Scene 4
SCENE FOUR.
A passage inside Grimaldina Tower — a basic Medieval prison of white plaster, full of scratched-graffiti. Cornelio's cell-door is center stage, with a barred window looking in.
[Enter OFFICER. He paces back and forth, patrolling. Enter PURICINELLA, carrying a stack of books on his head. The guard notices him and is startled.]
OFF. Who are you? You're not supposed to be in here!
PUR. I'm Purricinella Cetrulo, and I am supposed to be here, delivering books to Don Cornelio.
OFF. Any deliveries are to be made by one of the official guards! I don't know how you even got this far without being stopped!
PUR. Oh, I got stopped a lot of times, but they always let me through.
OFF. Did they, now? Wait till the Captain hears about this! Well, regardless of what the others said, you need to get out of here right this instant.
PUR. But I need to give Don Cornelio his books.
OFF. I'll deliver them for you. Give them here. [PURRICINELLA begins handing him the books one by one. The OFFICER begins thinking aloud.] I wonder if any of the ones who let you through were high-ranking… if they get fired, I might get promoted! [The OFFICER finds the books too numerous, and drops the stack before PURRICINELLA can finish handing them over. OFFICER grumbles, and bends over to pick them up. PURRICINELLA assists. Upright again, PURRICINELLA begins passing over the books a second time, with the same result that the OFFICER drops them. OFFICER is frustrated.] Let me pick them up this time. [OFFICER picks up all the books. PURRICINELLA steps slightly forward, onto the border of the OFFICER's pantaloons. When the OFFICER stands, his pants remain on the floor. PURRICINELLA jumps back; OFFICER drops all his books so as to free his hands and retrieve his pants. While he adjusts his pantaloons, PURRICINELLA helpfully gathers up the books into a stack again. He waits to hand them over. The OFFICER is much irritated.] Hand them to me all at once this time. [PURRICINELLA tosses the stack of books forward, and they go scattering across the floor once again. OFFICER snaps.] Oh, for Christ's sake! Give him the damned books yourself, I don't have time for this! [PURRICINELLA gathers the books again while the OFFICER goes to the door of Cornelio's cell. He knocks and calls inside.] Don Cornelio! There are some books here for you!
[OFFICER pulls out his keys and unlocks the door. CORNELIO steps into the doorframe. PURRICINELLA walks over to him with the stack of books. CORNELIO is surprised.]
COR. Hey, aren't you the retard from the cemetery?
PUR. I am, and Lucrezia sent me to deliver these books for you.
[PURRICINELLA begins handing over the books one at a time again.]
COR. Lucrezia sent you? Oh, joyousness! Tell me how she's doing!
PUR. She's alright — she's dying of grief without you.
COR. [Moaning in anguish.] Oh! My poor Lucrezia! I'd do anything to see her!
PUR. Even follow the directions of a retard?
COR. Yes! By Bacchus and Cupid alike, yes!
PUR. Oh, good — would you raise your arms up to the sky — [Demonstrates.] — and beg the gods to help you?
COR. Ever! Oh, gods, I do beg of you helplessly — [CORNELIO imitates the action with his hands still full of books. He ends up smacking the OFFICER in the face with a huge novel, knocking him backward against the wall, causing him to crack his head and fall unconscious. CORNELIO stands there in confusion for a moment, then turns back to the sky.] Thank you, merciful gods! There is still time to save my Lucrezia!
PUR. Her father and the Doctor have been fighting.
COR. So much the better! The conditions are ideal — to a lover's victory!
[CORNELIO begins to leap across the stage, meaning to exit. PURRICINELLA quickly acknowledges the unconscious Officer.]
PUR. What a pretty hat — I want such a pretty hat!
[PURRICINELLA takes the hat from the Officer. CORNELIO stops.]
COR. How rash of me! As soon as I exit this corridor, I'm sure to be noticed by the other officers. But my dear retarded-troll-man has given me a grand idea! I will disguise myself in that Officer's clothes, and freely leave here a free man! [CORNELIO begins undressing both himself and the Officer as he talks.] So, my disgusting fellow — what is your name?
PUR. Purricinella Cetrulo. [CORNELIO starts to laugh.] Don't laugh! The name suits me well.
COR. Yes, I'd say it suits you well — Cetrulo means “idiot.”
