In a hastily called meeting in Conference Room S attended by all UL GMs to address the recent issues with players refusing to be traded, reporting to the wrong teams, and in general not going where they should, UL Commissioner Smith started by reassuring fans that the current issue with trades “not sticking” was on the way to being solved.

For those not in the know, CHI and LA and LA and ATL have experienced issues with completed deals suddenly becoming uncompleted deals. This, as one can imagine, has caused GMs much heartburn as no one is 100% certain yet if said deals will ever be consummated. And it’s even worse for the players, many of whom have repeatedly flown to their new team’s city only to discover they have to return back home. Rheal Cormier, for example, has stated he's not moving from his cushy five-star hotel room in LA no matter what happens—and he's sure as hell not giving up his frequent flyer miles as he’s made the trip from LA to CHI and back at least five times now.

Stated The Commish. “The last week or so has seen some very strange anomalies in our trade registration/processing system, which was just brought online two weeks ago thanks to our friends at CompuServe. In an effort to further streamline processes, improve efficiency, and automate procedures that will reduce Commish workload, we contracted with MPS GM Steve’s IT consulting firm, Dewey, Cheatham, and Haugh, to implement the new system.

We did, though, forget about training the users – the GMs – of said system.  That is why the GMs were called to league HQ in Colorado; to participate in an intensive day-long training we hope will go far in solving the problem.  We will also post suggested process flows for easy reference.  But I’m not the expert, so I’d like to invite MPS GM Haugh to explain what else, if anything, his firm believes contributed to the problem.”

Haugh, wearing an adult-sized furry orange costume, and looking bedraggled and annoyed, stepped to the podium. It was clear that he was doing his best not to lose it, while a gaggle of junior consultants stood just off his right shoulder, whispering “don’t read what’s in parentheses!” to him.

Haugh, a savvy IT guy, explained. “After thoroughly investigating the situation, the blame may be firmly placed on (‘stupid old men who don’t know how to complete basic tasks on a freaking computer!’). This process works! Just follow simple instructions and freaking do it properly!”

The junior consultants blanched and one screamed “I said to NOT read what was in parentheses!”.

By now Haugh was beyond caring, though, and after pulling up the hood on his costume, he shocked the press conference attendees by revealing his true identity as a large, orange fox!  A reporter screamed.  “Oh, no!  It’s the Fridley Fox!”  Several women fainted.

Haugh screamed “those who cannot follow instructions must pay! Gryka! Get in here!”

Several large men wearing LFG shirts suddenly appeared out of nowhere and grabbed a hold of CHI GM Peter Vays. With a roar, Haugh jumped off the stage, pulled a police baton out, did a perfect superhero roll upon hitting the ground, and began to kneecap ATL GM Andy Chaney.  MON 1B Paul Konerko was gut punching the restrained Vays, while Gryka was attempting to grab LA GM TurboTimBro – er, TurboTimLA – while screaming “Let’s fucking go!”.

Haugh, done inflicting abuse on Chaney, turned to assist Gryka in the chase after TurboTimLA, as the conference hall descended into chaos.  TurboTimLA, though, always one to be prepared (remember he once had TWO complete starting rotations between his major and minor league teams) whipped out his own police baton and began a running fencing battle with Haugh throughout the hall.

As UL Security finally began to pour into Conference Room S, Haugh and Gryka and his men made a hasty retreat out the back, with Haugh warning all that he will “put the smack down on your ass!” if GMs don’t follow proper trade procedure. After threatening to get anyone who crossed him in the future, Haugh deked two UL security men and laughed his way out the emergency exit, almost tripping over a prone Chaney who was half-sobbing, half-screaming “Why?  Why?”.

Whew! This was nuts! I’m scared enough now to never trade again! But I know if I do, I will follow GM Haugh’s rules and regulations as I like my kneecaps too much. Also, in order to "future proof" the trade processing system, the league has transitioned from from CompuServe to AltaVista.