Remember that if you need stats, go to baseball-reference.com; everything and anything you want is there. I will make an effort to rate both the individual 1st round pick by itself as well as give an idea as to how this player may fit—or not—into a team’s strategic approach, as appropriate. I may pull in picks from other rounds, but note that I cannot evaluate every single pick a team makes (despite the fact that UL fanatics are clamoring for my scintillating wisdom and astute observations). Finally, remember that even though it’s hard to believe, I swear all of the below Fun Facts are true. And this year, some actually are true.


1. DET – 1B Todd Helton
With me, Sean Holloway, taking extended leave as Griffins GM, it was very interesting for me to watch how the UL’s Beat Reporter and my alter ego “Sean M. Holloway”, fare in the draft.  Not so easy is it, Mr. Smarty Pants!  At first, Helton may seem like the easy pick, but if one looks closer, this selection may just do in the Griffins for years to come.  Helton should be a beast, but will he get there?  Still considerable development risk to weather.  And with Helton playing 1B, that moves Ryan “Bob Horner’s defensive brother” Klesko to LF, where he will drop many a fly ball.  As such, how has Detroit improved anywhere?

By itself, then, this pick seems a bit silly, but let me dive into the 2nd round, as it seems my replacement may be onto something by nabbing C Eli Marrero, a backstop that should be one of the best defensive players at his position in the UL.  And while Eli is an 8 overall and 8/8/9 BFA, he’s not solely all defense and is nearly fully developed offensively, being a 17 at CPA, which isn’t bad for a backstop.  Between Helton at 1B, who is a much better fielder than Klesko, Marrero, and middle IF Abraham Nunez (9/8/7 2B/3B/SS) picked up in Round 3, it seems the Griffins are working to rectify defensive weaknesses and improve behind the plate while simultaneously adding a bat to replace recently traded C Dave Nilsson.  Drafting Helton is a risky move, so I will not buy this pick outright but instead put it in lay-a-way (someone explain to Andy and the other young kids what this is and how it worked).

Did You Know?
• Five-time All Star, four-time SS, three-time GG; for god’s sake, go to baseball-reference and review this guy’s stats.  I don’t have the space or the energy to type them here.
• Received a scholarship to play baseball AND football at Tennessee.
• First Rockies player to have his number retired.
• FUN FACT:  Favorite band is Big Head Todd and the Monsters.
• FUNNER FACT:  Favorite BHTM song is “Resignation Superman”.
• FUNNEST FACT:  One day I’ll have to trade him to The Commish due to the Rockies connection.


2. SEA – #2 1B David Ortiz, #15 CF Torii Hunter
GM Tucker—although dropping one spot in the draft thanks to the lottery and some possible shenanigans by the Griffins and their Holistic Detective, Dirk Gently—had a pretty good consolation prize with Ortiz.  Big Papi is big, and he’s a papi, so what, pray tell, could go wrong with this pick?  BP is fairly well-developed, and with a potential 8 CON and 9 POW, he’ll most likely make up offensively for what he can’t do at 1B in the field.  Hunter is an interesting pick, as he has a long way to go to reach full potential, and SEA is stacked in the outfield as it is.  If Hunter does come around, then Tucker won’t have to worry about anything in the outfield for some time.  With Tucker signing 37 FAs this offseason, most notably Hanson, Gooden, Smiley and Burks, it’s clear that he’s going for it and is ready to get into people’s kitchens and bang some pots around.  AND don’t forget he just snagged C Jason Varitek as well, who most likely will be able to improve upon a lackluster performance by the incumbent Javy Lopez.  AND he got OF Jose Guillen.  I’ll buy SEA’s draft for Big Papi alone; anything Hunter, Varitek and Guillen contribute is gravy.  The West should watch out, as this team is going to be way better than it has over the past five years.

Did You Know?
• Big Papi was shot in the back in a bar in Santo Domingo, DR, under suspicious circumstances that have since been sort of clarified.  Apparently a drug kingpin believed Cookie Monster had somehow disrespected him and wanted payback.     
• Big Papi stats – go look at his stats on baseball-reference; wow. 
• Hunter is a 9-time GG winner and 5-time All Star
• Despite being a diehard Braves fan, GM Tucker is trying to rebuild the Boston Red Sox (Big Papi, Damon, Nixon, Burks, Nomar, Hanson, Varitek). 
• FUN FACT: Big Papi visited Sesame Street and even recorded a skit that re-enacted how he was shot in the DR, with Cookie Monster playing Big Papi and Oscar the Grouch playing the drug kingpin; executives felt this gave the wrong impression and canned the bit.
• FUNNER FACT:  Hunter lists Tori Amos, Tori Spelling, Tori Bowie, and Tori Black as some of his favorite athletes and performers (Dickie Thon called Tori Black an outstanding athlete, so who am I to argue?). 
• EVEN FUNNER FACT:  Hunter’s favorite movie and song is the US film about the Japanese invasion of Pearl Harbor and Depeche Mode’s song of the same name “Torii! Torii!  Torii!”. 
• FUNNEST FACT:  Hunter played an American in the film. 
• FUNNEREST FACT:  the FUNNEST FACT above is a test of the Emergency GM system to see if a certain GM reads this article.


