Dreams

By Holly McClure

I have been having dreams again: 

The ones that I have trouble distinguishing 

From the real world and the world. 

That appears when I close my eyes. 

I wonder if they are real, 

Not in this world, but in another: 

An alternate universe that I glimpse into 

And live out in my sleeping state. 

These dreams worry me when I wake. 

I worry that the people in them know 

About the fears I have of them 

That manifests in these unwanted dreams. 

I worry that if they knew about my fears, 

They would grow cold towards me. 

Cold like the winter nights that protect me 

From these unpleasant nightmares. 

Nightmares that leave me in sweat, 

Triggering more unpleasant topics 

To arise in them, and taunt me. 

I find it comforting for my mind to go black, 

With no dreams arising, just a darkness 

That swallows all of this negativity. I wonder 

If there is an afterlife, and if there is, if it's this 

State of calming blackness. If so, Maybe, 

When I die, I can finally feel eternal comfort and peace. 

Maybe these unpleasant dreams are there to make me 

Grateful for the darkness? The only darkness in my life 

That has ever made me feel safe. The darkness 

That protects me from the darkness in my mind, and 

The darkness in my life that has left my life 

Marked with trauma and hurt, inspiring these 

Fears of people in me, and therefore placing 

These dreams in my mind terrorizing me 

Year after year, night after night, dream after dream 

Until the darkness finally swallows them, 

Ensuring my safety, peace, and comfort 

In my final, permanent rest.