Scene 2
SCENE TWO.
The cemetery, a spooky little chapel nearby. Crypts, statues, plaques and large tombstones everywhere.
[The MUSES remain onstage.]
[Enter PURRICINELLA with a wagon and a shovel. He begins to dig up a grave.]
THA. Oh, look! It's Purricinella, the servant of Doctor Baloardo!
MEL. There's an unhappy fellow. Servant to a man as rotten as the Doctor, forced to do all his most filthy and unpleasant work, and the only relief he can find is through pretending to be too stupid to understand what's going on.
THA. Are you kidding? He rather enjoys it — he's malicious at heart, and pretending he doesn't know better lets him get away with so much!
MEL. Yet what he desires most is to have revenge on the Doctor for the degrading treatment received at his hands. Nothing good ever comes of revenge, you know… these are Italians, they're famous for the lengths to which they take it.
THA. Well, be quiet. Let's see what he has to do with all of this.
[PURRICINELLA briefly stops digging.]
PUR. Curse the Doctor and his stupid cadavers! — No, wait, I said stupid, but fact is with the maggots about them, they've a livelier wit than Baloardo. He sends me out to collect the stiffs, so that in case it should ever be discovered, I shoulder the blame. Just wait — one day, Doctor, I'll be the one laughing and eating ham! Ham, I say! Muahaha! [There is a noise from offstage, to which he reacts.] Somebody's coming — I'd better hide.
[PURRICINELLA hides behind a statue. Enter LUCREZIA, dragging along four humongous chests, each as big as herself. She trips and falls.]
LUC. Oh! So many books — but where would I be without them? [She opens a chest and begins pulling them out.] “On Arabic Numbers,” “On Weights and Measures,” “Forbidden Sexual Positions.” Oh — Cornelio doesn't seem to be here yet. I can probably read a chapter by moonlight while I wait for him. [LUCREZIA sits down and begins reading her book. PURRICINELLA loses his balance and falls from his hiding place. LUCREZIA's attention is attracted; she rises to investigate, and PURRICINELLA tries to scramble back to his feet. As she gets closer and he realizes hiding is hopeless, he freezes up and tries to appear as a statue.] What was that? It looks like that ugly statue fell over. [She moves beside him.] It's so dark in this corner of the graveyard… the moonlight plays such tricks on my eyes, it almost appears as if the statue is breathing! [PURRICINELLA farts loudly. LUCREZIA, obviously having heard, grows increasingly frightened.] What was that sound? Oh! Oh, God, that stench — I could swear it's brimstone seeping forth from the mouth of Hell! Holy Mary, what is happening in this cemetery? Not a ghost, surely — and definitely not a malicious ghost who wants company. [A loud cracking noise comes from off-stage.] Oh God! Have I sinned so badly in disobeying my father, that now Satan himself comes for me? No — I must stay calm — I must stay — [PURRICINELLA's arms and legs grow tired, and his position sags noticeably. LUCREZIA screams at the sight.] The statue! It lives — it comes for me!
[LUCREZIA tries to run away and runs smack into CORNELIO as he enters swoopingly.]
COR. Lucrezia, what's wrong?
[LUCREZIA screams again and points toward Purricinella. CORNELIO leaps toward him with his sword drawn. PURRICINELLA sees the sword aimed at him and screams. CORNELIO is startled by the sudden action and screams. Everyone runs around screaming hysterically. Finally CORNELIO and LUCREZIA take cover behind Lucrezia's travel chests — CORNELIO leaves his sword pointing out from them. PURRICINELLA hides behind a nearby tombstone.]
PUR. A fine mess, Purricinella! Now you get to spend the night being chased with a sword! Need to alleviate their fears…
COR. Demon, whatever powers you have to your aid, in defense of my wife I will fight you to the death!
PUR. A demon? Yes, I am a demon — the Demon of the Dance!
[PURRICINELLA springs out from behind the tombstone and begins to dance ineptly. CORNELIO and LUCREZIA, with confusion on their faces, rise and stare.]
COR. Maybe he's not a demon — just possessed!
PUR. Yes I am — possessed by the spirit of the boogie!
LUC. Let's leave him alone, dear. I think he might be retarded. [LUCREZIA and CORNELIO move away. PURRICINELLA dances on.] I'm so glad you've come!
