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In February 1998 Bow Locks spent a day behind the scenes of The Big Breakfast to find out what made Denise Van Outen tick.
It's 4.30am on a freezing Friday in February at the Lock Keeper's Cottages deep in Hackney Wick. If that sounds in any way pleasant let me correct the impression. A small cluster of electric lights dot the vast industrial wasteland. As the grey light comes up, shining over broken cement and rusty steel, the Old Ford Lock is revealed under its coating of litter. The icy wind bites through the muggy central heating in a crowded room that doubles as a conference centre and a canteen. Woolly hats, trainers and paper cups of coffee are the order of the day as some 25 people scrape chairs around the table. We are at The Big Breakfast production meeting, and today's producer, Nicholas Steinburg, is taking presenters and crew through a script that will be subject to change up to and after the minute they go on air at 7am. From then on the pace is frantic, the hullabaloo terrific and anything can happen.
"We've got Usher and Cleopatra on today," says Steinburg, "We've got an interview with Craig Charles and an item on pushy stage mothers. It's going to be a bit like the Royal Variety Show - but no Queen. On the other hand I'm here, so we're halfway there."
He takes the team through the show, item by item. "…Item 5. We have a bra at the ready, but the choirboy's gone and the melons have been disallowed. From the top."
At this point Denise rises in her chair by pulling her chin out of her zip, and visibly brightens. "Ooh! Can't I have them standing by?" she pleads, with a gurgle of laughter. "With the bra! Go on!"
"What's the rubber seagull for?" Johnny wants to know. "We're not going to do anything silly are we?" With an expertise born of daily practice, he targets an apple core at the metal trashcan. Bullseye.
"That's it," says the producer, winding up. "Just don't peak at item five."
After that, for Denise, it's into hair and makeup with Neil Rothwell, her personal artiste. "Monday, first day in, I might keep my trousers on, But by Tuesday the tiara's on, the heels are on and the tits are out! Today she's had rummage with Su Judd - mummy wardrobe, and wears a pink dress scarcely larger than a bathing suit, a lace cardie, and spike-heeled pink, leopard-print peep toe mules. Her fingernails are metallic pink and she wears a necklace that spells out 'sexy' in candy-coloured rhinestones. Johnny Vaughan, in jeans, feet on the sofa, looks over the top of his idiot cards and utters his habitual greeting. "Going to a party?" Denise grabs at his ancient trainers. "Return of the classics! Aren't these," she demands of the floor manager, "the most disgusting shoes you've ever seen?"One of The Big Breakfast's most popular recent items dealt with scrapings from inside the crew's trainers. The cultures were grown inside a lab for a week. On the day they showed the results 800,000 teenage voices all over Britain rose to the skies in a universal "Eaaaach!"By 6.15am, crew and guests are milling about in the limited space afforded by the House, the original 1930's lock-keeper's cottages nightmarishly decorated in cartoon mode and kindergarten colours. In a corner of the lounge, Cleopatra are being rehearsed by their mum. The kitchen is blocked by Usher's bodyguard, a human mountain with an eyepatch, trilby and cashmere coat. Rubber cables snake across the kaleidoscopic interiors: lime green and purple sofa, turquoise and marigold florals, orange gonk fur and red plastic grass with tinsel. Linton's monitors are everywhere reproducing and further complicating the scene.Suddenly, without any appreciable change in intensity, there's a blast of music and it appears the show's on air. There are no preliminary red lights, no shouts of "Rolling!" or "Everybody quiet please!" It's hard to know where to stand to be off screen, or when to stop chatting. Murmuring to each other, uttering ragged cheers or groans at each item, the crew shuffle and tramp casually from room to room after the presenters.
The show's all entertainment, with news items that fall short of international or even national significance: "In Amsterdam airport, the targets painted on the men's lavatories have cut floor washing bills by half." There are prizes for the newspaper pun of the week. Denise does an interview with Usher whose fans can be heard screaming on the far side of the perimeter fence. For the presenters this isn't the only noise as they have to cope with the open talkback. Through their earpieces Johnny and Denise constantly listen to a cacophony of voices while hosting the show. There's the production assistant talking back to channel 4 cueing for advert breaks. There's the producer (Ed Forsdick) telling the presenters of last minute changes the items (and also telling Johnny to stop talking and get on with it!) And finally the director talking to the four cameramen, sound and lighting.
At nine the show goes off air and the first stop for the Crew is the canteen for eggs, bacon sausage, baked beans and instant coffee. By this time most of the team have already put in a six hour day. And the stress occasionally gets to them. It was here that ex-host Vanessa Feltz famously poured a plate of baked beans over the executive producer. After breakfast the crew return to the House to prerecord items for future shows and shoot any publicity shots required. Despite the early mornings Denise still finds time to enjoy herself. She is close friends with a number of celebrities including Louise, Posh Spice Victoria Adams and Dani Behr. "I'll have them over at the weekend and we sit there, getting through the bottle of wine. We'll have a Wham! Weekend bring our CD's over and talk about George." On the way back from a club recently Denise and cockney Vicky held up a kebab shop. "We were really drunk. We were dancing round our handbags all night. We got so hot, Vicky took off her American Tan tights. Then we decided on the way home that we were hungry, so I tied her tights over my head and we swaggered up to the counter and said "Give us a shish and a donner!" The poor little Greek guy panicked and dropped everything. I was trying to tell him it was only a joke but I'd tied the tights on so firmly that I couldn't get them off. God! I hope he didn't have a security camera or I'll be seeing myself on Crimewatch!" Then there was the time that she stole a box of tissues from Buckingham Palace - they were returned of course. It is now 2.30pm, Denise has put in 11 hours of professional flirting. The day isn't over yet. The crew are leaving the building in ones and twos sending icy draughts up our backs as the doors swing open. Denise is about to head off for rehearsals to her new show Babes in The Wood, she was working until 6.30pm yesterday. "Do you know what I'd love to do. I'd like to spend the next six months just going out for loads of dinner dates. I'm 23, I just want to be wined and dined for a bit, have some fun." But for Denise there's still a car ride home, a hot bath, the cooking and washing up before she can go to bed at 8.30pm. Tomorrow she's recording her ITV sitcom 'Babes' before being back at lock keeper's cottage on Monday. A very average day for an unaverage girl…
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