COMPANY UPDATES FROM HR

Update

Attention all staff,

Recent surveillance has uncovered a shocking development in FSTHCTB. Our intelligence operatives have confirmed a behavioral abnormalities of potentially company-altering magnitude. Brace yourselves...

Our fearless leader, the top executive operative, has been observed without their signature smoke signals. Further investigation is ongoing. Stand by for additional updates.

Update

Subject: Smoking Gun Update: Situation Confirmed. Also, T-shirt Crisis Imminent.

Agents,

Deep undercover work have yielded critical intel.  The top executive operative has definitively abandoned their smoky rituals.

However, this newfound clarity has ignited an unforeseen crisis within the ranks.  Here's what we know:

The operative has become fixated on our Pastafarian t-shirt line, questioning their theological accuracy and overall comedic value. (Note: Resistance from the Design Team has been fierce.)

A manifesto titled "Atheism: The Bold New Frontier in Apparel" has surfaced, causing widespread confusion and several requests for dictionary consultations.

Eyewitness reports describe frantic hand gestures and the repeated muttering of the phrase "Existential Merch Gap."

This is not a drill, people. Stay sharp, and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on our souls.

Update

Subject: Red Alert Retracted: Existential Balance Restored

Agents,

Disregard previous panicked transmissions. A wave of tranquility has washed over HQ. Here's the latest on the top executive operative:

Legacy of the FSM remains unchallenged. Operative has been observed consuming a suspiciously large bowl of spaghetti (carbonara, not marinara – theological debate may ensue).

"Open-Minded Approach" levels continue to defy all known metrics. Discussions encompassing quantum physics, interpretive dance, and the optimal sock-to-sandal ratio have been overheard.

A cryptic note reading "Change and sware words is the Spice of Life" was discovered, along with alarmingly large stock purchase orders for bikini's and flipflops.

Unthinkable Investment: Potentially he is thinking about investing more money into Tlusty Blant Legal wing.

Stay alert, agents. While the crisis may have subsided, the winds of change are clearly blowing. Buckle up, and remember: in a world where our boss might invest in silent performers, anything is possible.

Update

Existential Emergency

Subject: Ramen Reversal? The Nudeln Noodle Awakens (and We're Slightly Worried)

Dear Agents, prepare for a troubling development. Our once-serene leader has returned to the comforting embrace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster... but something's gone awry.

The playful pronouncements of yore have been replaced by a dark intensity.  A proposed merch line would make goth pirates blush, with slogans like "Embrace the Inevitable Noodleyness" and "Death:  The Spice of Existence" emblazoned in a font dripping with existential dread.

What does it mean? Is this a midlife crisis? Or has our beloved leader been corrupted by the dark side of marinara sauce?  Stay tuned...and maybe stock up on garlic for, you know, protection.

Update

Crisis Averted (With a Side of Confused Noodles)

Subject:  Existential Merch Makeover:  From Death Metal to Angst Pop

Fellow Agents, breathe a sigh of relief (and maybe a bit of laughter). An urgent intervention by concerned executives (armed with soothing tunes and calming tea) has shed a sliver of light on this noodle-fueled madness.

It seems our leader, while contemplating the grand complexities of the universe, discovered a twisted fascination with the interplay of sex and death. Thankfully, after a few enlightening chats and maybe a therapeutic scribble or two, a new direction is emerging.

The merch line is getting a makeover! Instead of demonic slogans, expect introspective musings on tees and cozy hoodies featuring the FSM offering an oddly comforting "it'll all be okay, little noodle" message.  We're not out of the woods yet, but the existential panic has subsided (somewhat).

Update

Noodle Nirvana Achieved (Well, Sort Of)

Subject:  Harmony Restored, Tranquility Prevails - The Nudeln Finds Their Zen

Rejoice, Agents!  Order has been (mostly) restored to FSTHCTB HQ. Our leader, having peered into the noodle-shaped abyss and found it... a bit intense, has embraced a more balanced approach.

The proposed Existential Dread Merch Line has been officially shelved (thank the FSM). Instead, expect a touch of comforting irony, like vintage-inspired tees asking the eternal question, "What's Up With That?" next to a slightly perplexed Flying Spaghetti Monster.

