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Saturday 3:30pm
Breaking News!

Fracas at a Furry Club!

by Sean Holloway and Steve Haugh

A good reporter always tunes in to the police scanner, and boy do we have a wild story for UL fans. The scanner is on fire with multiple officers discussing 911 calls and an apparent dust-up at a furry club in downtown Chicago. Although no one has been identified, the use of the nicknames “Big Dick” and “That Colts Asshole” lead me to believe this incident involves a prominent local politician and a controversial Chicago sports figure. Stay tuned for more updates throughout the day, as this is a developing story!


Saturday 4:00pm
Breaking News!

Furry Fugitive Escapes!

by Sean Holloway and Steve Haugh

Police were called to Club Fursona, an exclusive nightspot in Old Town catering to patrons that exhibit an extreme interest in anthropomorphic animals, at 2AM after reports of a brawl, and the situation rapidly escalated into a full-blown police manhunt which at this time is still ongoing. A suspect wearing a horse costume fled the scene through the back door, and he was able somehow to evade pursuing officers and disappear into the surrounding neighborhood. Meanwhile, five black SUVs also arrived at the club shortly after the police, and at least a dozen men wearing sunglasses and dark suits were seen guarding the club entrances until another man, also dressed in a horse costume, was led to the nearest SUV, at which point the convoy departed. Truly a strange night, even by Chicago standards…


Saturday 5:00pm
Breaking News!

Fursona Non Grata?

by Sean Holloway and Steve Haugh

More now on that early-morning disturbance at Club Fursona, which has triggered a massive police search in Old Town and surrounding neighborhoods for a suspect who appears to have been involved in an altercation inside the club. We now have a statement from an eyewitness to the altercation, retired area restauranteur Milt Gryka:

“I came by the club to pick up my nephew Bryan, but he had already left so I headed for the door. I noticed a couple of men dressed as horses who seemed to be arguing, as each tugged on an arm of a woman in some kind of grassy costume. The Clydesdale shoved the one wearing a suit and tie, as the woman scurried out of range, and then each threw a couple of wild punches which were totally ineffective, I don’t think they could see too well from inside their masks. Then the guy in the suit spun around and did sort of the start of a cartwheel almost, with his hands on the floor, and he kicked both feet into the crotch of the Clydesdale, who fell backwards and hit his head on a nearby table as he fell. Three men suddenly emerged from the shadows and converged on the fallen man, all of them wearing sunglasses and black suits, one of them speaking into his lapel as he knelt by the unconscious man. A fourth man, dressed the same way, tried to tackle the other horse, but the horse hit him with an empty bottle before running for the back exit. By this time, they had pulled the mask off of the injured man, who appeared to be coming around already, and I’ll be goddamned if it wasn’t Ole Big Dick himself, Mayor Daley!”

(Editor’s Note: At this time, the identity of the injured man has NOT been confirmed.) 


Saturday 6:00pm
Breaking News!

The Chase Continues! And Has the Furlong-loving Furry Been Identified?

by Sean Holloway and Steve Haugh

As of this very minute, police are still pursuing the alleged assailant responsible for the assault at Club Fursona. After reaching out to my underground sources, speculation has arisen (thanks to a healthy dose of EET) that the man at the heart of this matter is none other than Colts GM “Chicago” Steve Haugh being sought. Apparently Haugh has been seen by several of my sources at other furry clubs in the Greater Chicago area. Combine this with the fact that, by listening to police scanners, I’ve been able to learn that the suspect left at Club Fursona a bag containing a Colts hat, a lineup card for the Colts’ next game, and an envelope containing EET mysteriously addressed to “Smiley Horowitz”. While all this sounds extremely damning, we still do not have an official ID just yet.

What may be more significant than the identity of the suspect, though, could be determining the potential damage this scandal might have on the UL and the Colts’ organization. The Colts have become one of the premier teams in the UL, with the ability to draw massive crowds wherever they play. I, for one, do not care if the GM dresses up in a horse costume, but many fans may find this a bit odd. And what of the players? Well, at the moment, the Colts aren’t exactly lapping the field, so if one thinks about this, maybe the best thing is if some of the Colts starters begin wearing costumes. Hell, there could be a furry night at the ballpark! That may bring in an entirely new niche in the market!

Ahem. We will continue to report on this situation as it develops.

