Circuit Clouts
Home of United League • Purveyors of Fine  Fake Baseball Since 2003*

The league's best rotation backed by the premier closer: such is the recipe for the West-leading Chicago Colts. GM Steve Haugh's charges have allowed just 3.2 runs per game, and all five starters have ERAs under 3.12. Melido Perez (6-4, 3.11) is a Rookie of the Year candidate, Jamie Moyer, Terry Mulholland, and Erik Hanson are in the top 10 in ERA, and Rob Dibble's 16 saves leads the circuit.

The Colts are 7-0 on Fridays, and won recent series against Washington and St. Louis. The 1-3 hitters are all batting over .300 and Ivan Calderon's 8 homers and 38 RBIs leads the team. 

Heading into the UL’s second decade, the Brooklyn Superbas were at the midpoint of their eight-year run as East Division champions. From 1961-64, the Screaming Bats won an average of 107 games per year (with a 154-game schedule), and won the East by an average of 20 games. Only in 1964 did another team come within 15 games of the Bas. Brooklyn added two more pennants in 1966 and 1969, bringing their decade haul to six pennants.

Meanwhile, in the West Division, Lance Mueller's Chicago Colts were entering their glory years. The Ponies claimed six straight division pennants from 1961-66 and added a seventh in 1970. Counting division pennants alone, the Colts have the advantage over the Superbas, 7-6. However, in their five World Series meetings, the Screaming Bats swept the board, winning all five series, including the first four by an identical 4-1 tally. Lew Burdette and Gene Conley were the heroes of those series, each winning World Series MVP twice.

Those World Series triumphs give Brooklyn an insurmountable advantage for Team of the Decade when it comes to the Franchise Power Index, while Chicago garners an easy second place. In fact, the two clubs were so dominant that they stood out like Twin Towers in the UL skyline, or perhaps Lennon and McCartney, or Lenin and Marx, if you will. Chicago won just one title in the decade, 1965’s seven-game victory over Cleveland. The Barons were the only other team in the decade to make it to two World Series, but they also lost the 1967 Fall Classic.

The league added two new teams in 1962. The Dallas Texans were an instant success, winning 97 games their first season before settling into two decades of mediocrity, including a relocation. The Manhattan Gray Sox had six losing seasons, but then won the World Series in 1968.

A unique feature of this era was the Founder’s Cup, a midseason tournament with a group stage and single-elimination knockout stage that ran from 1962 to 1971. The Detroit Griffins and Dallas Texans were the only clubs to lift the Cup twice.

Atlanta, Manhattan, St. Louis, and Washington each won UL titles to close out the decade. The Hilltoppers, who relocated from Louisville ahead of the 1965 season, grab third place by a photo finish because of three third-place finishes.

[Waffle House: San Francisco Spiders. The Spiders averaged 90 losses per year, had just one winning season, finished no higher than sixth overall, and lost their only Founder’s Cup final at home in 1970.]

TEAMS OF THE DECADE, 1951-1960
32.2 - Brooklyn Superbas
22.4 - Chicago Colts
  7.4 - Atlanta Hilltoppers (Louisville Colonels)

Trades.  Some go under the radar.  Others set off alarm bells.  Trade #896 between WAS and ATL was one that left many a UL observer wondering what ATL GM Andy “Not to be confused with Lon” Chaney’s motivation was to pull the deal.

From a baseball perspective, WAS gained a power hitting 1B in Horner, a player that could easily push WAS over the top and result in the Mons winning another World Series.  ATL picked up Carlos Diaz, a whiny brat but a great reliever, and a cool $4M to pump up the Toppers’ coffers.  But it’s what’s beneath the surface that may be most interesting.

As your favorite beat reporter was entering his office late last week, he stopped to check his mail.  And what a haul the mail turned out to be that morning!  A package received from an anonymous source elicited “Whoa, Nelly!” from my lips.  Pray tell, what exactly could have been so exciting and earth-shattering that it would call out my best Keith Jackson imitation?

