Words cannot describe my relief at how 'normal' this audio drama is. This anime series has some seriously creepy episodes and themes. The incest angle of all things was tamest element.
There's a number of lines that were surprisingly hard to translate. Especially the 'swimming' drink pun. That's a pretty bad translation. Don't hold it against me too much.
オーディオドラマ 「ペンギン０号殺ペン事件」
Audio Drama [The Murder of Penguin 0] (alt trans: The Penguin 0 Murder Case)
(trans note: there seems to be a pun to the title ‘The SusPENseful Murder of Penguin 0)
Shouma: In a quiet street away from the bustling main road, stands a small brick residential building. On the third floor is where Detective Takakura Himari Investigating Services office barely manages to operate. In truth, I would like us to move to a much more spacious, cleaner and cooler place but this month our office is seriously in the red. There’s stuff for stake outs apparently like stuffed animals, clothing and snacks for undercover work. Seriously this gives me such a headache. Oh, how rude of me, I am the Great Detective Himari’s assistant, Shouma. While working as Detective Himari’s assistant, I myself am studying/training to be a detective. Though right now I’m just cleaning, doing the laundry and cooking. But it appears that a case will soon walk in to Detective Himari’s office.
Ringo: It’s a case! Detective Himari! (trans note: ‘sensei’) Shouma-kun!
Himari: What’s this all of a suddn. Knock at least. You’re always so worked up Ringo-kun. Do newspaper reporters have so much free time?
Shouma: Um, it’s about time for Detective Himari’s three o’clock snack. I’m sure you’re busy trying to find a scoop.
Ringo: I told you, I’m here because I want to get a huge scoop. In any case, it’s a big case! I want the great Detective Himari to solve it! Then this time, I will finally be able to write that page three news article and graduate away from the entertainment news section.
Shouma: Well if you’re offering a commission/reward, right Detective Himari? It might help the office’s financial straits.
Ringo: Of course! Once my award winning articles gets printed in the newspaper, I will definitely reward you!
Himari: Hm, very well then. Can’t do nothing after hearing there’s a case. Shouma-kun, please get everything ready. Well then, let’s get to the scene of the crime.
Shouma: The Murder of Penguin 0 (trans note: there seems to be a pun to the title ‘The SusPENseful Murder of Penguin 0)
Himari: I see, the case took place in the bath. And the thing floating in the hot water is… Penguin 0.
Shouma: Ringo-kun discovered the scene when she entered it to clean the bath. There she immediately found Penguin 0 floating in the water.
Kanba: You there! What are you doing?!
Shouma: Huh? It’s you, the popular playboy/handsome Police Detective Kanba. What are you doing here?
Kanba: I’m here to investigate of course! Seriously, where did you hear of this? This isn’t a place for amateurs! Go home!
Himari: Can’t do that, as you can see, the reporter Ringo-kun over there has commissioned me for this case.
Kanba: What did you say?
Ringo: It’s for the sake of getting my scoop. At heart of the investigation, the rivalry between the great detective and crack police detective to solve the mystery! Interesting/exciting ain’t it?
Kanba: No it isn’t. Getting the Detective Himari involved again to steal/disturb our case. Just so you can write up a bunch of half truths (mix of fact and fiction) in your article.
Ringo: Hmph. Freedom of the press!
Kanba: Hey, quit taking picture of the crime scene! Himari-kun, young Shouma, stop touching the crime scene/evidence like that!
Himari: Oh calm down. Rather than get all worked up, we should focus on solving the crime Detective Kanba. It’s hard to think with you shouting all the time.
Kanba: What did you say? You stuck up little girl detective?
Shouma: Now, now. Detective Kanba, please forgive/I apologize for Detective Himari’s rudeness. Please… take this… as proof of our remorse.
Kanba: Hmph? This is… Tonight’s mixer (trans note: speed dating/party for singles) notice, and it’s the one that’s rumoured to have lots of cute girls from the traffic police next town over. How did you…?
Shouma: It was nothing, after all I’m a detective in training myself. Things like that are easy, leave it to me. What do you think; will you allow us to remain?
Kanba: Hmph, do you think with this I would listen to you?
Shouma: That is true. Detective Kanba is so popular after all, he doesn’t need to go to a mixer. I guess I should have minded my own business. Could you give me back my notebook?
Kanba: Uh, no. I’ll hold on to it for you. It can’t be helped, this is a one off. So don’t make yourself so conspicuous around the crime scene, Detective Himari, young Shouma.
