Act 1
SCENE ONE.
[Enter Dr. BALVARD and RHYME.]
BAL. At length the day is our own, and I can now tell you —
RHY. Pray what can you tell me that I don't know, already? You think, because you find an open door to the governor's closet, that you alone know every thing —
BAL. Why, you must allow that I do every thing — dispose of every office in the governor's gift — place and displace every footman, and every chambermaid in his household. Nay, if the truth was known, I have made him turn off a very good servant to make way for you.
RHY. For me? A good jest truly. I thought you had not been to learn that I can stand on my own legs —
BAL. Your legs — fine supporters — What, have you forgot whence you came, and who brought you here? Don't you remember the time when you were a poor curate, and thought yourself blessed with fifty pounds a year? Who then thought of you? Who then minded you or your misbegotten Tragedy of D———s? Who brought you into the warm sunshine of the governor's favour? Who got your play acted? Who got your friends to clap even the most hissable lines in it? Who talked loudly for you? And to sum up all, who gave you the place you now enjoy? Who sent you to Holland to take care of, or rather to neglect the interests of the Spanish nation there?
RHY. All this, doctor, I remember just as well as I do the day when, on the accession of the illustrious Sancho to the government of this island, you emerged from your barren retreat in the north, and by petticoat favour became chief physician here at court. I can remember too, that at that time our governor was fat and fair, his table covered with good and wholesome viands, at which he played his part like a hero, till by the effort of your magical rod, beef, mutton, and veal disappeared, and in their stead nothing was to be seen but French fricassees, blanc-manger and soupe-maigre. Nay, not satisfied with regulating the governor's palate, you are so fond of your nostrums, that you would oblige all his subjects to forsake their usual dishes to feed on foreign poisons —
BAL. Am I not in the right? And don't you see that all I do in this way is calculated for your advantage and mine? While the Baratarians ate the coarse foods I have discarded, they were so rough, so obstinate, and so sturdy, that they talked of nothing less than throwing me out at the window —
RHY. I indeed remember that when you became Almoner, some harsh things were said, and your doctorship began to think of leaving the field of battle to your antagonists. And this, entre nous, made even your best friends imagine that your haughty looks were nothing but grimace, and served only to hide the dastard under the lion's skin.
BAL. You see the outside of things only. But I, who am a most consummate politician, as well as a physician, was very sensible that it was my duty to save these rash people from ruin, even in spite of themselves. Hence my resignation of the office of Almoner; hence my journey to Rome; and hence the regimen you see me now prescribe to Don Sancho and his Baratarians.
RHY. Yet the ill-natured world say that ever since the mob fell on you, and broke the windows of the gift chariot —
BAL. Pshaw, pshaw! These are coffee-house tales. But, fortem, et tenacem propositi virum —
RHY. Good doctor — truce with your Latin. You know I am a priest and not bound to read any Latin, but in my breviary — and it is so long since I opened it, that I have quite forgot the language.
BAL. You — a writer and a poet, without understanding the learned languages?
RHY. I am both one and the other, or my friends lie most villainously. Nay, the distinguished notice you have taken of me is a full proof, both of the sublimity of my genius, and the justness of your taste. But we lose time. I am willing to grant that you took me from the dunghill, provided you will explain to me the motives of your conduct since your first appearance at court. I have never yet writ a comedy, but I hope to find proper materials for one in your history of yourself.
BAL. I will gratify your curiosity; not that I imagine you would keep my secret, but that you well know we are so connected that if I stumble, you must fall. So you must remain mine, whether you will or not.
RHY. Granted. Go on, doctor.
BAL. When I was first called to take care of our governor's health, and got the keeping of the purse, I found Barataria engaged in a war, which, however successful, had left the great purse so empty that it was become a body without a soul. As I had not credit to fill it again, I prompted the governor to make a peace at any rate, telling him that nothing hurt the nerves and disordered the animal economy so much as the thunder of cannon, and the din of arms. This was my reasoning as a physician. But I had other, and more cogent motives.
RHY. Pray let me hear them.