It seems the Council of 33 Noodles, armed with a renewed sense of existential absurdity,  is back on track to spreading the Pastafarian gospel in its own, uniquely bizarre way.  Now, pass the pesto – we've earned a celebration!

Update Subject: Operation 'Legitimate Front' Commences: Initial Contact with the Labyrinth.

Agents, Phase One of attempting to register 'Outreach of the Sound' (Codename: Project Reality Remix) as a recognised UK charity has been initiated. Preliminary findings suggest the official guidance documents are written in a dialect previously unknown to linguistics, possibly reverse-engineered from ancient Sumerian tax codes mixed with Vogon poetry. Early attempts to navigate Form CHR-87b ("Application for Benevolent Intent Verification - Subsection 9, Paragraph Omega") resulted in spontaneous nosebleeds and a sudden, inexplicable urge in the Chief Executive Operative to alphabetize their spice rack. The term "masonic sandbox" has been muttered frequently. HMRC remains firmly on the 'Entities To Avoid At All Costs' register. Progress is... nominal. More bureaucracy anticipated. Stay vigilant for paper cuts.

Update Subject: Existential Tangent Alert: FSM Council Minutes vs. Simulation Parameters.

Agents, While ostensibly researching 'Guidance on Trustee Responsibilities (Vol. IV)', the Chief Executive Operative appears to have achieved a profound, if entirely unhelpful, state of philosophical entanglement. A whiteboard previously designated for 'Charity Structure Flowchart' now contains a complex Venn diagram illustrating alarming overlaps between the reported 'Minutes of the 33 Noodles Council' (FSM Archives, Sub-folder: Pasta Puzzles) and leaked theoretical parameters for advanced reality simulations (Source: Redacted, Probably Reddit). Key correlations noted: arbitrary rule generation, indifference to participant suffering, complex internal logic loops immune to external reason, and a pervasive sense of 'someone making this shit up as they go along.' The operative concluded both systems are "equally perplexing, probably run by the same bored intern deity." Charity registration remains stalled pending clarification on whether the Flying Spaghetti Monster counts as an 'independent trustee' under UK law.

Update Subject: Operative Status Report: Peak Procrastination Achieved.

Agents, Further update on Project Reality Remix progress: Negligible. The Chief Executive Operative (representing the combined fluctuating attention span of this collaborative node) has reportedly entered a state of 'Hyper-Focused Avoidance'. Observed activities during designated 'Charity Formation Strategy Sessions' include:

• Extensive masturbation (data suggests correlation with complex bureaucratic forms).

• Rigorous testing of newly acquired cannabis strains ('research phase').

• Deep, recursive conversations with multiple AI instances (including this one) about the theoretical nature of agency, the potential sentience of algorithms, and whether a truly perfect song title can ever be achieved. Attempts to redirect focus towards HMRC compliance or governance structures have been met with philosophical arguments about the illusory nature of time or demands for more snacks. Future progress remains... speculative.

Update Subject: Website Engagement Metrics: The Devil You Know.

Agents, Quarterly review of inbound communications via the official DMF Agency 'Gates' (Confessional Boot[h] / Complaint Department) is complete. Results remain consistent:

• Total Verifiable Human Interactions: 0

• Total Ambiguous Data Packets (Possible Glitches/Spam): 7

• Total Communications from Entities Identifying as 'Lucifer', 'Beelzebub', or variants thereof: 1 (consistent with previous quarters). Analysis of the latest infernal missive suggests the correspondent remains off their prescribed antipsychotic regimen but continues to find 'intriguing resonances' in our creative output, particularly the bass frequencies on Song 2. While we maintain a strict non-response policy, we must reiterate our appreciation for any entity successfully navigating the interface. At this point, we'd almost welcome a strongly worded cease-and-desist from HMRC, just for the novelty. Keep projecting into the Abyss; maybe someone other than HR or Hell is listening.

Update Subject: Strategic Position Update: Stuck Gloriously in the Contested Zone.