Shouma: No problem, Detective Himari and Detective Kanba have completely different investigative methods. They might conflict at times, but I’m sure it’ll be able to help out.
Kanba: Seriously, how annoying.
Himari: So Penguin 0-kun is found floating face down in the steamy bath water. Near the scene for some reason is a bitten apple.
Kanba: That’s it/I see, I know what happened!
Shouma: Huh, you’re quick Detective Kanba.
Ringo: This is it! Shutter Chance!
Kanba: The criminal… Is you, Ringo-kun!
Ringo: Huh? Why me! I want to cover the crime for my article! I’m not the criminal!
Kanba: Oh really? You’re constantly on the lookout for a scoop. Instead acting like a stalker all the time, this time you decided to get intimately involved. (bad translation)
Ringo: What are you saying? You’re just running around to solve the case, that’s why I’m sticking by your side. (bad translation)
Kanba: You’re the one who requested Himari-kun to look into this case right?
Ringo: Yeah, so what?
Shouma: Ah, don’t tell me Ringo-kun…
Kanba: That’s right, while searching for a scoop for her newspaper article; she decided to cause a crime. Then write how it gets solved. Thus she poisoned the apple and made Penguin 0 eat it and then killed him. I’m right, aren’t I?
Shouma: Just because you’re desperate for a scoop. That’s just…
Ringo: Lies! I didn’t do it!
Himari: She’s right, she didn’t do it Detective Kanba.
Kanba: What did you say?
Shouma: What do you mean Detective Himari?
Himari: It’s true that Ringo-kun was chasing after a scoop and is basically a stalker but at the same time, she absolutely loves sea/marine life (alt trans: Marine life maniac). I don’t think someone like that would ever think of harming a penguin.
Ringo: That’s right, I love marine life. In particular, I love sea otters and kappas. Well, I don’t like sea cucumbers but penguins aren’t excluded from my love.
Kanba: You know, they say that ‘excessive tenderness switches to hundredfold hatred’.
Ringo: Stop talking nonsense. You looks obsessed narcissistic idiot detective! I’ll write this up in my third pager article!
Kanba: Narcissistic, you say!? I’ll have you arrested and thrown in jail! (bad translation)
Himari: You two, please get a hold of yourself. When solving cases it is essential to maintain calm/composure.
Shouma: That’s right! And besides as Detective Himari said, Ringo-kun’s desk is just famous for, how do you say disgustingly or stupidly, overflowing with little trinkets of marine life. I can’t imagine her murdering Penguin 0.
Himari: Besides, why would the perpetrator be the first to report the crime? It’s far too daring/bold, don’t you think?
Shouma: That’s true, that would be quite unusual.
Himari: In addition Detective Kanba, to connect the bitten apple with Ringo-kun is just, as usual, the result of you jumping to conclusion.
Kanba: I was just… using my detective intuition/instinct to solve the case.
Ringo: Detective Kanba’s erroneous instinct/intuition. Noting.
Himari: Still, perhaps it’s because we’ve been in the bathroom for so long, I’m getting a bit dizzy. My throat’s a bit dry. Shouma-kun, do you have a cold drink?
Kanba: You should drink this.
Himari: Thank you.
Shouma: WAH! Detective Himari, don’t!
Ringo: KYA! It’s milk!
Shouma: Detective Kanba, how could you, you know that Detective Himari hates milk. That was dirty!
Kanba: Hahahaha, I thought that calcium would be necessary if you want to keep a calm head. This is police work now. After you get sick from that, stop interfering with our investigation and go back to your crappy office.
Ringo: Impressive Detective Kanba for exploiting this.
Himari: Ah the milk! The milk in my mouth is so smelly! I can’t go on…
Shouma: Detective Himari, I guess I got no choice. When in trouble, put this Penguin hat on her head and…
Himari: SURVIVAL STRATEGY!
Kanba: What? She just drank the milk but got better!
Ringo: As usual, what a weird penguin hat.
Himari: Whose weird, you crazy stalker woman. And what about milk? I happened to be thirsty, came at a good time. Burp. It’s good, hit the spot. Thanks, you lady killer pervert detective.
Kanba: It’s as if, she transformed into a completely different and abusive person.
Ringo: It finally appeared the rumored Great Detective Himari’s true ability. This is it! Shutter Chance! (bad translation)
Shouma: That’s right, when Detective Himari wears this penguin hat it’s as if her personality changes and then she soon solves the case.
