Scene 6
SCENE SIX.
Cornelio's cell. Same set as Grimaldina Tower, but with some added furniture.
[CORNELIO and PURRICINELLA are together in the cell. They eat their breakfast.]
COR. So you only pretend to be an idiot?
PUR. It's as much as one can do, when always surrounded by idiots pretending to be smart. [There is the sound of a door being unlocked.] There he comes. Remember the plan.
[The cell door opens. Enter The CAPTAIN. CORNELIO and PURRICINELLA make an elaborate show of acting non-chalant.]
CAP. Alright, hand over your breakfast plates. I'm in a hurry — I'm marrying your girlfriend today. [PURRICINELLA giggles.] I'm glad somebody appreciates my sense of humor!
PUR. [Stupidly.] It's not that — it's that you're not going to marry her, because we're about to get out of here, and we're going to stop the wedding, and then there will be no cake for you! None at all! [Laughs maniacally.]
CAP. [Suspicious.] I see. And how is it that you plan to get out?
PUR. It's a secret. We found a magic plate that, if you hold it up over your eyes and count to ten, then make a wish, a spirit comes and grants it! We wished to escape. [Holds out a plate.] It's this one. You can wish for anything you want with it.
CAP. [Snatching the plate.] Indeed. A magic plate. And I can wish for anything I want, eh? I do believe this is the stupidest trick you've attempted so far. A magic plate! You could have at least tried to make a believable lie. And then look at this! [Holds the plate in front of his face.] The plate is flat; I can see out to both sides since nothing covers them. Even if I did go along with your trick, I'd have been able to see you sneaking away! You inthult my inthellihenthe. Magic plate, indeed. Who ever heard of a magic plate? You could have used — oh, a great many things in this room! Your pillow, for example, or this chamber pot. [He takes up the chamber pot and places it over his head.] Look! I can't see you at all through this! [PURRICINELLA and CORNELIO quickly run out the door and escape. CAPTAIN does not catch on.] But did you think to use it? No! Perhaps your stupidity isn't all an act — in any case, it takes much more than that to fool Captain Sangre y Fuego! [He removes the pot from his head and realizes the prisoners are gone.] Oh shit.
[Enter OFFICER, frantic.]
OFF. Captain! Captain! There's an escape in progress! Two prisoners — one of them just grabbed my sword!
CAP. Your sword! — Well, I was aware of this problem, and was just on my way to chase them down when you came in!
OFF. [Noticing the empty cell.] Wait a second… did they escape while you were standing here watching them?
CAP. [Defensively.] I wasn't watching them when they made their escape.
OFF. You had the door open and you weren't watching them?
CAP. I… uh… shut up, Coviello! I am your superior! And I will go and catch the two escapees, and slice them to bloody shreds! I will carve them into fine-chopped hash, eat them, and then vomit their filthy carcasses into the mouth of Hell, for how dare they insult the name and pride of both the Duke's prison and someone like me? My muscles tense, and burn with energy at the very thought. [Draws his sword and raises it above his head.] Such traitorous scoundrels shall be destroyed by my blade!
OFF. Very good.
CAP. Destroyed, Coviello, do you hear?
OFF. Yes, I hear you.
CAP. And then I'll see to it that they are burned at the stake!
OFF. Certainly.
CAP. Destroyed!
OFF. Why don't you go out and do it instead of just standing around in here talking about it while they get further along?
CAP. How you sicken me. I may be fearsome and fierce, but I respect the etiquette of battle! When the opponents are so clearly at a disadvantage due to the skill and strength I possess, it is customary to let them get a little head-start in running.
OFF. Is it? I had never heard that rule.
CAP. [Overly defensive.] Well it exists! Really!
OFF. Then go, they've got an excellent start now. You can still catch them.
CAP. Indeed I can! Did you doubt it?
OFF. Hurry!
CAP. [Defeated, reluctantly.] Fine, I am going! I will return! I will defeat the traitors! Destroy them, Coviello! [OFFICER nods and waves goodbye several times, trying to encourage him to go.] Off to victory! Victory!… Yes!… [The CAPTAIN sighs realizing he actually does have to fight and can't talk his way out of it. Exit CAPTAIN, then immediately re-enter CAPTAIN.] Actually I am in a generous mood today, and so, I will do you a great favor! I am going to grant you a chance for fame and glory almost equal to that which I have earned! You may take my very own sword, and I'll bestow upon you the great honor of going after the prisoners in my stead! I wouldn't do this for just anybody, you know, but I feel you have earned it. [OFFICER shrugs, grabs the sword, and takes off. Exit OFFICER. CAPTAIN speaks aside.] What a situation! That was a close one. I hope everybody will not learn my terrible secret — I'd be the laughing stock of the town! Ah… so troll-boy and tight-pants man have escaped! I need to get to Lucrezia before they do.
[Exit CAPTAIN.]