people at google. don't misunderstand me; i love google. i am in awe of google's massive wherewithal. but here is a situation. 

i began this journal entry with the line, "this is going to be the most boring activity of my life." but that was incorrect, so i deleted it. it was boring to be sure. i wasted 40 minutes and now i am writing it up like someone needs a report. a year ago there were some google gadgets that added "hit counters" but they did not work consistently. google analytics is a sophisticated set of tools. but for me it's like using gps to map the route from my bedroom to my bathroom. estimated distance: 2 meters. estimated travel time: 2 seconds. "stand up. walk straight ... 2 meters. approaching destination... "
...
ten minutes later, i discovered the correct instructions to do this. no need to add any script for tracking google sites. perhaps my entire existence is deprecated. we only need to add the google tracking id to the statistics for the site. to be fair, here are the working instructions straight from google itself:
  1. Open your website in Google Sites. (sign in)
  2. Click More options More actions and then Manage site.
  3. Under "Statistics," click the drop-down menu, then click Use Universal Analytics.
  4. In the text box under "Analytics Web Property ID‎," paste in the copied, or otherwise type in, the Analytics account number for your Analytics account.
  5. At the top of the screen, click Save.
however, now i have sent "test traffic" to my site, and i have seen analytics open my site in a new window, and yet analytics claims my site has received no visitors:

Property Hit Volume

Last day: No hits

Last 7 Days: No hits

ahhhh the sense of satisfaction now.



3/31/17
already this morning i have accomplished extraordinary feats: i invented the kailua kondom, a hawaiian theme condom which looks like a minion with a coconut shell bikini top and a flower hat, which we use to dress and undress little brother for enticement leading up to the real pleasure actualization! my jolly friend doug insired me with this concept during a call where actualization is always beneath the surface of every topic.


and i constructed francophobic toast with cashews and honey in the kitchen, and immediately transferred that to my mouth for deconstruction...



Yesterday i successfully drank no wine. I retrofitted a pillow, ate appropriate food, formed body letters or yoga hieroglyphics, specialized in the subject of yesterday, meaning living for the day, achieved my research work,

 
now, compare the words laughter and slaughter, only differ by s, but radically diff pronunc, as I speak into this machine I realizedthat laughter and Slaughter are a challenge to speech rec.

how long have you been getting a divorce? we've been getting a divorce for approximately eight years, beginning with a set of unbelievable and wildly exaggerated promises which he made to me during dinner one night. a few months after that we had the divorce party two children, a pound of infidelity, some heated words scalded words actually, boiling words, and then a visit to an official who terminated the entire eight year divorce process with documents, and a rubber (stamp).

3/22/17
almost to phnom chisor, i noticed people circled around a crashed scooter. i pulled over as i saw a young man laying on the pavement and a pool blood. i told soapy to go ask if anyone called an ambulance. as i arrived beside the young man i could see a deep cut on his head and blood seeping out through thick hair. i sat down so that i could apply pressure to the wound and another spectator pointed to a larger wound on the back. a lot of blood was coming out. i asked soapy to get a scarf and she gave me a good long cotton scarf. i wrapped it around his head and cradled his head in a way to prevent him moving and kept pressure over the wounds just keeping the blood in. i asked other men to hold his legs still and prevent him from moving, because he wrestled with the pain in surges. and they had called the emergency vehicle and said it would come soon. sweat filled my eyes and burned but i could not release the man's head. i felt that every second keeping the blood inside was important. 10 minutes passed and other people brought an empty cement bag and covered the young man and leaves of tree branches, and they brought another one and held it over me for shade because it was a hot day in central cambodia and i was sitting on the hot pavement then 20 minutes. i used some alcohol wipes to clean blood from his face. i said again and again please help me keep him still. and they did. after 30 minutes another man came impulsively and suddenly lifted the young man up like a sack of potatoes. i said please keep him still until the vehicle arrives. soapy said they are not going to follow my directions. the vehicle arrived before the impulsive man could do additional stupid gestures. they got him inside and left. and we arrived at phnom chisor a few minutes later. 