3. MPS – #3 SP Kelvim Escobar, #8 1B Sean Casey
So GM Haugh picks up Jason Isringhausen, and now he lands by far the best SP in this year’s draft in Kelvim Escobar, a starter with five pitches that should give UL batters fits.  He’s young and does not have far to go to reach full potential, so that was likely on Haugh’s mind since we are now in the “Iron Mike kills all pitchers” era.  The future upside for Escobar is huge, despite the fact his first name ends in “m” when it really should end in “n”.  Buying this pick.

As for Casey – the dude is a potential 9 CON/6 POW/9 Avoid Ks and a decent fielder.  Apart from the fact that he’s slow as molasses, Casey is going to add instant pop to the Foxes line-up.  Great pick.  Oh, and remember that MPS also snagged arguably the best RP in this year’s draft in Ricardon Rincon and added Kerry Ligtenberg.  The Foxes will be competing sooner than Haugh is willing to admit.  This team has the potential to mess you up, and even if his team doesn’t, Haugh will knee-cap your ass, so be on the lookout for a large, red fox.

Did You Know?
• Escobar hates A.J. Pierzynski due to a controversial dropped third strike call that allowed A.J. to reach 1B, with his pinch runner eventually scoring and giving the White Sox the win, in the 2005 ALCS. 
• Casey started a non-profit with Conan O’Brien to fight hunger in Lawrence, Massachusetts. 
• FUN FACT: Escobar’s parents were into science, so they named him after the Kelvin temperature scale; unfortunately absolutely terrible handwriting meant that Escobar’s first name was mistakenly recorded with an “m”. 
• FUNNER FACT:  “Sean Casey is the Mark Grace of his generation.”  MPS GM Steve Haugh stated, and I won’t argue with him or he’ll knee-cap me.


4. FLO – #4 RF Ben Grieve, #10 SP Bartolo Colon
Despite IM saying that Grieve is still a development risk, the dude is pretty much there.  He was not the best fielding outfielder in the draft, but he should provide the Flamingos with offense, and it seems as if Grieve should reach his potential.  GM Lima also snagged OF Mark Kotsay who’s nearly developed and a potential 7/5/9.  The Florida outfield is set with these two plus Glenallen Hill (who’s experiencing a resurgence in FLO) and CF Bernie Williams.  The truly interesting part of FLO’s 1st round picks is in SP Bartolo Colon and his SIX pitches, all of which he throws well.  Escobar may be better overall, but to pick up an SP of Colon’s quality at #10 is crazy to me.  And now FLO’s top three are Mussina, Cordova and Colon – have fun with that.

Did You Know?
• Grieve is the son of legendary UL outfielder Tom Grieve, who played from 1971–85 with ATL, DEN, MAN, LA and CHI, and was elected to the UL Hall of Fame in 1991.  
• Colon is known as “Big Sexy” and has applied for a trademark of the moniker, under which he plans to produce a clothing line. 
• FUN FACT:  Ben’s father, UL legend both on and off the field, and who spent many a time at a night club observing the finer things in life, has already contacted fellow ringleaders Doc Ellis and Bob Moose, so it appears Grieve’s Band of Merry Men is about ready to see a huge uptick in activity.
• FUNNER FACT:  the party the elder Grieve wanted to throw for his son to celebrate being a 1st rounder was supposed to be at the Magic City club, where the elder Grieve planned to fete both his son and all the fine young ladies who contributed to the cultural impact of said club.  As the party was unceremoniously cancelled at the last minute, SEA GM Tucker saved the day by inviting everyone back to his ranch outside of Atlanta.  Kudos to Tucker for being so willing to host what was a bomb of a party. 
• FUNNEST FACT:  Jade and Destiny showed up, and they still look fine as hell.  They even got GM Lima to dance on Tucker’s dining room table (much to Tucker’s chagrin, but this is how the UL rolls). 
• FUNNEST FACT:  After retiring Colon decided to start a medical company, Colon’s Colon Center, focusing on gastro-intestinal issues since he suffered problems throughout his career.


