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"The Wettest Stories Ever Told"
"The Wettest Stories Ever Told"
A tale of the Mayflower's voyage is told with Springfield residents on board. A storm is blowing the ship off course.
Reverend: Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.
Bart (whining): Oh, when we landed I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.
Lisa: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.
Bart (quickly): 31 plus 43.
Lisa: 74.
All: Witch! Witch! Witch!
"Girls Just Want to Have Sums"
"Girls Just Want to Have Sums"
Immediately following the premiere of her Itchy & Scratchy musical Stab-A-Lot, director Juliana Krellner appears onstage and is publicly congratulated by her former principal, Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight A’s in school.
Juliana: Well, I remember getting a “B” or two in math.
Skinner (laughs): Well, of course you did. You are a girl.
[The audience gasps.]
Skinner: No! All, all I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science, the real subjects. There, that should put the matter behind us.
[The audience gasps again.]
Juliana (to audience): Calm down, calm down. I'm sure Principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior.
Skinner: No, ‘course not. I don't know why girls are worse. Uh, one thing we can all agree on, though, this little lady sure looks pretty tonight. Am I right?
[The crowd boos and throws things at him.]
2. Angry townsfolk protest outside Skinner’s office at Springfield Elementary.
Crowd: Two, four, six, eight! Stop the man from teaching hate! Eight, six, four, two! We do math as good as you!
Protest signs include "Skinner + Words = Hate," "XX = XY" and his mother's sign, "Why Did I Multiply?"
3. Women's educational expert Melanie Upfoot, temporarily replacing Skinner as principal, addresses the children at school.
Upfoot: For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math. Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard. From now on, I'm splitting the school in two, separating the boys and the girls forever.
Melanie Upfoot begins teaching her first class in the all-girls classroom.
Upfoot: Now, let's buckle down and do some math.
Lisa: Yes!
[The teacher turns on an electronic device that plays soft music and projects colorful mathematical symbols all around the classroom.]
Upfoot: How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven odd, or just different?
Lisa: Are we gonna do any actual math problems?
Upfoot: "Problems"? (scoffs) That's how men see math: something to be attacked, to be "figured out."
Lisa: But . . . isn't it? I mean, confidence building can't replace real learning.
Upfoot: Uh-oh, Lisa. Sounds like you're trying to derail our “self-esteem engine.”
4. Lisa peers through the window to the math class in the all-boys classroom, taught by Mr. Pierce.
Mr. Pierce: Now, boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman. Anyone?
Martin: Just add the volume of the spheres! We know the radii.
Lisa: He forgot the volume of the carrot nose: one-third base times height! Oh, math, I have missed you!
Skinner (appearing at the window): No girls allowed!
Lisa: Principal Skinner!
Skinner: It’s Groundskeeper Skinner, now.
Groundskeeper Willie: Assistant Groundskeeper, you puke!
Lisa: Assistant Groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl?
Skinner (sighs): I don't have any opinions anymore. All I know is that no one is better than anyone else, and everyone is the best at everything.
5. Lisa: Mom, the girls' school is a joke, and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math.
Marge: When I was in school, I loved math, until . . .
[A flashback shows a younger Marge studying with a calculus book on the beach, when younger Homer arrives in a dune buggy.]
Homer: Hey, Professor Von Hubba-Hubba! Wanna hop in my dune bug and erode some beach?
Marge: Oh, I'd love to, but I've got my calculus final tomorrow.
Homer: Come on, baby, the only math you need is you plus me equals forever.
Marge: Oh, Homie!
[She leaves with him.]
[Present day] Marge: Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the calculus I've encountered in my daily life. But that's not going to happen to you!
Lisa: Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school.
Marge: Yes, unless . . .
6. Lisa disguises herself as a boy named Jake Boyman to get into the boys' math class, taught by Mr. Pierce.
Mr. Pierce: Everyone, take out your math books, come on.
[Lisa gets out her book titled “Real Math” with slogan “Now Extra Challenging!” Mr. Pierce writes the equation Y x Y = 25 on the board.]
Mr. Pierce: Now, how many different numbers can Y be?
Lisa (as Jake): That's easy! Just one: the number five.
Teacher: Wrong.
[Lisa gasps.]
Martin: There are two possible solutions: five and negative five.
[The teacher writes these solutions on the board.]
Lisa’s interior voice: Oh my god, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! (happily) And no one cared about my feelings!
7. Lisa, disguised as Jake, considers fighting in order to fit in with at the all-boys school. Her conscience is voiced by animated mathematical symbols.
Inequality symbol: Do it, Lisa. You'll be greater than or equal to boys!
Number 8 [turning on its side into an infinity symbol]: Even though you're only 8, your possibilities are infinite.
Number 27: Twenty-seven!
8. At a co-ed assembly, Lisa, disguised as Jake, receives the award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Mathematics, and she reveals her true identity.
Lisa: That's right, everyone! The best math student in the whole school is a girl!
Bart: The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy!
. . .
Lisa: And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in. I guess the real reason we don't we see many women in math and science is —
Mr. Largo: Would you hurry it up, please? You’re cutting into the award for Best Flautist!
Lisa: Well, whatever the reason is, I'm glad I'm a girl, and I'm glad I'm good at math!
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