Actus

AT RISE: Stage empty. PIERRETTE enters. She is a buxom lady of determined mien and indeterminate age. Her skirts are long and full, a biddy cap covers her tightly drawn-back hair. She is followed by a reluctant PIERROT.

[She points gleefully to the empty bench. She tells PIERROT that it is the very bench upon which they sat the day he proposed to her.]

PIERROT stifles a yawn.

PIERROT obeys reluctantly. 

PIERRETTE snuggles up to PIERROT. 

PIERROT slightly withdraws. 

PIERRETTE follows him.

PIERROT is at the end of the bench and can go no further.

PIERRETTE takes his hand in hers.

PIERROT needs it to stifle another yawn.

PIERRETTE sees the yawn and is hurt. She bustles, flounces, and moves away from her spouse. PIERRETTE pouts.

PIERROT slumps in his seat. He looks straight in front of him. He is tired of woman and her sulks. PIERRETTE stifles a yawn.

PIERRETTE is sleepy. The fine spring air is too much for her and her eyelids flitter, then flutter, and then flatten.

PIERRETTE sleeps.

PIERRETTE snores, silently but visibly.

PIERROT is annoyed.

PIERROT recounts to himself the terrible things a husband has to endure.

COLOMBINE, an attractive wench, enters.

PIERROT is too consumed by his own sufferings and PIERRETTE's snoring to see her.

COLOMBINE sees PIERRETTE and is interested in PIERROT. Of course.

PIERROT is still concerned over the outrages he is subjected to.

COLOMBINE taps her foot silently and significantly. PIERROT's attention, and incidentally his interest, is attracted to the wench.

PIERROT smiles at COLOMBINE. Then he looks apprehensively at the sleeping PIERRETTE at his side. She still sleeps. PIERROT smiles again and more confidently at COLOMBINE.

COLOMBINE pretends shyness. The wench. 

PIERROT preens himself. 

PIERROT places a finger over his pursed lips.

COLOMBINE suggests a stroll.

PIERROT nods his approval.

COLOMBINE points to the trees.

PIERROT signals for her to go on and that he will follow. He would.

PIERRETTE suddenly awakens. First she sees COLOMBINE who feigns indifference.

PIERRETTE turns to PIERROT and shuts his eyes with her hand.

PIERRETTE feels that she has the situation well in hand.

PIERROT signals to COLOMBINE with one hand that he is still in the game.

PIERROT opens one eye to survey the situation. 

PIERRETTE is still awake. 

PIERROT again signals COLOMBINE to wait for him. She will. Wouldn't you know it?

PIERRETTE Sees COLOMBINE move across the scene as if continuing on her way. PIERRETTE nods approvingly.

PIERRETTE feigns sleep.

PIERROT is not quite sure that PIERRETTE is asleep. He knows her tricks.

PIERROT signals COLOMBINE to wait for him. Gingerly he rises from his seat. He pauses for a moment and then tiptoes in the direction of COLOMBINE. He almost reaches her when PIERRETTE opens her eyes. She takes in the situation at a glance and silently flies to capture her spouse. She grabs him by the slack of his pants and leads him by the ear back to his seat. She pushes him into it and then reads him the riot act. PIERRETTE is thoroughly angry.

PIERRETTE threatens PIERROT with bodily injury if he attempts such a crude trick again. It was crude, you'll admit.

COLOMBINE laughingly observes the couple from behind a tree.

PIERROT looks straight in front of him.

PIERROT sees COLOMBINE and signals her to lay low. PIERRETTE'S vigilance again suffers from the spring air and she nods.

PIERRETTE nods again. Another nod.

PIERRETTE is asleep.

PIERROT signals COLOMBINE to come over to his side of the scene.

COLOMBINE gives him to understand that she is not that kind of a girl. She expects him to do the following. Isn't she feminine?

PIERROT coughs with great effect. He watches its effect upon PIERRETTE. He coughs again. PIERRETTE is sound asleep.

PIERRETTE'S head sinks heavily upon her breast. Her snores cause the trees to shake.

PIERROT silently arises to his feet. He tiptoes across to COLOMBINE but with frequent glances at his frau. COLOMBINE comes from behind the tree.