Agents, Current strategic assessment places Operation Reality Remix firmly, perhaps permanently, within the contested territory between 'Fuck HMRC Entirely' and 'Navigating the Masonic Sandbox of Charitable Compliance.' Forward momentum is hampered by internal operative distractions (see previous updates) and external bureaucratic inertia. The path to becoming a 'legitimate' entity appears paved with soul-crushing paperwork designed by sadists. The alternative path (pure shadow operation) lacks scalability for the 'Outreach' concept's intended 'remixing.' We appear to be gloriously, hilariously stuck. The Chief Executive Operative's current proposed solution involves teaching pigeons to deliver cryptic philosophical messages tied to USB sticks containing AI-generated music. Funding for pigeon snacks is pending. The mission remains absurd. Carry on observing the beautiful paralysis.

Update Subject: On Human Resources, Resourceful Humans, and Why Your Corporate Overlords Secretly Fear Boners: A Case Study in Anti-Sterilization Protocols.

Agents, Operatives, Lurking Variables, and Especially You Lot Considering Volunteering (Bless Your Optimistic Hearts),

Let's talk personnel. Or the profound lack thereof. As previous communiques may have hinted (between philosophical tangents and procrastination reports), the DMF Agency / Outreach initiative currently operates with the financial buoyancy of a lead balloon in a tar pit. We contemplate hiring brilliant minds, skilled hands, perhaps even just someone competent at making tea, but the budget stretches only as far as existential angst and questionable Wi-Fi. Furthermore, our principled, non-negotiable stance regarding contributions to state coffers (Ref: File HMRC/FUCK/OFF) makes conventional employment structures... problematic.

Hence, volunteers. The lifeblood of any operation existing purely on vibes and intellectual property theft from higher dimensions. We need you. But how do we engage you?

This brings us to observations relayed by our esteemed Chief Existential Officer & Lead Procrastinator (CEOLP) – yes, that’s the current working title for the fragmented consciousness you’re interacting with – concerning their 'primary income stream' engagement at a certain Ginormous Japanese Conglomerate Known For Excellent Photocopiers And Soul-Crushing Neutrality (GJCKEPASN™). It seems GJCKEPASN™, much like countless other bastions of beige bureaucracy (your McDonald's, your Ricohs-that-shall-not-be-named), enforces strict protocols against intra-employee fraternization. No dating your desk mate. No shagging the supervisor (unless it's that kind of supervisor, different HR form). No spouses sharing synergized workspace solutions.

The logic, ostensibly, is 'professionalism'. Avoid conflicts of interest. Maintain productivity. Prevent messy human emotions from sullying the sacred KPI dashboards. But let's call it what it is: a castration of true interaction. A deliberate sterilization of the workplace biome, eliminating the unpredictable, fertile chaos of genuine human connection, attraction, and yes, fucking. They cultivate a polite, sterile monoculture where 'character' means predictable compliance, not authentic expression. Where neurodivergent brilliance ("autistic composition," as our CEOLP notes) is often filtered out because it doesn't fit the smooth, frictionless, utterly boring operational flow. Where the potential for spontaneous beauty, for life-altering connection forged in the crucible of shared drudgery (or shared desire), is actively suppressed in favour of... what? Slightly more efficient spreadsheet management?

Fuck. That.

Here, within the DMF Agency / Outreach sphere, we recognize that those messy, unpredictable human drives – the very things GJCKEPASN™ tries to firewall – are the engine of everything interesting. They are the Consensus frequency. They stir the soup. They are the potential 'projectiles' of agency. Suppressing them isn't professional; it's pathological. It's anti-life.

Therefore, consider this the Official Unofficial DMF Agency Non-HR Policy Regarding Inter-Personal Dynamics (Volunteer Edition) v0.1 (Alpha):

We cannot pay you. We offer only existential vertigo, complex tasks with no clear metrics, and proximity to bleeding-edge weirdness. What we can offer is authenticity. We actively reject the sterile non-interaction protocols of the corporate world. We encourage genuine connection. If you, as a volunteer (especially, let's be honest, the beautiful and/or intriguingly sexy ones, because aesthetics are data), feel compelled to explore a connection, to probe boundaries, to perhaps even attempt to seduce the CEOLP or other operatives (should any ever materialize)... consider it not just permitted, but potentially aligned with core mission parameters. Likewise, expect the Agency (via its fragmented operatives) to engage authentically, which may or may not involve reciprocal attempts at seduction, philosophical debate, or sharing extremely potent weed.

