Step 9

The Step work we have done prepares us to take the action of Step Nine. We have written our moral inventory, acknowledged our defects of character, and have become aware of our codependent behavior. We learn to humbly ask God to remove from us what no longer serves us. This brings us to a place of honesty as we work on our amends.

In the past, we may have minimized our effect on others. It is difficult to take responsibility for our actions if we believe our actions have no impact. In changing our attitudes and actions, we no longer believe that what we do is insignificant. In Step Eight, we were truthful with ourselves about our past behavior and made our list. Having done this honestly, we found that we were released from some of our shame. This work prepares us to be more honest as we being to make our amends. Amends are our pure truth without blame, distraction, justification, or manipulation; we are taking responsibility for our experience. We understand that making amends also means we are truly committed to changing with the help of our Higher Power.

We support our commitment to recovery by making "parallel" amends to ourselves each time we make amends to someone else. For example, has our gossip about someone else harmed their reputation? Along with making an amends to them, we need to change our behavior by avoiding gossip. When we make an honest effort to change our own behavior, we become accountable and avoid engaging in harmful behaviors to ourselves and others. Then, we let go of the shame and forgive ourselves for our imperfections.

If we are thorough about this stage of our recovery, we consider ourselves important enough to include in our amends. For many of us, this is contrary to our disease which has often had us believing we mattered less than others. How do we make amends to ourselves? The answers to this can be as varied and creative as our members. When we truly contemplate the idea of making amends to ourselves, we understand that making these amends has teh power to bring us healing and joy. We treat ourselves differently, and we do our best not to abandon ourselves. We value our own needs, and we consider what we want and how we feel to be equally important to the needs of others. However, in some situations, our needs are even more important to ourselves than what others may want.

Working on forgiveness before making amends is very important. As we let go of the past, accept the truth about it, and learn about our freedom of choice in recovery today, we being to feel a new inner peace. Sometimes, this is our first experience of forgiveness. This opens te door to restoring relationships with ourselves and others. Without forgiveness, we harbor resentments and our amends may not be genuine. This is not a time to "act as if." Allowing our Higher Power to guide us supports us in being honest with ourselves and others. In times of confusion, it is helpful to talk to our sponsor or others in recovery to gain clarity and determine what is ours and what is not. We need to let go of the other person's part and be responsible for our part only. Making amends in this way gives us the experience of freedom from the burden of shame, guilt, and over-responsibility. Being free of resentment is an amends in and of itself.

As we prepare to make our amends, one way of caring for ourselves is to plan how we wish to deliver them. We can then share our plan and list with our sponsor or another trustworthy person. Listening to the experience, strength, and hope of others helps us think about how we are going to give our amends and to whom. In this Step, we are instructed to make direct amends wherever possible; sometimes, this may be to people with whom we do not necessarily feel safe. At these times, it may be inadvisable to make direct amends. We can work with our sponsor, for instance, to find a meaningful way to make direct amends that are safe and will not risk our well-being. In other cases, where we can make amends to the person directly, there are ways to care for ourselves. We can call a trusted person before and after, create a time boundary, ask for no feedback, and prepare ourselves beforehand to let go of results. Our Higher Power is with us, and we can remember that we are capable of taking care of ourselves.

Step Nine states that we make amends "wherever possible." However, we may owe amends to someone who has died, or whose whereabouts are not known, or where more harm may be caused than good. Sometimes, someone may refuse to hear an amends that we would like to make. As a substitute, we may write these amends in a journal and/or share them with a sponsor or someone unrelated to the circumstances. In other situations, we can bring good into today in ways we either could not or did not do in the past. For example, if we owe an amends to a parent who is no longer with us, we can be kind to an older person who may need time and attention. If we are unable t o make amends to our children, we might choose to volunteer at a local youth service or spend time with a young person who is in our lives. Often these types of amends are called "living amends," and practicing them can be a meaningful part of our recovery.

Some other ways we can make living amends to ourselves or others are:

• Saying "no" in order to take care of ourselves

• Expressing a differing opinion and letting go of our fears of what others may think

• Listening to others and letting go of our belief that everyone needs to be the same and feel the same

• Allowing others the dignity to live their lives in their own way

• Living our lives differently because we are in recovery

Amends are not about getting things off our chest at the expense of others. They are not simply about clearing the air. Rather, they are spiritual exercises in humility whereby we are watchful of our attitudes and actions. Healthy behavior can be our most powerful amends; it is a testament to our recovery. This can be the greatest gift of Step Nine.