Saturday 8:00pm
Breaking News!

Chicago Police Superintendent and Mayor Richard Daley’s Office Release Statements as Chase is Abandoned

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

What a long, strange trip it’s been! But for now, anyway, it appears that the pursuit of the horse with no name, running from police down I-90 for the last 9 hours has come to an end. As he crossed the border into Indiana, the convoy of pursuing Chicago Police cars abandoned the chase and pulled off I-90 in search of coffee. We now have the following statements, first from Chicago Police Superintendent Matt Rodriguez:

“Good evening. The Chicago Police officers valiantly following the suspect wanted for questioning in the Club Fursona attack investigation were ordered to stand down as the suspect reached the Indiana border. I know many people have been asking how 16 police cruisers were not able to apprehend the suspect as he ran, and eventually limped, down the middle of a busy interstate highway, but believe me, it was not a failure on their part. Rather, we were unable to negotiate a special exemption with the Fraternal Order of Police to allow the pursuing officers to be temporarily deputized once they left Chicago city limits. The union was demanding that the officers involved in the chase be paid an additional entire year’s salary for performing the arrest in another municipality, which was clearly unacceptable. As for the suspect, we hope Indiana wants him because Lord, he can’t come back here.”

And here is a statement from the office of Mayor Richard M. Daley:

“Irresponsible press speculation to the contrary, the Honorable Mayor Richard M. Daley was in no way involved in the early-morning altercation under investigation. The Mayor is reserving all legal options available to him at this time in order to protect his name and reputation from these groundless speculations, and any further attempts to tie His Honor to the crime will be a legal matter from now on.”


Sunday 10:00am
Has the Furry Fled For Friendlier Fields?

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

Whew! What a day we had yesterday! A dust-up at a furry fandango in Chicago has left Mayor Daley’s office doing damage control, and we still have no confirmation whether or not the furry fugitive is Colts GM Steve Haugh and, if so, what impact this scandal will have on the Colts organization and the UL as a whole.

And more to the point, if it IS Haugh, where the hell is he? He hasn’t been home, or been seen at the stadium, and the local strip clubs report no sightings either. Where, oh where, has our little pony fled to? It’s a 24-carrot mystery! Perhaps he’s simply grazing the green, green grass of Gary… 


Sunday 12:00pm
Breaking News!

Take a Letter, Maria! Address It to Sean H!

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

I’ve just received a letter from Colts GM Steve Haugh! While it was sent by messenger and without a return address, we may be able take this as a tenuous proof-of-life. The letter reads:

“I can tell you categorically that I, Steve Haugh, did not visit, nor have I ever visited, the club in question, and furthermore I have absolutely no interest in that sort of thing. Q.E.D., I was also therefore not involved in any altercation which may have occurred yesterday. That is all, turn the damn thing off.”

Strong words, indeed! But fear not, my readers! I will not sit back and let this letter allegedly from the Colts GM be our only comment on the matter from the man himself. I will turn over every rock in the seedy underbelly of the UL to find Haugh and get an exclusive interview with him. Stay tuned!


Sunday 2:00pm
Breaking News!

Haugh Now Found, Wow!

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

Don’t go anywhere, folks! In a couple of hours, live from Gary, Indiana, I will be interviewing Colts GM Steve Haugh. I promised I’d get to the bottom of this, and Gary is the perfect location to do just that! 


Sunday 4:00pm
Breaking News!

Colt Comfort - An Exclusive Sit-Down With Steve Haugh!

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

Holloway

We’re happy to be here with the elusive Chicago Colts GM, Steve Haugh! He’s joined by his close colleague and friend Johnny Cochran, who I’m assured is not on legal retainer currently. You’re a very hard man to find these days, Steve.

Haugh

I’ve been right here the entire time, Shane. (Cochran leans in and whispers in his ear). This entire time, since late last week. Right here. (loud rattling noise as Haugh shifts feet in ice bucket)

Holloway

That’s great, but my name is actually spelled S-e-a-n.

Haugh

That’s what I said: Shaaaaaaaaaaay-n. (long pause).  What?

Holloway

That’s not --

Haugh

Look, it’s a free country, apparently, and  you can call yourself whatever you want --- but I think if you did some research, you’d find that in the old country, your name is pronounced with a long “A”.

Holloway

So you’re from Ireland?