the next day we were at the food sellers under phnom chisor and soapy talked to them. they said the young man was from their village, and the vehicle took him to "kalumeit" hospital for the scan and surgery. they had not yet heard news. we climbed the mountain and looked at the temple and the inscription about suryvarmandeva 1, and the next day in the evening we heard from them that the man had a successful surgery and would likely survive. they said i probably saved him from dying right on the side of the road. my spirits were lifted. i felt that i came there for a reason.

i never saw that much blood before. i have seen groups of people staring at an injured person before, and blood seems to scare them. soapy says they have no idea what to do. during the last minutes before the impulsive man came i kept my right hand near the young man's mouth because i could feel his breath more easily than his pulse. his pulse was faint. his breath was still strong. i did indeed say a sincere prayer to help this young man. i was determined to see him survive this. 

3/26/17 Stacking People
  People are easy to stack up.
Although people are strangely shaped, they are easy to stack one on top of the other! You just have to put them in boxes. And stack the boxes. Clever methods of stacking people are deployed in places where the surface of the Earth is expensive, such as in the above photo. Once inserted into boxes and stacked up to the sky, people are are much easier to manage. Why a free person would enter into this situation voluntarily is a mystery to me. 

Not only will people climb up into their boxes and do their work every day, but other people will build those boxes and stack them up for you to climb into. If you need to stand directly on the ground and feel blades of grass between your toes, or stand in the river and feel the slippery rock on the bottom of your foot, well, i suggest you remove yourself from this situation depicted in the above photo.


3/20/17

i baptized myself in tekchhou. i threw myself in the crystal clear water. it felt good. i want to do this every day.

I baptized myself fervently one time. I felt so good and happy that I decide to do it again and make a video. But when I returned home to view it, both videos from the river wold not open. If I broke an important rule during my baptism I thought maybe Jesus was telling me so. 

i met the pastor of lina's church, myoung jin. she was friendly.

i ate a whole papaya. they just play bingo now. i poot my pants. after. 

"chan." no emotion. yes and no and i don't know. black eyes blank face. zero tone voice. human. 13 years old. 

sediment oxygen demand. oxygen demand. eating crickets on road 60. fishing with papaw. shor's algorithm. momix and pilobolis. truffles and le borsin. fine slabs of rubble.

new hormones and a wave of unfamiliar feelings. torture inside cool outside. she told me a story which seemed impossible, factually and with absolute certainty, never hesitating, never a smile, no indication of connecting to another person. she hides everything. if she ever cared about anything no other human ever knew. chan, the antithesis of nary.

bbq rubber dash spot.

i came to meet chan's older sister, "oun." to ask if she was feeling better, and bring a present to cheer her up. i was worried. she sounded hopeless on the phone yyyyyyyyyyyyesterday. "where's your sister?" i don't even have to type her replies. they're all in the first paragraph.

chan invented a story. "she went to the city. to work in a factory." she has no phone. no address. we don't know the name of the factory nor where it's located. my mother is buying crabs. she told me to call you and tell you not to come but you did not answer the phone.

30 minutes later chan's mother arrived on a bike with a basket full of crabs. oun did not go to the city. she is at the neighbor's house. she said teacher lie.

20 minutes more she is walking toward us taking every possible detour, hesitating.

she had a breakdown. like mine 10 days ago.

she hid me in the tiny hut and pulled my foot away from the door. don't let the neighbors see. i was on display on the front porch like a spaceship arrived from saturn i think it's too late to hide me from the neighbors.

chan made up a story. i don't blame her.

rikkenoot.

i gave her the gifts. she took the little phone. she asked for the smart phone. surprising. said she was going to stay with me tomorrow. i had to invent reason to delay. 

i stopped to buy water on the way out and the neighbor said your girlfriend is already married. the same story chan told me 100/10 days ago. do they live together? yes. they ride to work together every morning. what's his name? i don't know. 

