Circuit Clouts
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What do you give a four-time batting champ with three .400 seasons? They are so hard to shop for... How about an All-Star Game MVP? That was the gift presented to Atlanta's Tony Gwynn after leading the West Division to a 3-0 win in the 27th UL All-Star Game in Havana.

In the first Midsummer Classic held outside the United States (not counting the 1980 game in Montreal), Gwynn hit 2-for-3, including a leadoff homer off Dwight Gooden that set the tone for the night. The West scored in each of the first three innings—scoring on Gooden, Saberhagen, and Clemens—while holding the East scoreless behind perfect innings by Bruce Hurst (LA), Ed Whitson (STL), Jose Nunez (CHI), Lee Smith (CHI), and Dave Beard (LA).

Gooden was the hardest pitcher in the league to homer off of in 1989, allowing just six in 270 innings for a 0.2 HR%. Gwynn meanwhile, has just 99 career home runs in 4709 at-bats, for a HR% of 2.1. All of which is to say Gwynn homering off Gooden in the All-Star Game is one of the rarest events imaginable.

In the bottom of the second, Chicago's Bill Spiers bunted for a hit with one out and later scored on Alan Trammell's single. In the third, St. Louis' Tony Phillips homered off of Boston's Roger Clemens for a 3-0 lead. The East pitchers then went into shutdown mode, with Chris Bosio (MON), Paul Assenmacher (WAS), and Dan Plesac (CLE) each contributing 1-2-3 innings.

Gwynn,  Trammell, and Spiers had a pair of hits each for the West, and 37-year-old catcher Darrell Porter provided one of the game's highlights with  a stolen base in the third inning (for context, Porter has just  17 stolen bases since the end of World War III.) The East only had four hits on the night, with Robin Yount providing the only double.

The West win ends a 1-3 skid and gives the division a 16-11 lead in the all-time series.

July was a pitching month for the ages, with a perfect games, another no-hitter, and two one-hitters. Havana's Mark Langston pitched a perfecto against the Montreal Voyageuers on July 14, striking out 11. Eleven days later, on July 25, San Francisco's Walt Terrell pitched a no-no against Denver, coming just a Brook Jacoby walk and Barry Larkin error away from a perfect game. That same day, LA's Floyd Youmans tossed a one-hit shutout of the Atlanta Hilltoppers. Four days later, on the 29th, Toronto's Brian Holman one-hit the Brooklyn Superbas on the road.

Terrell is the sixth San Francisco Spider to pitch a no-hitter, following Hal Brown (1955), Jim Maloney (1964), Dick Bosman (1969), Bob Moose (1972), and Jose Rijo (1987). After just two perfect games in the league's first 33 seasons, there have been four in the last seven, including Jamie Moyer's no-hitter on Aug. 13, 1988.

Also, on the Fourth of July, Detroit's Fred McGriff hit the season's first home run hat trick.

Unlike the league’s first three decades, the UL ‘80s featured more parity, with three teams
jostling for dominance. Los Angeles and Detroit were the early giants, with two World Series titles and four World Series appearances between 1981 and 1986. But in the decade's final third, the St. Louis Maroons equalled those numbers, setting up a decisive final year in 1990 to determine the Team of the Decade.

The league added four new teams in the decade, Havana and Toronto in 1984 and Keystone and Florida in 1990. Toronto made the playoffs in 1988 and the World Series in 1989, their sixth season.

L.A. had one President’s Trophy, four 2nd place finishes and a remarkable nine straight appearances in the Semi Series from 1981-89. Detroit grabbed three President’s Trophies, but was knocked out the Hex Series three times in a row from 1986-88 and missed the playoffs altogether in 1989. After a slow start to the decade, the Maroons made the playoffs seven years in a row, with gradual but inexorable improvement, from Semi Series exits in ‘83, ‘84, and ‘86 to World Series losses in ‘85 and ‘87 and finally a pair of World Series wins in ‘88 and ‘89.

The three teams are so close that if any of them wins the 1990 World Series, they will top the index and claim Team of the Decade. Otherwise, the title will come down to positional finishes and playoff runs.

