Act 3
Scene 1.
Gerontes and Colombine.
COL. I tell you truth, sir, I gave your box of jewels to that knave.
GER. What has he done with them, has he lost them? ‘Tis enough, I know it, and keep my temper; but speak of a more grateful subject.
COL. Though your servant, through malice, affronted me, as I told you; yet, in return of your kindness towards me, I prefer your service to the revenge of the affront. I have managed so well, as to think that Isabella is not averse to hearken to your passion. I’ll call her, you shall speak to her yourself; I have smoothed the way for you, sir; and if a man loves, and will explain himself in the most forcible and nervous words, he need not fear success. But, good! See here she comes! You’ll know her intentions; you need not then to beat the air in vain, in amorous raptures, or reckon it your misfortune that your words are not gilded o’er. [Enter Isabella.]
SCENE 2.
Gerontes, Colombine, Isabella.
GER. With what hopes, madam will you flatter my passion and suffer an old man to pay you homage? I know that ladies of your age are apt to hearken to our stories but with trouble and disdain; but I have a heart that is neither false nor vain; if I love, ‘tis from my soul, and what I possess is all yours.
ISA. Your heart is certainly an advantageous offer: you are rich, and I not so, which is as great a means to make us happy as poverty miserable; and if I may explain myself here frankly, Gerontes, I believe I know you well, and you ought to know me: I'll give you my sentiments in two words, in saying, that ‘tis agreeable to me to be married; but then ‘tis hard to have a master and bear the misfortune of a jealous husband.
GER. Ah! Never think I’ll be a domestic tyrant. I know how to govern a family.
ISA. I know an old man will exercise an absolute power; the weaker he is, the more he'll pretend to domineer; he’ll quarrel with a feather, and keep up his anger against a youthful heart, on purpose to control and make it truckle to him. Such a power as this would be insupportable, and give me the vapors, or else raise my passion to the last resentment: I had a rather live in conversation, and not be a prisoner, love a peaceable husband with respect, have my liberty without reserve, and never make an ill-use of it. Gerontes, I have here drawn my own character, which is only proper for them to know we would fix with. Will this suit with your temper? Will you agree to these conditions? Are you for marriage or no? You say nothing! You seem by your silence to be confounded, that you are neither pleased with one or the other.
COL. No, no, have a better opinion; he's impatient to be your husband. It would be too barefaced a lie, to say an old man would not be jealous; but excess of passion ruins all. If too much jealousy has seized his mind, and made his love a torment to him, the indolence of a patient wife may reconcile his rage, and quench the imperious flame. He takes you to be prudent, and loves you; and every glance you give increases still his love.
ISA. Ah! These are false proofs of love, and carry such a poison with them that he cannot cure.
COL. True love will bear a great deal, especially where there is an advantage: if you will give your consent, you will find an answer so far in your account as to dissipate all your melancholy apprehensions.
GER. ‘Tis enough; let’s say no more on this subject.
COL. When a man loves to excess, ‘tis folly to stick at trifles. We cannot expect a good husband to pass by everything, but, if he sees with his eyes, he knows when to hold his tongue. As for the rest, it shall be to your own wishes; you shall be mistress of his table and his family.
GER. Cut, slash, divide, give away; you have my consent. By my wealth I hope to cover the defects of age; say but the word and I am ready.
ISA. Fair and softly, Gerontes, if you please; not that my heart renounces you; but I shall resolve on nothing without advising, and I will give you my answer today. Adieu; leave me to myself for a moment. [Exit Isabella and Colombine.]
SCENE 3.
Harlequin Jr., Gerontes.
[Enter Harlequin Jr. with his casket of jewels.]
GER. I'll go to a notary, and order him to draw the contract -- but see there, my rogue, what can he say now, or pretend he has done? He has got the casket of jewels in his hand, perhaps he comes to give ‘em me. I'll go softly to him, and before he perceives me, attempt to seize them.
HAR. JR. [Fancying himself alone, and looking over the jewels.] As I am a stranger, if I go to sell ‘em, they may take me for a rogue and hang me up. There Dame Justice, at the sight of such a rich prey, may chance to apprehend me, and stop my return to Italy with the prize.
