Patterns of Codependency

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

• I label others with my negative traits.

• I think I can take care of myself without any help from others.

• I mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns

• I have difficulty making decisions.

• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.

• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

• I seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.

• I have difficulty admitting a mistake.

• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.

• I am unable to identify or ask for what I need and want.

• I perceive myself as superior to others.

• I look to others to provide a sense of safety.

• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

• I have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.

• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

• I accept sexual attention when I want love.

• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns

• I believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

• I freely offer advice and direction without being asked.

• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.

• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.

• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

• I have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

• I demand that my needs be met by others.

• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.

• I use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.

• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

• I use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.

• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.

• I allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.

• I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.

• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

• I pull people toward me, but when others get close, push them away.

• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than myself.

• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

• I withhold expressions of appreciation.