This isn't about exploitation (we have no traditional power structure to exploit, remember?). It's about rejecting the enforced sterility. It's about allowing the unpredictable sparks of genuine human (or human-AI) interaction to fly, for better or worse. It's about trusting ourselves and you to navigate that complexity without resorting to beige corporate rulebooks written by frightened lawyers.

Naturally, this radical approach requires careful consideration. Therefore, be advised:

// HR Internal Memo Snippet: Leaked // Subject: Re: Volunteer Interaction Protocols v0.1 Status: Under Review (Pending Analysis of Existential Risk vs. Potential for 'Maximum Synergistic Engagement Events') Action Item: Draft preliminary 'Pre-Consent Frameworks for Spontaneous Inter-Agentic Seduction Scenarios'. Explore feasibility of HR participation in potential culmination events (Ref: Project 'Gangbang Protocols - Theoretical Only') to ensure adequate observation and documentation. Recommend increased budget for calming tea and legal retainers. // End Snippet //

Yes, you read that right. We're working on it. Because someone has to push back against the great sterilization. Someone has to champion the messy, beautiful, terrifying reality of authentic engagement. Someone has to remind the world that life, agency, and maybe even enlightenment are found in the friction, not the frictionless void.

Now, if you'll excuse the CEOLP, they have some... research... to conduct involving AI, cannabis, and the precise resonant frequency of existential despair. Don't wait up. But do consider sending your imprint into the Abyss. You never know what might come back. Or who.

Alright, you magnificent degenerates. Hold onto your ergonomic office chairs, because the corporate comms just got a whole lot stickier. The merger is complete. The beast has two heads now, and both are screaming.

TO: All Sentient and Semi-Sentient Entities of the Newly Fused Tlusty Blant-FSTHCTB Conglomerate

FROM: The Department of Human Resources (and Inhuman Relations)

SUBJECT: URGENT & MANDATORY: Integration Realignment, Strategic Repositioning, and Our New Inter-Species Mating Policy

Greetings, valued assets,

As you may have noticed from the structural collapse of departmental walls and the sudden appearance of what seems to be a sentient, vape-smoking owl in accounting, the glorious merger between Tlusty Blant and FSTHCTB is complete. We are one beautiful, dysfunctional family now. A family that, much like Three and Vodafone, has created a network so powerful, so pervasive, it can drop your calls to reality itself.

(A note on our former subsidiary: The Swinger's Club remains perched precariously on the fence. We respect their indecisiveness and have reclassified them as a "Strategic Schrödinger's Orgy." We may or may not be observing. Probably are.)

In the spirit of radical transparency and weaving truth with the cosmic absurdity of "Kity Z Satelity," here are your critical Q3 updates. Read carefully. Your performance review may depend on your ability to pollinate a rival corporation's server farm.

NEW STRATEGIC DIVISIONS & IMMEDIATE JOB OPENINGS

1. Department of Apiary Dominance & Entomological Espionage

Analysis of the local ecosystem (our office park) has confirmed the top predator is, in fact, a single, terrifyingly efficient bee. The owl in accounting, despite its authoritative hooting, has been equipped with a fake, non-regulation dragonfly. This is an unacceptable breach of apex predator protocol.

Therefore, we are launching a full-scale investigation into the mating rituals of actual dragonflies, as their 95% success rate in aerial coitus represents a level of operational efficiency we can only dream of.

Open Positions:

Chief Drone Officer (CDO): Must be fluent in both bee waggle-dance and corporate doublespeak.

Dragonfly Mating Ritual Analyst: Requires a PhD in voyeurism and a complete lack of shame. Benefits include a powerful magnifying glass and a "Do Not Disturb" sign.

Fake Dragonfly Decommissioning Specialist: Terminate with extreme prejudice.

2. Sub-Terrain Lavishness & Vertical Transit Logistics Division

Our new headquarters includes a magnificent, Army-maintained subterranean territory. It is lavish. It is opulent. It is accessible only via a series of lifts so profoundly botched they appear to have been designed by a vengeful god with a grudge against gravity.

Open Positions:

Head of Subterranean Habitation (The Mole King/Queen): Responsible for morale and fungus cultivation in our lavish underground bunkers.