what cha? i am lost. can you tell me the way? they lie. they don't want me to marry a foreigner. but they seem to have all coordinated the same lie very accurately. i can't say this part in khmer language, nor can anyone else. these people are not analytical.

one croc under the hut. and other garbage.

the previous week I had an uncontrolled episode.

she told me that Oun left for the city. 

i baptized myself in tekchhou



3/19/17
strategies for troubled breathing during meditation:

1. inhale slowly, smoothly, and deeply, and exhale the same way. 
( i counted 6 seconds in and 7 out. if an idea is bothering me, i lose my focus and my breath becomes short. it could be a disturbing event from the day or a fear of tomorrow. for me personally, this is an emotional problem which i will discuss more after this outline.)

2. during this 13 seconds i created a new positive concept on each breath. examples:

a. nary says she is not hopeful to study at university because her family are poor. i want to encourage her to find a scholarship because she is smart. the point is to encourage her. not to worry about scholarships, but to promote hopefulness.

b. use every opportunity to spread hope.

c. search for new experiences and new ideas. update old ideas to cancel prejudice. 

d. old concepts need replacing with new experiences to keep life fresh and flowing.

e. remember to reward self or credit for achievements. this is important.

f. knowing is not the same as living wisely. repetition is essential to changing habits. reward yourself and recognize your progress. know where you started to see how far you've come. keep a journal or tell a loved one in an email or by phone. don't think this is silly or absurd. we need each other's support. it's natural.

g. practicing breathing correctly improves the ability, like exercise improves fitness.

h. reduces destructive ideas and actions. replaces negative impulses with healthy. (see terrible true story that happened when i failed to manage my emotions.)

*** if unable to keep calm focus, notice if very thirsty or other immediate need. ***

3. i found the breathing combined with the creative challenge very relaxing.

4. i fell asleep. this may not be the goal of meditation, but i wanted to sleep.

5. breathing itself will improve emotional health, even if not perfect, it helps.

1. every action is new, even if it feels like repeated action. but this effort builds healthier habits and replaces negative impulses with more affirming ones.

2. earth and sun have never been exactly here in the universe. everything is new. find the new experience!

3. new info cancels old prejudice.

4. breathing makes feet feel like massage!

(some of these ideas are not in a very clear order. that's ok for now.)

my specific emotional problem - the distinction between average and problematic

i'm going to repeat the same idea in several different phrases to get the idea across. my emotional lanscape is not equal to the situation at hand. i feel disturbed when there is nothing wrong (i would search for something wrong, like environmental pollution, to be upset about, and then it seemed to me that i was upset because of environmental pollution. but that was a mistake interpreting my own emotions. [of course environment problems are upsetting but in this situation i got a chicken hatching out of NO egg.] ) people think they have made me angry by saying something i don't like. it's not the case. i am disturbed, but not because of what they said. i have these emotions no matter what happens.

someone finally noticed an example. i was unemployed for months, but when i got a new job i did not seem relieved or happy. it's rare that another person understands my emotional problem. she could see that my emotions did not match the new situation. i did not feel better. i've gone through many stages of coping and not coping with this emotional problem all my life. i recently read a diagnosis of this problem, but i will not mention the name of the diagnosis here, because each individual must come to the realization of self. others may offer ideas and point in directions of psychotherapy. but one can only make this discovery solo. 

i discovered that i can stop the disturbing emotions with deep breathing. with this new freedom from my own emotional upset, i had time to think clearly. i am on the point of recognizing which emotions are appropriate, and how to ignore the emotions that are broken, dysfunctional. however, these techniques do not work every time i try them. today for example, i could not sustain my breathing meditation. so i wrote these ideas to stay aware of what's happening. i wrote the steps above, hoping to improve and clarify them.