GER. [Appearing.] No, traitor, no, thou robber; thou shalt not go so far, I have taken thee in the fact. Well now, what have you to say?
HAR. JR. [Looking on Gerontes, whom he knows not.] I say, I have no occasion for an old monkey to make me laugh. This old screech-owl has the air of a Knight of the Post.
GER. Villain! Is it thus you speak to your master?
HAR. JR. And is it thus, Master Coxcomb, that you speak to people whom you know not? Be gone quickly, or I shall break your pate.
GER. What do I hear! Just heaven! What horrid impudence! Shall a rogue after he has robbed me, add to all this his threats, and disown me?
HAR. JR. Honest man, out of what tavern came you lately, and what wine did you drink, white or red, Burgundy or Champagne?
GER. Ah! I cannot bear this insult! I shall go mad. Traitor, restore what you have stole; give me my jewels again, or dread the consequences.
HAR. JR. [Aside.] See what a master thief this is, who knows my adventure, and has pursued me.
GER. What can you say, that you don’t return what you have stole? Do it handsomely.
HAR. JR. Old man, you want a beating…? My patience is worn out; and if you don’t quit the place, you shall feel the weight of my fist presently.
GER. Do you speak thus to me, traitor; to Gerontes, your master?
HAR. JR. To you! Why, whence come you? I know not, neither am I known to you; therefore don’t come nearer, except you want a beating.
GER. The height of insolence! What, do I sleep? Are you not Harlequin? Had not you my jewels in the little casket? Did I not give them into your hands myself? And were not you to carry ‘em as a present to Isabella? Were they not presented by Colombine to that lady? And were they not again returned into your hands by the same Colombine? Say, rascal -- are not you the worst of men, to deny this theft thus obstinately?
HAR. JR. Have patience, old gentleman; don't be angry, and tell me, I beseech you, where you had this vision. I have waited almost this quarter of an hour to swallow the fumes of your fancy, and the discourse is scarce yet ended. ‘Tis true, I'm called Signor Harlequin, but the devil take me if in all my life I ever saw or spoke with you before, nay, or ever had an inclination. And if anybody has robbed you, pursue him, follow him -- you are at your liberty; but leave Harlequin to return to the banks of the Tiber. Your servant. [He offers to go, Gerontes holds him by the arm.]
GER. Hold, hold, sirrah. You shall not escape with my jewels, but be punished for robbery.
HAR. JR. And you, master cheat, with your rogues’ tricks -- do you think to take away what does not belong to you? Let me go, you old rogue! I say let me go!
GER. I will hold you, sirrah.
HAR. JR. If you quit me not, I’ll pluck your beard to the last hair. [He pulls his beard.]
GER. A thief! A thief!
HAR. JR. Let me go, then.
GER. A thief! Help, gentlemen, help!
HAR. JR. Won’t you hold your tongue?
GER. Villain!
HER. JR. You court your own misfortune.
GER. Rogue!
HAR. JR. I’ll satisfy you for your jewels -- here, take payment. [He beats him.]
GER. Hey, hey! A commissary, a commissary! What a wicked attempt is this! My servant has robbed me and beat me. I’ll fly to justice, and be revenged on the wretch. [Exit.]
SCENE 4.
Harlequin Jr., alone.
Do you see this old put with his story? He thought to have decoyed me; and if I had not presently confounded him, with what an air of impudence he would have made me believe it! But I should soon have spoiled his whiskers. I have secured the jewel in the bottom of my pocket. This Paris, plague take it, is half full of thieves; but as I think he spoke of a commissary, I have terrible apprehensions of those black cattle. They are a sight I like not; ‘tis hazardous to escape their greedy paws. I'll figure something. [Exit.]
SCENE 5.
Harlequin.
[Harlequin enters.]