5. WAS – RF Magglio Ordonez
GM Gudim, methinks, most likely will have right field open soon, with Nails getting up there in both age and salary.  And who better to replace him with than Ordonez, a guy who’s a potential 9/7/10.  Holy hell.  And the dude is nearly fully developed and a decent fielder to boot.  The more I look at this guy, the more I wonder why the Griffins did not select him.  Great pick for Gudim.  WAS’s outfield is set up for five years or so with the addition or Mags, as he has Andruw Jones in CF and Greg Colbrunn in LF.  Gudim also added 3B Aaron “not Daniel but am related to the guy, and I’m also married to a Playmate” Boone and SP Cory Lidle.  With Omar Vizquel getting up there in age and an FA in 1999, Gudim is planning for the future.  Boone doesn’t have the power of his brother, Bret, but he could be a solid contributor in the future.

Did You Know?
• His 2007 season with the Tigers was one of the best ever among all Tiger OFs, where he hit .363 with 28 HR and 139 RBIs, and won the AL Batting Title.
• FUN FACT:  Tigers fans nicknamed him “The Big Tilde”; no joke there.
• FUNNER FACT:  Aw, come on!  Who’s the Playmate Boone married?
• FUNNEST FACT:  Laura Cover.


6. MON – #6 SS Miguel Tejada, #14 1B Brad Fullmer

GM Bryan Gryka and his uncanny ability to pick middle infielders who won’t reach their full potential are on full display with this pick of Tejada…..no, it’s actually not that bad of a pick, but it does make you wonder.  Tejada has to be ready this year, as it seems that Gryka has reconciled with the fact that Derek “Just Past A Diving” Jeter just won’t cut it at shortstop.  If Tejada develops, MON has immediately improved at the number 6 position.  And sadly, although we will always love the Thrill, one day, as B.B. King said, the Thrill is gone.  When that happens, Gryka will have Fullmer ready, although the dude is pretty much ready to go right now and could easily start, as he sports a 7/7/9, which will do just fine for the MON faithful.  The real question I have concerns picking 1B Konerko in Round 2.  I’m not certain of this move and am chalking it up to Gryka wanting to have a partner for Jeter when they have to pick up shifts for LFG, OR he’s expanding from middle IFs that won’t pan out to middle IFs and 1B that won’t pan out.

Did You Know?
• Tejada reportedly idolized Ripken Jr., was connected to the steroid debacle in MLB and lied about his age, saying he was born in 1976 instead of 1974. 
• Fullmer committed to Stanford but chose to go pro after the Expos threw money at him.
• FUN FACT:  Tejada’s middle name is Odalis, and since retiring, he owns a chicken farm in Florida, and he recently opened a restaurant, Tajada Con Pollo de Tejada.
• FUNNER FACT:  Brad Fullmer the player is often confused with Brad Fullmer the movie producer; Fullmer the producer got Fullmer the player an uncredited cameo as the Slenderman in the eponymous film.


7. KEY - #7 SP Chris Carpenter, #18 SS Orlando Cabrera
GM Aiton, seeking a partner for Van Landingham, certainly has found one in Carpenter, an SP with five pitches who can field his position and hold runners.  The guy is all-around great.  And at a potential 6/7/8, he’s the first 21 we’ve seen in quite some time.  KEY needed an SP, and Aiton found one; don’t overlook this rotation of Van Landingham, Sele, Henry and Carpenter – it’s sneaky good.  The addition of SS Cabrera allows Aiton to move Wil “Where’s my second L?” Cordero to 3B, a position he’s better suited for while simultaneously greatly improving KEY’s middle infield.  Aiton had holes to fill, and he took a page out of Dickie Thon’s book and did just that.  Great picks.

Did You Know?
• Carpenter was often injured, and many MLB fans wonder what he could have done had he remained healthy; he won one Cy and two WS.
• Cabrera won two GGs and was an important part of the Red Sox’s WS in 2004.
• FUN FACT:  Carpenter’s favorite song is “We’ve Only Just Begun”.
• FUNNER FACT:  SEA GM Tucker tried to draft Cabrera (former Red Sox), and when he found out that KEY was going to draft Cabrera, Tucker offered Aiton a signed mint edition of the Marshall Tucker Band’s debut album, but Aiton didn’t bite.
•   FUNNEREST FACT: Cabrera was drafted in the first round in the 1999 Micro League, ahead of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, by a guy named Taylor who once left in the middle of a draft to go sell his television.


