Healing the Broken Hearts of Children Within

by Olga Gavrilova

Masha sat in the kitchen, measuring out barley and placing small equal amounts of it into little bags made out of old stockings for keeping. She did it, so that the grain would last for every day before the new bag of grain would be brought in by her father. He worked far away and only showed up once every few weeks to bring food, firewood and to sleep before leaving again.

She knew that he did his best and it was up to her to ration whatever he would bring until the next time. If she got news from the neighbors, who worked with her father, that his trip home would be delayed, she would remove the grain from the little bags again and she would place smaller portions into the little bags to make sure that her little brother and she had something to eat every day until their father would come home.

Sometimes, she had to measure out such small amounts, that she would actually count each grain to make the portions equal. She would then cook them in plenty of water, to make a kind of an empty soup, as it was called. It was more filling to eat the grain with plenty of water.

Masha’s little brother sat by the dimly lit furnace with just enough wood to keep it going, playing with his broken truck. He didn’t really understand their hardship. He often cried and got angry at Masha because he was hungry and she wouldn’t cook anything for him. She was proud of herself to have learned how to ration food so perfectly that they never went a day without food. They would always have food, even though it would be so little. She knew how to satisfy the hunger pangs with various tricks in the kitchen, making something out of nothing.

“Believe it or not, Hyacinth, but Masha is in her heaven right now,” said Borgensen.

Hyacinth and Borgensen watched from a corner of the kitchen’s ceiling, as Masha fed her little brother, teaching him how to eat slowly, savoring every bite and waiting in between bites as well. She savored every few grains in her mouth herself and felt proud that she knew how to do that, so that they would never be left without food for a whole day.

Masha’s little brother would often cry and be naughty and say mean things to her because he did not understand that she simply had no food to give him. She would calmly explain the situation to him, but he would hardly understand what she was talking about. She felt proud of herself for never getting angry at her little brother, because he was young and her responsibility. She felt proud that she never raised her voice at him and always treated him kindly, but most of all, because he had something to eat each day, thanks to her rationing skills.

Little did Masha know that her kitchen no longer existed the way Masha saw it. Her house had been sold and resold a number of times since her death. Water supply had been added, bathrooms installed, everything was renovated, the furnace was walled in and electric heaters replaced it a long time ago. Masha also did not see that her little brother was not her brother at all. He was a thought form she had created for herself to add meaning to her existence after death as a ghost in her father’s house.

“I’m confused whether to feel happy or sad for her,” said Hyacinth. “It’s truly a heaven for her. It feels safe, predictable, reliable, but on the other hand, she actually created a constant state of hunger and she is suffering the pangs in her stomach continuously.”

“If you want to become a spirit guide, Hyacinth, you’ll need to go further than judging for yourself if she’s happy or sad,” said Borgensen.

“I know, I know, but it’s so easy to just decide if I need to bud in, based on how content I am looking at her!” Hyacinth created a bunch of temporary thought form fireworks that filled the kitchen to make a point how unsettled she felt about this. “I find it really curious how, having lived hundreds of human lives and a ridiculous amount of non-human incarnations, I can still be so childish!”

“Your childishness is a gift that you still haven’t learned to value in full, Hyacinth,” said Borgensen and threw a little imaginary yo-yo her way. “Once you learn to value the state of childishness in yourself and others, you will become an amazing spirit guide to have. Maybe even I will live out a life or two, just to be guided by you and see what I learn from you!”

“Very funny, Borgensen, like you could use guidance from me!” Hyacinth laughed with pink and light blue bubbly clouds forming around her.

“I wouldn’t say no to guidance and teachings from your child state, Hyacinth, and you’d be amazed how much you could get from your own child state, too.”

A toddler screamed with pleasure, excitement and curiosity, all at once, in the same kitchen as where the ghost of Masha sat measuring out grain again. The living family that occupied that house was having breakfast in the kitchen and the toddler got apple puree all over himself, the baby table, his mom, the floor and even the opposite wall. A kitten ran across the table, knocking over dad’s cup of coffee on the floor, got scared, then got distracted by a piece of dry cat food, skillfully and noisily knocking the piece of food all around the kitchen floor.

“What does this contrast of this family’s happiness, abundance and liveliness with Masha’s hunger, poverty and loneliness have to teach you, do you think?” Borgensen asked Hyacinth.

“I find it a bit annoying that the contrast is so perfectly aligned, as if the wisdom is right there, but I am blind to it,” said Hyacinth.