Kanba: Damn it.
Himari: Hey, slave/man servant Shouma, take a bit of this bitten apple for me.
Shouma: Huh? Take a bite? That’s a poisoned apple right? I’ll die!
Himari: Just take a bite already, you useless/worthless blockhead.
Ringo: Stop stalling, and eat it! You’re her assistant aren't you?!
Shouma: Huh? Huh? Um I’m fine? In fact, this is really delicious!
Himari: That’s right, as you can see, that’s the incredibly expensive Fuji apple. It’s a luxury item you don’t see often. I bet it was its three o’clock snack. How extravagant of it.
Ringo: Three o’clock snack.
Kanba: There’s no poison in the apple you say? Then how did Penguin 0 die?
Himari: Listen, you lowlife who will never be able to solve this case! Discard your presumptions.
Shouma: What do you mean Detective Himari?
Himari: You all think that all penguins are able to swim, don’t you?
Ringo: Huh? Don’t tell me, that this Penguin 0 is…
Himari: That’s right, Penguin 0 was like a brick (lit trans: hammer). It couldn’t swim. Additionally, there’s another unusual piece of evidence left behind at the crime scene.
Kanba: What? To think that such an important thing would escape my notice!
Himari: What are you talking about; it’s not surprising that a careless idiot like you would miss it. Take a look at this.
Shouma: Ah, that’s…
Kanba: A Swimmers drink? (Bad translation, trans note: A pun, swimming and ‘oyo’ ‘geeru’)
Shouma: Swimmers… drink? (bad translation) What is that exactly Detective Himari?
Ringo: Oh you don’t know it? It’s been all over the commercials late. You know, ‘One drink, and then you can swim’!
Shouma: In other words, if you drink it you’re able to swim?
Ringo: It’s just a placebo effect. My newspaper is against it though (bad translation: could be ‘advertising’).
Himari: Though Penguin 0 was a penguin, it could not swim. I’m sure it got quite a complex from the shame it felt from that fact. Thus it zealously decided to practice swimming in the bath today. To bolster its diminishing courage/zeal, it prepared for its three o’clock snack a luxurious apple and a bottle of Swimmers for the challenge. Then, unluckily, it drowned in the bath water.
Ringo: Huh!
Shouma: No way, that means…
Kanba: How idiotic…
Himari: The cause of death for Penguin 0 was accidental. (bad translation) There was no murderer in the first.
Ringo: This… This is an amazing case! This is it! Shutter Chance!
Himari: Let’s settle the case.
Shouma: I guess that’s enough now. Thanks for your hard work, Mr. Penguin Hat. Remove.
Ringo: Ah hey, I was still taking pictures! Don’t take the hat off.
Himari: Hat? What are you talking about?
Shouma: Detective Himari, today’s case was completely solved!
Himari: I see, that’s great.
Kanba: Damn it. I’ll let you win this time but don’t get the wrong idea, I will never acknowledge you as a great detective.
Himari: Detective Kanba, even if you don’t acknowledge me I will solve other cases. You should get to your previous mixer.
Kanba: Damn it, only just this once, I’ll go that mixer with the traffic police in the next town over and charm them all! (bad translation)
Ringo: Today is Great Detective Himari’s victory. ‘The SusPENseful Murder of Penguin 0’ has been beautifully solved. This is definitely a scoop!
Shouma: And so Ringo-kun, about that commission/reward.
Ringo: Ah, yes, this is Ringo? Huh? There’s a case in the next town? Its okay, I’ll be over there right away to cover it. And so that’s the story, I’m heading over to the next town! See ya.
Kanba: Wait! Are you planning to leave a detective leave me behind? I happen to be leaving for a mixer in the next town, even if it’s in an outside jurisdiction I have to maintain my reputation. (bad translation)
Shouma: Ringo-kun, it’s great you got your scoop but please pay the commission!
Himari: You’re all so impatient. I’ll go and solve that case. Take me to the crime scene.
Shouma: Seriously, everyone is so impulsive. And so in this way, the SusPENseful Murder of Penguin 0 was solved by the Great Detective Himari incredible detective ability. However, there are many more future cases to come; this is the destiny of a Great Detective. If ever you get involved in a case/crime, please come to the Detective Takakura Himari Investigative Services. That reminds me, who/what was Penguin Zero, anyway? Does anyone know? Was there ever such a Penguin?