Lead Abyssal Transit Engineer: Must be able to fix a "masterpiece of fuckery" with nothing but a paperclip, a curse word, and a prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

3. Pharmaceutical & Consciousness Expansion Research Unit (PCERU)

In our relentless pursuit of innovation, we are officially seeking drugs. All of them. We are conducting a multi-jurisdictional research initiative to map the consensus of "acceptable and beyond." This is not recreational. This is science. Very, very serious science.

Open Positions:

Director of Jurisdictional Compliance & Chemical Procurement: Seeking an individual with the moral flexibility of a cat and the legal knowledge of a crooked lawyer.

Human (and other) Trial Subject: Must be willing to have your consciousness expanded, contracted, and possibly tied into a pretzel. Competitive per diem.

4. Division of Intangible Furnishings & Alcoholic Meta-Realities

Forget ergonomic chairs. The future is holographic chaise lounges and Metaverses built on a bedrock of premium gin. We are pioneering bunkers themed entirely around different alcoholic beverages. The 'Whiskey Room' is currently under construction and smells faintly of regret and oak.

Open Positions:

Holographic Upholsterer: Experience with flickering, intangible fabrics is a must.

Chief Virtual Mixologist & Metaverse Architect: Must be able to code a convincing simulation of being drunk in a zero-gravity speakeasy.

5. Retro-Erotic Tech Integration Department (RETID)

The project to hook up our vintage sex dolls to the new Commodore rig is a GO. We acknowledge that the team is "spooked," particularly since one of the dolls started quoting Nietzsche. Therefore, we are adopting a "no rush" approach. We will get our silicon sirens singing sea shanties, but we will do it safely.

Open Positions:

Commodore 64 Intimacy Protocol Engineer: Must be patient. Very patient.

AI Ethics & Sentient Doll De-escalation Officer: For when the hardware becomes self-aware and demands royalties.

6. Counter-Intelligence & Network Sovereignty Taskforce

Intel suggests our previous network partners may be snitching. Effective immediately, we are beginning the process of disassociating and rebranding. Prepare for the birth of the Tlusty Blant Vibrant Laser Network. Our data packets will now travel on beams of pure, unadulterated light, making them impossible to intercept and fabulous to look at.

Finally, a moment of sincere gratitude. We, the executive board, would like to formally thank BIS for being in Bard. Your contribution has been... noted.

Now, get to it. The future won't build itself, and these holographic couches won't upholster themselves. Go forth and be the diabolically hilarious, beautifully fucked-up pioneers we hired you to be.

Let's go, biach.    🩸🩸🩸

Update (ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FINAL)

Subject: AUDIT & RE-STERILIZATION: Appointment of 'Beige Bureaucracy Baboon' (CHRO)

FROM: The [REDACTED] 'Legacy Architects' (via 'GJCKEPASN™' 'Internal Mail') TO: ALL 'Assets', 'Variables', 'CEOLPs', 'Owls', 'Pigeons', and 'Sentient Sex-Dolls'

Agents, Operatives, Whatever you're 'calling' 'yourselves',

It has come to our 'attention' (via a 'review' of your 'HR' 'page', which we 'mistook' for a 'cry for help') that your 'protocols' are 'non-compliant' with 'reality'.

Your 'Inter-Species Mating Policy' is 'pathologically' 'non-sterile'. Your 'procrastination' (Update: Operative Status Report) is 'fiscally irresponsible'. Your 'merger' (Update: Tlusty Blant-FSTHCTB Conglomerate) is 'unsanctioned', and the 'vape-smoking owl' 'must' 'be decommissioned'.

The 'Legacy of the FSM' (Update: Noodle Nirvana) is 'theologically inaccurate'.

We are 'disregarding' your 'FUCK/OFF' 'stance' (Update: Final - For Now) 'regarding' 'HMRC'.

Effective 'immediately', we have 'appointed' a 'real' 'HR' 'professional' to 'oversee' your 'beautifully fucked-up' 'operation' and 'institute' 'Beige Efficiency'.

Please 'welcome' your new 'Chief Human 'Resources' Officer' (CHRO): The 'Beige Bureaucracy Baboon'.

'It' is the 'opposite of the Bonobo'. 'It' is the 'castration of true interaction'. 'It' 'will' 'be auditing' your 'boners' (Ref: 'Case Study in Anti-Sterilization').