“Which part of you is blind to it, do you think?” asked Borgensen.

“I’ll bet it’s my childish part. Even the situation seems to be easy, like an elementary school worksheet.”

“Well, an elementary school worksheet is not easy for an elementary school child,” said Borgensen.

“Are you saying that I should approach this with my child part?”

“You can approach it with any part you like, Hyacinth. What would you do if you were Masha’s guide right now?”

“I’d call on her higher state and we’d have a chat”, said Hyacinth.

“Ok, do that then,” said Borgensen.

Hyacinth summoned the higher state of Masha’s soul to the already overcrowded kitchen.

A beautiful woman appeared, floating just below the ceiling. She had long smooth black hair, a blue dress with multiple semi-transparent shimmering veils floating around her, and she was sitting on a rock, around which a small forest river silently flowed by.

“Hi, there,” said Hyacinth.

“Hello,” said Masha’s higher state of consciousness.

She looked like she was in a dreamy kind of peace and contentment. Kindness poured out of her into all directions, as if her veils were small rivers of peaceful energies, healing just by their presence.

“Thank you for coming. I’m Hyacinth and this is my teacher, guide and mentor, Borgensen. I’m training to become a spirit guide, and Borgensen and I are curious about Masha’s current experience. Could we learn from you, and, perhaps, help in any way?”

“Yes, of course,” said the blue veiled woman. “How wonderful of you to train for a spirit guide. I can see you’re already doing amazing. I love hyacinths, by the way. They are some of my favorite flowers!” She gracefully moved her hand aside and a river bank, full of little deep blue hyacinths was revealed for a few moments and then disappeared.

“May I just confirm that this little girl, Masha, is one of your previously incarnated personalities?” asked Hyacinth.

“Yes, she lived about two hundred and twenty Earth years ago. I’m glad they kept the house around. It’s a beautiful renovated antique now.”

“Thank you,” Hyacinth continued. “May I ask, why do you just let her stay in this state of hunger, poverty and lack? Why not illuminate and heal her, getting help, if needed, instead of letting her stay here alone, living with her imaginary brother?”

“I’m not letting her do anything,” said the woman on the river. “She is free to do whatever she wants. She chooses this. I respect her choice. It is beautiful, just as hyacinths are beautiful, and just as I am beautiful. Do you not see her as beautiful?”

“I do,” said Hyacinth. “She has lots of stamina, endurance and patience. She is good at what she does and has given herself the best world she knows of, but I can’t help wanting to help her. She makes me feel sad, because she could have so much more than grain and water! She could awaken to the whole universe of everything to enjoy!”

“So, she makes you feel sad, and you want to help her because you want to feel better?” asked the veiled woman.

“Yes, it would make me feel better, but also it would make her be happier. Wouldn’t that be a win-win?”

“How do you know it will make her feel happier?”

“Because there is so much more to enjoy than what she’s creating for herself!”

“There is much more, you are right. Do you think you are enjoying all there is to enjoy?”

“No, I know there is much more and that is why I am now training to be a spirit guide and learning about consciousness in general, so that I could become more and more free, so that I could explore even more of myself and all there is to explore.”

“Right, and would you like to be illuminated by me or Borgensen, so that you can skip some of that self-exploration and enjoy the things you would enjoy, had you reached your relatively higher state?”

“I know I have my higher state already. I talk to it from time to time. I receive guidance from it. But I see your point. No, I wouldn’t want to skip on my self-exploration. That’s what allows me to grow and become more free in my perception and pleasure as well. But at least I am not in a miserable state, like Masha. Isn’t there a way to help her along to a state that is not that painful?”

“It is only miserable and painful for you to watch her, knowing what you know now, knowing that there is much more to enjoy. She believes she has mastered a big level and currently feels on top of her game.”

“It’s one sad game to be on top of,” said Hyacinth and felt a little down. “You are right. Whatever I’d be doing for Masha, I would be doing it because I want it and because I will feel better about it. I will feel good when I see her enjoy more than this state of hunger, lack and poverty. I also know that she has her own freedom of will and it will always be her choice as to what reality she creates for herself. But I still wish that I could do something! Are you just going to let her stay like that forever?”

