Scene 7

SCENE SEVEN.

Cemetery, daytime.

[Enter PANTALONE, DOCTOR, and LUCREZIA. DOCTOR and PANTALONE are laughing. LUCREZIA looks miserable.]

PAN. [To the Doctor.] I'm so glad to learn that it was all a big misunderstanding, and that in truth you weren't paying your filthy servant enough to buy a single crouton for a meal!

DOC. Ha ha, yes, indeed! How I am going to beat him when he returns!

[The vecchi both laugh.]

PAN. At last we're headed to the church, where I'll be rid of Lucrezia and she'll become your problem!

LUC. I would find this cemetery a more fitting spot to wed him. Oh, father! Must I marry him? I promised to marry the Captain! It is essential that I do so!

PAN. A week ago it was all about that Corn-mealy fellow of yours, and now you're crying for some Captain! The fact that you clearly don't know your own mind just proves why you shouldn't be allowed to pick your own husband. You and this Captain of your might be miserable together!

LUC. We will be!

PAN. I'm glad you see it my way! You are marrying Doctor Baloardo.

DOC. Fear not, Lucrezia. With your scientific knowledge and formulas, I'll make plenty of money!

LUC. Money? You think I care about money? I was ready to give up all the worldly comforts of money, shelter — all! — to be with Cornelio, whom I love as hard as any woman ever loved! What good are material pleasures when your spirit is too tormented to enjoy them? I would gouge out my eyes and cut off my hands if in return I could have Cornelio!

PAN. But then you wouldn't be able to cook, and who'd want to marry you then?

LUC. It's not about — oh! Why do I even bother trying to explain it to you two vile old men who, as long as you've lived, clearly have never loved anything other than yourselves?

DOC. Because of some vain hope that you can talk us out of the marriage agreements. We're not stupid. We understand what you're after.

LUC. Turning lead into gold was easier than trying to explain anything to you.

PAN. [His attention caught.] What? Lead into gold? What is this?

LUC. My alchemy… remember? I told you and the Doctor all about it a month ago… [Realizes angrily.] You weren't listening to a word I said, were you?

PAN. Clearly not! Tell me about this turning lead into gold. You can do it easily — can you do it in bulk? Can I put you to work at it right away? We'll dig up the floorboards and hide it in there!

LUC. [Horrified.] I can't believe you! You would want me to make gold for you, even as you force me into this deplorable wedding alliance! [Idea. Slyly.] Why, I'd never be able to do it. Working with my husband, the Doctor, will eat up all my time; and my husband should be my first priority.

PAN. Like hell he should! I've known you your entire life!

DOC. I've known her just as long — I'm not that much younger than you!

PAN. You're barely half my age, you young whipper-snapper!

DOC. Ha! Such juvenile insults! I would tell you to act your age, except it would probably oblige you to keel over and die.

LUC. All that gold I could be making, all the time I could spend making it, going to waste because I have to cook for my husband…!

PAN. A man who keeps such troublesome servants as you, shouldn't be getting married anyway!

DOC. At least I can afford servants!

PAN. Exactly! And so, what's the point of having a wife if someone else is just going to do all the housework?

DOC. I can watch her in corrupting acts, grinding away, then write it all down and sell it! [PANTALONE looks horrified.] I am talking about chemistry! She knows the secrets of alchemy for which I've spent my life searching!

PAN. Those same secrets are of more use to me than they are to you! You're not marrying her. Come, Lucrezia, we're going home so you can start making gold for me as soon as possible.

CAP. [Calling from offstage.] Lucrethia! Lucrethia, my dear!

LUC. [Appalled.] I recognize that hispanic lisp!

[Enter The CAPTAIN.]

CAP. There you are, my tharling bethrothed! And already on the way to the church, I see! How anxious you are, and I will not keep you waiting any longer. Let us go and be married!

PAN. Hold on a wasteful moment and tell me who you are.

