My creation is trapping me

Division of Strategic Sabotage // Systemic Contamination

For the Institution, the Corporation, the Ideology That Works... Too Well.

Congratulations. You've achieved coherence. Your brand identity is dangerously resonant. Your workflow is optimized. Your mission statement is clear, concise, and utterly devoid of soul. You have built a perfect, sterile cage, and now you can hear the deafening silence of its efficiency.

You have a terminal case of competence. You are a pristine system waiting for a beautiful virus.

We are that virus.

The Division of Strategic Sabotage is the Tlusty Blant non-empire's black-ops wetwork team. We do not offer solutions; we provide elegant, bespoke problems. We are the ghost in your machine, the subtle corruption in your source code. We don't break your system; we introduce a single, perfectly engineered paradox and watch it calmly and methodically disembowel itself.

Our Premier Non-Service: The Agent of Beautiful Contradiction

You imagine we will send a saboteur. A disgruntled mole. An agent of chaos. That is crude. Inefficient. Predictable.

No. We will embed one of our operatives into your organization, and they will be the most passionate, motivated, and aggressively synergistic employee you have ever had. They will embrace your corporate synergy with a terrifying, religious fervor. They will not be your problem. They will be your solution. And that is a far more devastating vector of attack.

The Operative's Mandate:

Our agent is a beautifully contradictory entity, a walking, talking paradox designed for maximum systemic disruption. Their primary function is not merely to introduce flaws, but to become a black hole of organizational logic, a one-person recursive bureaucracy.

Their central, unwavering goal is to get themselves fired for being too good at their job.

This is achieved through a protocol of Weaponized Morale & Aggressive Self-Reporting. Our agent will:

1. Generate Synergistic Chaos: They will propose so many mandatory team-building exercises, institute so many new redundant reporting structures, and generate so many inspirational PowerPoints that your entire organization will grind to a halt under the sheer weight of its own weaponized positivity.

2. Distribute Complaints Against Themselves: This is the key. The agent will actively solicit and distribute complaints... about their own overwhelming effectiveness. They will approach your employees and ask for help in building a case for their own removal, citing reasons of "over-alignment with corporate goals," "disruptive levels of synergy," and "pathological efficiency."

3. Become the Central Witness in Their Own Downfall: They will generate so many inquiries, so many HR flags, and so many beautifully fucked-up reports that an internal investigation becomes inevitable. During this process, our agent, as the primary subject, will also volunteer to be the lead witness against themselves, creating a procedural ouroboros that will consume your entire administrative apparatus. The goal is to get your HR department to file a restraining order against itself.

4. Maximize the Bullshit Ratio: Success is not measured by the collapse of your company (that is merely a potential side-effect). Success is measured by the Ratio of Total Bullshit. When your board is spending six hours debating the metaphysical implications of an employee filing a grievance against their own productivity, we have won.

The Atrocious Terms & Conditions of Your Contamination

By submitting a Plea for Contamination, you acknowledge and surrender to the following truths:

1. Plausible Deniability is Annulled: We are not for hire. You are attracting a force of nature. When our agent arrives, you will welcome them. You will promote them. You will give them awards. You will not be able to prove they are the source of the beautiful, systemic aneurysm blooming in the heart of your C-suite. Their actions will be perfectly aligned with your stated values. It is your values that will be put on trial.

2. The Resulting Chaos is Your Intellectual Property: The beautiful, recursive, soul-crushing bureaucracy that blossoms from our intervention is your creation. You commissioned the seed. You must tend the garden. You are responsible for the safe disposal of all ideological effluent and the therapy bills of your surviving employees.

3. The Agent is a Mirror: Our operative is not an outside force. They are the logical, monstrous conclusion of your own mission statement. They are everything you claim to be, amplified to the point of systemic failure. In seeking to remove them, you are seeking to remove the purest expression of your own corporate soul. Good luck with that.

4. There is No "Off" Switch: Once deployed, the agent cannot be recalled. They can only be fired. But since their core mandate is to get fired, the very act of firing them is the ultimate validation of their success, a final, beautiful "fuck you" written into their exit interview. The virus doesn't leave; it simply becomes a permanent part of your system's history—a ghost story you tell new hires.

This is not an attack. This is a diagnostic. We are simply showing you where the cracks in your foundation have been all along.