PUR. Cetrulo is an ancient name — we've existed all throughout history. The wheel would never have been invented if some Cetrulo hadn't decided his house should be the tallest on the hill; so he chose the four prettiest, smoothest rocks he could fine to support his hut, while he built it up from the bottom. He did not get far before the rocks tumbled out from the structure, and went rolling down the hill. Voila! The wheel was invented, and so was the mobile home.
COR. And what of “Purricinella.”
PUR. That is Bolognese dialect, as you well know; and the school at Bologna is where all the most educated men in Europe come from. It gives an air of quality and nobility to have such a name.
COR. It means “small cock.”
PUR. Thus I've plenty of blood left to feed my brain.
[Enter The CAPTAIN. PURRICINELLA and CORNELIO are startled. Cornelio is half-dressed, standing over the also half-dressed Officer.]
CAP. So! This is what has caused all the fuss throughout the Tower! I became suspicious as soon as I started hearing tale after tale about a fat little mole-man tricking one officer after another into letting him through! You must think yourself very stupid, pretending to be so smart… wait, I said that wrong.
COR. You fiend! Don't you realize that you are interfering with true love here?
CAP. Indeed I do! For shame, signor — knocking an officer unconscious and then trying to sodomize him in his sleep!
COR. If I remain in prison, my poor beloved Lucrezia is going to be forced to marry a Doctor!
CAP. [Sarcastic.] Heavens! What kind of girl would ever want to marry a Doctor? [Thinks a moment.] Wait a minute — Lucrezia — was she the girl with you in the cemetery when I arrested you?
COR. Yes! You've seen her. You know full well her beauty and charm. If you won't let me go for my own sake, at least do it for her. Don't force her to spend her life with a Doctor who will make her miserable.
CAP. Do not worry, my fellow. I have no wish to see her married to the Doctor.
PUR. You're letting us go?
CAP. Hell no! If you're in prison, and your little frog is here with you — then I can marry Lucrezia!
[The CAPTAIN draws his sword and aims it at PURRICINELLA and CORNELIO, forcing them backwards toward the cell. Suddenly, fearless and stupid, PURICINELLA runs forward.]
PUR. Ohh! It's so bright and shiny! [Gets closer and starts to examine it.] It's sparkly like the sun! It overpowers my senses! It's so pretty…
CAP. It was very expensive.
PUR. I bet if I wanted one, I would have to go for a year without wearing clothes!
CAP. Please don't attempt it.
PUR. The blade is so long and sharp and pointy! What does the handle look like?
CAP. Ah-ha! I'm sure you'd like to see it — so you could grab the sword away from me, force me into the cell and make your escape! Don't bother, stinky little man, I know your tricks now. Both of you, get into the cell rrrrrrrright now!
COR. I accept my fate, but you have nothing on which to hold Purricinella!
CAP. Oh, really? When I came in here, he was about to stand by and watch you rape my poor officer! He is both an accessory, and a pervert! That's sufficient to have him locked up and hanged alongside of you. Into the cell. [CAPTAIN starts swinging his sword like he really means it. PURRICINELLA and CORNELIO retreat into the cell. CAPTAIN closes the door and locks them in. CORNELIO's face can be seen through the barred window.] So… I take it Lucrezia is supposed to marry Doctor Baloardo, for whom the hunchback works… well, I'll fix that. I'll tell her that if she will marry me instead, I'll see to it that her beloved Don Cornelio escapes the hangman — after the wedding. If she loves you, she will not refuse — and if she doesn't, then I still have room for a place by her side. I win either way!
COR. Ha! That's where you're wrong — her father Pantalone would never allow it! He's already forcing her to marry the Doctor! [Off to the side.] What's wrong, Purricinella? Why do you keep shaking your head and motioning for me to shut my mouth?
CAP. Indeed — her father! I hadn't thought about him. You say she's Signor Pantalone's daughter? He is famous for being the greediest, most miserly man in all of Genoa. I'll just offer to pay him in gratitude for his daughter's hand. And I know exactly where to get the money. I'm going to go back to Doctor Baloardo's, and dig up that gigantic diamond you told me about the other night! Ha ha ha!
[Exit CAPTAIN.]
PUR. He does realize that I made that all up, doesn't he?