Scene 1
SCENE ONE:
The house of Signor Pantalone, richly decorated with deteriorating tapestries, beautifully made but badly beaten furniture, and artwork done by people with questionable talent. There is an open window.
[Enter THE TRAGIC MUSE, MELPOMENE and THE COMIC MUSE, THALIA.]
MEL. Another commedia. What folly! Has there ever been a romance over which people laughed?
THA. There have been many.
MEL. And it only brought pain to the couple! Pain and torment — to be laughed at! Their sufferings and miseries, filling others with joy, laughing with their hearts full of poison and bile and asparagus! Weep, weep, my sister! Weep for those poor souls.
[THALIA produces a whoopie cushion and blows it in Melpomene's face.]
MEL. Still you take it lightly? And what about that poor girl Lucrezia? As if being the daughter of a man as creepy and old and incontinent as Signor Pantalone weren't bad enough for her, her years of hard work studying the sciences, just when they seem about to pay off, attract the attention of her father's best friend, that greedy and unscrupulous Doctor Baloardo! Now he's gotten what might be the only smart idea he's had in his whole life — he'll convince his friend Pantalone to let him marry that poor young thing. Baloardo and Pantalone are best friends, and the girl is quite getting on in her eligible years — why, she hit double-digits almost a decade ago! — so why wouldn't her father allow it? But the Doctor doesn't want to marry her to learn or to share in her glory — he just wants to steal her work and claim it as his own.
THA. You've forgotten that “poor, unfortunate” Lucrezia has a lover already — a daring adventurer, a top swordsman, bravest of the brave and other such expressions indicating that he is brave! A man like that — do you think he'll just stand by and watch his one true love married off to a nasty old quack like the Doctor?
MEL. What else can he do — kill the Doctor and marry Lucrezia through the prison bars?
THA. An acrobatic task it will be to consummate that one…
MEL. Yes — but moreover, it would mean that everyone dies, and that would make this story a Tragedy. Are you quite certain that your presence is needed here, Thalia?
THA. Well, why don't we stand back, and see what happens? Here come Pantalone and the Doctor right now, discussing the marriage. Who knows? Maybe he'll refuse the Doctor's request and everything will be fine.
[THALIA and MELPOMENE retreat upstage. Enter DOCTOR BALOARDO and PANTALONE. Pantalone is at least 100 years old and looks it. The Doctor is about 70.]
PAN. You silly old fool — of course you can marry my daughter! Why wouldn't I permit such an intelligent, honest, healthy young-old man such as you to marry my even more intelligent teenage girl?
[MELPOMENE gives Thalia a triumphant look. THALIA sticks out her tongue at Melpomene.]
DOC. Thank you, signore. I always knew that if I stuck it out long enough, I would eventually gain some happiness from our friendship.
PAN. Yes, yes, happiness indeed! You gain a beautiful young wife, and I don't have to feed that cavernous abdomen of hers any longer! You know today alone she ate two whole eggs? I always tell her, eat the white and save the yolk for supper, but no! She goes and eat two whole eggs — for breakfast! You'd think Fat Tuesday was every day in this house, with her around. Girls are expensive, yes indeed.
DOC. I understand that well enough — the lawyers fees I had to pay with all my other wives, to prove I was only partially responsible for their deaths…! Speaking of which, what can be expected as a dowry?
PAN. Ah, my dear Doctor, you and I are such great friends, don't strain our amiability with such vulgar considerations.
DOC. Ah, well. I suppose that sharp little brain of hers ought to be sufficient — and at length it will certainly bring me money and status enough!
PAN. That's my fellow! Why don't we call her out and give her the happy news together?
PAN. & DOC. Lucrezia! Lucrezia, my lovely girl! Come out here, &c. &c.
[Enter LUCREZIA, her hair disheveled and littered with sticks, her teeth blackened with soot, trying to act goofy.]
LUC. [In a shrill voice, comically moving toward the men.] I am here, my dear father! And Doctor, dearest!
DOC. A fine effort. Do you honestly believe I'm that stupid?
LUC. [Drooping. Normal voice.] Well, I knew that wouldn't fly. [She begins removing sticks from her hair and generally straightening herself out.] I suspect those grotesque expressions on both your faces mean only one thing…
PAN. Expect things to grow much more grotesque, my dear, for your wedding to Doctor Baloardo had been arranged for this Friday! It is my greatest wish to see you happily married before the next grocery day.