The more I think, the worse I am; the more my trouble increases, and the less I find how to be relieved. Ah, unhappy Colombine! Must I ever be scorned for this infamous trick! I, who was the pearl of goodness, the cream of faithfulness, the true mirror of innocence, the receptacle of sweetness, and the vessel of sincerity -- and now like a base poltroon, to love thee after this infidelity! What will the good man my master say to me, how shall I count for that impudent theft? Since the fatal accident, I cannot look him in the face. My spirits are sunk, my senses lost; I seek for rest but find none; I seek in vain to drown my cares in the bottle, all the night they perplex me. Though my head is well-made, I cannot support my melancholy by the force of wine -- but don't I perceive Gerontes at a distance? At his presence my bowels grumble, the blood boils with a burning bashfulness.
SCENE 6.
Gerontes and Harlequin.
GER. [Musing on the stage.] ...I have made my complaint to the commissary, who will be here presently -- see -- there’s my rogue -- thanks to heaven, he’s not gone. I shall lay him so fast by the heels, that he shan’t easily get his liberty again. How thoughtful and grave he looks! I’ll warrant he’s now full of his roguery. He mutters something between his tooth, and walks about shaking his head, and then stops suddenly, with his hand lifted up to his head. He’s all in a bath -- see how he sweats, leaning his chin on his arm, he seems very uneasy. Oh, how tormenting is a guilty conscience!
HAR. [Coming out of his surprise.] Hear me, sir, what I have to say. You’ll see if my fidelity --
GER. Come not near me, impudent varlet!
HAR. What have I done to deserve all this anger? What is my crime?
GER. Undoubtedly I should be in the wrong to put it up -- to vaunt thus before my face, after you have robbed me of my jewels. To abuse thus my old age, and beat me, ought not this to be complained of?
HAR. I robbed you! I beat you! Ah! You wrong an honest man too much! What pleasure can you take in dissembling thus? For my part, I am much more concerned at the loss of your jewels than you yourself are, and in the height of passion, notwithstanding my love for Colombine, loaded her with the most rigorous reproaches as soon as I heard of this base cheat. Tell me only where they are concealed, and you shall see how faithful and diligent Harlequin will be to discover and ferret them out.
GER.Traitorous imposter! Hangtrace dog! Instead of insulting me in this manner, thou ought’st to give them me again, since I have surprised them in thy hands --
HAR. In my hands! When?
GER. Just now.
HAR. Certainly, sir, you dream.
GER. I dream!
HAR. Surely, sir, your eyes were very bad, or else your spectacles -- where could you see me? For I never stirred out of the tavern.
GER. I admire the impudence of the rascal! Yes, sirrah, I have good eyes, and keep ‘em not shut neither: but I wish I had had no back, or you no hands. Here comes the commissary, who’ll make you change your note.
Scene 7.
Gerontes, Harlequin, Commissary, and Three Archers.
COM. Is this the rogue?
GER. Yes, sir.
COM. [To his archers.] Seize that fellow. [They seize Harlequin.]
HAR. I, sir! For what?
COM. We’ll let you know.
HAR. What have I done?
COM. Enough to hang you.
GER. Before, sir, you take him away, examine him.
COM. That I’ll do immediately; but let us see whether the rogue has not your jewels about him, that they may be put into the Register’s hands, for we shall expect some share of the spoil. Where are they?
GER. On him.
COM. That's well; then we'll search him carefully, and afterwards prosecute him.
HAR. [To the archers that search him.] I see your hands know the way to the bottoms of my pockets. Put not the casket upon me, and search Harlequin with all my heart -- maybe it is hid in my eye, mouth, or somewhere else. Look sharp -- well, have you searched everywhere?
COM. How happens it that we find nothing upon this fellow? Justice, sir, lives not by words, look’ee; if you would have her speak in your favor, since we cannot meet with these jewels, you must advance some pistoles. We shall be the more ready to serve you in what lies in our power; my clerk shall be accountable for them.
Scene 8.
Pierrot, Gerontes, Harlequin, Commissary, and Archers.
PIE. What! My friend insulted! I must relieve him; there's no time to consider. Stand off, scoundrels. Let him go -- I'll maul you! [Strikes the Archers, who run away.]
GER. [Running away.] I’ll get away as fast as I can.
