June 1, 1998

HAVANA (June 19) — Fidel Castro seized control of the Cuban government tonight in a swift coup, 35 years after his ragtag band of revolutionaries went underground following the successful Bay of Pigs invasion in 1961. That successful invervention put a US-friendly democratic regime in place and helped integrate the island into the North American baseball ecosystem, culminating with the Havana Leones expansion team in 1990. Now the future of that franchise is in doubt, as the new Marxist authorities closed the borders and started deporting foreign nationals. A club official, speaking by phone, with gunfire echoing in the background, described chaotic scenes just outside the Stadio Latinamericano. Havana's absentee GM Lance Mueller, who spends 98 percent of his time in California, was unavailable for comment.

It is unclear how the 72-year-old Castro was allowed back in the country after 36 years of hiding. But apparently the aging ideologue was far from retired and had been plotted the coup for years from his hideaway in the Chiapas region of Mexico.

The Leones were in Miami at the start of a three-game series when they heard word of the coup. The only Cuban player in the organization, RP Vladimir Nunez, was on duty with Triple-A San Diego and was unavailable for comment.  Montreal SP Livan Hernandez, who was born in Villa Clara in central Cuba, said that he was surprised Castro had not returned and taken over earlier.

It wasn't immediately clear how the revolt and subsequent crackdown on foreign influences would affect the rest of the Leones' season. It is well-known that Castro is a huge baseball fan, but he has long condemned the "Yankee contamination" of the game and has vowed to return it to its homegrown Cuban roots, which many observers have surmised might include expelling all foreign—or at a minimum, all non-Latin—players from the country.

One Salary Cap Rule to Rule Them All!
Rule Change on Salary Cap Causes Chaos!
by Sean Holloway, Detroit Griffins GM and Beat Reporter in Residence

Reporters and fans alike were clamoring for more clarification from the UL regarding a new rule change that will see the UL salary cap drop $5M to a maximum of $70M starting in 1999. From his podium on the dais in Conference Room T at UL HQ, the Commish explained that he is extremely concerned about inflation spikes once the UL expands to 21 teams.

After the expansion draft, the theory goes, with the Media Money Pool per each team being reduced, team revenues should be lower, thus driving down salary caps naturally. Along with this, each team is expected to lose up to $6M in salary expenses due to losing players in the expansion draft. The Commish’s biggest concern, as he explained, was triggering a 17% inflation surge with clubs seeing their salary reductions outpacing the loss of media money, hence the $5M reduction in the cap.

But here’s where things went off the rails. As soon as the phrase “17% inflation surge” left his lips, bodies began crashing the stage, led by Fridley GM Haugh in a red fox costume and wearing a New Order concert T-shirt. Two LFG security guards grabbed the Commish and gently moved him off to one side of the stage.  MON GM Gryka, followed by CHI GM Peter Vays, who was wearing headphones, then walked up to the microphone and screamed “Let’s fucking go!” before turning the podium over to Fridley GM Haugh and Griffins GM Holloway. Haugh screamed “I got your surge right here!”, before imploring Holloway to read a statement, something that Holloway obviously did not want to do. After a slap fight between the two GMs, Holloway finally relented.

Stated Holloway. “Although we – the New World Order - must honestly state that the robust discussion on the salary cap rule change has mostly been beyond us, we did enjoy the cool pictures presented. As such, we will roll with things and see how it goes. We must also add that we are heartened by the possibility of reverting back to $75M cap should economic conditions change.  But should we find that the situation adversely impacts teams, you will hear from us again!”

Shouted a reporter. “But if you’re the New World Order, why is Fridley Fox wearing a New Order concert t-shirt?”

Replied Haugh. “Someone – I won’t say who (glaring at Gryka) – apparently didn’t listen when he was told to order the NWO shirts early.  Unfortunately, we had to improvise.”

“Let’s fucking go!” said Gryka dejectedly.

As soon as Gryka finished speaking the Commish broke free of his LFG guardians and ran to the podium. “But there’s more!” he stated excitedly.

Before The Commish could begin, though, CHI GM Vays removed his headphones and shouted. “Wait! The salary cap is being lowered? Was this just announced now?  Why wasn't I informed?”

Upon hearing this, Fridley Fox roared.  "All this time you were with the New World Order, and you didn't even know why we banded together?

Responded Vays.  "I thought we we're going to stop by the strip club before heading out to see Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash!"

These justifications did not sit well with Foxy Steve, who replied: "Begone!  Demonic reasons I rebuke thee!"

And with that, Vays dejectedly took off his NWO (well, New Order) t-shirt and left out the back door.

EET and UL Renew Deal!
UL States That Companies’ Relationship Is “Firmer Than Ever”!

By Sean Holloway, Detroit Griffins GM and Beat Reporter in Residence

As soon as Vays left the conference room, The Commish continued his presser by introducing HAV GM Lance Mueller, who also is the UL Marketing Director and liaison with all companies that have agreements with the League.  Commish Smith indicated that Mueller would take over from here, and one could hear the proverbial pin drop as the attendees quieted down, all eager to hear what was coming next.

Explained Mueller. “With expansion in the UL looming on the horizon - and in my pants - there were many balls in the air to juggle, as the League attempted to sort how to keep the UL experience fresh and exciting and thus continually get a rise out of people.   Upon hearing this innuendo, The Commish whacked Meuller on the shoulder.

Mueller picked up again, only now with a huge smile on his face.  "As I was saying, there’s only so much that Sky and Jade can do with ball juggling, so expansion was seen as the best avenue forward. With media revenues expected to decrease, and with small-market teams concerned about a possible ‘death spiral’, The Commish and I worked diligently to renew and extend the League’s agreement with EET, in the hopes of raising flagging and flaccid revenues.”

Mueller continued. “As such, it is with great satisfaction that I’m able to announce both this new sponsorship deal, which, once in effect, will hopefully give the League enough money and avert the 17% inflationary surge and all surges - except for the ones in my pants - and thus allow for a possible return back to a pre-expansion salary cap level of $75M.”

A reporter shouted.  "But how does giving the League money prevent inflationary pressure on salaries and the cap?"

At this, Gryka leaped off the podium and socked the reporter in the face before looking menacingly at other attendees.  "Let's fucking go!" he said, with eyes blazing.  That shut reporters up really quick.  Apparently, this guy didn't understand that sometimes one just runs with a story for the sake of the goof regardless of the plan's validity.

Meuller returned to his statement.  “But the best part of all is that along with this deal, the UL grants EET the exclusive right to be the League’s official provider of the company’s new wonder drug ‘17%’. This is the next generation version of EET, and clinical trials have been outstanding.  For example, the Griffins started the year at 2-8, and now they are 8-20, which in terms of winning percentage is a massive surge, after an emergency clinical trial was conducted after the Griffin's horrific start. And I’m sure everyone witnessed how Michael Tucker erupted with his .357 BA and 1.095 OPS recently. This is all due to the drug."

And in an even more shocking development, Mueller added that EET researchers discovered that a derivative of 17% has similar positive effects and impacts on women, and as such, the company will also begin distribution of this new medication ‘On the Come’, later this summer.”

Whoa, Nelly!  A fallback plan for the new salary cap rule, one drug for men to prevent sucking and one drug for women to encourage sucking?  Sounds like this is a two-for-one win!x