nearly two years ago, i set about making a slide show of beautiful relaxing pictures accompanied by soothing music to help me relax, because i was troubled. i could only sleep by taking 10 mg of diazepam. so tricky is my dysfunctional emotional state, that i soon attached painful emotions to those pictures and music! if i have a painful emotion while laying on the beach looking at the sea, it is confusing. it will make me think that laying on the beach is "boring" and i don't want to do that. at that time i was not aware that my emotions are sticky and get attached to things, memories, and people. although i had happy experiences with a person i was in a relationship with, i would generally remember the painful breakup circimstances.

travel is an example where i am face to face with my emotions and there is nothing to distract me. driving for many hours across country to visit exciting places in new mexico, arizona, california, i would have terrible emotional attacks where i feared my grandfather would die while i was out exploring and i would never see him again. i would turn the car around and drive all the way back to north carolina in 20 hours. often times when people tell me i am a smart or intelligent person i reply that if i were smart i would have solved this problem 20 years ago. and then this emotional problem inclined me to self-deprecation. i began to dread the long hours face to face with self, and i began to say that i liked visiting new places but disliked travel, which sounded like a joke to friends who know that i love abstract humor.

to conclude this section, i have sought to illustrate the problem for which i use the above method of breathing meditation. the purpose is to relax from the difficult feelings long enough to get perspective. to see what average looks like. to distinguish average from problematic. on average you can trust your emotions to provide adequate feedback about the environment. i cannot trust my emotions. my emotions tell me there is trouble when there is no trouble.

terrible true story of unmanaged inappropriate emotional impulse!

this is an embarrassing story but i believe we need to share this things to understand each other. fell in love with a girl. fell in love once and almost completely. you know how that feels? that crazy love? it's like a drug they say. i was in love with a woman and i thought my emotions were real about this situation. it was a crazy situation. we were just getting into it when she suddenly told me that her mother engaged her to marry another man. we did not talk for a month. people at work told me she was already married to him. my chest was tense and i did not know whether to be hurt or angry. i was confused.

then one day i met her by chance. she started crying and telling me that she missed me. that her mother knew she loved me and not the other man. then we started meeting secretly. we made a plan to run away together because she wanted to escape her family and the other guy. we had many secret meetings and i got more attached to her. but at the same time i knew something was wrong. her stories did not make sense. because i have a long history of emotions that get me in trouble, i have to analyse information to get clues about how i "should feel." but this doesn't work very well. it's like a kid who has no sense of temperature and is always burning himself because he cannot guess that something is hot.

one day i spontaneously went to her village and as i approached her house i could see her sitting on the front porch with all her family eating lunch with her new fiance. so i said hello calmly and sat down. they were all wondering what craziness was going to be unleashed. i said the new couple looked sharp, and then i asked her mother if she would help me find a new girlfriend. everyone burst into laughter. they were relieved that i came to have fun and not to deliver mayhem. but i could she my girlfriend was not happy.

the next week we met again and she went through all sorts of explanations that he just came suddenly and ate with them. she was not living with him. she loved me and not him. the medicine on his chest was applied by her sister and not by her. she was going to get her last pay from work and run away with me. i was ok for the moment. i was relieved just to hear her say she loved me.

the following week we planned to meet, something went wrong and she didn't show. i went to her village and found on one home. my emotions were exploding out of control.

*** this is the crucial point about my emotions. although it may sound so some readers like i was embroiled in this love madness and my actions were understandable, i think the average person will see that my emotional instability enabled this mess, and that on this particular day i could have gone to the beach and read a book and relaxed, instead of attaching my emotions to the activities at her village, which were not even related to me.

so i sat on her front porch just suspened emotional energy. then her neighbor came down the road. she said, "what are you doing here again, she is married already." then her sister came up on a bike. i said look, tell me once and for all is she married already? her sister said yes. i said are they already living together? she answered yes. i was going mad. i said show my which house they live in. she pointed to a house. i said let me confirm with you (because i am fluent in this language but it's not english i can't believe my ears.) she repeated it and said yes they live together just like married.