9. MAN – #9 SP Matt Morris, #13 OF Richard Hidalgo
I think MAN GM Eric Holthaus may have had the best round of all those who had 1st round picks.  The Gray Sox, who surprised many last year with their playoff run, have a solid rotation, anchored by Roger Clemens.  Add a potential 20 to the crew, and MAN just became even more dangerous.  On top of that, Holthaus landed Hidalgo, who’s near fully developed offensively and pretty beastly in the outfield at all three positions.  In short, with Santangelo, Nunally, and Browne, good luck hitting the ball into the outfield when playing at Hudson Yard.  Hidalgo only makes it so much worse for opposing hitters.

Wait!  What’s that?  I hear the train a comin’; it’s rolling round the bend…..yep, you got it.  The Swoop Train is riding through NYC tonight, as the dual catch of both a bitching SP and position player in the same round earn the Gray Sox a long train whistle.  Excellent picks!

Did You Know?
• Morris tossed a no-hitter in 1993 for the Hyannis Mets, with Jason Varitek behind the plate for him. 
• Hidalgo nearly died in a carjacking in Venezuela but was fortunate to have only been shot in his forearm. 
• FUN FACT: Morris “likes big butts, and he cannot lie”.  
• FUNNER FACT:  Holthaus and other guys can’t deny. 
• FUNNER FACT:  Hidalgo, after they leave it, “pulls up quick to retrieve it”.


11. TOR - #11 SP Kevin Millwood, #12 SP Derek Lowe, #17 2B Jose Vidro

GM Eric “Doctor and the Medics” Clemons had a plethora of 1st round picks, and he put them all to good use.  The Polar Bears' starting rotation was decent, but Clemons just turned decent into above average with picks 11 and 12.  Adding not one but TWO 19s to his rotation means that TOR should have greatly increased their chances to make it to the playoffs, if not now be the front runners for East pennant.  The team finished only four games back in 1996, so watch out for them this year.  And the addition of Jose Vidro at 2B, a potential 9/5/9, should be an improvement over current 2B Jose Oquendo (there’s some rule in TOR that all 2B must be named Jose; who knew?).  Oquendo is super solid, but he’s nearly 34 and appears to be slowing down, so the addition of Vidro comes right on time.  Great picks!  The rest of the East should watch out.

Did You Know?
• Millwood won a World Series with Atlanta in 1999.
• Lowe committed to Eastern Michigan University to play basketball.
• Vidro was the first DH ever for the Expos when inter-league play started in 1997.
• FUN FACT:  Dr. Clemons promised Polar Bears fans that if the club wins the World Series in 1997, they would be blessed with another picture of “epic proportions”, so prepare your eyes for that.
• FUNNER FACT:  SEA GM Tucker sent Foxy Steve over to see if he could “persuade” Dr. Clemons to trade Lowe, a former Red Sox, to him, but Dr. Clemons was ready for him, being guarded by newly acquired LFG employee Paul Konerko.
• FUNNEST FACT:  Seeing how I am – hopefully – no more than 5-6 years from retirement, I was so stoked when I saw this about Vidro; he retired and went home to Sabana Grande, PR, where he was playing in a masters league and works the farm he owns along with his family and several employees.  This is awesome.


16.   ATL – 1B Derrek Lee

Wait.  Who the heck is this ATL team?  This must be a team that’s been good for so long and used picks to fuel their run so often that we haven’t seen the club draft this high for a while.  Either that, or I could be stoned.  Not quite sure at the moment.  Anyways, GM Andy Chaney, likely knowing that current 1B Greg Colbrunn is getting a tad pricey, appears to have given Lee the frontrunner’s spot at taking over when Colbrunn is done.  Lee has better contact and more power, as well as being an above average defender.  Should Lee reach his full potential in a year or so, Chaney will have yet another slugger that should feel at home batting in the order near Manny and Bret Boone.  Great pick!

Did You Know?
• Son of Leon Lee and nephew of Leron Lee, two guys who found success over in Japan.
• FUN FACT:   Favorite song is “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archies.
• FUNNER FACT:  That’s an inside joke for a GM.
• FUNNEST FACT:  Now I’ll know if this guy actually reads stories...
• FUNNEREST FACT:  A very amiable, guy, Lee is the clubhouse and fan favorite, with Topper fans singing “Nobody Doesn’t Like Derrek Lee!” when he does his walkout.  Andy and the young guys won’t get this one, either.