BAL. I found, on my coming to court, some of the old physicians, who had practiced long, and with success, under the governor's predecessors. These men would be ever thwarting me, and contradicting my advices; and had got into such credit with the mobility, by pasting up a number of quack bills in every coffee-house, that I found it impossible to take proper measures for the governor's welfare, till they were discarded.
RHY. And how did you effect your purpose?
BAL. You shall hear. Don Sancho, having eaten too much at supper, complained of a headache next morning. A grand council was summoned and every physician and surgeon ordered to attend. Just as we met, an account was brought of a great victory obtained by our troops in Acirema. I immediately felt the governor's pulse, and declared, in the most peremptory manner, that the unusual and dangerous quickness of the systole and diastole was certainly occasioned by the violent explosion of so much gunpowder; and that nothing could effect a speedy cure but a cessation of the cause of the malady. In vain did my antagonists observe, that it was impossible the explosion, happening at the distance of two-thousand leagues, could affect the governor's nerves here in Barataria. I talked with so much erudition of the bad effects of brimstone and sulphureous steams, the undulating motion of the air, the easy impression made by it on the human lungs by the means of inspiration and expiration, and various other topics of the same kind, that I beat them all hollow, and our illustrious governor, at last, fairly kicked them all down stairs and then told me that such was his implicit confidence in my prudence and skill, that he was resolved for the future to eat, and to make all the Baratarians eat, such viands only as I should prescribe. This of course brought me into great employment; nor was a single cook hired in all the province, till I had first examined his abilities.
RHY. But had you nothing to fear from your discarded brethren?
BAL. Much — and with reason — but I quickly did for them.
RHY. As how?
BAL. The chief of them, and the person who had been most troublesome, was growing old and had the gout. I quieted him by a small pension, and a promise of a place in the hospital for lunacies. Others of them took themselves away, and retired to practice in country villages. In short, I sent them all a-packing; and having soon convinced the governor of the bad effects of gunpowder, and also of the expense of it, he immediately put an end to all military feats, and left me at full leisure to carry on my little plans, and prescribe for him and his subjects.
RHY. Nothing could stand before you after such a victory.
BAL. I really thought so — but I don't know how it is, an ill looking rascal, from Biscay, peremptory, turbulent, and active, still plagues me —
RHY. Can't you silence him by the same means that operated so well on the others?
BAL. Every thing has been tried — but, would you believe it, at the very time I regulated every thing in every family of the province, this very Biscayan, full of the untamed spirit of his native country, had the assurance to post up no fewer than forty-five bills in the city; in which he openly condemned my method of practice, asserted I would certainly poison the governor and all his subjects, laughed at my nostrums, and at all who consulted me. Nay, he made it his business to ridicule every recipe of mine he found in the apothecary's shop.
RHY. What! Did you sit tamely under this?
BAL. You shall judge — in return for his civility, as soon as I learned that his private affairs were in disorder, I uncoupled two dozen attorneys to hamper him with lawsuits and, to do these gentlemen barely justice, they spared no pains to serve me. It is true — the great purse paid for all. They forged deeds, bribed witnesses, blackened his character; and, in one word, showed they thoroughly understood their profession.
RHY. Then they finished him —
BAL. Far from it. We wanted to hang him, but we could never bring him farther than to a jail, tho' my industrious attorneys had got at all his papers, by the help of two of his servants, whom they feed for that purpose — but, attorneys as they were, the Biscayan was like to prove too hard even for them.
RHY. I could scarcely think that —
BAL. I assure you it is true — they had forgot to use some trivial formality in getting at the papers. My antagonist made proper use of this, and had the impudence to sue them for a robbery, tho' it was well known that they were gentlemen, of as long standing, and as much employed as any of their profession in all Barataria.
RHY. I suppose then, they would not be wanting to themselves on this occasion.
BAL. What man could do, nay, what attorneys seldom do, they did. By every subterfuge, by every trick of chicane, they evaded, delayed, and at last muffled madam Justice. By these means, and many others which I am not attorney enough to explain, they saved their necks, tho' not their characters. But being thoroughbred limbs of the law, they made very light of so trivial a circumstance; wisely judging, that it was not worth while to make a pother about nothing.
