Scene 5
SCENE FIVE.
Pantalone's house.
[LUCREZIA, alone.]
LUC. [Sadly.] Tonight looks to be my final night as an unmarried woman. I had better make the most of it. [LUCREZIA unbuttons the front of her dress, grabs a bottle of wine which she starts to chug, runs around the room making high pitched squealing noises. She flashes people out the window a couple of times, then begins pouring wine over her head. The then pulls herself back together again.] That did absolutely nothing for me.
[Enter The DOCTOR, and The CAPTAIN, running. They knock LUCREZIA to the floor.]
DOC. Quickly, quickly! Before they corrupt her immortal soul!
CAP. Do not worry — I will beat the demons from her!
[The CAPTAIN raises his fist.]
LUC. What are you doing?
DOC. We were passing outside when we saw you through the window, screaming and making obscene gestures. We thought you were possessed by the Devil!
LUC. No, no. Just celebrating my last night of unwedded bliss… unless being possessed would help postpone the wedding?
DOC. Postpone? Don't tell me your father hasn't told you?
LUC. Uh… well, since I have no idea what you are talking about, I would guess that he hasn't, but it's hard to say; please provide me with more information so that I can make a well-informed conclusion.
DOC. This afternoon, he learned how little I was paying Purricinella for his service, and he became furious! I even offered to pay that worthless servant half my monthly income to make up for it, but Pantalone still wouldn't be appeased! He has forbidden me to marry you. But don't worry, my dear! I'm not about to accept my fate! I'll find some way to change Pantalone's mind.
LUC. [Bursting into tears of joy, screaming to the sky.] Oh, merciful heavens! I'm so happy! Oh, thank you, thank you!
DOC. [Aside.] Wow! I didn't even think she liked me. [To Lucrezia.] Yes, yes — don't worry. I'll figure out something. Take courage! [Pause.] That lump of raw pastry isn't around here, is he? Purricinella, I mean.
LUC. [Joyously wiping away tears.] No, I haven't seen him since he ran off this afternoon.
DOC. And neither have I! The house is a mess and I'm being driven crazy by that wife of his — an unholy concoction made from shrew and walrus! I set out to look for him and this kind fellow, Captain Sangre y Fuego, offered to help.
CAP. Hello, my dear. We have met.
DOC. Perhaps your father knows something. I'll go ask — hopefully that ancient scrap of dried-out cheese will behave with a little more civility this time.
[Exit DOCTOR.]
DOC. [Offstage.] Signore Pantalone — aaaahhh!
[Sounds of struggle and beatdown are heard offstage. CAPTAIN and LUCREZIA ignore it.]
LUC. I don't have to marry the Doctor now! My heart is overflowing with joy!
CAP. I am ehghaulted by your pleathure. But further rehhoice! Now I can marry you!
LUC. [Laughing.] Oh, I'm sorry. It's a kind offer but you are far too disgusting — I'd sooner marry Purricinella than an arrogant Spaniard like you.
CAP. Arrogant! How dare someone like you accuse Captain Sangre y Fuego of being arrogant? And disgusting? Just look at the hair on my chest!
[CAPTAIN rips open his doublet, revealing a threadbare and shredded undershirt.]
LUC. Should I add “impoverished” to your list of attributes?
CAP. What, you think my shirt became this way from years and years of use, and that because I spend all my money on arms, beer and hair pomade I simply cannot afford a new one? Well, you are wrong! It has become this way because I am such an exceedingly fierce and violent man, that whenever I become angry, the hairs which cover my body like a fur coat tremble and stand on end so sharply that they riddle my shirt full of holes so that you might mistake it for a sieve! This shirt is not even a week old, I swear on my mother's chastity.
LUC. Fine; I'll accord with you. But only because I want you to shut up.
CAP. Okay, I will shut up, but after saying one last thing — if you value the life of your Cornelio, you will marry me.
LUC. [Horrified.] What do you mean?
CAP. Oh! A few second ago she's telling me to shut up, now the fickle woman wants me blathering on with explanations!
LUC. You're right — don't tell me.
[LUCREZIA turns away from the Captain.]
CAP. [Angry that she's not playing along.] Accursed woman. I will have you know that it is within my power to release Don Cornelio from imprisonment and allow him to escape execution, but I will only do it after you and I have been married! He's meant to be hanged tomorrow, so you must decide quickly on an answer.
LUC. Oh, God! Once again my joy is so short lived! Captain Sacré Bleu —
CAP. Sangre y Fuego!
LUC. As you say. Signor… must you be so cruel, to force me to save the life of the only man I would want to marry by marrying you?
CAP. Cruel? I'm doing you a favor! Haven't you seen that man's hair?
LUC. Please! Spare him and I'll do anything else you want, but don't make me marry you!
CAP. In my youth I might have accepted such an offer, and responded with a list of depraved acts to force you into performing. But now I realize that if I marry you, I can force you to do all that anyway, and my laundry as well!
LUC. Captain! Please! Take pity!
CAP. I am Captain Sangre y Fuego, bravest of the brave, strongest of the strong, tyrannical killer and master of the universe. I break hearts as easily as I break the shell of this nut! [He takes a nut from a dish and struggles to crack it with his fingers. Failing, he picks up a nutcracker and tries again to no avail. He throws the nut on the ground and begins to jump up and down on it, but it still remains intact.] Stupid nut — trying to put one over on me… [He picks up a big, heavy piece of furniture and drops it on top of the nut. Whether it cracks is unknown, but at least it's not longer offending his eyes. Proudly:] Nothing worth achieving is easily achieved!
LUC. Is there nothing that can move your demonic soul?
CAP. Nothing other than what I ask. You won't be marrying your Cornelio if he's hanged anyway, so what is the trouble? Marry me tomorrow, and his life will be spared.
LUC. [Weeping madly.] Oh God! I'll do it! Fates, forgive me! I will marry you to save Cornelio!
CAP. Ehghthellent.
[Enter The DOCTOR, frightened.]
DOC. Let's get out of here — I've just barely escaped with my life! Pantalone threw a fit when he saw me again! If it weren't for that old geezer's incontinence, I'd have never escaped! Out, quickly, before he finishes changing his pants!
CAP. [To Lucrezia.] Goodnight, Signorina — or should I say Signora?
[Exit CAPTAIN and DOCTOR.]
LUC. Oh, heavens! Oh — what have I done? I get out of one deplorable promise of marriage and immediately I'm thrown into another! Oh, Cornelio, Cornelio, my love! It is for you alone I endure this suffering! And yet doing so ensures that I will never know happiness with you. [Collapses sobbing.] But wait… my father! He'll never allow me to marry the Captain! And surely the Captain can't blame me if it's beyond my control! I'm saved!
[Enter PANTALONE, with his dagger, obviously looking for The Doctor.]
LUC. Father! The Captain wants me to marry him tomorrow!
PAN. [Preoccupied.] That's great — you two kids have a crazy time. Where is that damned Doctor?
[Exit PANTALONE. LUCREZIA, forlorn, weeps.]