Scene 3
SCENE THREE.
The house of Signor Pantalone.
[LUCREZIA, alone.]
LUC. How quickly time passes! My wedding to the Doctor is all prepared for tomorrow. Likewise, so is the execution of my dear Cornelio scheduled. Cruel heavens — if things continue by your direction, and go according to the plans you have for me, I swear I will get my revenge by boring you to death with more monologues! [She throws herself to the floor. Dramatic anguish.] Take me instead, tyrannical deities! Or is it your plan to make me die, instead, of grief?! [Starts to weep loudly.]
[Enter PANTALONE, DOCTOR and PURRICINELLA with party accessories and noisemakers. LUCREZIA cries harder.]
PAN. Aww! Look at the poor girl! She's so unhappy. Cheer up, my dear; there's no need for that. We want you to be nice and cheerful! We're having a celebration party.
LUC. I'm sorry. Here you are having a party for me, and I'm ruining it with my melancholy emotions.
PAN. For you? Oh, no, no — this party is for me. It's my Congratulations-for-Getting-Rid-of-Your-Daughter Party. I just need you in a good mood because it's your job to cook all the food. The last thing I want on a happy occasion such as this is for the pudding to be all watered down with tears. That would be disgusting!
DOC. I brought over my servant Purricinella to help you. [Begins beating PURRICINELLA to force him over toward her.]
PAN. Since it's a special occasion, I'll let you splurge, and so you can use equal parts of flour to dirt today! Also try to use up that milk that went bad last week. Make certain the Doctor's little homunculus knows all this too.
PUR. [Feigning.] I'm so stupid, I can't understand a word you say even though you're standing two feet away from me!
DOC. Yes, yes. We all know this, and I'm glad that you do as well.
[The DOCTOR pats Purricinella on the head three times, with the final pat being more of a slap. PANTALONE hugs Lucrezia.]
PAN. God, I am so happy to be getting rid of you!
[Exit PANTALONE and DOCTOR.]
LUC. I imagine he'll want us to be using dirty water as well — he always says at dinner that it's good for you because it fills you up faster.
PUR. Reminds me how the Doctor tells me that my hump is nothing but fat and to starve myself will reduce its size.
LUC. One time, my father beat me for eating too much, and then recalled afterward he'd been the one that ate the food!
PUR. Oh, I know that one. And one time, the Doctor got so mad at me he threw a jar of acid in my face!
[LUCREZIA and PURRICINELLA have a good laugh.]
LUC. Oh, I'm glad to see you again, Purricinella! Since last I saw you, after you dropped me back home from the cemetery, I've been so incredibly miserable. I don't know what to do for Cornelio, who is on the very verge of dying!
[LUCREZIA begins to cry again.]
PAN. [Calling from offstage.] Lucrezia, I hear crying but no cooking! You don't want to ruin your father's celebration, do you?
[LUCREZIA, wiping away tears, grabs a bucket and hands it to PURRICINELLA.]
LUC. Would you go and fill this up with some water? I'll start chopping onions, since it will not matter if they should make my eyes water.
[Exit LUCREZIA.]
PUR. Fill the bucket with water… such an easy task…
[PURRICINELLA kicks over the bucket and begins to run around the room, laughing loudly, putting on the act of stupidity verging on insanity. He jumps up on top of the overturned bucket. Enter PANTALONE.]
PAN. That sounds like merriment, not drudgery! What is the meaning of this?
PUR. Signorina Lucrezia went to chop some onions. She gave me a task to do but I didn't know how to do it, so I thought I should wait until she comes back to get the instructions.
PAN. What did she tell you to do?
PUR. She didn't tell me, she asked me.
PAN. Alright, what did she ask you to do?
PUR. Who are you talking about?
PAN. Lucrezia! What did she ask you to do?
PUR. Oh! Ummmmm… I've forgotten.
PAN. Dear God… okay, well, you're standing on a bucket. Did that maybe have something to do with it?
PUR. [Knowingly.] Maybe.
PAN. [Slowly.] Did she tell you to put something inside the bucket?
PUR. She didn't tell —
PAN. Did she ask you to put something inside the bucket? No wonder the Doctor didn't want to leave you alone in this house!
[PURRICINELLA stands there looking confused.]
PUR. Did the doctor tell Lucrezia to ask me in the bucket at the house… what…? I don't know…
PAN. [Very annoyed.] Get off the bucket and pick it up. [PURRICINELLA jumps off the bucket, and picks it up.] Now. Search that dungheap of a brain you have, for a moment. What did Lucrezia ask you to do with the bucket?
PUR. She asked me to fill it!
PAN. Finally! Now. With what did she ask you to fill it?
PUR. Water!
PAN. Good! Why don't you go and do that, then?
PUR. I don't because I don't know where there is any water.
PAN. The pump is by the doorway, right there.
PUR. Oh, okay… but how is that going to help me find water?