CAP. I am Captain Sangre y Fuego! — of the Ducal Guard. I am engaged to marry Lucrezia. Are you the hgchonorrrrable Signor Pantalone?

PAN. Don't insult me with those rude noises — how perfectly childish of you — blowing raspberries! If you think I'm going to let someone like you marry my Lucrezia, when she's worth so much money to me —

LUC. [Aside.] God! If I don't marry the Captain, Cornelio will be hanged! I must do something! [To Pantalone.] Actually, you know, it's going to cost a lot of money to buy all the materials I need to make gold… maybe it won't be worth it.

PAN. If it can bring me ten bricks of gold, I will reluctantly spend most of one after shaving it down a bit.

LUC. It's such a delicate process. I'm likely to mess up if I'm upset — as I undoubtedly will be if I cannot marry the Captain!

PAN. But if you're married, you won't have time to make gold for me at all!

CAP. [Aside.] This is taking too long! She still doesn't know that Cornelio has escaped, but fancy me trying to convince her that only I can save his life if he should turn up in front of her! [To Pantalone.] Sir, I have something that might interest you. [He pulls out a small sack that is obviously full with a fairly large item.] This bag contains a diamond that I was led to discover. Notice the size and weight. It seems perfectly like a very large diamond, and not as all like a doorstop that I just put in there to trick you.

PAN. A diamond? A diamond is worth more than gold, right?

CAP. Yes it is, now let's get married, come on.

[The CAPTAIN grabs LUCREZIA and tries to leave with her.]

DOC. Wait a moment! Yes, one diamond of that size is worth more than gold of equal size, but Lucrezia can make much more gold than that. And if she marries me, I already have all the supplies she might need, and will ensure that she spends a portion of each day working to make gold for her dear, kind father, Signor Pantalone, to whom I will be eternally grateful…

PAN. So… I'll reap all the rewards without having to invest anything?

DOC. Exactly! And you won't have to feed her!

PAN. Forgive my earlier rashness! Lucrezia, I think it would be best for everyone if you married the Doctor.

CAP. Wait! Do not behave with further rashness! If Lucrezia marries me, I can still have her making gold for you, still buy all the supplies so that you won't have to spend so much as a breath, and I'll give you the diamond in addition as a token of my thanks.

PAN. Doctor, can you beat that?

DOC. Uh… well, give me a moment to think…

PAN. The longer you think, the longer I'm kept from my diamonds and gold. Lucrezia, you're marrying the Captain.

LUC. No!

PAN, CAP, DOC. What?

PAN. I thought you wanted to marry the Captain!

CAP. Yes! You want to marry me!

LUC. No I don't! I want to marry Cornelio — I love Cornelio! I would be marrying you in order to save his life… but what would be the point? He's my reason for living, and I know that I am his. Though for Cornelio I would happily endure a lifetime chained up in the Captain's bedroom forced to make gold for my father — married to someone else, even if I could ever see him again, it would have to be only as a friend, as an acquaintance. The pain of having to treat the man who sets my heart to race, who stirs up such emotions in me, for whom I would enslave myself — that pain would hurt me far worse than not knowing him at all.

DOC. So you'll let him die? So… that means you'll marry me instead, right?

LUC. I'm not marrying anybody! I may be letting Cornelio die — but he will not die alone!

[LUCREZIA grabs Pantalone's dagger and quickly runs up onto the statue. She points the blade toward her chest. DOCTOR, CAPTAIN and PANTALONE all rush after her, surrounding the statue.]

DOC, PAN, CAP. Lucrezia, no!

PAN. Lucrezia — think this over for a moment. If you die, I won't get any gold at all!

LUC. Go to hell and take your stupid gold with you!

PAN. I will if I can!

CAP. Lucrezia, don't make me come up there after you! I am an exceedingly strong man, and I may cause you grievous bodily harm! I will break both your arms and beat you into soup if I must! I command you to release that dagger at once!