HAR. Ah! Master Commissary. [Beating him.] Methinks your coat’s dusty, I’ll brush it for you. [The Commissary runs away.] Goodbye, Commissary, when your coat wants brushing, come to me again.
SCENE 9.
Harlequin and Pierrot.
HAR. You have helped me out purely at a dead life.
PIE. Yes; but let us make the best of our way, lest they come back again. Hold -- there's the money, and thy purse.The twenty ducats you put into my hands are in it, but let us leave this place.
HAR. This will bear a good argument, and I take it with a great deal of pleasure. Harlequin never is so nice as to refuse money, but tell me who I am obliged to for this so seasonable relief? Be pleased to tell me your name, that I may know how to pay my acknowledgments to so hearty a friend.
PIE. What a plague makes thee forget thy friend Pierrot?
HAR. What, Pierrot?
PIE. Why, Pierrot -- one who is no fool.
HAR. You Pierrot! Who are you? If I have the honor to know you, may I never have drank with you?
PIE. Art thou often thus?
HAR. He must certainly have a little too much wine in his noddle.
PIE. By my faith, he’s a fool.
HAR. Very pleasant, upon my word.
PIE. Are you not Harlequin?
HAR. Yes, without a doubt.
PIE. Did you not yesterday arrive here from Italy?
HAR. Who, I? Thou dreamst. I have not eat a bit of sea-biscuit these ten years -- see how drink makes the wisest men fools? -- but if my eyes don’t fail me, I see my master coming with my thieving baggage. I know who’d be the fool if I should stay. [Exeunt.]
SCENE 10.
Gerontes, Colombine.
GER. Come, go to the commissary’s, and swear against this rogue.
COL. Is this fair, sir? Some remains of love interposes on his behalf. Was he only to run the hazard of a whipping, I should give him a lifting hand; but as the punishment which such perfidy deserves is hanging for a quarter hour, or so, I must beg your pardon.
GER. What! Can you have any compassion for this villain?
COL. As I have an heart naturally tender, and some remains of friendship left, I cannot think of seeing him hanged. But I believe I can do you some better service. Can this loss of your jewels stifle all the love which my mistress hath inspired you with, and is this the return you make me for my care and service?
GER. No, no, Colombine, I cannot forget my love for Isabella. How happy I should be, if by thy office I could gain her.
COL. See, here she comes. Use all your arguments with her, and make her consent; for nothing is impossible nowadays to one who is both rich and in love.
SCENE 11.
Isabella, Gerontes, Colombine.
GER. Madam, must I still sigh in vain: reign sole mistress of my heart and wealth, and give your hand to one who offers you his all?
COL. Consent to satisfy the desires of the amorous Gerontes; what need is there for so much boggling at so easy a word? Why do you sillily defend what must at last be given him?
ISA. You overcome at last my resistance, and triumph, since the great difference in our ages shall not prevent my being yours.
SCENE 12.
Octavio, Gerontes, Isabella, Colombine.
OCT. [Entering hastily.] Heavens, what is it I hear, madam? Is it possible you can love this old man and be insensible to my ardent flame and violent passion?
ISA. I have told you often, and now repeat it to you again: your sighs are all in vain. I am not for you.
OCT. Cruel woman!
ISA. Indeed, this may make you angry, but the more you urge me, the more averse I shall be. I think I had better be cruel to you than so to myself. When we marry, ‘tis forever; and I shall not be guilty of so great a folly as to marry one who never knew the way to gain an heart; and if you could not please when a lover, ‘tis unlikely you should when an husband. You express your love and tenderness only by fine words; but believe me, that man loves but little that values his money more than his mistress.
OCT. And do you prefer that unworthy rival before me?
ISA. You are young and covetous -- he old and generous, which is a thing somewhat uncommon. In short, I like him. The business is resolved on, and no more words about it. If this pill is a little too bitter for you, you may go and comfort yourself with your bags.
OCT. That I will; and since a man is not to be loved but at his expense, rather than endure the martyrdom of squandering away my money, which my heart is so set on, I'll stifle all sparks of love and renounce all womankind. Farewell. Make much of your old man. [Exit.]
