Circuit Clouts
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With eight games to go, part of the playoff picture is in clear focus, but part is entirely up in the air.

The days of a half dozen teams clustered within a few games of first are long gone, thanks to the late surges of Washington and St. Louis, which finds the Gulf Division powerhouses battling for the President's Trophy, with loser likely to settle for the #5 seed with the second best record. Both the Monuments and Maroons are 32-14 since Aug. 1, and only Toronto is within five games of them.

So 1 and 5 are still up for grabs, but between two teams. Meanwhile, Toronto leads the Lakes by six and Manhattan leads the Atlantic by seven—and Toronto is nine games ahead of Manhattan. So you can safely pencil in—scratch that—pen in Toronto at #3 and Manhattan at #4.

The race for the sixth and final playoff spot, as always, is coming down to the final games. However, this year three teams are deadlocked going into the last eight divisional games. Los Angeles, Chicago, and Denver share identical 83-71 records.

Which team has the inside track?

Los Angeles
Context:  At stake is the  longest current run of eight consecutive playoff appearances.
Pros: Highest Luck (Pythagorean W-L) of +8 (unless it runs out). Holds 7-3 tiebreaker over Denver. Last two games at home (vs. Denver).
Cons: 6 of 8 games on the road

Chicago
Context: The Colts have made the postseason only once in the last decade, and could be just the third team to jump from a 100-loss season to the playoffs; the last one being the 1985 Colts.
Pros:  Easiest remaining schedule (.511), has tiebreaker advantage over Denver (6-4) and L.A. (5-5, 38-33 in runs)
Cons:  4 of last 8 games are vs. Toronto, lowest Playoff% (31.1) according to Stats+

Denver
Context: Picked as a top-2 team in the preseason polls, the 14ers are seeking just their second playoff berth in their 16-year history.
Pros:  Highest Playoff% (39.3), according to Stats+
Cons:  23-24 since losing star closer Tim Burke, wildly erratic

But what of the rest of the 10 contenders?  Well, Boston last occupied the playoff zone on July 7 the Feds have gone 40-55, including 4-22 since Aug. 24, with echoes of their 3-12 finish a year ago. As for the San Francisco Spiders, they are still mathematically in the race, but only if your math is stochastic partial differential equations. The Spids are 4 back with 8 to go and have to overtake three teams. Stats+ rates their playoff chances at 0.2 percent.

But wait! There's drama at the bottom of the league table too!

From the "While You Weren't Looking" department: Three teams moved out of last place in the last 10 days.  Havana and Cleveland are 11-8 and 11-9 in September and have overtaken Atlanta and Detroit, respectively. Meanwhile, Brooklyn went 9-9 while Montreal lost 13 of their last 18 games. The Voyageuers now have last place by a four-game margin over the Superbas in the Frank Thomas/Moises Alou/Mike Bordick sweepstakes.

With the Wildcard race now amongst CHI, DEN and LA, GM Peter Vays is pulling out all the stops in an effort to keep LA's playoff streak alive.  With only two of their remaining eight games at home, Vays, known as a big spender a la Todd Boehly, has signed Bon Jovi to play at the Outlaws' last two games vs DEN when LA returns home.

"Go big or go home" stated Vays.  "With the power of big hair, top 40 rock, pyrotechnics, and a bit of eyeliner, the Outlaws are primed to move into the playoffs.  There won't be a dry eye in the house after the band closes with 'Dead or Alive'" stated Vays.

This reporter cannot wait!  NLCS tonight, Bon Jovi, and the end of the 1989 UL Season!

With expansion looming on the horizon for 1990, The Commish took to his familiar podium in Conference Room A of Building One of the Twin UL Towers HQ in diggity Denver, to expand on some of the lesser-known effects of adding two addition UL teams.  

With the help of a PPT presentation, a couple of Excel tables, and a snazzy electronic pointer, The Commish outlined how the media pie of broadcasting revenue from 1990 on will be split 18 ways with the introduction of two new teams.  “That works out to three million less per team, which will be offset by players lost in the expansion draft.” The Commish explained.  

Upon hearing this, some GMs in attendance began wailing.  “We barely have enough to cover salaries as it is; how are we to pay our players, keep our teams together, make a run at winning the WS and still turn a profit?  Oh, the humanity!”  

Before the din could die down, The Commish quickly launched into an explanation of his plan to offset the loss of money.  First, The Commish reminded everyone that the National TV contract was only for 1990 – 1993, and thus terms could be renegotiated for the 1994 season and beyond.  With the high-quality product that the UL offers, The Commish is sanguine about the prospects of an increase to broadcasting revenue from a potential new deal to at least ensure that teams are able to recoup the $3 million lost.  