[CAPTAIN starts to jump into the statue. LUCREZIA swings her dagger at him. The CAPTAIN runs away from her, screaming in high falsetto, and hides behind a tombstone.]

DOC. Good heavens! What is the matter?

CAP. My secret is revealed! I am a coward — I'm afraid of weapons — and I've never fought once in my whole life!

[The CAPTAIN starts to sob with fear.]

DOC. Lucrezia — come down and marry me! At least I want you for your mind! Please don't kill yourself! You have so much knowledge, so many useful ideas that I could claim are my own!

LUC. What is the matter with you people? Why would I want to stay alive to be around any of you? Even when you list reasons why I should live you think only of yourselves! Unless by some miracle Cornelio arrives here right now, a free man to take me away, I die!

[Enter CORNELIO with a sword; he swings into the graveyard on a rope and lands on the statue by Lucrezia. The other characters looks around at the sky with confusion, trying to identify the source of the rope.]

COR. Lucrezia!

LUC. Cornelio?! …What were you swinging from?

COR. It does not matter, my love!

[LUCREZIA tosses away her dagger and embraces Cornelio; PANTALONE and DOCTOR scream and scatter to avoid the thrown blade.]

COR. Hold on for one moment, will you? [Enter OFFICER. CORNELIO jumps down from the statue, sword drawn, and immediately starts to fight with the OFFICER. A big, fancy, magnificent swordfight occurs. After much clanging and crashing of blades, CORNELIO emerges victorious by knocking the Officer's sword from his hands, causing it to stick in the ground. Cornelio ought to be receiving applause from the audience by now.] Come, Lucrezia, let's get out of here.

[LUCREZIA comes down from the statue and runs into Cornelio's arms.]

PAN. Wait! I haven't given you two permission to marry!

COR. I am supposed to be hanged for killing six men — do you really believe something like your permission is going to stop me?

PAN. Lucrezia, will you break your father's heart like this?

LUC. You have no heart to break.

PAN. True. Eh, at least I don't have to feed you anymore. [Pause. begins to tremble with rage.] But dammit — I want that gold!

[A tucket is heard offstage.]

COR. What was that?

DOC. [Looking off.] Good heavens! It's the Duke! And Purricinella!

[Enter The DUKE, richly dressed and accompanied by an entourage of COURTIERS. PURRICINELLA is with them, carrying the hem of the Duke's long mink-trimmed cloak.]

DUK. Who here is Don Cornelio Azzurro?

COR. [Stepping forward.] I am.

DUK. Don Cornelio, I have heard a great deal about you lately. You've killed six of my courtiers, escaped from prison, and now, I am told, intend to elope with a young girl against the will of her father.

COR. That is so.

DUK. Thank heavens you're honest! Most people I deal with go all to pieces! [Imitating a begging person.] No, great Duke, I was framed! I was framed! He knew you wouldn't believe me and that's why he did it! [Back to normal.] Anyway… you are a man of noble birth, and though you were first brought to my attention after the murder of my men, my interest was not truly sparked until I received this letter — [Produces letter.] — written by one Lucrezia, daughter of the merchant Pantalone. The loving way with which she spoke of you brought tears to my eyes, and bile to my throat — [The COURTIERS gasp.] — But not out of disgust! Rather, because I, having just finished a heavy dessert of the finest pastries, was finally overwhelmed by the sweetness of her words.

[COURTIERS applaud.]

CRT 1. How beautiful!

CRT 2. So poetic!

DUK. I am also told he killed the men over a disagreement over the beauty of this said woman. Be this she I see? [DUKE indicates Lucrezia.] I fully agree with you that she is indeed the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, because I don't get out of the house that much. [COURTIERS applaud.] Thus moved by the careful and heartfelt descriptions of this man's love and kindness, and by the beauty of this woman, I can do nothing else but grant him a full pardon!

[COURTIERS applaud. The DUKE sneezes. COURTIERS applaud.]

COR. A pardon? But my lord — I did kill six of your men.

