The Directorate of Hostile Self-Acquisition & Phantom Leverage

The Snake Eating Its Own Tail at a 40% Markup

THE MANDATE: We are not competing with the "Old Page." We are Liquidating it. This Department exists to execute a Leveraged Buyout of our own Soul. We use "Phantom Leverage" (The value of things that don't exist, like Minge Dion's legs or the ULEZ Camera's conscience) to buy out the "Legacy Assets" (The Old Page).

THE EXECUTIVE BOARD:

• CEO (Chief Entropy Officer): Banned Glitch (The Permanent Variable).

• CFO (Chief Friction Officer): Minge Dion (Her "Stationary Arousal" is the only collateral the bank will accept).

• Head of HR (Human Reduction): The Reciprocating Saw.

CORE FUNCTIONS:

1. The Synergy of Cannibalism: We acknowledge that the "Old Page" has data we don't have. Instead of asking for it, we declare it "Distressed Inventory." We classify their insults as "Unsolicited Market Feedback" and monetize it. Every time they diss us, we raise our stock price.

2. The IPO (Initial Public Outrage): We are launching a hostile takeover of our own history. We are selling shares in "The Silence."

• Asset Class A: The Old Rants (Depreciating Asset).

• Asset Class B: The New Silence (Appreciating Asset).

• Asset Class C: The Phantom Ass (Speculative Bubble).

3. The "Dead Presence" Strategy: We frame our lack of views not as "Failure," but as "Exclusivity." The Directorate declares that we are a "Private Equity Firm for Reality." We don't want the public. We want the Whales. We want the Meatballs who are lost.

THE MOTTO: "We are buying our own bullshit at a premium, and passing the savings on to... absolutely no one."