Boundaries are the places where we meet other people.  They may define the physical, emotional, or spiritual spaces where we choose to engage with others.  Boundaries keep us safe, grounded, and present in our interactions.  Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a skill that requires practice and tact.  Here are some ideas as to how you can work on developing this skill:

Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. Identify your limits:

• Understand what you can and can’t tolerate both in others and in yourself

• Remember that we each have our own personal limits

• You do not need to show up to every fight you are invited to

2. Be aware of your feelings:

• Feelings, particularly discomfort and resentment, are cues. If you are in an interaction and notice your distress is high you may be letting go of your boundaries or you may need to reinforce your boundaries.

• Notice when and where you feel exhausted, drained, unable to focus or pulled into something of which you do not want to be a part.

• Recognize and honor your feelings

  • How do I feel? Is this my stuff? Or their stuff?

3. Be direct and clear:

• Communicate without blaming, accusing, or engaging in retaliatory actions/statements.

• I feel __________________ when you ___(action)_____________. I need you to ___(solution)________so we can ___(mutual goal)____________

• “I need to stop you here” or “I am not engaging in this discussion/action/behavior”

4. Give yourself permission to get your needs met

• It is not your job to make everyone feel comfortable at all times

• Focus on your health rather than on what the other person might think or do. You can only control your own reactions not the other person.

• Boundaries are appropriate and part of self-care

5. Look for relationships that sustain you

• Relationships should be sustainable and reciprocal

• Remember there are different types of relationships.  You do not need to be BFFs or to get along with everyone you meet.

6. Prioritize Self-Care

• Take care of yourself first.  If you do not care for yourself you can easily fall into unhealthy patterns and situations

7. Support Systems

• Look for people that will help you to set and follow through on healthy boundaries. This is not the same as finding people to agree with your complaints or to join a campaign against others.  Instead, you are looking for people to help you be accountable and to maintain healthy boundaries.

• Seek outside support from mentors, family, friends, faculty, counselors, etc. 

Adapted using the following references:

Indiana University-Purdue University-Fort Wayne (IPFW; n.d). Setting boundaries with difficult people. http://new.ipfw.edu/affiliates/assistance/selfhelp/relationship-settingboundaries.html

Tartakovsky, M. (2016). 10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 30, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/