Second, The Commish explained how he is looking at ways to offset the loss of funding by broadcasting UL games on Twitch.  “Let’s face it – everyone wants to watch the UL, and I am convinced that we will be able to sell subscriptions to fans annually or monthly.  We’re looking into the technical details of what this would entail, but it seems like a viable option.  Here are the proposed subscriber levels:”  

Annual Plan - $159.95 (all games)

Monthly Plan - $29.95 (all games)

Homer Plan – $19.95 (home and away games for one team)

Discount Plan - $9.95 (home and away games for one team, but customer must send a 3rd round pick to the team whose games they want to watch – this is also known as the Peter Vays Special)

And this is also why you must love the UL; it’s a league that never stops trying to improve the product and fan experience.  Let’s hope The Commish sorts out the technical side!

Introductory Remarks

There’s some randy stuff here, with GMs in cahoots with strippers and the like.  And how can good, god-fearing men who may currently be in a relationship engage in behavior like this?  Easily.  In the world of UL, you all are single and happening bachelors, ready to do things one would never consider doing in real life, especially if there are foxes involved.  So read on and remember this is a distraction from the shit we see happening daily in the world.  And just picture Jo and Doug rolling up to the event as Yortuk and Georg Festrunk – link included so Andy knows to what I’m referring.  :p

Main Article

With UL expansion happening after the 1989 Season, fans will get to witness an expansion draft and watch how GMs Jo Lima (Florida) and Doug Aiton (Keystone)— both of whom are intricately linked with the great country of Scotland—get to pick apart all the established teams’ rosters down to the bone.  With the rules for the expansion draft already set, the last remaining issue for the entire league was to sort out which expansion team would have the 1st pick in the Expansion Draft and which team would have 1st overall pick in the 1990 rookie draft.  

The Commish called all GMs together to participate in a brainstorming session, but despite the ideas, the group was initially at an impasse as to how to solve this problem.  HAV’s Lance Mueller offered that each contender should smoke two cigars and then be asked to pick which one was truly Cuban.  The Monuments Mark Wahlerberg proposed a solution that employed Chatbots and AI, but that solution was rejected due to Skynet.  STL’s Reed threw out a complicated solution based on Monte Carlo simulations, discounted cash flows, and how high a pitcher’s movement rating was.  LA’s Peter Vays refused to offer any help until someone threw him a 3rd round pick.  Finally, Colts’ GM Haugh created a formula based on past managerial performance which he opined could predict future success, with the manager having a worse career record claiming the 1st overall rookie, which he deemed more valuable.  As discussions with the GMs dragged through the Colorado night, Barons GM Charlie “Ballsie” Quallsie finally showed his and quipped “JFC – just flip a freaking coin and get on with it.”

With that last issue finally resolved, all were waiting with bated breath for the actual coin toss, which was held at UL HQ in Conference Room A of Building One and streamed to fans who purchased the Twitch UL Annual Subscription plan for $159.95.  The only problem was that no one could find Lima and Aiton.  Lima was looking resplendent in his Andy Robertson kit, and Aiton presented as quite the dapper man in a Scott McTominay strip, so you’d think it would be easy to find two guys wearing Scottish National Team kits and who’d been told to wait in an adjoining room with Destiny and Jade and watch Euro 2024 Qualifying until the method of determining who gets the pick had been decided.

After ten or so minutes, with the attendees becoming more and more agitated, Destiny and Jade, who was now sporting a Scott McTominay strip, hurriedly ran onto the stage, just in time to hear someone yell “Are Lima and Aiton coming or not?” upon which the two part-time UL employees broke out in a fit of giggles.  Before the cacophony of laughter, shouts and whoops subsided, Lima and Aiton, looking a little bit disheveled, scurried out onto the stage.  What on earth happened, and why are the girls laughing?

There was tension in the room as The Commish flipped a Granny Hamner commemorative silver dollar coin and the entire UL found out that……GM Jo Lima of Florida won the toss!  Lima, a defensive aficionado, exclaimed “Jo Lima won a coin toss! Well, that's a first.  I’ll take the 1st pick in the 1990 rookie draft.”  Thus, for the 1990 Rookie Draft, Florida has the #1 overall, with Keystone having to settle for the #2 overall, with positions switched for the expansion draft.  Aiton, still quite dapper even without his Scott McTominay kit, commented “Hey!  I’ll take it!  I respect guys with big bats, and I’m guessing there will be plenty of guys in the rookie draft that have the kind of power I like.”

As reporters clamored for further comments from the GMs, one asked Lima for his opinion on Scotland qualifying for Euro 2024, something Lima missed as the end of the soccer game and coin toss happened at the same time.  “We qualified?” Responded a stunned Lima.  That can’t be—that would be akin to the second coming.”

And as soon as Destiny, standing beside Lima, heard that, she whispered something in his ear about a lost bet and dragged the soon-to-be Florida GM out of the conference room by the hand while loudly letting everyone know that Lima would be out of action for a while.

This entire coin toss was such a success on so many levels.  It had passion, love, mystery, anger, fear, loathing and even Scotland qualifying for a Euro!  If this is how things will be for the UL after expansion, I wholeheartedly urge everyone to get their UL Twitch Annual Plan so you can participate in all the excitement!