Would you believe a copy of Bob Horner’s contract?  That, in and of itself, isn’t that exciting.  But included was a rider added by the Hilltopper organization.  Apparently Bobby, who entered the League at a svelte 210, has been frequenting fine eating establishments all too frequently, resulting in his weight becoming a problem.  Tipping the scales at 220 when he reported to Spring Training this year, the extra weight – and Horner’s inability to keep it off – were apparently enough to jolt Chaney into action and make the trade.

The Hilltoppers’ rider made it clear that Bobby was supposed to be on a high protein, fat free diet, mandated chicken as his pre-game meal, and forbid attending strip clubs unless he got on stage and danced with the girls (dude wasn’t exactly training much apparently).  Clandestine photos of Horner coming out of a Waffle House (also expressly forbidden) were included, so it seems that GM Chaney’s fears about Horner were justified about him eating anything that wasn’t chained down.

But does this mean all is lost for WAS GM Mark Waller?  Not necessarily.  Waller, fresh off his cover up of Winfield’s bum knee, believes he has the team for Horner.  “Without Diaz, we are certain Horner will find a home in DC on a team that has great chemistry.  To wit, Boggs and Bobby have already struck up a great friendship, and Wade is helping with dinner tips and recipes.  We are convinced Horner will be instrumental in our run for the title in 1990.”

Questions still abound though.  Will Horner regain control of his waistline?  Will he help WAS recapture the crown?  Will Diaz poison ATL’s clubhouse?  We may know by the All Star Game, so stay tuned as the situation develops.

Great songs are not just for a UL podcast!  Let’s take a look at how the 1990 season is shaping up with the help of song!  Does it get any better?  Listen, my children, so you can hear of GM Mueller’s draft astuteness, Chicago Steve’s burgeoning juggernaut, GM Vays’ trade acumen, GMs Qualls and Holloway’s love of pitching, and how WAS GM Waller manages to field a top-notch team AND be the leading provider of accounting services to the largest pot sellers on the East Coast.

NOTE:  to truly have a magical experience, listen to the actual song and follow along.  Your beat reporter is working Saturdays and ordering in to ensure the laughs keep flowing.  Errr… okay, since most of my stuff is not ready for prime time and may not generate laughs, I’ll say “ensure the attempted goofs keep flowing”.  Rumors abound that a video is filming, with Holloway on lead and Glen, Charlie, Lance and The Commish dancing back-up just as was done in the original video.  And yes, Hammer pants will be worn……and yes, it’s very likely that one of us suffers a devastating dance-related career ending injury during filming.

You can't touch this! X 4

Kal, Kal, Kal, Kal
Daniels hits so hard
Makes me say "Oh, my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind so fine my picks are feats!"

It feels good with Mueller around
A super dope homeboy from Chico town
And he’s known as such
And his draft acumen, uh, you can't touch

Spiers at four – near Tram
You gotta like that
Try to hit a ball past
So, move outta your seat
Al Belle’s in the box
Gonna hit it to the street
Ball’s still rolling

Han-son
Dibble in the pen, John Kruk and Calderon
Benito and Lance
Colts on a mission, better watch your back
Haugh knows that he’s too much
And this is a team, uh, you can't touch

Give me a stud or spec
Taking back debt, or the scrubs I got left
Now, you know
I’ll crush you like a hammer
If you’re dealin’ way too slow
Deal’s hyped and tight                                                
Bookies are bettin’
On LA’s recent heist - again
No sin
Doin’ what it takes in the 90s to win
The offer’s legit!
Give me a third or you might as well quit!

"Go with the flow", Charlie said
“If you can't bash them in, then strike ‘em out instead”
So, put some gunk in your hair
Make a few cuts
Run your fingers through your hair

You do this – to be a winner
Cheatin’s fine don’t think that you’re a sinner
Now move, hide that junk
Keep it out of sight and away from the umps
(Umps, umps, umps - yeah)

Every time you see him
Mark Waller’s just so hype
His dope’s on the floor
Yet his lineup’s still so tight

Now, why would he ever
Stop growing it?
Opponents facing pitchers
They just can't hit

He toured around our world
From DC to The Bay
It's "Waller! Yo, Waller! Mark Waller! Yo, Waller!"
“No one smokes until they pay!
U Can't Touch This"

Bonus: A Brief History of M.C. Hammer's Pants