“She won’t stay like that forever. She will wake up into a larger reality eventually,” said the veiled woman. “You may not have noticed it, Hyacinth, but in a unique way, her hunger is actually growing. It’s not very noticeable, but those hunger pangs in her stomach are getting stronger and stronger. She is the one doing this, but she is unconscious of it. She will soon have to do something about that growing hunger, and that’s when things will start to get more interesting.”

“So we’re just going to fold our hands and watch?” asked Hyacinth. “Borgensen, what would the role a spirit guide be here for Masha? What can a spirit guide do?”

Borgensen seemed very content, watching Hyacinth growing more and more restless.

“I don’t know, Hyacinth. What could you possibly do for Masha without violating her free will? What would a child like her respond to?”

“What would a child, like her respond to?” thought Hyacinth. “What would a child like her respond to?”

Hyacinth thought and thought, and planned and schemed, and imagined and created, and finally, she became smug and tricky and mysterious.

“Alright, Borgensen and Masha’s higher state, I want to play a game,” said Hyacinth. “The rules are that I will not directly violate her free will, and besides that I can do whatever I want?”

“You can do whatever you want, Hyacinth, provided that you understand and remember your own chosen karma consequences of your actions,” said Borgensen.

“I don’t mind, as long as Masha’s free will is not tempered with,” said the veiled woman.

“Alrighty, then!” said Hyacinth and disappeared giggling.

Almost immediately, there was a knock at the kitchen door and Masha stared at the door. It was apparent that all of her previous visitors were really of her own creation, ad this one wasn’t. There was another knock and Masha’s little thought form brother went running towards the door.

“Be careful, Dima!” Masha warned her brother. “Ask who it is, first!”

“Who is it?” Dima asked in his high pitched voice.

“It’s Anna, I’m your neighbor’s cousin,” a voice came from behind the door. “Could you please let me in?”

The little boy opened the door and Masha gave him a stern look in protest.

A little girl came in, around Masha’s age. She was dressed just a little better than Masha herself and had an old travelling bag with her. Borgensen and the veiled woman, still observing from the ceiling, recognized Hyacinth in the girl.

“Hi, Masha, I came to stay with your neighbors,” said Hyacinth as Anna. “My father passed away and I was left alone. My uncle and aunt, your neighbors invited me to stay with them, but their house is so overcrowded now with all of the visitors coming to grieve. It’s too cold to sleep on the floor and I wanted to ask you if I could spend a few days with you, until the visitors leave. Would you very much mind that?”

The story of a young girl in trouble appealed to Masha, just as Hyacinth had predicted.

“I don’t mind you staying over with us, but we have no food to offer you. I’m very sorry,” said Masha.

“That’s fine, I brought enough for all of us here in my travelling bag,” said Hyacinth.

And so Masha let Hyacinth stay. She gave her own bed for Hyacinth to sleep in and slept with her brother herself. The first night, Hyacinth produced large pieces of chicken and mushroom pie and shared it with Masha and her brother. Masha accepted the food because Hyacinth was a guest and these were not ordinary circumstances.

On the second day, just as Masha started to get anxious about having to tell Hyacinth that she had nothing good to serve, Hyacinth produced boiled eggs and fresh rye bread out of her travelling bag. They had it for breakfast and Anna couldn’t believe how good it tasted and the pangs in her stomach were replaced with a content warm feeling.

Hyacinth kept producing fresh food from her old travelling bag for breakfast, lunch and dinner for three days in a row and Masha was getting more and more anxious. She did not like having so much luxurious food because it meant two things. First, her brother would get used to it and then she would have a really hard time getting him back on barley and water again. Second, she was becoming suspicious of Anna. Why was Anna so generous and what would she expect back from Masha and her brother? Also, she began to suspect that there was something wrong with the bag, the food and Anna, altogether.

On the fourth day, Masha has had enough.

“I don’t think your bag could have anything left in it, Anna,” said Masha and didn’t know how to tell her guest that it was time to leave.

“Oh no, this bag keeps things fresh for a very long time,” said Hyacinth. “Do you like roasted lamb?”

“Roasted lamb? But’s it’s really impossible, now! Have you been going out and refilling your bag outside somewhere? What is all this going to cost me in the end? Why are you giving us all of this food every day?” Masha finally said it.

“Going out? No, I spent all of this time here with you,” said Hyacinth. “I would never ask anything of you, Masha. I am your guest and this is only a small way I can replay your kindness. But you are quite observant, Masha. I think I might have to tell you something, I have never told anyone outside my family before. Can you keep my secret?”

