Reincarnation - In Search of Self

When I was two years old, I remember I was laying in bed in the living room, my parents were cooking and talking in the kitchen and I was transformed in time and space.

I was a dying warrior laying by a big rock in a field and there was a big fatal wound in my right stomach area. I was bleeding to death. I was so outraged that I was dying. I thought that I would never die in a battlefield. I was the strong one. I was doing the killing, not the other way around.

All my thoughts were of my wife and a very young child. I went to battle because I was getting paid. I could make a living in other ways, but I did not prefer it. This was quick and easy. They were at home, waiting for me to return with my pay. I insisted on doing this. I insisted that this was the best way to earn a living. I thought only strong, brave and capable people like me could do it. This was the superior way of living, as opposed to toiling in the fields and doing other tedious, boring work. I was so sure of myself being a strong warrior. Death had never even crossed my mind.

As I lay dying by a rock, I regretted my decision for going to battle. I regretted putting my wife and child at risk like that. Now that I would die, they would have absolutely nothing. My wife would have to earn a living somehow, but this was going to be a terrible existence for them. All that because I was too arrogant. I destroyed their lives. I betrayed them. I regretted it so bad.

Then I felt myself the little girl again in my little bed. I realized that from now on, I will live as this girl and those two adults in the kitchen would be my parents and this is the house, where I would grow up in. I understood this not as a child, but as an adult.

I did not want to stay there. I felt that I could change the system. I felt that if only I could concentrate on that life, where I was dying as the warrior, and if only I would remember all of the details of that life, such as my name and all other memories, then I would survive in that life and I would die as this girl and I would continue living there and I would take care of my wife and child and I would never be so arrogant as to go to battle for money.

So I started concentrating, trying to remember everything.

"Who am I?" I kept asking. "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?"

I kept trying to remember who I was as that warrior. Who I was, beyond this body of a little girl. I was so desperate. I was trying so, so hard. I don't know how long I spent, torturing myself with this. It felt like a long time. Eventually, I fell asleep. It was a deep sleep of a baby. I finally forgot. The veil of forgetfulness calmed me down and I slept. I woke up from time to time, trying to stay awake. I still had a feeling that I had to remember something important, but I couldn't even remember what I was supposed to remember anymore. Then a deep sleep came, but I never forgot this whole experience. I remember it, as if it had happened just now.

All my life I had been haunted by the question "Who am I?". Though it was no longer about the warrior, who was dying. I had let that go. I knew all my life, that this body of a female was never who I really was. I would look at myself in the mirror, always asking myself: "Ok, I see this body, but this is not me. Not the real me. Who the hell am I? Who am I? I need to go home. I want to go home."

I have always had an urgent desire to go home, to remember who I was and to be who I was. I would sit at home doing something and then I would sigh and say: "I want to go home...". Even today I still catch myself saying that I want to go home. I feel that I'm tired and I want to go home. Meaning, out of this life and home. To my true self. To my comfortable place, where I feel truly home.

So today I had come to work on this by doing two things:

1) Using my relatively newly-restored "extra-sensory" third eye perception abilities to feel my soul. Who is my soul, who is this ray of light or beam of energy, which keeps reincarnating? I meditate and I try to perceive it. It started to give in, little by little.

2) Trying to live my life as authentically as I can. In terms of this personality, this is what it means to be one's true self and to be home. I figure that this is the reason why my soul incarnated here. To see through all of the dense beliefs, values, customs, manipulations, and to be myself, no matter what. This is my purpose in life. If I keep being myself, then I will see who that self is and I will feel home.

The reason I share this is because I think that a lot of us, if not all of us, are here for that. What is the purpose of my life, we ask. Well, here it is. I say that not all are here to do this, because I think that some souls incarnate here to experience the dense belief system we have here on this planet. They, perhaps, wish to experience the complete forgetfulness of who they are as a soul, and that is their free will and desire and that is their way.

This is not to be judged. This is what they choose because that is how they want to experience themselves in this incarnation. All we can do is to see beauty in it, to thank them for being here, to thank them for showing us this side and to realize that thanks to them, we can do our shadow work and to experience this beautiful, blissful liberation of the mind, of the soul, of our true self. Thanks to them, we get to experience an awakening and we get a point of reference, where we had come from and how far we have come.

Thank you all, beautiful souls! Thank you for living your lives as you do. Thank you for letting me see you and learn from you. Blessed be!