COR. Did you doubt that I would?
LUC. Of course not. Ah, imagine the look on Doctor Baloardo's face tomorrow when he discovers that I'm missing!
[PURRICINELLA stops dancing at the mention of Baloardo and moves closer.]
COR. To speak from my own point of view, I would imagine anyone so fortunate as to have you for a fiancée yet lose you, would then die of misery. To know bliss and then have it snatched away is the cruelest thing.
LUC. Yes… and my poor father. How will he react?
COR. [Sensing a turn for the worst.] Uh-oh… ah, I'm sure he'll be very happy to no longer be losing profits. I'll help you with your trunks — heavens! What a lot of shoes!
LUC. I didn't even leave him a note… he isn't going to know what happened to me…
COR. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, and Pantalone is certainly no genius, so he'll have no problem.
LUC. I've been too hard on him. His intentions are good, just poorly acted…
COR. Okay, how about this — we'll get married, then we'll wait a month, and then come back in the dead of night for a visit after everything's settled down and there's no chance his lawyers will be able to dispute the marriage. I have a carriage waiting for us. Why don't we just hurry up, and we'll figure everything out —
[Enter CAPTAIN SANGRE Y FUEGO and TWO OFFICERS.]
CAP. [With heavy and exaggerated Spanish accent.] Thtop righ' dere, Don Cornelio! I have in my han' a warrant for your arretht, rrrright herrrrrrrrrrrre. [He shows off a scroll of paper.]
LUC. [Frightened.] Cornelio! What's going on? I can't understand a word he says!
COR. Lucrezia, you know I love you, and I can assure you that I'd have run away with you regardless of what has happened — but there was a particular reason I needed to be gone tonight. The police have been after me.
LUC. For what?
COR. I killed no less than six of the Duke's men! [LUCREZIA gasps.] But only because they dared to claim that there was a girl more beautiful than you. [Everybody awws.] Don't worry, my love — I'll figure out something!
CAP. Yeth, I'm thure you will. Tha'th why I'm goi' to keep ahghtra clothe watch on jou. Thake hee' away! [Nothing happens; no one understood a word of it. Frustrated, the CAPTAIN begins to pronounce his words slowly and deliberately.] PleaZZZe, good sirZZZ, eSSScort this geNTLEman off to the wagon?
[The TWO OFFICERS grab CORNELIO by the arms and lead him away.]
LUC. Cornelio! Cornelio!
COR. Don't worry, Lucrezia! We'll see each other again! May I be hanged if it's not true!
OFF 1. Aren't you going to be hanged anyway?
COR. Let no one say I'm a liar.
[Exit CORNELIO and the OFFICERS. MELPOMENE begins taunting Thalia.]
MEL. Ha ha! Don't tell me you're so morbid as to laugh at a death sentence!
THA. Ha ha! Don't tell me you're so serious when you're doing just that!
MEL. [Taken aback.] Why, you —
[The booming voice of the CAPTAIN, addressing Lucrezia, silences the dispute. The Captain's accent grows slightly more subtle from here on out, and only his strangest mispronunciations will be recorded from this point. PURRICINELLA remains on stage, awaiting an opportunity to be heard.]
CAP. So! That was your fiancé? Does that mean you're available now?
[THE CAPTAIN moves eerily closer to Lucrezia.]
LUC. [Aside.] Oh, heaven! I don't like where this is going, and as a woman, I know that if a man is being creepy and scary, saying anything might only make it worse; so instead, I will smile and pretend this is all fine — that will deter him for sure.
[LUCREZIA smiles nervously.]
CAP. [Sensuously.] May I put my hands to work on that humongous chest of yours? I can hold one in each of my hands… [CAPTAIN suddenly reaches out; LUCREZIA cowers. He takes up two of her traveling trunks.] I'll help you take them over to your carriage. [LUCREZIA appears relieved.] But I will demand something in return! [He throws down the trunks and swoops LUCREZIA backward in his arms, so that she's practically upside down. Horror is very evident on her face.] Deny your attraction to me no longer, my thweet!
LUC. Your what?