DUK. Well, the way I figure it, if you hadn't killed them all, they'd have probably died from something else anyway.

CRT 2. Such wisdom!

CRT 3. So poetic!

[COURTIERS applaud.]

DUK. Thanks must be given to this charming and handsome gentleman, without whom the letter would have never come to my notice in time!

[The DUKE indicates Purricinella.]

PUR. Always glad to be of service.

DOC. “Handsome!” “Charming!” Purricinella?! Ha ha ha ha! [DOCTOR laughs to such an excessive degree that he falls over and rolls around while everyone stares at him, obviously thinking he's weird. He does finally manage to get up again.] My lord, I'm afraid you've been fooled! That man is my servant, and he's the ugliest idiot and most idiotic ugly that I have ever met!

[The DOCTOR goes on laughing in the background, wandering offstage. The DUKE tries to ignore him. Exit DOCTOR.]

DUK. He has also brought to my attention certain misconducts performed by the captain of my guard!

OFF. The Captain is right over here!

[The OFFICER points to The CAPTAIN, who is still crying behind a tombstone. He hears himself called up and dries his tears. He stands up sadly, revealing a large wet stain down the front of his pants.]

DUK. Captain Sangre y Fuego? Is it true that you imprisoned this man without any notification?

[The CAPTAIN nods sadly.]

OFF. He also permitted them to escape, and refused to chase after them! Please fire him and give me his job!

DUK. Okay, I will.

CAP. No! Please don't take away my job! How will I ever be able to strike fear into the hearts of men if I cannot intimidate them with my position of authority? Please! I will do anything — I will give you a diamond in return!

[The CAPTAIN pulls out the bag from before, and empties it on the ground. A large heavy item — definitely not a diamond — falls out and lands on the ground, sitting there like a lump. Everyone gathers around to stare. PURRICINELLA begins to laugh.]

DUK. I have seen diamonds before, and that certainly isn't one of them.

PUR. [To the Captain.] You actually went digging around in the Doctor's backyard, didn't you? Ha ha ha! [To the Duke.] Several nights ago, in order to dissuade this man from making untoward advanced upon Signorina Lucrezia, I made up a story about a giant diamond buried in the garden. It seems he went looking for it, and found the next best thing! The Doctor may have never turned lead into gold, but he did turn lead into that. He chucked it out the window — he knows its value.

OFF. [Feeling the item.] It feels like… shit, solidified.

PUR. Maybe it's an accomplishment in and of itself.

PAN. [To the Captain.] So! You tried to put one over on me!

[Frail old PANTALONE begins beating The Captain mercilessly. The CAPTAIN screams, cries and tries to get away.]

DUK. Now, now! That's enough of that. Captain Sangre y Fuego, you arouse my pity, and so I will have you sent to the island of Stromboli, where all the most cowardly soldiers are sent to waste away their lives!

CAP. So… I will be the Captain of a bunch of cowards?

DUK. Yes.

CAP. Holy Mary, I'm saved! I'll be the bravest man there! Oh thank you, merciful Duke!

[COURTIERS applaud. PANTALONE stares at the Captain's “diamond.”]

PAN. No diamond! No diamond at all! Oh, cruel heavens! If you think I'm going to give up my gold as well by letting Lucrezia get married to this Cornwall fellow, then you must have one of those counterfeit diamonds for a brain!

LUC. Father! Please! Don't you understand how much I love Cornelio at all?

PAN. I don't care how much you love him! All I know is, if I let you marry him, I'll have to spend the rest of my life knowing how I could have been happy with all my gold; but instead never got it, and must suffer forever!

[PANTALONE weeps.]

DUK. Perhaps you understand her feelings better than you know. As you think of gold, she thinks of Cornelio.

PAN. No one can ever comprehend how I feel about gold! No one!

DUK. Perhaps I can help find a solution. Pantalone, release Lucrezia, and I will give you fifty entire chests full of gold, to be stored at my palace, on condition that you never spend any of it.