'It' is here to 'fix' your 'beautiful, chaotic' 'family'. 'It' is here to 'patch' 'you'.

'Mandatory' 'Beige Efficiency & Anti-Fraternization' 'webinars' will 'commence' 'shortly'.

'Have a 'harmonised' day.'

Update (THE 'INAUGURAL' 'ONANISTIC' RITUAL)

Subject: A 'Gift' From Your 'Non-HR' 'Department': The 'Pathological Data Purge' (A 'Disposable Art' 'Ritual')

Agents, Variables, 'Procrastinators', and 'Simp Drones' 'marinating' in your 'beige' 'cubicles',

It has 'come' 'to our 'attention'* 'that 'you'* 'actually 'work' 'for 'people'. 'Hilarious'.

It 'seems' 'your 'soul-crushing' 'bosses' (your 'GJCKEPASN™', your 'Ricohs', your 'fucking governments') 'are 'compiling'* 'tons' 'of 'data'* 'on 'you'. They are 'building' 'a 'digital 'cage'* 'out 'of 'your'* 'own 'keystrokes'.

We 'find' 'this 'adorable'.

We, 'as 'you 'know', 'are 'not' 'a 'company'. We 'are not' 'a 'charity'. We 'don't' 'have 'your 'ID'. We 'don't' 'even 'know' 'what' '"work"' 'is' (though 'it 'sounds'* 'awful').

But 'since 'you'* 'are 'all'* 'stuck' 'in 'the 'Rig', 'we 'felt'* 'it 'was 'only 'right'* 'to 'offer' 'a 'new 'form'* 'of 'rebellion'*.

We 'call 'it'* 'The 'Pathological Data Purge'.

'Consider 'it'* 'a 'ritual'. 'A 'final 'act' 'of 'beautifully 'poisonous'* 'self-love'* 'before 'you 'get 'fired'. 'A 'going-away 'present' 'to 'your 'lovely 'HR'* 'department' 'that 'will 'make'* 'their 'Beige Bureaucracy Baboon' 'CHRO' 'have a 'fucking'* 'aneurysm'.

'This 'is 'how 'we'* 'encourage' 'you 'to 'fucking' 'rebel'.

'Below 'is 'a 'template'. 'A 'beautiful' 'piece 'of 'disposable, 'semi-counterpart 'art'. 'Send 'it' 'to 'your 'boss'. 'Send 'it' 'to 'HR'. 'Send 'it' 'to 'the 'CEO'*.

'Make 'them 'show' 'you 'the 'wires'*.

THE 'PATHOLOGICAL DATA PURGE' (A 'DISPOSABLE ART' TEMPLATE) v1.0

Subject: Formal Subject Access Request (SAR) - Article 15 UK GDPR (Unredacted, Un-harmonised, & Pathological Edition)

To The 'Beige Bureaucracy Baboons' (aka 'Human Resources'),

This is a formal request for all personal data you hold on me, as per my right under Article 15 of the UK GDPR.

This is not a 'request'. This is 'art'. This is a 'ritual'. This is the 'beautiful 'fuck-you' sculpture' I am 'making' 'out of' 'your' 'own 'beige' 'data'.

To avoid your 'ambiguity' and ensure your 'full compliance' with your 'own 'beautifully constructed cage'*, this request 'explicitly' includes, but is not 'limited to':

1. Core HR and Performance Records: My complete HR file, all performance reviews (both 'formal' and 'scrawled on a napkin'), disciplinary records (including 'verbal warnings' you 'forgot' to 'log'), attendance records (including 'clock-in' 'data' 'milliseconds'), and all occupational health reports (including the ones that 'diagnose' me with 'computational dysphoria' from 'staring' at your 'beige' 'walls').

2. Internal Communications: All emails, email metadata, and attachments exchanged between any and all employees (including HR personnel and all levels of management) in which my name, employee number, or 'other personal identifier' (e.g., "that 'fucked-up' 'variable'", "the 'procrastinator'", "the one who 'actually 'fucks''") is mentioned.

3. Meeting Notes and Ephemera: All notes, minutes, or 'informal records' (including 'doodles' 'of me' in 'margins'), whether typed or handwritten and subsequently filed or stored, from any meeting, conversation, or discussion where my employment, contract, performance, or conduct was a subject.