CAP. My thweet, mi dulce…
LUC. Oh! “Sweet.” Uh… I think the blood is rushing to my head, being held this way…
CAP. Yes, how my own blood races through my veins with the furor of a thousand horses lit aflame, charred flesh filling the air, stampeding across fields of hacked up and disfigured babies fresh-cut from the wombs of their living mothers who scream in agony as they lay dying and gushing blood, and behind them crones and warlocks are performing a black mass — such is my feeling for you! Ah, my lovely, how I wish I could take you to my house right now, chain you to the bed and keep you locked up in the bedroom…
PUR. [Aside.] Alright, time to step in. [PURRICINELLA runs over to the Captain.] Signore —
CAP. [Irritated.] Go away, disturbing little troll-man. You dampen my magnificent ardor.
PUR. [Worried.] I'm not annoying you, am I?
CAP. You are.
PUR. I am not annoying you?
CAP. What is it you want?
PUR. If you want to get the pretty lady, someone told me you should give them presents.
CAP. I had a nice big one to give her till you showed up.
PUR. Awww. Well, I can help you find a new one.
CAP. [Extremely agitated.] God in heaven —
PUR. Where did you leave the other one?
CAP. Look, stop talking to me — why don't you just go run around in circles for a while or something?
PUR. Okay! [PURRICINELLA begins to run around in circles, but continues to talk to the Captain. The CAPTAIN is initially annoyed but grows more interested as Purricinella talks.] The other day, I was digging in my master's garden, and I found this big shiny rock — it was so pretty, and gave off such light! It was clear and was as big as my hand! Sometimes I see ladies at church or at the piazza wearing similar things on their ears or as brooches, so I thought it might make a good gift for a pretty girl — but I don't know any pretty girls, just ugly ones like my wife!
CAP. As big as your hand, you say? And you'd give it to me?
PUR. No! I'm not stupid — I would demand in exchange the sum of one chicken!
[The CAPTAIN drops LUCREZIA, who crawls away and hides while the men talk.]
CAP. And where is his shiny rock of yours right now?
PUR. At my master's house.
CAP. Why don't you go and bring it to me, so I can see it?
PUR. No! I'm not going to go all the way back home, get you the rock, go home again to drop off my chicken, and then have to come all the way back here to finish digging, and finally go home one more time.
CAP. [Suspicious.] What are you digging here?
PUR. Burying magic beans. [Whispers.] They're magic!
CAP. Ah, I see. I get a diamond while you get a chicken — well, I suppose it is only fair that I should go collect the prize myself. Would your wife show me where it is?
PUR. She doesn't know anything about it — she is jealous and strange. I buried it in the garden with the turnips, so I'd be certain to find it again. You know Doctor-Baloardo-who-I-work-for's-house?
CAP. Yeth, I theen the thoctor'th houth.
PUR. Yes, it see-saws to the south, as you say. So, go dig around in the garden and you'll find it without trouble. You can leave my chicken under the doormat, so I can find it when I get home and no one will see it. Is that all nice and fair?
CAP. Perfectly. Gracias, amigo! [Waves.]
PUR. [Waves excitedly back.] Merci-bonjour te-faire-foutre! [Aside.] There's no way he'll fail to wake the guard-dogs. Heh heh… maybe I won't have to dig up a cadaver afterall!
[LUCREZIA starts again to crawl away. PURRICINELLA suddenly runs and leaps onto a perch above Lucrezia's hiding place, putting his face about four inches from hers and talks with a bit too much excitement to not freak her out.]
LUC. Ah!
PUR. [Rapidly.] Are you Donna Lucrezia who the Doctor my boss always talks about and is supposed to marry?
LUC. Good God, no wonder women aren't supposed to leave the house! [Recovering.] I am Lucrezia, though “Donna” is not part of my title… it would have been, could I have married Cornelio… oh, heaven, my poor Cornelio! Why? Furies, Fates, Gods, why?
PUR. Maybe they're after your shoes.
[LUCREZIA stares at him.]
LUC. [Growing sad.] You are Doctor Baloardo's servant. You will tell him all of this, and I'll be ruined. I don't care, though — nothing can deal me a more cruel blow than losing Cornelio, and since I cannot experience joy without him, you will not be doing me any harm in causing me pain. [LUCREZIA starts to cry. PURRICINELLA starts to giggle, annoying her out of it.] What is the matter with you?
