July 1, 1998

As the Castro regime tightened its grip on all levers of power on the island, the United League's focus turned to the safety and immediate future of Cuba's UL franchise. Havana Leones absentee GM Lance Mueller released this public statement in the days after the Marxist coup:

For Immediate Release
Press release from Leones’ GM Lance Mueller re. team’s future, short and long term

First and foremost I am happy to relay that all members of the Leones organization that choose to leave Cuba are safe and sound in the Miami metro area. This includes players and front office personnel, as well as coach, training and clubhouse staff, and all immediate family. I want to give a huge ‘thank you’ to Florida Flamingos GM Jo Lima and his staff for their unwavering assistance in finding temporary housing and practice facilities for us. I would also like to thank Secretary of State Albright and Comandante Raul Castro for their hours of diligent and deliberate negotiation that guaranteed the safe passage of individuals out of Cuba as well as the crafting of an agreement that will allow the Leones to finish out the 1998 season using Estadio Latinoamericano as our home field.

The terms of the agreement are as follows:

    1. I, capitalist imperialist pig and shit General Manager (not my words), Michael Lance Mueller promise to never set foot in the free nation of Cuba ever again or I will be shot on sight.

    2. Effective immediately all positions associated with the management, maintenance, and hosting of Estadio Latinoamericano are to be filled by Cuban nationals.

    3. At the end of the 1998 season all material possessions of the Leones organization including, but not limited to, all baseball equipment, training equipment, office supplies and furniture, team owned vehicles and facilities, are to be turned over to the Castro regime for redistribution amongst the Cuban people.

    4. All Leones players and personnel will be allowed to keep their salaries and cash assets but all other material possessions including but not limited to housing, vehicles, furniture and appliances, clothing and other tactile goods are to be forfeited to the Castro regime for redistribution to the Cuban people. Any member of the Leones organization who has chosen to remain in Cuba will be allowed to retain possession of the above mentioned items.

    5. After 1998, the Leones and all other UL teams promise to never play another unsanctioned game of baseball anywhere in Cuba.

So, in the short term, the Leones will continue to play home games at Estadio Latinoamericano using Miami as a temporary hub of operations. There has been some discussion of moving our home base to San Diego as we have established infrastructure in place but considering the world shattering shock to the system we have undergone it has been decided it is in the best interest of everyone in the Leones family to subject all of us to as little upheaval as possible going forward. Long term plans for the organization are now our number one priority and preliminary discussions with the Commissioner of the United League have already begun regarding the future of the team. We will keep you informed about any meaningful developments.

Take care and be well,
Lance Mueller, Leones GM

Official Response from Foreign Office:
"El régimen cubano agradece al señor Mueller y se complace en informar que su presencia se limita a una efigie. No una efigie colgada. No una efigie quemada. Simplemente una efigie. Considérese una victoria."

"The Cuban regime thanks Señor Mueller and is happy to report that he is just in effigy.  Not hanging in effigy. Not burning in effigy. Just in effigy. Count it a win."

Fabric of Time and Space Possibly Torn?!
SEA GM Tucker Calls for Recount! Er….Re-check?
by Sean Holloway, Detroit Griffins GM and Beat Reporter in Residence

Many fans of the UL expected this season to be like past ones, with the same dull and boring teams in the West battling for supremacy.  This is why the standings as of June 16th have many standing up and taking notice.

CHI appeared to be ready to run away with the division, but quietly GM Tucker’s Seattle Rainiers were lying in wait and seem to have now erupted (I told you that new EET drug “17%” was the bomb!). As of today, the Rainiers sit atop the West TIED with the Colts, courtesy of a 9-1 run in their last 10 games.

While this may have surprised many, it shocked GM Tucker, who actually filed an official grievance with the UL and demanded a re-check of the standings in a terse two sentence presser where he stated. “Please make sure the latest file uploaded correctly with no errors. It says I am tied for the division lead so something must have not uploaded correctly.”