DOC. I promise you a contented existence — I have a whole laboratory at your disposal! I'll wait quietly by your side, taking down all your notes for you, in my own handwriting.
LUC. How very considerate. Father, may I speak to you for a moment? [LUCREZIA yanks PANTALONE off his feet and drags him across the stage.] What is the meaning of this? You know that Don Cornelio has already proposed to me! He'll marry me every bit as quickly as that revolting Doctor, who veritably stinks of liquor and death!
PAN. Oh, don't exaggerate so much! He barely kills half his patients, and always stops drinking as soon as he passes out. He makes a good living. What more do you want?
LUC. But I love Cornelio!
PAN. Oh, of course, bring that up again! The only way that love would keep that stomach of yours nice and full involved things I would rather not imagine my daughter doing. Besides, that Cornelio is such an impractical fellow — I saw him on the street the other day, and do you know what he was doing? Throwing his money away left and right, passing out alms to the beggars! And then to top it all off, he went and bought a pear, even though the fruit-seller's back was turned and would have well deserved to have his merchandise pinched, for it would be so easily done! He doesn't think ahead, you see. You won't do well at all with such a man. Plus, I don't know if I could talk him out of a dowry — so you see, I'll be happier to see you with the Doctor, and as you have been produced of my own flesh I don't see why that wouldn't make you happy as well. Now forgive me, but I need to begin making arrangements immediately — just think, in only a few days, how lovely the grocery bill will look! [PANTALONE begins to exit.] Come along, Doctor. I'm going to need your help making the arrangements. You've got some cash on you, right?
[Exit PANTALONE and DOCTOR. LUCREZIA remains in the room, MUSES hidden in the background.]
LUC. Wretched fate! Why do you torment me in this cruel fashion? Couldn't you have been kind enough, if I should be forced to such a disagreeable union with the Doctor, to at least not have let me known what happiness I might have with another? Does my anguish amuse you, tyrannical gods?! [A pomegranate flies through the open window and smacks her in the head.] Ow!
[The voice of CORNELIO calls from off-stage.]
COR. Lucrezia! Lucrezia, my beloved love!
LUC. Cornelio! Cornelio, my dearest! [She runs to the window and calls out.] He has gone out — you can come in.
[CORNELIO enters dramatically, leaping in through the window, dressed in scarlet and gold with a flowing cape and a plumed hat. He and LUCREZIA fly into each others' arms.]
COR. My rose! My spice! — Did you get my pomegranate? It was a symbol of love in the Greek myths.
LUC. Yes, I got it; it struck me to my very core. Oh, Cornelio! As happy as I am right now, you cannot imagine how it's marred by torment and anguish!
COR. Marred by anguish? Ah, my darling, never! When you are unhappy, it is as if the sky has been covered over with black clouds full of hailstones, that beat down upon me, and each second I endure under such a terrible scene, another hour of my life is sucked away —
LUC. Oh, Cornelio!
COR. Lucrezia! Lucrezia!
MEL. Ugh. I could make a fortune in amber from this much sap.
[THALA whacks Melpomene with her crook to silence her.]
LUC. Doctor Baloardo came by today, and finally succeeded with his disgusting efforts to secure me for marriage.
COR. For when is the wedding set?
LUC. Friday. Time is money — my father is not one to waste either.
COR. Cruel fates! Well then, we will just have to run away together and live a life of adventure and romance. Let us depart, my love!
LUC. What? Right now?
COR. [Mildly offended.] How perfectly unromantic you are!
LUC. No, no! I'll go off with you. I just need to pack a few things — you know I'm useless without my science books. And shoes. I'm going to need a pair of travel shoes, and some slippers, and some walking shoes, and some riding shoes…
COR. God help me; never let it be said that I'm one to separate a lady from her shoes. Let us accord then — we'll meet at midnight, in the cemetery by the church. Then, my love, we shall flee from this horrid region of Genoa! I'll get us a house and food somehow. Till then, we'll abide romantically in squalor and poverty!
LUC. Oh, Cornelio! My dearest!
[Exit CORNELIO and LUCREZIA.]
MEL. Squalor and poverty? Nice. My territory, for sure.
THA. Oh come, how can you call that a Tragedy? You think she'd be happier married to the Doctor?
MEL. No — and that's why it's mine, for it's a Tragedy either way!
THA. Come on, the first scene isn't even done yet. There's much more to this…
[The scene changes suddenly. MELPOMENE starts to laugh at Thalia, but then THALIA begins to laugh right along, silencing her with confusion.]