PUR. I don't want to tell the Doctor. I don't even like the Doctor — [Darkly, stupid.] His soul is made of spaghetti.
LUC. Er… what do you want, then?
PUR. You're such a pretty girl, and because you liked my dancing so much earlier and didn't beat me for it, I want you to be happy. I want to help you. Are you in looooove with Cornholio?
LUC. Cornelio. I love him to excess — I would rather die than never see him again!
PUR. If I dig him up again after they hang him, you can keep him in a box and see him all the time! [LUCREZIA starts to sob.] Don't cry. Maybe he won't get hanged. Then he'll be really angry when you put him in the box.
LUC. It would take a miracle — no amount of alchemical tricks can save him! I can change lead into gold, but I cannot save my Cornelio! Oh — leave me, leave me here to die so I can at least save everyone the trouble of transporting my body! [Both LUCREZIA and PURRICINELLA start to cry. She notices his tears and starts to feel bad.] Oh, you poor thing; I'm sorry to upset you. You're a good person — you even saved me from that awful Captain… oh… I suppose things can't get any worse anyway, maybe it'll be alright if you try to help me. Here, help me get my luggage over to the carriage; we can think of something on the way home.
[LUCREZIA picks up two of her trunks and drags them away. PURRICINELLA starts to pick up the other two, but lags behind. Exit LUCREZIA.]
PUR. Indeed, Puricinella, lie like hell or else they might think you're dishonest… what am I being punished for, that obliges me to be nice to people?
[Exit PURRICINELLA, with chests.]
MEL. I truly do not feel that things are taking a cheerful, lighthearted turn here. Rather I see things headed toward angst — angst, woe and yellow bile for all! Purricinella is just manipulating everyone to his own end, and you said yourself he's a malicious fellow… [THALIA points her finger at Melpomene, and begins moving slowly towards her.] What are you doing?
THA. Poking you slowly.
MEL. Why? [MELPOMENE tries to move aside but THALIA just changes the angle of her finger and continues.]
THA. This is a poke; even though it's yet to happen, you know you are about to be poked… it's coming… it's coming…
MEL. [Distracted.] Hey! There's the Captain! He made it!
THA. Oh? [THALIA turns to look, and when she does so jams her finger swiftly into Melpomene's stomach.]
[Enter The CAPTAIN, covered in blood and fastening up his clothes.]
CAP. I shall relate to you the tale of my great bravery, for I have just come out of my fiercest battle yet. After learning of that freaky little troll-baby and his diamond, the first thing I did was stop at my house and kill a fresh chicken for him, just in case he should come back home while I was searching for the gem; and hastily, I carried it over to Doctor Baloardo's house. But when I arrived, I found the front gate to be locked! I was not about to be so easily cut off from my diamond, so I wrapped the hen up in my shirt and used my hands to climb the wall. But, that stupid lump of lard had forgotten, when giving me the instructions, to notify me of the guard dogs! Now, I have often been complimented, for my body is so thick and muscular that I am said to smell just like ground beef! If that weren't enough to attract the hounds, the bloody chicken stuck down my shirt certainly was. I did the logical thing; I grabbed the poultry and threw it across the yard, hoping to send the dogs after it. The bird sailed into the neighboring yard, out of reach to the dogs, who at any event still pursued me. It was then I came to realize the chicken blood on my clothes was still drawing them; so quick as I could, I undressed, and flung away my garments to them. They were distracted, and this allowed me to race ahead and escape into the neighboring yard. The trouble was, my thrown chicken had woken the neighbor — it had flown through his window — and on finding me half-dressed in his yard, he presumed me to be his wife's lover, trying to escape the house. He confronted me; but by this time I was calming down and returning to my senses, and I was not about to be bullied by this little lameculo. He came up to me and cried: “So you're the man who's been sleeping with my wife!” And I said to him, “Sir, I wouldn't sleep with your whore wife if she were the last mattress in town!” And at that, I was left with no choice but to use my strong, handsome, manly face to punch him in the fist! No one bests Captain Sangre y Fuego! [Looks around.] And now that pasty pile of phlegm and the girl are gone! Something makes me think that slime-dripping little snail isn't as dumb as he seems…
[Exit CAPTAIN. The MUSES stare at each other ominously.]