then i asked some of the neighbors. they confirmed. then her mother came home and denied that they lived together. she said she did not receive the dowry yet. they did not have the ceremony yet. then SHE came home and was quite disturbed that i came and stirred everyone up. she said the neighbors lie because they hate foreigners and they are also jealous of her because a foreigner loves her, so they try to ruin it. she said her sister confused my question. she thought i meant in the future after they get married because it's a presumption since they are engaged. then her mother agreed to let us be together and to cancel the engagement with the other man. it was like a nightmare. i could not believe so many people could change so many stories so fast. but they did. 

i should never have gone there. but my emotions were out of control and i did not know it.

to control the emotions, to manage them, one must know that it's not the situation that needs managing - it's the emotions that need managing!

as of today, i have this terrible memory of going to that village and creating such a weird situation that people just lied out of control to manage it. now i have no idea what the real story is. every week the woman has some new drama to add to the confusion. one thing i know. if i ever have an impulse to follow up i will think about the possibility that my emotions are too strong. i will check it.



3/3/17
if you want to ride Burnt Ranch in a six foot playboat you CAN do it. 

2/25/17
i replaced another faucet in my 'guesthouse' today, and thus felt a deep and enduring sense of accomplishment. a few minutes later i was thinking how good a knife in my throat would feel. but while i was installing that piece of plumbing, boy, i was a satiated soul. 

today an unreliable lying whore failed to show up for our labial examination appointment, and also failed to achieve the modicum of politeness to pick up a phone and send me an sms that she would blow me off. but hey! that's what blowing people off means right!? here is a peculiar notation used when annotating games of the highest order of fuck-up: a fascist will make a move like 15.Ne2!? and get pummeled. now what? how about a bottle of tequila? yes. that's the answer to all my ho.

i should mention the good counsel of a mischievous mofo. and a kind landlord who extended $2 usd for my brief assistance as pretend plumber for 5 minutes. a neighbor who scraped me for a trinket fell short. dollop of trollop. good evening.

2/24/17
beauty may be in the 'eye of the beholder' but the penis of the beholder may disagree with the eye. men, i am prepared to tell you that it is perfectly natural to find yourself with a woman you are not attracted to. i mean you can go through the courtship ritual only to discover under duress that the staff are asleep at work. although many people have told me that i am an idiot and even retarded, like a person exposed to agent orange (2,4,5-T and 2,4-Dhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agent_Orange),  i am still trying to learn life's simple lessons the hard way [sic]. 

viagra will not save you from this enemy, yourself. don't feel obligated to read this. you can close the tab at any time. no matter how conventionally beautiful your brain tells you the woman is, the truth is going to be a bitch. 

and then of course, the woman you have great sex with, your brain is saying she's not 'conventionally attractive.' oh this is horse shit. this is the kind of journal entry i write 'the day of,' and then someone says 'i can't believe you write about that publicly.' i know a lot of 'public' places where no one goes but me, and this website is one of them. i just enjoy writing, but in reality i delete these journal entries almost as fast as i write them.

fuck me.


2/22/17

it's official: the most important information you need is not available. you will have to steal it.

kids, check it out. brave people have moments of fear. the strongest people cry and laugh in measures balanced according to life's hour of pain and minute of joy. loyal people conceal an infidelity, because life is complicated. honesty is an ideal that will distort your concept of reality. it does not exist.

in a rare accident, you will discover what another person really thinks about you. a letter she wrote about you, intended for another person's eyes, falls under your eyes in a twist. people wont tell you; you'll hear it from another. or not at all.

this means every person you fear probably fears you too. when you walk down pub street you see everyone dancing and conclude that all the world is happy but you? nope. 99% of people are home alone, or with family, sick, or exhausted with human bullshit, reading a novel to get lost in another story, or a psychology book to sort out human bullshit, or probing online dating sites for a person to fantasize love with, or just bored. don't be fooled by the drama of others. trust your own intuition. build on your own beliefs, learn and grow. NO other person can teach you, except by unfortunate example. 