SCENE 13.
Isabella, Gerontes, Colombine.
ISA. Without doubt, I have made a good match -- Gerontes, support that good character which is seldom to be met with in one of your years, and I'll endeavor to show my love and please you. You shall not find me like other young women here in Paris, who marry old men for their riches, and keep their gallants, or else get divorces and so become the town talk; who run everyday to fortune tellers to know how soon they shall be widowed, and go to entertainments, balls and plays while their poor husbands, who are so remediless, stay at home to see how the pot boils. I accept your offer, will be ever yours, and by my tender love show how agreeable an old man is when virtue is our guide.
COL. To complete your joy, there is nothing wanting but the recovering the booty the traitor Harlequin hath made off with... but what has heaven sent us here?
SCENE 14.
Isabella, Gerontes, Colombine, and the Two Harlequins entering on each side of the stage.
COL. [Seeing the two Harlequins both at once.] What is it I see, madam? There are two Harlequins as like as two peas. [The Two Harlequins, seeing each other, put themselves into strange postures to show their surprise.]
GER. I am amazed!
ISA. ‘Tis very strange.
GER. Let us see which of these two ought to be hanged.
COL. [Looking at them both.] Do my eyes see double?
ISA. The more I see them, the more I am confounded.
COL. I’ll examine them, and see which one will answer -- Harlequin?
BOTH. Colombine!
COL. The longer I look at them, the more I am undetermined. Ye cheats, tell me which of you is the true Harlequin -- speak, and answer me.
BOTH. I am.
GER. I say they ought both to be hanged -- one for a thief, and the other for a devil.
COL. Maybe by feeling of them I may know better. Come both to me. [Both go, making the same bows and gestures.] They are flesh and blood, have the same body, size, bellies and flat noses. One of them is the devil, or they are twins.
HAR. JR. Oh! My brother there must be hanged!
HAR. I’d like to have been twice, but got bravely off.
HAR. JR. Dear elder brother, is it thee?
HAR. Dear younger brother, is it thee?
HAR. JR. How glad I am to see thee!
HAR. How pleased am I! I am the very same that you thought was hanged.
HAR. JR. Give me leave to embrace thee, and taste the pleasures of this happy meeting. [They embrace each other in a very comical manner.]
COL. [To Harlequin Senior after the embracing is over.] Well, but the jewels!
HAR. Ah, Colombine, leave off playing the fool, and give my master of thy mistress the jewels -- why should you put this pretended theft upon me?
HAR. JR. Don't trouble your head about the jewels. You all torment yourselves to no purpose, and none of you can guess what is become of them. I, through mistake, received them from Colombine, and warmed that old gentleman's back there, who would have taken them from me whether I would or no; and here, brother, I restore them to you. Say no more of the matter.
HAR. [To Colombine.] If I had been hanged by this trick of yours, what should I have said afterward?
ISA. The injury is not very great, since you are here to complain of it.
HAR. A plague take these mistakes; they might ruin man. Just so in justice and physic, like my Colombine -- they take white for black and black for white.
GER. Well, I'm glad my jewels are not fallen a prey to rogues and thieves! After our marriage, we’ll dance and feast all the day.
HAR. But what will become of the two Harlequins? Colombine, my dear little rogue, you know how to make me amends for all my wrongs.
ISA. Thou wouldst marry her, I know; and I’ll bestow her on thee, and Marinetta on thy brother. Are you satisfied?
HAR. Yes.
HAR. JR. And I’ll stand to the bargain.
HAR. Now our joy begins with weddings, feasts and balls, in which I'll show what I can do. We’ll jump, skip, and sing, and drink, that two Harlequins may be talked off.
GER. ‘Till supper’s ready, I’ll entertain you with a very whimsical diversion.
ISA. Let’s have it.
GER. ‘Tis ready.
ISA. Let them begin.
[The bottom of the stage openes with grotesque music, and Four little Harlequins dance with Scaramouche, who is Pasquariel. Between the music and the dance, a voice sings two couplets in praise of old age.]
FINIS.