Haugh

What kind of a crack is that? Who told you that?

Holloway

Let’s move on. The Colts seem to be struggling quite a bit in the first half of the season, coming off their championship run last year. What are your thoughts about the current state of the team?

Haugh

It's kind of like in Planet of the Apes, you know the scene at the beginning where Chuck Heston wakes up and discovers the lady astronaut's mummified body? I walk in the clubhouse and look around, and it's like I'm looking at that, times 25.

(chuckles) Ol' Chuck though, he does ok for himself on that planet... when he hooks up with that sexy chimp scientist, that... (long, awkward pause)

Holloway

That what?

Haugh

(grinning and nodding enthusiastically): Exactly.

Holloway

There have been reports of growing dissension in the Colts clubhouse, with some frankly alarming quotes being attributed to key players who seem to be openly questioning your leadership style and motivational tactics.

Haugh

(long pause) That Planet of the Apes reboot that everyone was talking about 10 or 15 years ago? What a joke. Totally unrealistic costumes, they should have just kept the 1960s vibe going.

Holloway

Okay, noted. But I was actually asking about your team, the Colts, and the current turmoil that seems to be spilling out of the clubhouse and straight to the media.

Haugh

Which is why I don’t go into the clubhouse anymore unless it’s empty. I think of our clubhouse as sort of a womb, with 25 different embryos fighting it out to see who is the strongest. The guy who eats the others? THAT’S the player I want to talk to, not these other guys. (Cochran leans in and whispers urgently into Haugh’s ear)

Holloway

That is… that is genuinely disturbing, on any number of levels.

Haugh

Oh Shane… can I still call you Shane? Don’t you recognize a joke when you hear one? Lighten up, Sandy! (throws an ice cube in Sean’s direction)

Holloway

Do you have any concerns about losing fan support during this rough patch the team is going through? Any plans for winning back fans who may be losing interest in the team?

Haugh

Glad you asked! Here's a bit of an exclusive for you to share with your millions of readers, Shane (chuckles). We're just finalizing the deal and signing the paperwork, but we're going to have a post-game concert in early August with one of my favorite bands of all time, John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band!

(Awkward pause)

Holloway

It's paint.

Haugh

Sorry?

Holloway

Beaver brown. It's a shade of paint. That's what the band named themselves after.

Haugh

(shaking head vigorously): No, no, no ---

(pauses, looks over at Cochran and makes a throat-cutting gesture; Cochran nods and pulls out his phone)

Holloway

We seem to be in the midst of an epidemic of sporting and sports-related violence lately; visiting NFL fans being beaten, the Nancy Kerrigan incident, now this incident in Chicago…

Haugh

(Interrupts) Whoa, don't get me started on Nancy Kerrigan! Those teeth, that mane... I'd like to feed her an apple, know what I mean? (Cochran throws up his arms, then begins banging his forehead on the table) OK Shane, Johnny is telling me I need to wrap things up here.

Holloway

Just one last question. Let’s address the real horse in the room here…..

Haugh

I see what you’re trying to do there, and I know where you’re headed. Look, let’s say I did allegedly kick Mayor Daley in the balls; do you think I would’ve stopped there after the way he beat up all those kids in ‘68? The MC5, man——

(Cochran has lunged from his seat, pulling Haugh’s necktie so tightly that he is cut off mid-sentence; he whispers furiously in his ear for almost 30 seconds before resuming his seat.)

I just want to clarify once again, I was in no way involved in this incident, and—— wait, they elected A SECOND ONE?

Shane! Where are you going? Don’t walk out! Shane, come back!


Sunday 7:00pm
What is Happening NOW, For God’s Sake?

That is a Very Good Question, Dear Reader!

By Sean “He’s the same guy as the Griffins GM!” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter

Wow! This reporter has never seen anything quite like what we recently witnessed. Furries! A chase scene better than the French Connection! Sex! Violence! Dickie Thon! Can a news story like this get any better? Read on to see!

If you remember from my article “Furry Fun in Frisco”, there were allegations that Colts GM and U2 fan Steve “Who’s Gonna Ride My Wild Horsie?” Haugh may have been involved in a similar altercation at a Furry frolic in San Francisco during the offseason. While nothing was ever proven, recent events in Chicago have once again opened the same barn door of speculation and forced Colts Owner Bob Vest to call a press conference, presumably in order to address the recent erratic (and/or thwarted erotic) behavior of Haugh, and possibly to announce his fate in Chicago.