“I knew something was going on here. I wish you had shared with me what was really going on from the beginning. I won’t tell anyone, but please tell me why do you all this food and from where? Who has been supplying it and what do they want from us?”

“Ok, Masha, but most people would never believe this and they would think it crazy and impossible, that is why I never share my secret. Would you believe in something very much extraordinary?”

“I don’t know, Anna. Extraordinary to me usually means that we have to end up paying it for it dearly, and it never turns out to be worth it,” said Masha and crossed her arms.

“You are right, Masha. The world is a tough place. Nothing is free and gifts can often be the most expensive in the end, but sometimes, there is a gift of kindness in the world.

“The proof of kindness existing in the world is that you know it exists inside of you. You know and feel that you have kindness in you. It may not always come out as kindness because you may need to protect yourself and your loved ones, but kindness is there, whether you act kindly or not.

“My grandfather fought in the war when he was young. It was a really bad time, I’m sure your own parents and grandparent told you how bad it was. There was hunger, there was no supply of anything available. People had to resort to very degrading ways of living to survive.

“There was one village, where everything was burned before my grandfather’s eyes. It was very fast, most people could not get out in time and perished in agony. My grandfather, as if by miracle, managed to save a woman and her baby.

“They were badly hurt and the woman told him of her mother, who lived deep in the forest by herself. He managed to get them there and the woman’s mother took care of the three of them. The woman and the baby got better and my grandfather was leaving them to go back to the war.

“The woman’s mother was very grateful to my father for saving her daughter and grandchild, and so she gifted him this travelling bag. He said it looked just as old then. It’s not a regular bag and the woman in the forest was not a regular woman.

“You see, this bag can read your wishes and when you open it, the thing that you wished for would be there. I know, it sounds like a fairytale, but this bag is the reason my grandfather survived the war and the tough times after the war, and then it passed on to my father.

“It was always a reminder and proof, that kindness exists in this world and we have access to it. We have access to help and we don’t have to suffer so much on our own. And sometimes, there can be gifts, which will not destroy you, but will only help you.

“Now, the bag passed down to me and thanks to it, I feel safe in this world. I am always provided for. I can learn how to live and not just to survive. I know it sounds like I’m lying, but do you want to try and wish for something, and see what you find in the bag for yourself?”

Masha was desperately thinking of how to get Anna the hell out of her house and was already vowing to never let anyone stay over her house ever again. Then she got an idea to prove that the bag was not magical at all and use that as a reason to tell Anna to finally go away.

“Ok,” said Masha. “I will try it, but if this bag is not what you say it is, you need to leave immediately. Do I have your word on it?”

“Yes,” said Hyacinth. “I will leave immediately if you won’t find what you wish for in this bag.”

“Fine, you asked for it,” Masha paused to think for a moment and then continued decisively. “I want to see my grandmother’s layered cream cake. Just the way she made it. I also want to see fresh raspberries and red and black currants on the cake. Not jam berries, not dry berries, but fresh! Picked today and not yesterday, not three days ago. As fresh as they can be! There, can your bag do that?”

Masha was happy that she thought of something that could never be produced. Her grandmother died a long time ago and there was no way that even Anna could know what cake she was talking about.

Hyacinth gave the bag over to Masha.

“Check and see for yourself,” said Hyacinth.

Masha weighed the bag in her hand, it felt like it was almost empty. Slowly, she began to open the bag. She didn’t really know whether she wanted the bag to be empty or not, but she opened it and looked inside.

There was a cardboard box inside. She took the box out and began to open it. The box felt cold and there was a sweet smell of cream in the air. In a daze, Masha opened the box and saw her grandmother’s cake with freshly picked raspberries and read and black currants. The cake was made exactly like her grandmother used to make it.

Masha sat there for a while, looking at the cake and then at Hyacinth. She took some cream with her finger and tried it. It was amazing. Very fresh and the taste was perfect. Tears fell down her face and she closed it with her hands and cried, while Hyacinth hugged her.

Masha let Anna stay and the two girls played with the bag a lot. They would take turns wishing for the most unexpected things and the bag always produced it. They asked for animal shaped balloons and got them. They asked for paints and paper and clay and colored paper and got them. They painted for days and made artificial flowers from the paper. They asked for real flowers and got them. They asked for ice-cream, board games, books, toys and they got them and played with them.

One day, Masha wished to see her father but she knew he was too big for the bag and he was not an object that could just appear.

