World renowned architect, military strategist, and international playboy Joao Lima is adding another line to his already impressive resume. The Florida Flamingos GM has opened the doors to Miami’s Ponce de Leon Stadium—which, by the way, he designed himself—to Cuban refugees escaping the chaos on their home island.

Lima’s humanitarian efforts began by hosting the displaced Havana Leones front office staff and was quickly extended to help thousands of freedom-loving Cubans escaping the brutal communist regime of septuagenarian Fidel Castro.

The Portuguese-Scottish polymath has opened not only his ballpark, but his heart and his wallet, donating millions of his own funds for the relief efforts, while challenging other UL GMs to match his donations. Far from sitting on the sidelines, the UL office has taken notice, presenting Lima with a certificate of appreciation—framed, even.

Lima has put pressure on UL owners to replace the departed Leones with a new team in the Caribbean region, focusing his efforts on Puerto Rico. Tax records uncovered by intrepid investigative reporter Stedman Pacafox reveal Lima has purchased a high-rise condo in Condado, San Juan’s upscale beachfront district, to facilitate his twice-weekly overnight visits to the island in his private jet, which he pilots himself. San Juan’s Hiram Bithorn Stadium hosted a Triple-A club from 1984 to 1991 and has had a Double-A franchise since 1994. The stadium, named after the first Puerto Rican to play in Organized Baseball, features a mid-20th century modern concrete design, highlighted by a horseshoe-shaped grandstand, an accordion-like hyperbolic parabolic roof, and a suspended press box, and is reminiscent of Lima’s own design in Miami. [Lima is also the genius behind the space-age design of Montreal's Stade Olympique.]

The United League is set to add three teams in 1999 and the first two clubs have already been awarded: to San Francisco and Portland. While the third team was widely expected to go to Texas, infighting between the Dallas and Houston factions and the lack of an adequate ownership group has put that project on hold, especially after Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot dropped out of the project to pour his private fortune into Major League Soccer.

There are 34 Puerto Rican players on UL rosters, including three of the last eight Most Valuable Players: Roberto Alomar (1990), Wil Cordero (1995), and Juan Gonzalez (1996). Add the 23 in the International League and 17 in the American Association and you get 74 Puerto Ricans total, trailing only the Dominican Republic (109) for the most foreign players in the UL system.

Lima is working with actress Rita Moreno, singer Ricky Martin, UL legend Sixto Lezcano, and the estate of Roberto Clemente to rally the community behind a Puerto Rican UL franchise, and has offered to single-handedly pony up the expansion fee and make needed renovations to bring the ballpark up to UL standards.

His efforts, and those of the community, have put San Juan at the top of the expansion list. But time is running out. With Opening Day 1999 less than six months away, the UL Board of Governors will be pressured to make a decision soon.

People new to the UL may not understand why a GM would run around in a fox costume with a guy who owns a security firm and has a vocabulary of one offensive sentence, not to mention the fact that said GM is still in the midst of engineering a coup to move MPS to Fridley.  One may say that this GM is certifiably insane, but I say “nay, nay!”.  And if he IS certifiably crazy, he’s crazy like a fox (see what I did there?  He wears a fox costume and he’s crazy like a…..ah, forget it).

As such, let’s take a look at one of MPS/Fridley GM Steve Haugh’s draft picks, namely this kid named Scott Rolen.  At that time, savvy UL observers thought that Rolen was definitely a target in the 1996 draft, and he was, with Haugh picking the 3B 4th overall.  And while that may have looked a bit too high for Rolen at the time, if one reviews how he’s performing, it could be that he was the steal of that draft.

To wit, while 1996 was used as a way to acclimate to the big leagues, in 1997, Rolen took off, posting a .304/.362/.544 and .905 OPS along with 32 HRs and 108 RBIs, for an 8.5 WAR.  Whoa Nelly!  Currently he’s throwing up a .334/.420/.654 and 1.074 OPS with 23 HRs and 84 RBIs for a 6.3 WAR.  AND his ZR is 7.5 with a 1.077 defensive efficiency.  The guy is a force at the plate and in the field, and he’s a Fan Fave to boot!

As such, anyone who doubts the man behind the fox mask should not think twice (it’s all right) but three times if the word “crazy” comes to mind when one thinks of Fridley.  Haugh will crazy you into next week, leaving your team a bloody mess.

The astute pick has also earned a well-deserved song!  Let us all get around the campfire and join together in a rousing rendition of Glove Side, a song that details Haugh’s path to picking Rolen, once he determines that there is no other 3B in the game that goes to his glove side like Scottie.  Special thanks to Frankie Laine, Ned Washington, and Dimitri Tiomkin.  Link included for the young guys who’ve likely never seen or heard of the show.

Rolen, Rolen, Rolen
Who’s this guy, Scott Rolen?
Should I draft Scott Rolen?
Glove side!

Scouting Rolen, Rolen, Rolen
Got all my parts a-swollen
Gonna draft Scott Rolen!
Glove side!

Through rain and wind and weather
I’m hell-bent for his leather
Wishing this guy was on my side

All the things I’m getting’, home runs, glove and hittin’
Are waitin’ if I get him to sign!

Double play, hit it out, hit it out, double play
Double play, hit it out glove side
Throw ‘em out, drive ‘em in, drive ‘em in, throw ‘em out
Throw ‘em out drive ‘em in glove side

I got Rolen, Rolen, Rolen!
And Gryka I’ll keep trollin’
Cause Jeter sure ain’t Rolen!
Glove side!

Don’t try to hit it past him
He’ll snag and throw and nail ‘em
He catches ground balls far and wide!

I’m now calculating; Scott’s range is captivating
Jeter missing balls on either side!