if you really love her, you are blind. she loves someone else the way you love her. but don't be angry, because that guy she loves... he loves someone else too. it's a never ending tragic ending. 

why does all this human bullshit continue? it's call competition, and it goes to the core of every living organism. competition drives every action. if you think i have something to sell, do you see any ads on this page?

fuck. phuck. phuk. fuk. 

perhaps some are attracted to science because there is comparatively less bullshit and conniving and misinformation than in fields like politics and marketing. i am reading the indian myth about 'churning the sea of milk' and there is actually more like a sea of bullshit surrounding this story. surprisingly it's not only because it's a religious topic that it warms up peoples' bullshit factories; it's also a matter of 'national pride' to khmer people who seem to think this is their own home grown legend (it came from india, like their architecture, writing system, and everything else except the beer and broken school system.) why be surprised that everything is from india? khmer people didn't even have a writing system until indian merchants came up the mekong. but i digress. today i am on the subject of human bullshit. i am so exhausted with listening to peoples' bullshit and horse shit!


2/15/17 កំពត 
+ can i convert the montreal interview into a skype interview? replied email as such.
+ image search app. 'best guess = leaf' not adequate. 'person'
+ danny found, i corrected error in jungle boy site.
+ soapy ride moto to kampot.
+ do:
alan watts lectures, soapy record stories, plant seeds, lnk/start virus, 

2/9/17 កំពត 
+ working to complete khmer-english parallel stories project. https://sites.google.com/site/englishkhmerstories/
need add pages to jungle boy, and voice rec for speckled and 4-leg
+ nearly finished wa's web scraper project. added to book requests vb.net app.
comm not so good because she is very busy.
+ fiddler proxy debug  (used to hack candy crush years ago.)
+ sopheary is in ratanakiri to explore her land there.
+ i have two months remaining on my visa, and need to research new work/residences.
+ topics:
+ priv/pub key encrypt for danny.
+ download movies: the fall 2006, chumscrubber
+ gaea waste co. cambodia.  INFO. privat waste $1.5 per house?? SR base.
+ example: http://www.w3schools.com/sql/sql_injection.asp
+ fiddler web proxy was used to crack candy crush.
+ hindi story "chess players" copied to my page
+ martin girl tuberculosis (2 months already on 6 to 9 months meds  isoniazid (INHrifampin (RIF) ethambutol (EMB)
+ rumbling sea of milk book, site with similar content. កូរ​សមុទ្រ​ទឹកដោះ
+ alphabay? through tor only. review site elements.






















"Theuth, my paragon of inventors, the discoverer of an art is not the best judge of the good or harm which will accrue to those who practice it. So it is in this: you, who are the father of writing, have out of fondness for your off-spring attributed to it quite the opposite of its real function. Those who acquire it will cease to exercise their memory and become forgetful; they will rely on writing to bring things to their remembrance by external signs instead of by their internal resources. What you have discovered is a receipt for recollection, not for memory. And as for wisdom, your pupils will have the reputation for it without the reality: they will receive a quantity of information without proper instruction, and in consequence be thought very knowledgeable when they are for the most part ignorant. And because they are filled with the conceit of wisdom instead of real wisdom they will be a burden to societY. "

and now for a quote of my own. "It is the power of a truth, an unequivocal truth which is overwhelming to the senses, and it is not the strength of an honest person, which brings about honesty."  by this I mean to say that there are ordinary daily events which are uninspiring.  but once in a lifetime or if we are lucky twice or thrice there  arises a monolithic reckoning. a reckoning which overpowers the daily trifling of decision making, one which takes A powerful life of its own. One which decides for us, rather than waiting for us to decide for it. And if we are aware, and if we pay homage to this, we begin to understand that our decisions R but standing upon a whale and fishing for minnows.  that recognition is a marvelous view into the depth of our reality. And the best example is a love which overpowers everything else in the our lives.

