The Most Magical Consumers on Earth

By Remy Gorski

The economic crisis we are experiencing in the United States is irrelevant to one specific group: the Disney Adults. Despite inflation, debt, and the rising cost of living, they somehow always have the money to spend on park tickets and Mickey-shaped pretzels. Disney adults are a perfect example of consumerism, proving money can buy happiness, as it only costs a flashy, sequin-covered pair of Mickey Mouse ears and a custom MagicBand.

Disney Adults are some of the most devoted people out there; traveling long distances to see the parks in Florida, California, and even internationally. Once at the park, they must immediately head into the nearest gift shop to find the most obnoxious-looking pair of Mickey ears available. After adding the ears to their already over-the-top outfit, they then navigate to a nearby restaurant with a line of twenty-five others waiting to spend $17 on a Mickey-shaped waffle. Unfortunately, the $350 Lightning Lane pass did not work for the food line, but it will for their next stop – Space Mountain! As they breeze past and condescend all other guests in the ninety-minute-long line, they spot a hidden Mickey and make it their mission to let every single person in the line know. After the two-minute long ride, they find the next attraction and continue the cycle until closing, at which point staff must remove them from the park by force.

While most Americans are spending their money on bills, rent, and necessities, Disney Adults are spending their money on something way more exciting: temporary happiness and a longing for eternal youth. As soon as they drive under the massive Walt Disney World archway, their grasp on the real world slips, and they become hypnotized by the smell of fried food and the screaming of children, also known as “Disney Magic.” With every purchase of a bubble wand or Mickey-shaped treat, a part of the Disney Adult is healed. They are telling themselves that spending $400 per day is to make them feel young again, when truthfully, they are trying to escape the reality that having a 9 to 5 is much more boring than acting like a 5 year old. Disney feeds off of their nostalgia and continues to roll out more and more merchandise to end up collecting dust in themed bedrooms all across America. But who cares? What is one more stuffed character from one of the twenty movies released that year? Perhaps the Disney Adult can cuddle them to sleep, reminiscing the days of lost childhood, when the only financial concern they had was not having enough lunch money rather than having life-binding annual passes that are putting them in debt.

Just when you thought the Disney adults were obnoxious enough in person, wait until you see the impact they have on social media. Just three scrolls through their Instagram page would make you think they were worshiping some god, not a mouse. Every “fit check”, ride review, and “moment that felt like Goofy’s yell” video I see follows with an inspirational caption about “seeking out your inner child”, as if Goofy’s bellow is an anthem of self-discovery and purpose. Their reposts folder is flooded with countless fireworks, $100,000 Cinderella Castle weddings, and hidden Mickey videos. Their For You Page is not any better. It consists of completely made-up park facts, new fan-made Etsy merchandise (that Disney will end up suing over), and Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boutique transformations on little kids, which even I can admit are a little cute. I am questioning whether a trip to the parks is for enjoyment or just another payment from TikTok. Every selfie in front of Cinderella’s Castle or Go-Pro video is proof that the real attraction is not Tron, it is the money and attention.

At the end of the day, Disney Adults prove that money can buy happiness. Who needs to be a responsible adult when you can just run around waving a plastic wand all day? They are living proof of consumerism. Maybe they are in debt, or their houses are filled with a hoard of character mugs, but at least they are happy and their bellies are full of churros. And in any case, Mickey Mouse is on their Disney Visa card, and who cares that it is racking up unimaginable debt because they are getting park perks with it! In a world full of financial struggle, maybe we should learn from Disney Adults and realize that if life ever gets depressing, you can always take a trip to The Most Magical Place on Earth!