We’re just now arriving at the entrance to Colts headquarters, and we’re being regaled by a group of young children in front of the building, chanting “HAUGH NOW BROWN COW!” and holding up Elmer's Glue signs.

Eight months ago, he was dining with Oprah and Phil Donahue, but now even small children seem to hate the man's guts! It may be time for the stewards to bring the big white tent out onto the track for Haugh's immediate job prospects..

Let’s recap what we know, and only insinuate whatever we don’t, while we wait for Vest and Haugh to take the stage.

More details have emerged overnight, including a curious detail regarding GM Haugh’s vehicle, a white Ford Bronco found the next morning at a strip club a few miles from Club Fursona. While at first glance it looked like either a strange coincidence, or else circumstantial evidence that it was not in fact Haugh cantering all the way to Indiana when he could have ridden in sweet, high style instead, police now report that there was a note inside which firmly points the finger of suspicion back at the Colts GM:

“Hey! Thanks for letting us use the vehicle! The furry stuff wasn’t for us; too many things to take off. We went to see the girlies dance!” Signed Tom Grieve and Gang.

More details too have emerged from other witnesses inside the club. Apparently, the suspect was observed by several different witnesses ingesting copious amounts of EET, with one woman (a platypus, if you must know) claiming the suspect was both swallowing handfuls and snorting as much as possible. This may well explain the incredible endurance shown by the suspect during his gallop to freedom.

The incident apparently began when the suspect approached a gorgeous redhead dressed as grass, possibly sustenance for her partner, who was clad in a magnificent Clydesdale costume. The suspect was overheard to say to the woman, “Can I plow your field?” to which the Clydesdale took great umbrage, launching several nasty epithets the suspect’s way before mocking the suspect’s sad combo of a horse head mask and suit. Things, as they say, went downhill rapidly.

It looks like we’re ready to begin, so…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?

Sunday 8:00pm
What Just Happened?

Holloway Hobbled By Vulpes Vulpes at Presser, Haugh Heaved From Colts Post in Latest Horsey Hullabaloo

By Sean “He’s the same guy as the Griffins GM!” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter

Just as Colts owner Bob Vest took the stage, alone, there was a blur of orange movement to my left and audible gasps, and the next thing I knew a terrifying, man-sized fox had leapt upon me! After pushing me to the ground and ruining my skating leotard – did I mention that I have recently begun dressing in Nancy Kerrigan’s exclusive line of figure skating couture in order to show my love and support for her? – he pulled a police baton out from somewhere in his costume (thankfully I did not see exactly where), and kneecapped me! Taking advantage of the shock and pandemonium, he then fleetly scampered through the nearest exit, hopefully never to be seen again.

As I writhed on the ground, my moans of WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY nearly drowned out the voice of the Colts owner, who simply said. “Haugh is terminnnneiiiiiiighhhhted, effective immediately!” before storming off the stage. Even through my miasma of pain, I still remember being mystified by his strange pronunciation of the word.

I write this update from my hospital bed, and believe me when I say that I am seriously considering whether this will be my final beat report. Staring into those pitiless fox eyes has led me to a dark place from which I may not ever escape.

Kidding! (giggles hysterically, then stifles a sob)  


Tuesday 12:00pm
Breaking News!

Colts GM Clears the Air!

by Sean “Steady On” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter and Griffins GM

Folks, we finally may get a resolution to the Chicago Colts situation!  Let's listen in on Chicago Steve Haugh's presser that he quickly called.

"Good morning to everyone except Shane over there. Yeah, I can see you hiding. I have a statement to read.

It is a great honor to be here today in this historic old stadium, in the wonderful Sanctuary City of San Francisco… (cinder block falls onto stage, barely missing the podium)

… to announce that, effective today, I have been hired as the GM of the San Francisco Spiders. I’m really looking forward to rolling up my sleeves – all six of them! Not eight, because then I’d have no LEGS! (laughs heartily, then realizes no one else is laughing and trails off awkwardly). Rolling up my sleeves and getting to work! I’m looking forward to meeting some of the players… errr, all of the players, and the wonderful coaching staff and front office team, the stadium workers, the mascot… who have all done so much to make this team a UL legend. There are brighter days ahead for the city of San Francisco, and I’m looking forward to making that happen for you! (Raises his arms triumphantly, then when there is no applause, he instead reaches for a rusty exposed pipe and strokes it paternally.)"