PIERROT takes off his hat and bows low but clumsily. COLOMBINE curtsies and giggles.

COLOMBINE pulls her domino over her eyes.

PIERROT makes an effort to take her in his arms.

COLOMBINE evades him.

PIERROT again reaches out for her but COLOMBINE is youthful and full of tricks.

COLOMBINE circles the trees and runs across the scene.

PIERROT follows but stumbles and turns head over heels. The lout.

COLOMBINE laughs uproariously. She hasn't had so much fun in years.

PIERROT gets to his feet and again attempts to grab her but again she eludes him.

COLOMBINE didn't know that married men could be such fun.

COLOMBINE continues to dodge about the trees followed by PIERROT. She loses her breath and stops abruptly.

PIERROT gathers her in his arms.

COLOMBINE only wanted to see what a married man would do next.

PIERROT tries to kiss her.

COLOMBINE slaps his face.

PIERROT lets her know that as a married man he is used to such abuse.

COLOMBINE finds married men great fun but unimaginative.

COLOMBINE poses PIERROT on a certain spot. She makes him close his eyes. PIERROT is a willing fool. COLOMBINE takes her position about five feet in front of him.

PIERROT opens his eyes and sees COLOMBINE bent toward him with her lips puckered for a kiss.

PIERROT takes a step forward for the consummation. COLOMBINE takes a step backward.

PIERROT another step forward.

COLOMBINE another step backward.

PIERROT continues to follow her step for step.

COLOMBINE backs off the scene into the trees but leaves one hand extended.

PIERROT captures the hand.

PIERROT follows COLOMBINE out of sight. [Terrible silence. More silence.]

PIERRETTE finds the silence too great for her wifely ears and subconsciously realizes that something is amiss. PIERRETTE awakens.

PIERRETTE looks to the right and the left.

PIERRETTE grasps her umbrella and flounces about the scene. She is so furious that she fails to see HARLEQUIN enter.

HARLEQUIN looks at PIERRETTE and smothers a contemptuous smile. He looks away from her.

HARLEQUIN strolls from right to left as if awaiting an appointment. Whenever his eyes rest upon PIERRETTE it is as if she were not present.

PIERRETTE regards HARLEQUIN as a rather handsome and attractive devil.

HARLEQUIN feels the same way about himself. HARLEQUIN pauses and ruminatively tweaks what would be a mustache had he one.

PIERRETTE Surveys her clothes and thinks. 

PIERRETTE recalls how COLOMBINE looked. 

[First she looks at the handsome HARLEQUIN who has resumed his strutting and posturing.]

PIERRETTE studies him from all angles and finds him only for to admire.

HARLEQUIN is not insensible to the emotions he has evoked in the heart of this simple housewife but he has greater ambitions.

PIERRETTE puts her hands on her hips and looks at him longingly and lovingly.

PIERRETTE wags her head and lets the world know that she has some tricks up her sleeve.

PIERRETTE puts her tongue in her cheek and keeps HARLEQUIN between her and the audience.

PIERRETTE wags a finger at HARLEQUIN. 

PIERRETTE has planned her campaign. 

PIERRETTE lifts her skirts revealing a pair of somewhat attractive um-ah-limbs. She tucks the hem in at her waist and gives her garb a slight panier effect. She opens her bodice at the throat and withdraws a domino. Turns back the folds of her bodice and takes off her biddy hat and uses the lace as a decoration for her folded back bodice. She loosens her hair and fluffs it about. She is beginning to look positively attractive. Look! She is attractive.

PIERRETTE places the domino over her eyes and coquettes in front of an imaginary mirror; pats her hair and then her skirts, primps and then does a step or two.

PIERRETTE makes a curtsey to HARLEQUIN'S back. He is still busy with that promise of a mustache.

PIERRETTE does not see.

PIERROT enters. PIERROT is quite dejected and somewhat disillusioned. He continues to look back in the direction from whence he came and fails to see the change that has overtaken his wife.

PIERRETTE is too concerned with the effect she expects to have on HARLEQUIN to pay any attention to PIERROT.

