Difficult Conversations Paper

Difficult Conversations Reflection Paper

Human Resources Mgmt

Sunny Dawn

April 1, 2013

The most helpful concept, that is replayed in my mind in many difficult conversations in the last month, has been the “And” concept. I agree with many chapters within Learning Conversations section of the text, Difficult Conversations, but the idea that two perspectives deserve the same amount of airtime or thinking time is important for me. “Keeping communication open and understanding feelings and perspectives involved sends and important message that even when we disagree, we care about each other” (p.154). In this paper I will share some examples of Learning Conversations in which I used many strategies from the text as well how I feel I have changed personally and professionally when dealing with topics where two people or parties disagree. As a new Special Education teacher and Union Representative difficult conversations come up all the time and never with only one person. Examples from the past two months range from illegal requests from my supervisors to misunderstandings amongst my staff. This book couldn’t have come at a better time.

For example, I was so upset this past month that I was moved to tears and a total melt down. This issue was so large that in the moment I couldn’t express my emotions and thoughts. After reading Difficult Conversations, knowing that feelings need to be acknowledged before action can be taken I excused myself to have my melt down and go for a walk. My colleague clearly saw I was upset because when I shut down and stormed out of his classroom I at first told him “whatever”. He came to find me about an hour later and stated, “It seems you are upset, can we talk about this.” I told him I wasn’t ready to talk just yet and I need to time to prepare for a lesson. He let me have that and told me he looked forward to us having a chance to talk. I needed the day to think about it all and used the skills found in this book to email him because unlike a few of the people I have worked with over the month I actually respect him and so I really wanted to be resourceful and expressing my inner conflict. Below is a copy of what I emailed him,“In regards to this a.m. I appreciate you checking in with me afterwards, I was extremely upset when I left your classroom.I found the delivery, method, and approach behind the timing of when to administer the 5th grade tests very frustrating and unprofessional.For the following reasons:

Discrimination: When I stated my students weren't ready no alternate time was talked about or even brought up. I found the irony of "my kids not ready" vs. you saying "your kids not ready" offensive. I tried a couple approaches and talked with a lot of people. Everyone said just test the Sped. kids we all know they aren't ready but give it to them anyway. It has a hint of discrimination about it in my opinion. Professionalism: I took the time to check in with you about the test a week before and set up a time even though my students weren't ready. I felt your email at 8:41 from your phone saying "we" decided to move the date was rude in that even a heads up email the night before would have given me more time to come up with a lesson plan. Communication: I do want to apologize for my tone and I appreciate you handling most of the 5th grade organization I'm sure it is not easy with 2 new teachers in this rotation. I am coming into the culture of the way you have been doing things for the past however long and I find it very counter intuitive to how I teach or what I think good teaching looks like. Most of the time I am finding it very challenging to teach in this grade level. Hopefully it will move smoother as we move forward and more check ins with more time allocated for me to prepare will be taken into consideration.Peace in the East,Sunny Dawn.”

The next day he pulled me to the side I was in a much better place because I was able to communicate to him how I was feeling. He expressed an apology and that he respected me as a professional hence we were able to move on and had a common understanding. I share this example because I believe I used the most important concepts in the text when dealing with my colleague; deciding if it was even worth having a difficult conversation and the values around that, having my feelings, creating a learning conversation, and speaking with clarity and power.

The next week I had to continue in the vain of difficult conversations because my site is in the middle of another grievance I have filed on behalf of the staff. Whenever this happens it becomes an issue of mixed opinions and feelings as well as defensiveness because although the grievance is against the principal, it is something that other teachers at my site have sanctioned. However this quote helped me when addressing the staff on Monday and then the principal on Friday about the same issue. “Its best to anticipate a certain amount of defensiveness and to be prepared to clarify what you are trying to communicate, and what you are not. The more you can relieve the other person of the need to defend themselves, the easier it becomes for them to take in what you are saying and to reflect on the complexity of their motivations” (p.55). Using this mentality of “easing” the message has become central to maintaining people’s trust in me and my leadership when delivering messages coming from my professional opinion.

I know we are all vulnerable in education because our judgments are so personal and so when people have conflict with each other it becomes a critique on our personhood. As I move forward in my leadership these skills will continue to be so evident that my colleagues will know what they are getting when bringing up difficult issues with me. Within my transparency of how I address issues hopefully I will keep doors of communication open in whatever staff I lead or am a part of.

Lastly, I want to say I have been going through a break up, of a 5-year relationship, these past 4 months. I want to say the first 2 months was the easiest because we didn’t talk to each other just dealt with technicalities i.e. this is yours, that is mine, no I can’t call you. However in these months of “healing/grieving” and trying to move on difficult conversations are at the core. This text has helped with that as well. The most important thing I needed to learn about myself was in the identity conversation of assumptions versus goals, “A Battle of Messages=Assumption: I’m competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable. There is no in-between. Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image. A Learning Conversation=Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us. Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect. Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to maintain my balance better.”

This was so evident to me in my past relationship because as we are now finally out of the relationship I find myself creating a more complex self-image and feel I do have a better balance. However maintaining equilibrium is where I am at in this process creating learning conversations with less stress and more success.