RHY. How! — do you call a man's character nothing?
BAL. Yes — I say an attorney's good character is nothing. It is a mere nonentity! Pshaw — I protest I am ashamed of you! Have you lived so long with me, and yet continue to blunder in this manner? I shall expect next, that you will make me responsible for every patient who dies under my hands.
RHY. I shall never do that, till I see the heirs of good estates, and the people who have reversions of lucrative places, blame you for prescribing to their predecessors.
BAL. With such people I shall do well enough — but this damn'd Biscayan is still in my way. From his prison, he continues to dare me: and to let you into my inmost thoughts, he frightened me so, that I was glad to make a trip to Rome, with my patient Beau Clincher, as if to see the jubilee.
RHY. I thought you had other reasons for that journey.
BAL. A wise man turns every thing to his own advantage. Besides getting out of the Biscayan's way (who might cut my throat if he got loose again) I had a mind to study, carefully, the Italian chemistry, especially their elixir servitutis, called Macaroni; by which invaluable medicine, the physicians in that country have reduced the constitutions of the once hardy Romans, and dieted them down to the tame virtue of the modern shavelings.
RHY. I am afraid you will scarce get our Baratarians to grow fond of your Macaroni. They have been too long accustomed to beef and mutton.
BAL. As I am at the governor's elbow every hour, I make no doubt of cramming my elixir down their throats. Many will swear it is an excellent dish when they see it always at the governor's table. The power of fashion, and the example of the court, are prodigious advantages. No man or woman of fashion, who ever traveled, or pretends to have traveled, but will dine on Macaroni. Besides, I have still other resources left to quicken their appetites, should these fail.
RHY. Pray, what are they?
BAL. Why, I will get an order from the governor and council, that no man shall have a spit in his kitchen, on pain of being run thro' the body with it. It shall be high treason to murder a bullock, and felony to lay violent hands on a sheep. The laudable society for the preservation of the game shall have the care of the lives of the poultry; but plumb pudding and dumpling shall be reserved for my own inspection, and woe to the wretch who dares to taste either, without a license under my hand.
RHY. Our people will never relish these harsh laws —
BAL. What! Do you dispute my foresight? Go, you fool, and study Byshe's art of poetry in your garret — to kennel, sirrah! But do you hear? Let your next tragedy be better than A——s — you have now a better living, and therefore should have more wit. I was forced to use all my authority with my dependents, to keep them from laughing at the exhibition of your tragedy. Don't expose me any more in this manner.
RHY. How! Laugh at my tragedy — ! By all the gods, this is not to be born! “Bend, Tyrinthius, bend thy bow,
Fix an arrow on the string,
Stand beside the Spartan king.”
I defy la Vega, or Calderon, to produce any thing in their whole works equal to these sublime verses. Bring forth thy daggers, O Tragedy, to avenge thy favorite son, and may Comedy point her keenest ridicule against those who dare to laugh, when they should cry! May righteous Heaven —
BAL. Hush, fool — I hear our prime minister's levee room open. Go, make your bows. Must I be your prompter?
RHY. But, my tragedy — so quaintly wrote, so adorned with rhyme, simile, blank verse, and no verse so stuffed with incident, and the very marrow of plot and contrivance —
BAL. Go, I say — leave me — I expect, at this hour, the bishops, and custom-house officers, who are to go to Acirema, to take charge of the souls and purses of these people.
RHY. But my tragedy — by heaven, if I did not think that our prime minister would cry at my tragedy, I would as soon turn balladmonger as go near him. But I am still willing, in spite of appearances, to have a good opinion of his intellects.
[Exit RHYME.]
BAL. [Solus.] That's more than I have — Little does Harlequin think that I made him the Premier only to fill a gap, and to help forward the sale of Macaroni. That once done, I'll strip him of his borrowed robes, and send him a-grazing.
SCENE TWO.