December 2014 update....

life is a puzzle, but only in the sense that people created the puzzle. There is no Real Puzzle. Everything is exactly as it should be.  mystery is a matter of creativity.

this website is about my projects, most of which are in Cambodia. At the top of the list in the left hand column is my most recent project. This is a parallel reader which is intended especially for my students who want to study English, but it may also be used by foreigners in Cambodia who would like to study Cambodian language. The format is line by line parallel English and Khmer.

the 2nd heading is   sCAMBODIA, and this contains many articabout about corruption, fraud, and an assortment of scams operated by all sorts of people in Cambodia. This is intended to serve as a warning to visitors whether tourists or NGO workers or volunteers of any kind, to inform them that most of their donations of work time money books and other resources are being exploited or stolen and resold. This phenomenon is documented in general and a recent film called povert inc.

next in the column are listed links to my own art and fiction. This is intended for entertainment purposes folly enjoyment mirth weirdness craze and self embarrassment.

finally under the random heading you will find A perfectly random assortment of weird editorial political commentary song lyrics non fiction stories from my life and even a commentary about the Sanskrit origin of the Cambodian language.



June 2014, i was visiting a friend's mother's farm, i met a boy named "sein" (picture below.)  while i stayed at the farm he took me along to bring the cows to fields to graze, and to a stream to drink.  he told me that he was 13 and that he had to drop out of school in grade 3 to work on the farm.  he told me that he really wanted to go to school but had no way.  he was strong and had a big smile.  at the grass hut where he lives nowith his grandmother, i found a grade 3 textbook he brought with him from the far village where his parents live.  he was hoping to study again, but found no school at his new home....   
   
along the way sein stopped and introduced me to some neighbors.  most of them had a very  sad story to tell.  their village leader had tricked them into selling their land because the government wanted to build an airport there.  it was just another land scam to lease farmland to foreign companies.  now all the neighbors are tenant farmers.  their kids have no school.   

a more regular fraud or land scam is operated by the Apsara Authority around the Siem Reap area.  They frequently sell land within their jurisdiction, to unsuspecting buyers who hope and intend to build a house on the land. but after the sale is completed, the builders learn that the authourity has the power to deny them the ability to build a house on the land. Then the buyer has no choice but to turn around and sell the land for a loss because the land is worthless.  Apsara Authority perpetrated this fraud on the poor family of a friend recently (December 2014).

what reached me deeply was the positive spirit of sein.  the other kids in the area did not look so positive.  sein had a very special gift for staying positive.  he told me stories on the way and asked me if i could swim before we crossed the stream.  he was worried about me!

please contact me at: dinosaur_eggs@yahoo.com



previous update... january 24, 2014

firebugpenalty is my journal, a place where I put my personal creative writing, and random thoughts, as well as writing drawn from my personal history, experience, and research.  The "Home page" is now dedicated to my new volunteer project in cambodia, "sein and friends."  iI hope to begin this project in early 2015, and i am already beginning planning.   

the articles under "sCAMBODIA" are the result of my experience working on educational and humanitarian projects in Cambodia for more than two  years (i have now worked and lived as a resident of cambodia for almost a year volunteering only part time.)  zRANDOM contains articles about the 2nd amendment, human evolution, and other random subjects.  zART contains my recent drawings (mid to late 2013.)

"uncertainty" is an autobiographical story about my experience with the pretense of education and the government's corruption of education in cambodia.  coupled with "foreign_husband," these two stories form a good introduction to the other articles under sCAMBODIA.  the link titles in the left column are abbreviations of the actual titles.

below this text are some pictures i dre
in early 2013, after my main volunteer project ended.  it was a time of social isolation in the city of siem reap.  what is real, and what is not real?  if you dwell in the "field of opposites" as joseph campbell called it, this site will be confusing.  i have tried to remain anonymous, but there may have been moments of mental fugue wherein i forgot my plot and signed my name.  
 
                            
 
Tuesday, December 17, 2013.                    scambodia

     

     

     

     

     

     


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