Wait!  A move to SF?!!  What does this mean for the Spiders?  More importantly, what does this mean for the Colts?  Who will they run to when it all falls down?  Who's gonna pick your world up off of the ground?  Can Haugh work wonders in the wild West?  And what will CHI do without their WS-winning GM?  Who will take over the team?  Stay tuned, as this story is STILL developing and growing larger by the day (this article sponsored by EET - if you're not growing larger, you're not growing).


Wednesday 12:00pm
Breaking News!
The Spiders’ Strata-GM

Haugh Tries Yet Again to "Outfox" the Media; Holloway Finally Succeeds in

Making a Film Reference So Obscure As To Be Meaningless

By Sean “He’s the same guy as the Griffins GM!” Holloway, UL Beat Reporter
While the rest of the sports media world rushed like lemmings to cover yesterday’s Gary Gilmores game, bewildering and frightening the 60 people in attendance, this reporter knew enough to never take my eye off the ball (or in this case, the hotel entrance of the Gary Holiday Inn), and I was able to pursue disgraced former Colt jefe Steve Haugh to the Trailways bus depot at the edge of town as he attempted his getaway. It seemed bizarre at the time that a major sports celebrity, no matter how disgraced and/or depraved, would be travelling by Trailways Super Thru Liner, but now that we know his destination was the headquarters of the cash-strapped San Francisco Spiders, the bus ticket makes sense. I was able to fire one question at Haugh (from a safe distance) as he queued to board the bus:

Holloway

"Any reaction to the announcement that SS Alan Trammell will be taking over as the Colts player-manager until a new GM is hired?

Haugh

"Well, he certainly got a head start on growing his manager's ass in the first half of the season, so he's a perfect choice!  Foxy outfit by the way, Shane!  Are those sequins or rhinestones?

And with that, he was gone. I thought about purchasing my own ticket to continue the conversation, but the thought of being trapped on a moving vehicle with that maniac was frankly more than my PTSD would allow.  And for those that want to know, they are rhinestones.  Only the best for Nancy.....

Meanwhile, reactions to the shocking developments of the last five days have been pouring in from around the league. The consensus seems to be… (shuffles through notebook, looking for quotes) I thought I had something here… let me just… huh. I could’ve sworn I heard some reactions. Oh wait, here’s one!  Griffins GM Sean Holloway had this to say: “If there’s any justice in the world that guy will end up as a topping on a Chicago deep-dish pizza! You'd have to have an owner who was out of his damn mind to hire that guy again!”

Oh wait, that quote was from me.

Luckily, the Colts clubhouse was a much richer vein of salacious gossip, as the players finally felt safe enough to discuss the reign (and occasionally, reins) of terror that the ex-GM imposed upon them.

Journeyman Tom Herr, pressed into service this season after injuries decimated the infield depth chart, said "I was getting ready to pinch hit a while back, game on the line, and he says, 'I've been meaning to tell you, Herr, the only reason I called you up from KC was so that I could see your perm up close.' Three strikes, game over. I head back towards the dugout and I see him in there, laughing his ass off."

"He made me wear a pig nose in practice every day because I'd come in last every time we had a 60-yard dash competition," said Dan Wilson. "I'm a goddamn catcher!"

"He used to call me 'Jeff-M-inate' during mound visits, which I did not appreciate," shared Jeff M. Robinson.

"Don't you even look at me, Holloway, I ain't saying shit! (sudden change to pleasant tone) Unless you're trying to trade for me, that is." said the ever-enigmatic Albert Belle.

Catcher Benito Santiago said, "I'd like to be charitable and say that he went off the rails because he couldn't handle the success and the sudden celebrity status, but to be honest he was already kind of a cabeza de mierda, know what I mean?" Luis Alicea laughed and said, "we started calling him 'Gilipollas' during Spring Training, and when he asked what it means I said 'wise one' -- and after that he would grin at me every time we called him that."

That really seems to be the question that will linger, long after this whole episode is concluded. What words will be etched in GM Steve Haugh’s tombstone: Cabeza de Mierda? Or Gilipollas?