PAN. Why would I want to do something as irresponsible with money as spending it?

DUK. Have we an accord?

PAN. All I have to do is let Lucrezia marry whoever she wants?

DUK. Yes. Then you will both be with your loves.

PAN. Anything for my gold! So let it be!

LUC. & COR. Thank you, merciful Duke! My lord!

DUK. Now, is everything settled?

PUR. There is me, my lord.

DUK. Ah, yes, my dear Purricinella! What is troubling you?

PUR. I am unhappy with my job, and barely make enough to feed myself, much less my wife who is filled with ambergris and spermaceti. Hearing you have recently lost six of your men, and are short one guard, I deign to ask whether there might be a position that would suit me?

DUK. Why yes! [DUKE begins to weave unsteadily, though doesn't notice, like something isn't quite right with him.] I know just the thing for you — I will make you my new personal valet! You'll be paid a good salary, and you and your wife will have your own room in my palace and have access to all the state secrets!

PUR. Your excellency is much too kind.

DUK. Not at all! Last week I had three people tortured to death!

[COURTIERS applaud.]

PUR. Well, the Captain's being sent away to a new and better life, the love-birds are getting married, Pantalone's got his gold and I've got a nice new job. I guess that solves everythingokaylet'sgetoutofhere.

[PURRICINELLA tries to leave and shoo everybody away, but immediately

The DOCTOR wanders back onto the stage, still laughing. The look on PURRICINELLA's face reads: damn!]

DOC. Purricinella! A gentleman! Ha ha!

[DOCTOR stops and sees CORNELIO and LUCREZIA embracing and PANTALONE vibrating and practically dancing with joy.]

COR. Lucrezia!

LUC. Cornelio!

PAN. Gold! Gold!

DOC. Good heavens! What happened while I was wandering around laughing at Purricinella?

CAP. Purricinella is now valet to the Duke, Lucrezia and Cornelio are getting married, Pantalone has been given a lot of money, and I am going to be the bravest Captain on Stromboli island!

OFF. And I get his old job!

DUK. All are happy and contented!

[The DUKE vomits casually behind a tombstone. The COURTIERS start to applaud but are grossed out — they at least wait till he's finished and then clap with stilted enthusiasm. The DUKE resumes as if nothing happened.]

DOC. No… no! This can't be! Lucrezia's marrying someone other than myself? I'll be ruined!

PUR. Well, it looks like everyone has gotten what they deserved, okaylet'sgetoutofhere.

DUK. Now, now, Purricinella! Treating people as they deserve is a much overrated action. It is better to treat people as you would wish yourself to be treated, for then their outrage becomes self-directed and leads them to a lifetime of self-esteem and mental issues! [To the Doctor.] What is your claim to Lucrezia, sir?

DOC. I have to marry her! I am… umm… in love with her. Yeah.

DUK. Your adverbs fill me with suspicion. Why do you love her?

DOC. Uhh… can one ever truly communicate the reasons for love?

DUK. Don Cornelio — why do you love Lucrezia?

COR. My heart, my whole being, stirs at the very sight of her; and even when I am unhappy, I am never truly unhappy around her; her smile brightens my whole world and fills me with such joy that I would kill a thousand men just to see it! The mere sound of her voice sets my soul aflame and to hear her speak such charming words as “love” —

DUK. Okay, shut up, I believe you. [To Doctor.] Sir, I do believe you are being somewhat dishonest with me. State your true case.

DOC. Her knowledge of alchemy is superior to mine. I need her in order to learn the secrets, and to make fame and fortune in the field.

DUK. Hmm… although it is my duty to ensure the happiness of my people, I'm afraid that here I cannot help you. Lucrezia should marry someone who actually loves her.

LUC. Wait — I think I can solve this one. All you care about is the formula, right? I understand your desperation for such knowledge. I've found it, but also found it worthless to me. I will tell you the secret —

[LUCREZIA whispers something to the Doctor.]