TEAMS OF THE DECADE, 1981-1990?
22.5 - Los Angeles Outlaws
21.0 - Detroit Griffins
20.0 - St. Louis Maroons

[Waffle House: Cleveland Barons. Though the Denver 14ers also had zero index points, as of 1989, the Barons take the waffle with a .453 winning percentage, six losing seasons, and five straight finishes at 11th or below from 1985-89. Denver is runner-up, saved by winning seasons in 1988 and 1989. San Francisco had the decade’s worst winning percentage (.446), but managed a playoff appearance in 1986 in the midst of four 90-loss seasons.]

With the 1990 UL Trade Deadline nigh upon us, a flurry of deals has occurred, some of which
may make or break the season for teams such as STL, TOR, WAS, LA and CHI. Of the players
moving, likely the most unexpected guy leaving on a jet plane and the one deal no one saw
coming was the move that involved MAN’s 2B extraordinaire, Ryne Sandberg. And with Ryno
now in DC, one has to think that WAS has greatly improved its chances to win the World Series.

Come now, though, and let us commiserate with STL GM Glen Reed, who missed out on the
trading frenzy for Ryno because he was involved in a mean game of pickleball and told
everyone not to bother him. Imagine, if you will, the below song from Glen’s perspective on
how he lost the chance to get Ryno, and how he has run through a gamut of emotions
imagining what could have been – and imagining so strongly that he misses Ryno’s defense
despite never even having him on his team!

Remember the deals relevant to Reed’s suffering:
• Washington sends OF Glenallen Hill, 2B Johnny Ray and WAS 1992 2nd rounder for
MAN’s 2B Ryne Sandberg.

• Manhattan sends C Gary Carter for STL’s C Milt May, RP Willie Hernandez and STL 1992
2nd rounder.

During the song, Reed is also desperately attempting to sort out how he lost his pickleball
match while simultaneously worrying about recently acquired Gary Carter’s offensive
production and lamenting that he could have given more to MAN than the likes of Willie
Hernandez (see the lyrics in the parentheses for both concerns!) had he known of Ryno’s
availability. Finally, at the end of our song, Reed, our brave protagonist, accepts that no one
could have seen Ryno being dealt, and he forgives himself. Brilliant! Man, I think I’m going to
teach a couple of graduate classes “Circuit Clouts Composition 901” and “Channeling Weird Al
974”! This is epic Greek tragedy level stuff! Rumors are running wild that Kurosawa will
commit the below song describing Reed’s tragedy to film in the near future. If you think Ran
was something, just wait.

As an aside, I really love Isaak. When I was in undergrad, this guy’s songs would melt all the
young coeds into puddles of desire. Granted he is one FINE-looking man in addition to a great
songwriter with the voice of an angel. Didn’t stop all us dumb young boys from trying to be the
ones *near* the girls when they started melting in the hopes they’d confuse us with Isaak. And
holy Helena Christensen in the video… remember to always follow along with the real song for
maximum enjoyment!

[editor's note: Chris Isaak shares something in common with Von Hayes and Mike Macfarlane: they were all born in Stockton, California!]

Wicked Game (Chris Isaak)

The West is on fire, and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish GMs do
I ever dreamed that he’d trade somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna miss your glove (His bat is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna miss your glove (His bat is only gonna break your heart)
In two (His bat is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked deal you made; Mark offered Johnny Ray
Glenallen Hill will do; I’d have sent more to you!
A pickleball game away; now I trade Milt Fuckin’ May!
And a 2nd rounder, too?; I’d have made your dreams come true!

And I don't wanna miss his glove (Willie’s OK, but he’ll never start)
No, I don't wanna miss his glove (Willie’s, OK but he’ll never start)
For you

Her serve was on fire; this pickleball match just blew
Strange what a threepeat will make foolish GMs do
I never dreamed that I'd miss somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose to immobile gal, too!

No, I don't wanna miss his glove (His bat is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna miss his glove (His bat is only gonna break your heart)
In two (Willie’s OK, but he’ll never start)

No, I (this deal has gone and truly broke my heart)
(This deal has gone and truly broke my heart)
Nobody saw this one……