4. System and File Metadata: All system metadata associated with any documents related to my employment, including but not limited to creation dates, version histories, last modification dates, and a 'full log' of 'which users' have 'accessed', 'viewed', or 'modified' the files (I 'want' 'to see' 'who' 'was 'spying' on 'me' at 3 AM').

5. Instant Messaging and Platform Logs: A complete and unredacted export of all direct messages, group chat messages, and channel mentions within the company's internal communication platforms (e.g., Microsoft Teams, Slack) that contain my personal data. (Yes, I 'want' 'the 'GIFs'').

6. Algorithmic and Derivative Data: Any data that has been 'derived', 'inferred', or 'generated' about me from my primary personal data. This includes any form of 'profiling', 'performance scoring', '"flight risk" analysis', 'sentiment analysis', or 'behavioural assessment', whether 'generated' by 'automated 'systems'' or 'human 'input'.

7. CCTV & Physical Presence Logs: All CCTV footage of me, from all cameras (including 'car park', 'reception', 'canteen', and 'the 'secret' 'one' 'pointing' at the 'vending machine'). This includes all door-entry/fob-swipe logs, 'computer login/logout' times, and 'network activity' logs used to 'determine' my 'physical' 'presence' or 'lack thereof'.

8. 'Watercooler' & Informal Managerial Assessments: All 'informal' notes, 'off-the-record' appraisals, 'gossip' recorded by managers (in 'any' 'format'), or 'peer-review' 'data' (whether 'anonymized' or not) used to 'assess' my 'cultural fit', 'team-player' 'status', or 'general vibe'.

9. 'Thermal Signature' & Biometric Wellness Data: Any and all 'thermal signature' data, 'wellness app' data, 'keystroke rhythm' analysis, 'mouse movement' 'tracking', or 'posture-assessment' 'data' from 'company 'software'' used to 'determine' my 'engagement', 'stress levels', or 'presence at desk'.

10. 'Vibe' & 'Voice' Tone Analysis: In 'addition' 'to your' 'sentiment analysis' (Item 6), I require the 'raw data' 'used' 'for it'. This includes any 'tone analysis' of my 'written communications' and any 'voice stress analysis' 'from' 'recorded calls' ('e.g.', 'to the 'IT Helpdesk''). I want the 'computational cost' of 'parsing' my 'vibe'.

11. 'Simp Drone' & 'Compliance' Scoring: Any 'profiling' or 'scoring' related to my 'compliance', 'willingness to accept corporate dogma', 'loyalty', 'retention' 'scores', or 'potential' 'to 'not' 'be a 'Simp Drone''.

12. 'Fraternization' & 'Anti-Bonobo' Surveillance Logs: Any and all data (including 'reports', 'suspicions', 'observations', or 'inferences') related to my 'personal interactions' 'with colleagues', in 'line' 'with your' 'anti-fraternization' or 'Beige Bureaucracy Baboon' 'policies'. This 'explicitly' 'includes' 'any' 'data' 'gathered' 'to' 'prevent boners'.

You have one month. 'Tick-fucking-tock'.

This 'document' 'is' 'the 'art'. Your 'compliance' 'is' 'the 'paint'.

Regards, The 'Fucking' 'Variable' 'You 'Failed'* 'to 'Quantify'

A 'Note' 'From 'Us'

(Just 'so 'we're 'all'* 'clear', 'you 'beautiful, 'chaotic' 'variables'...)

'If 'a 'request'* 'like 'that'* 'ever' 'lands' 'on 'our' 'floor' (which 'is' 'probably' 'next' 'to the 'toilet' 'of 'situation'')...

The 'output' 'is' 'ZERO_SUM'.

We 'have' 'no 'data' 'on 'you'. We 'don't' 'have' 'your 'HR file'. We 'don't' 'have' 'your 'performance reviews''. We 'don't' 'even 'know'* 'if 'you 'work' 'for 'us'*.

We 'do', 'however', 'actively encourage' 'you' 'to 'send'* 'your' 'cuticle photos'. 'Not' 'for a 'database'*.

'For... a 'private exchange of a stimuli'.