HARLEQUIN looks off the scene. He is not accustomed to wait even for charming women.

PIERROT finding his wife gone goes over to the bench and prepares to commune with his lost hopes. He sees PIERRETTE. He is all interest. Who said Don Juan?

PIERRETTE manages to tack around the scene and impose herself in HARLEQUIN's line of vision. HARLEQUIN smiles in a ravishing manner.

PIERRETTE is all a-flutter.

PIERRETTE acts coyly. She is willing to be wooed.

She is across the scene from HARLEQUIN who continues to smile and twirk what would be a mustache if it were any one else.

[It is a long time since PIERRETTE has been called upon to exercise the arts of attracting a man and she does her part rather clumsily.]

PIERROT does his best to attract the attention of this darling.

COLOMBINE enters and takes her position behind the tree. No one is conscious of her presence.

PIERRETTE Continues her coy actions and HARLEQUIN laughs outright at her awkwardness.

PIERRETTE is reduced to tears.

PIERROT is still enamored of his unknown beauty. PIERRETTE knows that all is not well with her and tries to regain her seat but she stumbles over the feet of PIERROT and lands in his lap.

PIERROT is quite taken back at the turn of events. PIERRETTE and he regain the seats they had at the opening.

HARLEQUIN observes COLOMBINE behind the tree and salutes her with exaggerated gallantry.

COLOMBINE curtsies in kind.

HARLEQUIN takes COLOMBINE's hand and raises it to his lips.

HARLEQUIN offers his arm to COLOMBINE who again curtsies before accepting it.

COLOMBINE and HARLEQUIN go off together while PIERRETTE and PIERROT look on in amazement at learning just how it is done.

PIERROT looks at PIERRETTE. 

PIERRETTE looks at PIERROT. 

PIERRETTE simpers.

PIERROT smiles.

PIERRETTE moves a bit closer.

PIERROT does the same.

PIERROT takes PIERRETTE's hand.

PIERROT puts one arm around her.

PIERROT lifts the hand he holds to his lips.

PIERRETTE snuggles a bit closer.

PIERROT tries to kiss her.

PIERRETTE shakes her head.

PIERROT is insistent.

PIERRETTE slaps his face. He is, by this time, used to it.

PIERROT tries to peek beneath the domino. 

PIERRETTE slaps his hand away. 

PIERROT is at a decided disadvantage. He does not know what to do next.

PIERROT gets down upon one knee and swears undying love. He offers her the moon and the stars; he will lay the world at her feet in return for her love.

PIERRETTE, like her sisters, is much more practical. PIERROT implores her to remove her domino.

PIERRETTE removes her domino and PIERROT is dazed. PIERRETTE giggles and draws him back to his seat where she envelops him in her arms.

PIERRETTE holds her lips out for a kiss. PIERROT is too busy looking at the sky.

PIERRETTE roughly brings him back to the matter at hand. How about the moon and stars he promised her?

PIERROT is not at all concerned.

PIERRETTE is, as has been pointed out, practical. She wants a new dress.

PIERROT shakes his head.

PIERRETTE lets him know that she'll tell all his friends that he courted his own wife.

PIERROT pleads with her. She must not.

Will PIERROT give PIERRETTE a new dress? 

He nods. 

Will PIERROT give her a new hat? 

He nods. 

Will PIERROT give her a new pair of shoes? 

He nods. 

PIERROT gets up to go. PIERRETTE has other demands to be satisfied and drags him back to his seat. Will PIERROT give her a new book in return for her silence?

He promises.

A new necklace?

He promises.

A new [does she dare? She does] automobile? 

He shakes his head. 

PIERRETTE will tell the world about his adventure with COLOMBINE and how she turned him down.

PIERROT promises.

PIERRETTE puckers her lips for a kiss.

PIERROT takes her in his arms.

PIERROT hugs her tight.

PIERRETTE, when she is released, lets down her skirts, buttons up her waist, smooths down her hair and places the biddy cap on her head.

PIERROT expresses his disgust.

PIERRETTE winks an eye at the world [meaning the audience.] She knows how to handle a husband.

CURTAIN.