PAN. [Beside himself.] Take the bucket over there and set it next to the pump!
PUR. Alright.
[PURRICINELLA spins around toward the doorway, swinging the bucket so that it hits PANTALONE in the crotch. After a moment to recover, the vecchio maneuvers himself to follow. PURRICINELLA sets the bucket near the pump.]
PAN. Now, you see how there is a handle across the top? Pull on it. [PURRICINELLA begins to pull the handle sideways instead of up, so that it doesn't budge. After a few seconds of struggle — ] Oh, heaven! An idiot at your level — I don't know how you've managed to survive for so long!
PUR. The Doctor gives me lamb and veal for breakfast each morning, and a gallon of Bordeaux wine each day! [PANTALONE looks horrified.] He gives me so much, I can't even eat it all! I have to throw out at least half of it… [PANTALONE reaches for his chest like he's having a heart attack.] And he pays me money in addition to all that! [PANTALONE collapses in a faint.] Too bad I don't know how to get at the water, or I'd revive him…
PAN. [Coming to.] Lamb… veal… money! How can the Doctor squander all that on someone like you?
PUR. Because he likes me?
PAN. I know for a fact that he doesn't! Oh, what an impractical fellow! Preechy-neechy, whatever your name is… get the water!
PUR. I still don't know how.
PAN. Pull the handle upward!
PUR. I'm trying! [He pulls it again at an angle, so it doesn't budge.]
PAN. Oh, for heaven's sake, like this! [PANTALONE crawls over to the pump and places his hands on the handle next to Purricinella's.] And you pull up —
PUR. This way?
[PURRICINELLA suddenly pulls up the handle with great force; it hits Pantalone in the face. PANTALONE screams.]
PAN. Ah! Ah! My nose! I'm bleeding!
PUR. [Calling out.] Doctor Baloardo! Doctor Baloardo!
[Enter The DOCTOR.]
DOC. What in God's name is going on here?
PAN. My nose! My poor nose! Oh, your idiot servant had broken it!
DOC. Let me see… looks like you're bleeding.
PUR. [In fake awe.] Is he really?
DOC. I know just how to fix this — leeches! I'll go get them.
PAN. Keep your damned leeches away from me, fiend! I know how much you pay this man! [Indicating PURRICINELLA.] It's criminal! And how you feed him!
DOC. [Stricken with horror and guilt.] Oh! Well… ah…
PAN. If I didn't hate my daughter so much, I'd forbid you to marry her! Behaving as you do…! Let me through, I'll tend to this myself!
[Exit PANTALONE.]
DOC. [To PURRICINELLA.] You told him how I only feed you my leftovers, and pay you one lead coin a month? And Pantalone, the stingiest man in all of Genoa, thinks it criminal — even against a servant as inept as you? Good heavens! I must marry that daughter of his — her work will win me so much money and fame — so, I suppose, it's worth it to pay you a little more if it'll ensure that the wedding actually occurs. Starting tonight, you can eat all you want, and I'll increase your pay to a coin per week!
PUR. Wow!
PAN. I'd better go tell Pantalone right away.
[Exit The DOCTOR. PURRICINELLA bursts into laughter.]
PUR. Ah! I love it! Oh, I wonder if I should quit while I'm ahead… no, no. Best to stick to the original plan.
[Enter DOCTOR and PANTALONE, with his nose bandaged. Doctor is running from Pantalone who chases him with a raised dagger.]
PAN. [Enraged and maniacal.] Four coins a month?! Four coins a month?!
DOC. I'll make it eight!
[PANTALONE screams with fury and picks up his speed. Exit DOCTOR and PANTALONE.]
[PURRICINELLA begins quietly pumping water into the bucket. Enter LUCREZIA.]
LUC. Oh, good! You got the water for me. Thank you.
[She takes the bucket.]
PUR. I was thinking. I was thinking about Cornelio — where is he imprisoned?
LUC. Oh! Let's not talk about him, please. I just stopped crying a few minutes ago.
PUR. Maybe we could go where he is, and ask him to come out.
LUC. [Sad smile.] Oh, innocence! After he was taken, I learned that he is being held in Grimaldina Tower. I already wrote a letter to the Duke, begging him to change his mind, but it won't do any —
PUR. [Racing out.] See you later! I'm going to go get him!
[Exit PURRICINELLA.]
LUC. Purricinella, wait! …Oh! He's such a sweet little man… I hope the guards won't be too hard on him.
[Exit LUCREZIA.]
MEL. Well, that's lovely! He can pretend to be as dumb as he likes; there's no way he's going to be able to get into Grimaldina Tower, let alone convince anyone there to release one of the prisoners.
THA. We have seen how cleverly he can use his feigned stupidity — just try to call this a Dramatic Tragedy after what he just pulled on Signor Pantalone!
MEL. Just try to say it's funny after I smash your face!
[MELPOMENE chases THALIA off the stage. Exeunt.]