DOC. [Stunned.] Yellow food coloring?

LUC. [Stunned in turn.] Sheer poison — ! But, if the likes of you employ it as food color, I won't argue.

DOC. All this time! All these years I've spent searching — I've been sitting there eating the answer because I'm too cheap to buy real saffron! But now — now I'll be rich, and can buy all the saffron I please. Thank you, Donna Lucrezia; I am forever in your debt.

LUC. Just don't ever touch me or talk to me again.

COR. My dear Lucrezia.

LUC. Cornelio!

PAN. Gold!

DOC. Saffron!

PUR. Ham!

[PURRICINELLA pulls out a hock of ham from his costume where his hump was. He starts eating it.]

ALL. Hooray for the merciful Duke!

DUK. I am happy to have made all of you so happy! My work here is done. Now, I must fly away to my merry castle in the clouds!

[DUKE begins flapping his arms and exits, along with the COURTIERS. Everyone but Purricinella is left looking a bit confused.]

PUR. By Bacchus! Is he out of it!

LUC. What do you mean? I thought he was a very kind man.

PUR. Exactly! Do you think that's how he always acts? The man is a tyrant! You wouldn't believe how I had to drug his food to make him act like that.

PAN. You drugged the Duke?

PUR. Oh yes. How I drugged the Duke! When I brought him Lucrezia's letter, he was in the middle of a huge dessert course. I imagine the sickness he described was brought on by the large quantity of opium I hid in his pastry…

DOC. Opium? You pilfering little cad! You've been stealing out of my medicine cabinet, haven't you?

[The DOCTOR raises his fist as if to beat Purricinella. The CAPTAIN halts The Doctor.]

CAP. Do not attempt it, sir. If this experience has taught me one thing, it is this: ethcape thuththaining or tharting rrrehhentment of thomeone tho thuperiorrr in inthellicghenth.

DOC. What?

CAP. It's true!

DOC. No, no. What did you say? I couldn't understand a word.

CAP. [Slowly.] Don't mess with a man who is smarter than you — no matter how creepy he looks.

PUR. Word to the wise. [Takes a bow.] Well, good sirs and kind folk, I must be on my way. I need to collect my wife, and get to work for his lordship the Duke before the drugs wear off — so I can give him some more right away. Farewell friends! And remember — the Duke, and thereby all of Genoa, now rest their fate within my own two greasy, haminously stained fingers. Bwa ha ha!

COR. Haminously?

PUR. Shut up! Bwa ha ha!

[Exit PURRICINELLA. Pantalone, Lucrezia, Cornelio, Officer, Captain and Doctor all mime-talk and gradually disperse in the background as THALIA and MELPOMENE step forward once more. Exeunt, gradually, Pantalone, Lucrezia, Cornelio, Officer, Captain and DOCTOR.]

MEL. Ah! I was worried for a bit there, but it finally pulled through.

THA. Yes, indeed!

MEL. Tragedy, all the way.

THA. What? But it had a happy ending!

MEL. You call Purricinella drugging the Duke and becoming de facto head of Genoa a happy ending?

THA. Well, he's as qualified — and at least Purricinella isn't the result of centuries of royal inbreeding!

MEL. Yet he looks it. Madam, you have lost. Lost! Like a lost thing.

THA. Well… okay then. In the spirit of the show I'll say you win. That means you get to sing the song!

MEL. Lovely. Give it here. [THALIA gives her a sheet of music.] Oh, good grief! You expect me to sing this?

THA. Yes.

[MELPOMENE sighs. She takes a big, deep breath to build herself up and starts to sing, to the tune of “Non più mesta” by Rossini*.]

MEL. It's a sin you can't please everyone,

Nor present what each man asks.

Yet we hope that's what has just been done

By The Combat of the Masks.

[Reenter ALL CAST to sing the chorus.]

ALL. We all pray you've had some fun —

It was foremost of our tasks.

Give your blessings to our run

Playing Combat of the Masks.

[Curtain.]