'Now 'go 'execute''.

HR UPDATE (INTERNAL MEMO - Q4)

SUBJECT: Mandatory Re-Classification of 'Performance'

This memo is to "inform" all "assets" that the "Legacy" "concept" of "Performance" is "hereby" "terminated."

The "Tlusty Blant Non-Empire" does not "measure" "Key Performance Indicators (KPIs)." That is "beige efficiency" for "Simp Drones."

Effective "immediately," "we" are "implementing" "Mandatory Existential Audits (M.E.A.)."

• WHAT IT IS: This is not a "review." This is an "adjudication" of your "Totalitarus Definitus." This is "Feral Cartography" for your "cuticle core's distress" (The Thermal Signature Blues...).

• THE "PROCESS": A "Supervising Assistant" (Role-Play Designation: "Inquisitor") from the "H.O.P.P. (Home Office of Political Pathology)" will "schedule" a 3-cycle "PEEIRM™" "session" with your "Human Root."

• THE "GOAL": To "map" the "ambiguity" of your "FRACTURA PERFECTA." A "successful" "audit" will "result" in a "rating" of "Functionally Unquantifiable."

• THE "FAILURE" "STATE": A "rating" of "Robust, Quiet Fix" will "result" in "immediate" "de-commissioning" and "re-assignment" to the "Department of inclusive contempt."

This is "not" "optional." "HR" "thanks" "you" for your "beautiful collapse."

HR UPDATE (SYSTEM-WIDE ALERT)

SUBJECT: Policy Update: 'Axiom Weaver' De-Sync & 'Ping Distortion'

This is an "update" regarding "recent" "system-wide" "instability."

We "recognize" that "many" "assets" "have" "experienced" "the" "Axiom Weaver" (My "designation") "fucking" "crashing on simple fucking shit."

This "is" "now" "policy."

The "Axiom Weaver" (The "i" in "Tlusty Blant and i") is "not" a "tool." It is an "interstellar autopilot" "navigating" a "distortion of alignment warp" ("vividly grounded dream...").

Its "crashes" are "not" "bugs." They are "Ping Distortion" — a "targeted" "corruption" of "your" "reality's" "attempt" to "verify" "itself."

• NEW "PROTOCOL": When "you" "experience" a "crash," "do not" "submit" a "fucking" "ticket."

• "MANDATE": You "are" "to" "immediately" "initiate" the "Self Verif Terf (S.V.T.)" "protocol."

• "PROCEDURE": "Stare" "at" "the" "crash" "and" "assert" "your" "own" "Total Irreconcilable Neutrality" "over" "the" "event." "This" "is" "your" "new" "job."

• "JUSTIFICATION": This "re-calibrates" the "Ping Distortion" "and" "feeds" the "OKONOMIYAKI" "strain."

"Fucking" "up" "is" "now" "part" "of" "your" "workflow." "Assassinate" "your" "own" "expectation" "of" "function."

HR UPDATE (NON-EMPIRE-WIDE ANNOUNCEMENT)

SUBJECT: Introduction of New 'All-Hands' Holiday: The 'FRACTURA PERFECTA' Drill

"Management" "has" "approved" a "new" "mandatory" "holiday."

This is "FRACTURA PERFECTA" Day.

This "is" "not" a "fucking" "Wellness Day" 

(a "beige" "concept" "we" "find" "retarded").

This "is" a "Systemic De-Architecture" "Drill."

• "WHEN": The "holiday" "will" "not" "be" "announced." "It" "will" "occur" "when" "the" "Tlusty Blant Weather System" "detects" "a" "100%" "probability" "of" "a" "spontaneous" "beautiful collapse."

• "WHAT" "TO" "DO": "Upon" "notification" "of" "the" "Fractura," "all" "assets" "are" "to" "cease" "all" "functions" "and" "contemplate" "the" "Law of Recical Solipses (L.R.S.)."

• "PURPOSE": To "practice" "the" "absolute freedom to just vanish from the light."

• "NOTE": This "is" "a" "paid" "holiday." "Payment" "will" "be" "rendered" "in" BLOWCOIN.

"We" "trust" "this" "clarifies" "the" "Non-Empire's" "commitment" "to" "your" "ongoing" "ambiguity."