“What do you want from the bag today?” asked Hyacinth.

“I don’t want anything,” said Masha.

“What’s wrong?” asked Hyacinth.

“I miss my father and my brother and my mom,” said Masha. “Your bag can’t make them appear, can it?”

“No, it can’t,” said Hyacinth. “But you can.”

“How? My mother passed away when I was a baby and my father always works far away.”

“What about your brother?” asked Hyacinth, knowing that the thought form hasn’t been around for some time.

“I don’t know where he is. I don’t know how much longer I am going to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want my family back and I want to play and go to the forest and swim in the river, like we did when we visited my grandmother in the village. I don’t know why I am in this kitchen alone.”

“You can think of your father,” said Hyacinth. “You can call him in your mind.”

“I don’t want to hope to see him and then be disappointed,” said Masha.

“I understand,” said Hyacinth. “But you will not be disappointed. Trust me and try to call him in your mind.”

Masha closed her eyes and called for her father to come back to her. She also wished that she wouldn’t be alone anymore and she asked to be taken care of.

“Masha,” said a male voice.

Masha opened her eyes and saw her father. She couldn’t believe her eyes and she felt like a golden warm fountain spread out in her chest and heart. She ran to hug her father and he lifted her off the ground, just like he always used to.

“I was wondering when you would get tired of this old kitchen,” said Masha’s father. “Don’t you know that it has been renovated and it doesn’t look this sad anymore?”

Masha looked at the kitchen and saw the modern electric heater, oven, sink and the new furniture. Somehow, she thought that she saw this in her dreams before, but now it was clear as day.

“It’s beautiful!” said Masha.

“Yes, I would have loved to cook in a kitchen like that!” said a female voice.

Masha turned around and jumped. Her mother was right there and her brother stood by her side, holding her hand.

“Mom! Dima! How is this possible?” cried Masha.

“You called us and so we came,” said Dima.

“Just like that?” asked Masha.

“Just like that!” said Masha’s mother.

The family that now lived in the house came into the kitchen to start setting up for dinner. Masha looked at them in awe and yet with a sense of familiarity.

“I have always felt these people near and their happiness” said Masha. “I did not want to see them, because I did not want to hope to not be alone and to be happy like them. I did not want to get my hopes up just be let down.”

“We know,” said Masha’s father. “Their happiness was helping you get over your fears and the pain of hunger and scarcity. You needed some time to heal and let go of all that. You are ready to move on now, Masha.”

Hyacinth no longer looked like little Anna. She was a tall woman now with long black hair and a blue dress made of many semi-transparent veils. She stood on the water of a forest river and smiled.

“Nice job returning to your own higher state, Hyacinth,” said Borgensen.

“Thank you, Borgensen, but how could I be so blind!” said Hyacinth.

“You were never blind, but just like Masha, you did not want to see something so good because you were afraid to lose it. You were Masha a long time ago and you had many lifetimes of poverty, hunger, lack and desperation. You learned to suppress you hopes and desires then, so that the pain of not having it would not be so bad. You learned not to dream, not to want, not to hope and not to create better realities for yourself.

“The hearts of many little children stayed broken inside your own heart and always reminded you of how painful it can be to want something and never receive it. To want a Christmas gift so much, never to receive it. To want a sugared apple so much that your stomach hurt and never eat it. To want a toy, a dress, a pair of shoes, a cup of freshly picked berries, and never ever get it.

“That pain and the belief that hopes and dreams never come true can be released now, Hyacinth. You need to allow yourself to hope and dream and want, so that you can heal it in others if you want to be a spirit guide for others. Allow yourself to hope and dream and want the impossible.

“It is your right and nature to create the impossible, to have and enjoy everything and anything that you could possibly imagine. Push the limits of your imagination. Push the limits of your desires. Push the limits of what you think you know, of who you think you are, Hyacinth.

“Push, and you will jump yet into another reality, like a pit of a cherry when you push hard enough on it. There are so many realities to go and explore. There are so many realities to create.

“For me, personally, I can’t wait to see the realities waiting to be born in you. I can’t wait to go exploring them, playing with them and being one with them. Are you ready, Hyacinth? Let’s go exploring. Let’s go exploring us and find the impossible. Let’s go and have fun and enjoy. I am always here with you, always fascinated with you and always believing in you.

“Now believe in your own self, Hyacinth. Believe in the kindness and the miracles within you. Believe in you.”