[Enter HARLEQUIN to his Levee of COURTIERS, with an embroidered suit over his own dress; his wooden sword hung in a belt in the ordinary way, and the Order of Calatrova dangling behind his back. SCARAMOUCHE in his usual garb, with a face of vast importance; his hands filled with petitions, and great numbers of papers pinned to his clothes on all sides. Many PEOPLE bowing and speaking to HARLEQUIN and SCARAMOUCHE.]
HAR. My Lord, I am very happy to see you. Ha! Sir John, how do you do? Can I serve you in anything? Upon the word of a nobleman, Mr. Taynorth, that plan of yours will never do.
TAY. How so, my Lord?
HAR. Why, you know what a noise the people here made about the last grant of a forest I issued; and how the Duke of Medina Cœli scolded. Now were I to give you the plunder of that forfeited estate, people would say I was a fool, and left nothing for myself.
TAY. But, my Lord, I offered you half —
HAR. Pshaw — I don't understand you —
TAY. What if I make it two-thirds?
HAR. Nay, now you speak good Spanish. But lower your voice.
TAY. Well, my Lord, two-thirds is the word. But then I expect the reversion in my wife's name, and that of the child she is big with.
HAR. With all my heart — what care I how little my successors in office have to give away? Nay, I do them a favour. They will have less to burden then their consciences with, and the articles of impeachment will be fewer. Here, Scaramouche —
SCA. Mi Lor — Vat you be say?
HAR. Give me Mr. Taynorth's proposals. Have you it in your hand?
SCA. Mi no tell vat is in mine hand. Dere — No — Bi Gar, dat is von summons of divorce by your Ladi, mi Lor.
HAR. Where got you that?
SCA. Von Maitre des Requetes be a-bring me this morning.
HAR. Look for the paper I want.
SCA. Attendez — Stay von vile. Dere it is! [Fumbling among his papers with many grimaces.] Oh, non — non. Dat is a list of the argent, mi Lor, lost upon de last course des chevaux.
HAR. It is devilish long —
SCA. It be von diablement little list — but dere is de list of mi Ladi's game debts, and bi Gar, it will be twenty times so long.
HAR. No matter. The new officers of the customs in Acirema have engaged to discharge all my wife's play debts, out of the first duties collected there, and to pay the lawyers who plead for the divorce. I think I made no blind bargain — Ha — what say you, Scaramouche?
SCA. Mi be say dat all the tailles of Acirema vil not be von evening's vork for to your Ladi, mi Lor —
HAR. But you know I am quickly to be divorced; and she will marry another, from whom I propose to win as much on the turf as she has lost.
SCA. But — mais l'honneur — mi Lor —
HAR. Honour? Bagatelle! What, am I made Premier here, to have my actions weighed in the scales of the vulgar? And do you, scoundrel, whom from a valet de chamber, I have made my secretary — a dog engendered in the filth of Paris — presume to talk of honour?
SCA. Doucement — soft, mi Lor. Me be know some of dese dogs, from de carrefours of Paris, dat be now here grands seigneurs in Barataria.
HAR. It is true. That same inquisitio post mortem is sometimes of prodigious use in doubtful cases; and we may thank Mr. Splithair the lawyer for his ingenious discovery — but where is the paper I want?
SCA. Diable — Mi no can tell — Dere! [Turning himself round.] Regardez par tout — look just below mine derriere — it is pinned dere. Are you got it?
HAR. Here it is — Mr. Taynorth, call at my secretary tomorrow for the grant. But remember two-thirds, for bets will run high this season on the course.
SCA. Mi Lor — mi Lor — dere is von Procuter in grand deshabille —
SCENE THREE.
[Enter PROCUTOR.]
HAR. Ha — Mr. Procutor, why in deep mourning?
PRO. [In a long mourning gown; a crape in his hat of a most prodigious length.] Ah, my Lord — Undone! Ruined and undone —
HAR. What? Is your wife dead?
PRO. Would to heaven! But what have I to do with heaven, when my election is gone to hell — Oh, my Lord —
HAR. Speak quickly —
PRO. I have buried my election. That damned Biscayan — Doctor Balvard promised to do for him; but, though in jail, he has done for me.