At GM’s Tucker request, the League ran intensive and extensive SIT, UAT and Regression Testing, after which the “all good” sign was given. An anonymous source on the UL’s IT team said that while initially they thought something may be askew, they knew things were OK by looking at a specific marker.  Explained the source. “If there was any doubt as to whether the file was corrupted, it was quickly dispelled when we realized Jeter still stinks.”

Whoa, Nelly!

It's the Wrong Trousers...errrr....It's the Wrong Mueller, or Maybe It's the Wrong Muller?!
What Is Happening on Cuba?  New Regime Makes Blunderful Move
by Sean Holloway, Detroit Griffins GM and Beat Reporter in Residence

If you've been reading the Clouts lately, you know that it is just pure madness on the island of Cuba at the moment following Castro's Marxist coup.  And while some are dancing in the streets of Havana, there are plenty of internal and external observers that are now posing the question "did anyone really think this through?" while expressing their concerns that the country may turn into a extended Keystone Cops film.

First, there is the fact that these "revolutionaries" could not even sort how to hang or burn someone in effigy.  To wit, their own Foreign Office released a statement claiming that someone was now in effigy - but not hanging nor burning - just chilling in effigy.

Second, and likely most damning, is the fact that Cuba's Marxist regime has the WRONG person in effigy.  The Foreign Office's press release is titled:

Muller In Effigy
Considéralo una victoria (Count it a Win)

Coincidentally, I was gambling in Havana; I took a little risk, so I was actually there when the coup occurred.  As such, I decided to investigate this possibly eggregious mistake to see if my worst fears would be realized.  I hightailed it down to the Foreign Office building in downtown, and there, just as I suspected, was German and Bayern Munich legend and now current Vancouver Whitecaps star - the Raumdeuter and Space interpreter himself, Mr.  Thomas Muller.  Yep, the guy who's allegedly not athletically gifted but somehow became one of the best footballers ever is in effigy in front of the Foreign Office building.

I pressed my Foreign Office sources for an official response, but I have heard nothing back up to this point.  Regardless, this blunder does not inspire confidence, but it should let GM Mueller rest a bit easier, as if the regime cannot even put the proper person in effigy, how would they be able to track down and punish Mueller?  For what it's worth, rumors are swirling that a rescue mission led by CLE GM Qualls is in the works, which makes absolute sense since only Quallsie is ballsie enough to take on an entire regime by himself.

I'm filing this story very late, after I went home with a waitress, the way I always do.  I'll have more on this developing story and potential rescure operation soon!  My gut says the madness will continue until everyone with the Leones organization is safely off the island.  And I'm praying Charlie gets there soon!  And if anyone wants to help Lance, send lawyers, guns and money.......

What's the Dots Called?
UL Beat Reporter Follows-up Cuba's Foreign Office Blunder with One of His Own
By Sean Holloway, Detroit Griffins GM and Beat Reporter in Residence

At a hastily called press conference, UL Beat Reporter Sean Holloway, flanked by the Fridley Fox and MON GM Bryan Gryka, tried to explain how his numerous references to the Space Interpreter Thomas Müller's last name did NOT have what is officially known as "those two dots above the letter".

Explained Holloway.  "Unfortunately, in my haste to break the story, I may have taken some shortcuts in the editing process.  After being notified by GM Gryka, I promise that from now on, I will not take shortcuts and properly use the omelette in the future in people's names."

Upon hearing this, Fridley Fox and GM Steve Haugh coughed and then loudly whispered "Umlaut!  It's not an omelette; that's a breakfast dish!"

Holloway put his hand over the microphone, turned to Gryka on his left and whispered.  "You told me it was "omelette"!  What the hell were you thinking?"

Gryka responded defensively.  "Let's fucking go!"

Holloway was incredulous.  "Seriously?  You thought I was asking about breakfast?  Were you even listening to me when I asked you about the two dots?"

Gryka: "let's fucking go!"

Holloway: "you thought I was taking a breakfast order, and you wanted a two-egg omelette?  Good Christ, do we have a lot of work ahead of us."

And with a very curt "this press conference is over", Holloway, Haugh and Gryka left the stage.  Me thinks, though, that with this merry band of men, the adventures - or misadventures - of the trio will continue.