HAR. What? Would neither court favour, court promises, nor public money, tame your brutes?
PRO. No, my Lord — justly do you call them brutes; for no man lives but would have been gained by the methods I took.
SCA. Dat is verité, tout pure —
PRO. According to your Lordship's orders, I promised, I flattered, I drank, I bribed, I formed mobs, I pimped — in short, I did everything — and what was the issue? I had much to do to escape with my life. I lost my embroidered suit, which Staytape the tailor gave me credit for — I spent any little money I had, and all your Lordship gave me — but this is not all —
HAR. What worse could happen?
PRO. Seeing those rascals so outrageous, I was forced to have recourse to my guard or chairmen and mule-driver; and some of them, in the scuffle, knocked one of my opponents on the head.
HAR. And is the man dead?
PRO. Dead and buried, my Lord — and now a seditious fellow, one Mr. Sergeant, says he will have me hanged for murder; and thus the first step of my preferment will be the gibbet ladder.
HAR. This calls for mature deliberation — A man killed is an ugly frontspiece to our proceedings. What think you, Scaramouche?
SCA. [Fumbling among his papers, and not minding Harlequin.] Dere is, my Lor — the list of public debts —
HAR. Fool! It is so long it will take a week to read it. Besides, as I never mean to pay them, why need I read the list? What shall we do in Mr. Procutor's affair?
SCA. [Still distracted among his papers.] Dere, mi Lord, is —
HAR. Blockhead — will you not attend to what I say? What is to be done in Procutor's matter?
SCA. [Pulling out an enormous pair of spectacles, and putting them on his nose.] Mi Lord — Vat you say a mi —
HAR. Why your spectacles? You are not going to write.
SCA. Oh — mais, mi Lor, much vertù in dese spectacles — Scaramouche be now von vise man. Speak, mi Lord —
HAR. What shall we do with Procutor?
SCA. Dere is von grand medicine dey use in mon pais, ven de subject vill not do as dey bid — des grandes coupes de baton. How is it call here? Attendez — blu — blud —
PRO. Oh, he means bludgeons. Mr. Secretary, this was also tried, I do assure you; and though the coupes de baton were seasoned with leaden weights, which always brings the medicine home to the patient with more efficacy, yet they grew evidently worse upon the remedy; and one of them, who had got too large a dose of my physic, died.
HAR. I'll tell you, Procutor, we will consult with —
[All the COURTIERS surround HARLEQUIN, offering him a number of petitions and memorials.]
COR 1. My Lord, my Lord, the people of the treasury say —
COR 2. My Lord, the officers who took Alinam say, that they will have their prize-money — or —
HAR. Ha — what, do the villains threaten me?
COR 2. Yes, my Lord, to be plain with you. It is easy to hector a coward; and you, my Lord —
HAR. Here, Scaramouche — Lord Strut is too loud — strike him off the pension list —
SCA. Dat is veil, parbleu, mi vill beat him out of de list. [Aside.] And mi vill put in Scaramouche in de place.
[COURTIERS all pulling and haling HARLEQUIN, one takes hold of his sleeve; another seizes him by the Order which hangs at his back. HARLEQUIN, frightened and enraged, attempts to draw his
wooden sword, and lays about him.]
HAR. Scaramouche — Scaramouche! I shall be murdered! Call the guards! Quick — quick —
SCA. Tout a l'heure, mi Lor —
[SCARAMOUCHE begins very composedly to unpin all the papers he has about him, and lays them in order. Meanwhile the COURTIERS attack HARLEQUIN, who defends himself with his sword, and trips up their heels. Then he attacks SCARAMOUCHE.]
HAR. Dog — rascal! To see me assaulted, and refuse to assist me —
SCA. Mi Lor, de secretary not sight — he only vrite —
[HARLEQUIN belabours SCARAMOUCHE, who throws all his papers in Harlequin's face to blind him, and runs off. HARLEQUIN follows him with his wooden sword.]
[End of the Levee.]